Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Heart on Fire

I wake up every morning and sleep every night
With you on my mind.

It's not that I "chose" you to think about
There's so much more that should occupy my mind
But it's you that my heart and mind keeps wandering to
Oh help me, God
This is so unreal.

We hearsay "to not awaken love before it's time"
But what if love is such a strong and fierce feeling
The more you try to control it,
The more it burns like wild fire,
Untamed and untouched.

And when is the right time?!?
Who has the right to tell us when or what we should do
The church painted this picture for me
No dating until 18
I get it...
But the moment the "right age" comes
We're confronted with problems on how to actually "feel"
How DO we fall in love?
Sadly but surely
Questions and guilt overtakes
At the slightest thought of what could be True Love.

I've never met anyone like you
4 years of college and no one
Not one guy has made me feel the way
You make me feel

Covered in goosebumps
Giddy at heart
Hoping that I could encapture the moments
In a time capsule before it's too late.
You open my eyes to wonder
The greatest possibilities of what "we" could be
A match made in Heaven which only God could foresee

You are intentional.
Outspoken and obvious.
Scaring me that there could actually be "that" guy out there
Whose not afraid to love and be loved
Who wants what's best for the other half
And not walk around with another trophy wife

If it does happen and I pray it does
You'll be that dream I never dared dreamed of
Like wildfire fuelled by love
Your words and actions
Make lasting impacts on me
I can't wait for the day
Where I can openly say
My heart's on fire...
And it's because of you.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

When the World Wants All of You

It's been a non-stop ride for me since flying to Hong Kong for a conference early March. It's only mid-March now yet I feel like months have passed already. I guess when we flow with the wind and seasons of God's timing, it's also easy to get swept away with all the busyness and duties that eventually consumes the whole of our being. I start to think that I'm entering a dangerous zone, a place real far from the "Secret Place" where it's just me and God. That desperate need for solitude to overcome the overpowering invasion of personal space and the tempting urge to "not-do-anything" for that "one single moment".

But how long will my "one single moment" last? How long will I need it to last in order for me to get back on track and re-prioritize my schedule and "to-do-lists"? We get easily consumed and distracted by things that are actually good, but what if these seemingly good things starts to get a hold of the whole of you? Or the whole of me for that matter. For instance, I woke up at 1.35pm today. Shocked and alarmed, I checked to see whether my time was moved forward (Candy Crush cheat), but no it wasn't. And that's when I realized that I'm not only late for work, I was behind time on my "driver's duties".

This brought me back to a time in college where I overslept, missing a whole lecture, waking up in the afternoon totally distraught with only one way to get back into rhythm, my lifeline of worship. And it was in that moment that I felt the tangible presence of God, His love enveloping me, making me sure I'm alright and reassuring me that it's not the end of the world.

Pondering on this flashback, I start to wonder while driving as fast as I can without getting into an accident. What if it always takes something drastic to happen in order for me to realign and re-prioritize my time with God? What if it takes a couple of "overslept" days for me to run with urgency into His secret place? How is all this happening when I'm still single and what will happen once I'm preoccupied with a family in the future?

As the questions started racing, like the tempo was meant to be in sync, so was my Whatsapp blasting. So many questions, new assignments, requests were filing in. I felt God say that those could wait, and for the first time in my life, I was so glad that we're not suppose to be using our phones while driving. An optimum excuse for my delayed response.

But the fact scared me.

Why is it only in my busyness that I'd try running after the presence of God? Why must something bad happen for me to experience His good? Why when the world wants all of me is when I want to give my all to God?

Is it escapism? A denial of reality? Or just heavenly bliss I need to see me through the storm.

As I grow older, naturally more duties and responsibilities are added. Justice issues, saving the lost, feeding the hungry, the needs are endless but my need for God outweighs all of these.

The need for rest, the need for God.

The need to just be still and know that He is Lord. Lord over my life, my situations, my circumstances and my relationships. Allowing that secret tear to fall, in an instance I feel a sense of relief, knowing that God's got my back and my job is to protect my understanding of that which only comes with spending time in the Secret Place.

Funny how it always takes a blunder for me to acknowledge God's power. An alarming situation for me to realize that without God I cannot accomplish anything. But for that I'm grateful. At least at the age of a quarter of a century, I got to be confronted with my pressing need for God and His presence. Hoping it will shape the way I live and look at life. Loving it despite the shortcomings, learning from discouragements and going from glory to glory to glory.

As years pass, people will expect more of me and from me. But that's when I will need the most of God. To be in His presence day in, day out. And to fiercely protect my precious time with Him in the secret place. God help me with this, I could never do it alone.

So I'm quite glad that I still received a silver lining despite my awfully bad day today.

That when the world wants all of me, I'll just surrender my all to God, knowing that He'll work things out for me... In His own place and time.

Friday, January 22, 2016

The Need for Grief

Feeling overwhelmed with a rush of duties
I control my feelings
The quickening of my heartbeat
Like a dam ready to burst forth
Emotions can go wild with no control

Something someone says
Or a comment made by another
Like a thumb on a gun's trigger
Ready to fire
All emotions will yield

I rush to the car before the tears flow
An expression of frustration, anger or sadness
But somehow this time it felt different
For it wasn't anguish that I felt
Just pure and utter relief

And as I begin to listen to the worship song in my car
I begin to realized that the process of grief is much needed
The well of emotion we have would never be complete 
Without the presence of sadness in it
Just like cute, blue "Sadness" in the movie

No point hiding or covering up
Letting it go brings such joy
An immeasurable pleasure
Of just being human
A beautiful state of art filled with mix emotions

A Pastor once told me that it's important to grief
Allowing oneself that process quickens the healing
Helping us stay in touch of our own emotions
And I've been through depression before
It's way better to cry than to try but can't at all

So in that moment of my drive home
I think of the people I'd love to confide in
A shoulder to cry one
But deep down I know it was not what I needed
For time alone sometimes are the most essential

So grieve
Whether you're a boy or girl
I wonder how guys can keep it all together
Imagine the un-shed tears they have
Deep down and pressed at the bottom of their emotional tank

I just grieved and I'm now happy
Back on my laptop and off to work
Like what happened didn't just happen
Surprised at my state of "ok" mind
I guess God created that emotion for a reason

It's not a sign of defeat
But a necessary emotion
A moment worth enduring
Because in it it's truly redeeming...

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Hiding Behind Religion

There are days where I find myself overflowed with gratitude for being born into a Christian family. Other days not so... And this is one of those days. Sometimes I wished I had a previous "gangster-life" or one filled with parties, clubs, dances and getting wasted. Where I lived life in the carefree fast lane until God met me in my darkest and BAM!!!! I become radically transformed!!! But no, this script was never part of my play and no, my life's story would never be a best-seller or one that will keep you transfixed on...(or maybe it would?).

Anyways, it wasn't a great start of the day for me today so here I am unraveling my heart out before I officially start ticking off my to-do list. You see, I've been thinking that sometimes as Christians, we hide behind our religiosity and "niceness" that we don't get the upper hand on situations and circumstances, allowing them to be blown out of proportion and getting out of control. We compare ourselves to other families, their spirituality, their level of communication, unity and sanctity.

I was told today that none of my household members were saints. Not any one of us. That, after sharing a message last week to 30 youth about how we were brought out of sinful nature to be Saints through Christ Jesus. And most of us in this household are either prayer warriors, preachers or worship leaders. So what went wrong? Are we really that far from being who we are supposed to be or was that comment just a momentary lapse of judgement? One that came out of tainted glasses and a shame-based perspective? A shout out into the abyss in the form of criticism but undeniably and utter cry for help? A self-projection of our own weaknesses onto others?

We hide under all these religiousness maybe because that's all the vocabulary we've ever known. Growing up with a strict background, if it's not God then it's the devil. Just one or the other, without space to objectify, room to process or learn and grow. We give blanketed answers, quote standard typical verses, thinking that these are the solution when they're actually not. The only answer I know is JESUS and He's not stagnant but dynamic, ever moving and ever showing grace, ever so merciful and understanding, responding to different situations differently.

We don't realize that we're empowering the devil every time we mention it in the midst of discrepancies we face. "It's the spirit behind her", "He's being used by the devil and he doesn't even know it".. Yes, I understand that there are spiritual powers, forces and principalities trying their hardest to come against us and cause disunity. But what about unique characteristics and different temperaments? If we wanted to point a finger, why not blame human nature? God made us all diverse to prove that there can still be a form of connection and mutuality despite the odds. That we're all different but the same, that at the core of our being lies the One who knows it all and has it all under control.

Typical Christians are very good "runners". We run away from problems, relationships, churches, community, jobs, towns in hope to find some place better never realizing that we should and could well be the "better" for our present surrounding. Instead of sinking with the environment, maybe we could make a stand to make a change. To lift the atmosphere we're in with the presence of the Holy Spirit abiding in us. We are powerful, if only we know it.

So I just hope and pray that Christians who are decades old will stop succumbing and conforming to subtle religious notions while radical game changers will not be shunned when they have something to say. We need each other and will never end well without any either. We need to run this race guilt-free with our heads held high, knowing that He who created me will complete the work in me until the day of Jesus Christ.

Understanding who we are in Christ and embracing our identities as Sons and Daughters of the Most High is the key. A key that too many Christians lack today. So let's start with ourselves. When problems, difficulties or even the enemy comes in the form of petty household issues or through the faces of our loved ones, let's fight alongside each other, together against the enemy and not the other way around. Let's stand strong to fight and not flight, for greater is He that is in me than he who is of the world... So there's really nothing to fear.

It's time we break down these walls, let our guards down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the midst of family. To make room for honesty and reconciliation. To be that safe place for others to find refuge in. To be the solace when they're in need of someone to confide. It's through understanding our weaknesses first that we're able to elevate on our strengths. Besides, you never really know what you're fighting until you really zoom into the opponent and hold it by it's horns. No point swinging our swords in thin air with the enemy sitting by the bench with it's popcorn, laughing at us. It wins with religiosity, but we win with relationship. So let's start coming out of our unhelpful shelters and start being victorious lights... And that could only happen when we stop hiding behind religion....

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Into the Deep

Every day we are thrown into an abyss of busyness
Jam-packed schedules without room to breathe
Responsibilities and duties lining up mercilessly
We forget or rather neglect
To take a step back and breathe
To breathe in the beauty all around us and within
To look into deep the wonders of creation
To see beyond the surface
Beneath the layers
The tiniest of details that seems the most significant
When we look closer and
Into the deep...
Photo Credit:

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Stepping into Love

Love today has been dully misrepresented
Not only by media and society
But also by the church, sadly
Purity in the form of a white sheet
Disdain upon with ugly colors of our own perception

Growing up in church
With the backdrop of an Asian culture
Young people are more so commanded in "yes" and "no's"
Rather than be informed and empowered to make their own choices
Slowly allowing the ideals of others to form their life's decisions

We are told not to date, not to drink, not to hang with the wrong crowd
Seems legit at the start, the convenient answer, the easy way out
But what happens when we step into society
The real world without boundaries
When we meet the right person, are offered drinks or attracting the lost

What then do we do?
Still evade these obstacles in this life game we play?
Wait for clue cards or keywords to figure it out?
Hoping and praying that as saints we'll still stay in our bubble?
The bubble we created, disengaging us from real society

I've had strong Christian friends
Dear ones who say it was hard for them to "step into love"
When the time really came
When they were of age to find a partner
Instead what crept in was confusion and fear

Is this the love that I've been seeking?
The person I'll share my destiny with?
What does romantic love feel like?
What does it look like?
...... and so what now?

Taking the next step seems more than just a risk
We always hear that "love is risk"
You put yourself out there
Give all you have into the relationship
And hope deep down that the opposite will do the same

But what if I didn't want my love to be such a gamble?
What if I wanted a constant and steadfast love?
So pure that it stands strong in a rushing flood
Through the motions of an ungodly culture
Letting the waters pass but not be stained

Yes, love is not an easy choice
But it's a choice worth taking
That "yes" to that special someone
Trusting them with your life
Changing your future, your destiny into all of eternity

When I meet my lover
I don't wanna be a skeptic in doubt
Whether he truly loves me or not
For I trust in my Father and my feelings
For He is creator of the latter and my partner

I want to feel so vulnerable yet so secured
To breathe deep yet be breathless at times
To be surprised at the tiniest of details
And not too overwhelmed of the mess we may make of ourselves
To live, love, laugh and cry... To just be human.

I wanna live a life where we're living at the "edge of our seats"
An exhilarating roller coaster-ride
Twist and turns of the unknown
Hard downward spirals or no way but up
Ups and downs with a hand to hold

But all these cannot happen
If I don't step into love
When the door is open and I am ready
With courage, bravery and all of my might
I have to and will step in

To say the powerful three words at the right time
To not say anything but just be a comforting presence
To dance in the car headlights
Or kiss in the rain
To be more than what we see on movie screens

To feel the wonders of love
The rawness and intensity that comes with it
The passion, the effects and all of the feels
That just a glimpse of him
Will remind me of The One who created him

I can't wait for this chapter of my life to unfold
A page turner each and everyday
Taking your breathe away
Walking together in faith, hope and love
With Christ in the center it'll be like heaven on earth

So I do hope that you'll "step into your love"
When you meet the right person
At the right time
We're all in this together
You're never alone

Don't let past guilt intoxicate you
But step into it with wonder and freedom
Sometimes it's not what others think
But it boils down to the both of you
And ultimately God

For now breathe in and bask in your own beauty
Pursue integrity and purity
With determination to be the right person for the other
And you never know when you'll meet one so significant
It could very well be tomorrow

I'll pray for you and so can you for me
That we'll walk into godly relationships
So beautiful it stands out in this dark world
Leading others to a path of righteousness
Steadfast, pure and everlasting

Can't wait to see a generation
Who will revolutionize the love game
Making it tangible, more than just physical
And all these could happen if we with boldness and courage
Start "stepping into love"......

Photo credit:

Thursday, September 17, 2015


There I was sitting in a Hong Kong apartment
Holding onto a pretty poodle named Crystal
Mindlessly wishing for a dog of my own
When? How?
After I get married, settled down with a home of my own?
That's like a gazillion years away...!

Back at work, my eyes accidentally glanced over
A cute black and white puppy fills my friend's Instagram
Bewildered me asked who it belongs to
She asked whether I wanted one
What?!? My subconscious prayers answered so soon!
And for FREEEEE?

Long story short plus a huge mix of emotions
She finally arrived
Tired after a 7-hour-long drive
She just laid there all tired
With me not believing what was unfolding

Ever gotten that feeling where you wanted something so bad
It just seems like a childish dream
Where it'll only come to pass when you shut your eyes
With your head in the clouds
Begging to never come back down?

With Wonder before me, it felt like that.

Yup! I named my first dog Wonder
And she's more than I ever dreamed of

You see, my family love pets but disallow them
Due to the preconceived ideas of the hassle they bring
The noise they may make
Or the mess they leave behind

Thus, having a dog of my own never crossed my radar
Until Wonder came along

...and boy was I unprepared of the "wonder" she'll bring.

Taking care and training a dog isn't easy at all
So glad my sis is back to help me with Wonder
But the rewards are nothing compared to the price paid
Priceless- because you could never repeat a trick the same way
Or have her sit in your arms the same

We try to bring her everywhere we go wherever dogs are allowed
And she draws way more attention than even my blond streak
Strangers will ask her name, her age
Her breed (which up till this day we're still unsure of)
And comment on her cuteness and pretty fur

We think she's a mixed Collie
And Collie's are smart!
She's only 9 months old
But has already about four tricks down her fur

But being smart has its fair bit of challenge though
Like the way she pushes her boundaries deeper into our living room
Where she isn't allowed
Or the way desperation for a doggy treat takes over
And she does all three tricks at once
Before we even give her the command
And talk about dog heat!
Having to wipe every blood stain left
All cos she doesn't want her pampers on

Needless to say
She has brought much joy in our lives
Both for the lovers and haters
(Well, there weren't exactly haters, just super strong skeptics)
Bringing us closer
Making us selfless

Dogs have needs and I can't help but realize
That I'm getting less stuff for myself and more stuff for her
In the morning, she could most probably be the first topic uttered
And at night, she's that one extra being I say "goodnight" to

There are so so many things I love about her
The way she wags her tail when you come home from work
The way she pounces on you and cover your face in wet sloppy licks
Or even the way she licks you longer than usual depending on what you just ate
If it's tasty, milky or anything sweet, yeap!
You're in for a slob that's longer than usual

The way she makes a quick U-turn like she never even came in
Upon your shout that she's not allowed in certain areas
Or how she lays her paw on you just to be near
Or sits by you for assurance

The way she stood up for me and my sis
When stray dogs were barking at us
You could tell that she was afraid with her tail hung low
But she placed us before her
Making her my "WONDER-GIRL"!!!

I can go on and on and on and on
On the wonders she brings
And do expect more posts about her
Because she causes that childlike wonder in me
To continue growing without borders

She's so wonderful she was initially featured more
On my friend's Instagram than me
My friends love and adore her
Some are already waiting for puppies

So thank you Wonder
For all the wonder you bring
The increased joy and decreased stress
The many laughs and the funny moments
I thank God for answering my prayer- you.

Never thought that my dream would come true
But you came and everything seemed new
You awakened the childlike wonder in me
Helping me see the world through you

Oh how wishful thinking's' could turn so Wonder-full ......

W O N D E R .

#vsco #vscocam #throwback #givemeadog #lookatthatface #bulihbahkalaukau #beardedcollie

here's to Monday! 🙆

#vsco #vscocam #bulihbahkalaukau #beardedcollie

Photo credits: breadboyshaun & Jean Lee.