Friday, April 20, 2012

I need You

I feel lousy right now
And that's why I need You here somehow
Although sometimes I've vowed
To never think bad or look down
On my circumstances and whereabouts
Somehow I just end up sitting here in a sulk

I hold myself from blaming ministry
From blaming the situations I'm in
Or the circumstances I get thrown into
Looking back it seems like I've grown a lot
But how much have I actually grown?

The talk with mom this morning
Was very very eye opening
Events and before the beginning of me and deb
History untold kept tight and unfold
Suddenly like a ram with tiny unseen cracks
Bursting out in a full force measure
Something I can't quite take and swallow
Rushing waters at a speed so fast
Emotions go untame but I stay in control
I need to be strong

To grow up I should
Thinking of the way and the journey this far
It has not been easy and I'm amazed at the outcome
God is good.
God is soveriegn.
And He knows best.

But regret does come in
Was I ever a good older sister?
An obedient daughter?
Sometimes I wished to redeem myself
But the pass is the pass
No point crying over spilt milk
Or undoing what had already been done
Or doing what is undone
Wait, I can still do the latter!

So there I was sucked up in the mesh of emotions
Should I go home? Go over to Dad's? Or go for prayer?
None of which I momentarily preferred

Started pacing around
Something not good at all
Then I started talking to You
Tried to praise You in song but words didn't come out
Figuring out the words of a song in my head
How did it go again?
And there it was like a wind that hits so fast
Goosebumps all over my arms and legs
Not unlike anything that has never happened before
But something so new and fresh, raw yet real
You caught me offguard with that speed You were coming at
I stand amazed
You don't need to hear words off my lips
Yet You read what's written on my heart
Right there in the centre of Your awe-inspiring presence
Letting me realize that You're here for me
You've always been
Making me feel so even more sure that
I need You............ desperately.