Thursday, February 15, 2018

Jesus, Help Me

Coming to BSSM is more than I could comprehend. Help me, Jesus.

On the side note: Please leave a comment if you're reading so I know people are reading and so I can continue posting, cos I'm really not sure whose reading but I wanna know. Hope to be more interactive with my viewers cos bringing people along on this journey is way cool!!! Also, does anyone know how to link Instagram here? Cos it's way easier with that app now, plus you get to see cool photos of whoever I'm talking about! (With their consent of course). Happy Chinese New Year to those back home, and Happy Valentines!

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Take the Risk

Risk is so worth taking when you know you’re in a safe environment. Here at bethel, we are always asked to take risk and even when we “fall” the leaders and mentors always makes sure that they are there to catch us when we fall. The safety net we need because we will never succeed without failure. So I took a risk to sing a spontaneous song I heard about breaking of shame when the accuser of the brethren comes into attack and accuse you, questioning your devotion for God. I was encouraged by a mentor, took the step of faith, found the right key and sang for the devil to see that he has no hold on me. Little did I know that my friend Dan Hutchcraft actually have friends from worship mob. The band who came up with that spontaneous song. I believed this would encourage them because their song spoke to me in my deep season of need and through the power of Youtube, a girl from Malaysia saw hope through a song. So take risk where you know you can. Cos beyond the risk, more often than not, glory is awaiting on the side cos its really all about Jesus.

PS: The Director of Worship Mob personally inbox me on FB to ask which was the song I sang because he wanted to encourage the worship leader. I love how all these is so seriously Kingdom. hahaha!


Thursday, January 25, 2018

Faith in Men

Coming to BSSM, God has been transforming me from the inside out not just in breaking down strongholds and false beliefs but also in redeeming my faith in men. Yes, the male species that we christian girls are so worried about because good godly men seem to be on the verge of extinction. Most decent looking godly men are more often than not- taken. While the rest of the pool are either too young age wise or too young maturity wise. The gender ratio in church seems to also be quite alarmingly lopsided with most christian women either on fire and single or married with a less-than-passionate husband. I'm not going to say it's a sad reality because I don't have a global view on that, however, it's quite natural to see in most churches how there are so many more single ladies than single men.

Before coming here, I seriously almost gave up the potential of ever getting married just because I didn't see any potential man I could marry in my immediate community. Plus the fact that my parents were divorced also didn't help my view on marriage. It almost came to point of remaining single forever, or settling for less-than-best and the latter really scared me deep. I'll rather be on fire, free and super in love with Jesus than to be bounded in a relationship where I struggle in my freedom to worship. Thus, there was not one single option I could see myself actually risking.

But then "heaven invaded earth" and more than an idea or a concept, it became a true fact. A fact that scared me so much, I'd be so afraid that I will wake up one day and think that all of these was just a dream. You see, here in BSSM, we have 1,400 students (more or less) being chosen from a pool of 5000 applicants, so you cannot doubt that God wanted you here for such a time as this. Some people I hear, come to find mates but majority actually come with a deep hunger for the "more" of God. And that kind of aligns all of us on the same page. We don't have to necessarily manipulate ourselves into relationships but chase after God and allow Him to guide and lead us to the right one.  Because in true fact, there is actually tons of attractive, good-looking, godly men out there and we just have to open our eyes and see.

My Revival Group Pastor was on duty for collecting the offering once and he broke off the spirit of poverty over us. Not just poverty over finance, but poverty over our health, career and how we viewed the opposite sex. That changed my entire worldview. I realized that I have always held onto a poverty outlook of the opposite sex because I viewed them through the lens of my father. And that was unfair to men in general. No wonder it was so hard for me to go on dates or just hang out with guys because I'm already building cases against them as a self-defense mechanism before even allowing them in and even forfeiting myself for a great non-romantic friendship.

Here, I see men all around, passionately pursuing God and working on their own identity, that it has really restored my faith in men and changed my negative outlook on them. We can be going to the gym together and I don't feel sexualized. Or we can be ministering and prophesying to another and there is not one tinge of pride or performance in there. No trying to "put myself out there" so I can at least get a chance of "hooking a fish" but total surrender to the will of God in their lives. Including who they will spend the rest of their lives with. That's super romantic.

I on the other hand have to release myself from the tension of having to "marry the first guy I date" and allow the situation to unfold before me because there is beauty in the process. There is beauty in getting to know more about someone beyond the surface and there is beauty in thriving relationships.

And so with that I rest my case. I will leave the pursuit to the man and not try to "man-handle" myself into the arms of the one I think I love, but allow the one God has seen fit for me to pursue me. That takes a lot of faith and surrender.

When we were younger, we always dream of how we will meet Prince Charming and how he will sweep us off our feet and make us look so good with a Knight on our arm. But as I'm maturing in age and identity, I'm beginning to see that it's not so much about me and how my man will make me look good anymore but how I can help him with all my heart and see him walk into his destiny. It is about me making him look good to the world because as they say "Behind every successful man is a successful woman" and behind the scenes, I will love on him so much, it's impossible for him to not recognize his own gifts and walk into his destiny. As I've mentioned before, "I want to be so in love with my man that it would make it extremely hard for me to hurt him". I think this resembles the heart of the Father and that's why I think that it's a risk worth taking. For after coming here and seeing with my very own eyes that there are good godly men out there, my faith in men have truly been restored. (That and faith in myself to allow the right man into the depths of my heart, and I'm praying that it will be the same for you too.)

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Revelation of His Goodness

I'm being so overwhelmed by the goodness of God in these last days that it's just blowing my mind of how such a good God He is and that He enjoys seeing what we enjoy. Been joining Cheer here and even as I'm practicing, I'm like "What is life?!!" screaming in my head! hahaha... Watched all the "Bring it On's" as a young girl and being part of a cheer squad seemed like a faraway or even impossible dream just cos the Cheer community back home comes nowhere near the US. And then there's a cheer squad here in BSSM and I just can't fathom the chances and opportunities, God is offering me. He doesn't see secular or sacred. He doesn't compartmentalize the things we love under spiritual or "nonspiritual". He just loves to see His children enjoying the things we love. We were wired and created in His image, and our love for dance, music, maths or science was of original design by Him and through Him. We don't prioritize the arts back home just because it doesn't "make enough money" to sustain a family but I'm starting to see the arts in whole different light. God made me for dance not cos He wants to "use" me on stage, but cos it's our "love language". He's constantly dancing over me and what can I do but not withhold my praise? He is really blowing me religious box time and time again here in BSSM and for that I'm forever grateful. God, You're just too good. I loveYou.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Finding My Lost Phone

During my Christmas break in Seattle, I lost my phone. And almost immediately I had to reject the voice of the enemy mercilessly whispering in my head. See, I'm known to be one of the clumsiest in my family and if I were to lose this one, it would be my third i phone in two years and fear and disappointment could creep in so fast, robbing me of my identity- something I've been "fighting" to keep, embrace and reclaim here in BSSM. I consciously made myself busy so that my thoughts wouldn't go into a downward spiral because I knew that losing my phone does not make me a loser. Although naturally, shame could easily attach itself to me and cause me to be hard on myself, thinking how could I ever be so clumsy and careless. I chose to consciously partner with the truth of what God said about me over and over again to not allow shame to creep in. I withheld telling my family back home in Malaysia, as to not worry them, but also in believing that my phone will be miraculously found.

Being in the Bethel community of crazy and miraculous signs and wonders, anything is possible and I've personally seen testimonies of God's provision. Cars, cash, bicycles and plane tickets are given by God so freely, it truly is a glory zone of supernatural provision and so I believed that I could get back my phone.

I recalled where I last had it and it was either in H&M (where I was crazy shopping cos of the sales, totally regret that now), on the bus back from Seattle to Puyallup or on the streets of Seattle when I was rushing to catch the bus. I called all three contacts and was blown away by how kind they were and how much each of them wanted to help and hoped that I would get my phone back. Back in Malaysia, this would never happen. Chances of ever finding back your phone is zero to nil, just because if someone found it, they will sell it. If the police found it, they will sell it too. But I knew that this was an attack of the enemy and what the enemy has stolen, it has to give back no matter what.

While doing all the necessary procedures such as calling the different contacts, I also had two options in terms of prayer. I knew I could pray for a new phone cos anything is possible here, but more than that, I wanted my old phone back because of the prophecies and photos embedded in the memory. This past 5 months have been totally life-changing and most of the memories documented were in my phone. I just needed it back. I began to pray everyday for a Good Samaritan to pick it up and call the emergency contact my friend put in there. I prayed almost all day everyday, holding onto the highlights in 2017 and believing for a greater 2018, at the same time suppressing all negativity that were on the verge of bubbling up.

Time came when I was suppose to fly home to Redding from Seattle and I still didn't hear from anyone. My host family prayed for my lost phone even as they sent me to the airport, believing for a miracle. Came home without a phone, did laundry and all the necessary, and started preparing myself to come back to school. On the 31st of December, my roommate and I decided to host a New Year Eve's party and whilst we were busy decorating, I got an FB message from my friend from Seattle, saying that my lost phone got found and that she'll be driving down to Seattle to collect it and mail it to me!!! I was ecstatic! Overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness I couldn't believe it. God answered my prayer to the T! You see the H&M manager was collecting all the stuff from the lost and found on the last day of the year and she saw my phone, charged it and saw the number to call if retrieved! God is so amazing and I couldn't believe it!

Through this, I learned three things.

1. Pray, hope and believe that God will answer your prayer no matter how impossible the situation is.
2. My family wasn't as "judgmental" as I thought. Instead of identifying me as clumsy, they reached out to me through email, hoping and believing that it will return. (I just love my family so much and am super grateful!)
3. Not having a phone with internet connection made me soooo much more productive, I felt so robbed off my time when I actually had it!

After going through a withdrawal period (it was super tough, seeing how much I love taking photos), I had nothing better to do than to clean my room, decorate my wall, do my homework and what not. I became so much more productive, there were no more clothes on my bed waiting forever to be folded, or trash in the garbage needing to be taken out. I even had more time to be creative, it was amazing! I told myself that if I ever get my phone back, I would immediately delete Facebook off my phone and stop paying USD30 for service just cause I could survive with "wi-fi". And so I did. I must say that life has never been better. I don't fund myself wasting time scrolling through stuff that won't edify me, instead I became more happier just living in the moment and not comparing my life to everyone else's highlight reel. I loved it and am still loving it.

So I realized that God (and my partnership) can truly turn things around. We just need to believe and we will see that every storm has a silver lining and that the reward and lessons learned is so much more valuable then the "lost" we encounter. God is amazing, He works wonders as we encamp around His presence, making all things beautiful, turning beauty from ashes in making the lost get found.... even if it's a (stupid) i phone. Hahaha!!

Monday, January 15, 2018

Just Be You

“You’re the most anointed when you’re fully yourself” - Richard Gordon.
Here in BSSM, God is teaching me how to fully embrace and love myself. I think for the first time in my life, I can confidently say that there is no one else I’ll rather be. ❤️

Friday, January 12, 2018

Vulnerability as a Strength

I've been thinking about how the Bethel community is sooo different from where I came from. And I think it's two things. "Vulnerability" and the "Culture of Honour" and both of these can only breed from a place of freedom. Couldn't believe it when my pastor told our group that he just had a SOZO (inner healing) in the morning, I was like, "wait.. did you just give a SOZO or received a SOZO?" And we realised that it was through his honesty and vulnerability that helped us all see ourselves through the eyes of God. Everyone is the same in terms of feelings, hurts and emotions. Either you shove it down in a shame based culture, or be over vulnerable and share or your disappointments all day, everyday. But when you are mature enough to know your own limitations and allow the Holy Spirit to work through the awkwardness and mess, you'll see freedom and hope at the end of the tunnel. And that is when your personal breakthrough becomes other people's breakthrough. As Brene Brown says that vulnerability is key for connection. I believe it's the same between God and men. So may 2018 be a year where we take risks, be vulnerable before the right people and God, and see our relationships thrive under that. For I'm beginning to realise that vulnerability is not so much a weakness, but a strength that if you're willing to face, can bring so much breakthrough and freedom.