My Inner Battle (pt 1.)

I try to wrap my mind around it

Why the feelings?

Why the dismay?

Why such hopelessness 

Despite living a seemingly good life

That stupid feeling returns

Haunting, inviting and oh so magnetic

Mysteriously engaging

Yet so overwhelming

The destruction it brings 

Seems endless and deceiving

Pulling me into unpleasant familiarity

Sucking me in mercilessly 

Its an ongoing battle

Sad but true.

A battle I wish could be stated as

Finished and nailed on the cross 

Yet the feelings are so real 

Fresh and anew

It comes all of a sudden

What was the seed of it?

Fear, rejection or utter disillusionment?

Neither or everything in between

Lost in a maze of transpired illusion

Thoughts run wild

Emotions go numb

You start thinking and thinking

Resulting in the belittlement of yourself

Then you start reflecting

And wondering

And your thoughts get deeper and darker

Into a place no one knows

A place where thoughts become fighters

God-thoughts vs self-thoughts vs devil-thoughts 

A battle so vicious

Like there's no way out... 

He Sees Me Through

It's past the exterior facet
Into my heart He sees
Whether true worship abounds
From deep within me

Days I wake up on the wrong side of bed
Mind instantly flooded with assignment deadlines
Thinking to myself whether they have ever left me
Or were they there substituting sweet dreams

A struggle to get up
That raging "war" with procrastination
Thoughts of defeat, desperation and hopelessness flood in
How do you even be that "women whom the devil fears when she wakes up?"

No one's at home so I blow my shofar
Hoping that something will break in the atmosphere
Took a shower and sang my heart out
"Shout to the Lord", my favorite classic

It was in that moment when I heard God speak
That He honored "that kind" of worship and lavished in it
Telling me that there is a time and place for corporate worship
But just as important a place for private worship

A place where I can sing my heart out and let it all out
Forgetting the accuracy of right harmonization
And worries of pitch perfect singing
Hitting that point of climax that is oh so liberating

Sometimes I do wonder what does God really hears
When He hears our worship
I bet He hears from a realm never accessed by any human being
Either that or keys and notes are powerless to Him
Defying what we call "out of tune"

He sees right through me and there's no room for pretense
Staged presence of how we "should" look during worship
He sees me through the storms
And He sees me through "me"

"Me"; sometimes the only hindrance between me and God
It could be a long journey in from the outside of my heart
I let go of that Simon Cowell "demon" (don't worry, it's just a metaphor :P)
And know that God won't judge my worship

In fact I believes He loves my sacrifice of worship
When it's real, raw and unhampered with
The sincerity and brokenness embedded in it
Something I could only give here on this earth

No point putting up a front with my Jesus
He knows my next thought before I can even think
He sees me through my darkest moments
And He sees me through "me"

Being a Boss

Few nights ago I finally managed to visit the much heard of Mamak here in Klang Valley. Prior to that, all I heard was how good it was and how the food there was delicious, and after three years of hearing all these, I finally got to visit it. Well, I personally think it was over-rated, but that would not change the minds of the hundreds of customers who goes there every night to get a table at the (estimate) 100 meter long line of tables.

Which made me wonder how much did the big boss pay bribe to have the allowance of tables laid out so far wide in front of all the other shops by the roadside and how much he actually earned. Seeing  the amount of rental he got to save on because he was practically using the properties of others just because they weren't operating at night.

As I was eating, two things went through my head:

1. Where did all these tables come from? I'm not sure the one unit restaurant could have housed all these.
2. Poor workers, having to run along about a 100 meter long table trail to take orders, remember orders and go back and forth.

Talk about the mind power and energy needed cos there were no table numbers! It just boggled me, how they could handle such a crowd every night. But what strike me most was how much these workers were being paid. I heard that this business had been so successful that other branches are open elsewhere so the big boss must be earning big bucks!

I'm no entrepreneur, and I doubt I have the mind for it too, but I do believe that the boss is rich enough to live a comfortable life with more money to spare. Sometimes I feel like if I were a boss, how much would I pay my workers. If we climb that high to the top and have more than we need, why not raise the salary of these workers? In turn, their way of life will be improved and their children will have the education they need (despite whichever land they come from). This world will be a better place, ain't it? We actually have nothing to loose.

 Maybe its not that simple? Maybe its just the idealistic part of me, but sometimes I feel that something can still be done. (Just thinking out loud, lol!)

Dare to Believe

Almost at the end of my college term
I look back upon what I've learned
The experiences, friendships and lessons obtained
Priceless and not to be disdained.

Through the ups and through the lows
The people that comes and goes
It's not by chance we cross paths with
More like how a Higher Power intervened

Hours pasts quickly when you're conversing with the ones you love
Reflecting on the past three years here
Can't believe that we've outdone our capacity
Surrendering ourselves to go beyond "what could be"

Despite the roller coaster ride
We're able to enjoy the moment
Sometimes exhilarating, sometimes frightening
But every moment was worth living

Knowledge is broaden
While dreams continue to expand
I guess being idealists pays off
We still believe in our Fairy Tale "ending"

I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Let's not let the thoughts of others
Dictate our actions

We can't base our future on people's past
Neither will their story depict our own story
Their experiences are valuable
But we can have our own new ones too

And just like a prophetic picture taken
It's like we can reach for the stars so easily
As we align ourselves to His divine plan for us
His grace will be sufficient.

We've come this far
Him seeing us through every season
So come what may
I dare to believe.

And I dare you too....

Just believe and you shall achieve.


Photo Credit: Janice Khaw

It's about the People

Deeper into this realisation

A dawning of a personal revelation 

Into myself I search within

I love people way more than I think

At Legoland I find myself captivated 

Not by the Lego but by the facial expressions 

Of adults and children

As they're mesmerised by a magician

At the Malaysia day celebration

I see a father running with son and daughter on each hand

Towards and through the rainbow cloths despite the rain

Symbolising a great crossover into the promise land

In these very moments, I'm captured, captivated and mesmerised. 

The beauty of what family brings

In the 'mundane' I see true joy

Life's pleasant mysteries

Unfolding before me, priceless

Whether its the anxiety written all over an uncles face

As he sees the magician puts a sword through a throat 

Or the way a little girl runs with her dad 

Into the pouring rain with such glee on her face

I realise it's moments like these that I live for.

The same as sitting in my living room 

Watching tv and discussing with my family

Or time spent with friends

Laughing till my tummy hurts so bad

It's all about the people

And not just the ones I know

For I find such enjoyment

In people watching rather than a staged show

All the more am I pushed to share His love with them

For aren't they the very reasons He sent His Son?

May I continue to see the way my Dad sees

That in whatever situation, it really is 

All about the people...

HeartSong

E  B  C#m  A

Chorus

Let my heart sing to my King

Let these praises ring

From within 

When no words can convey

What I need to say

Into my heart You'll see

This is my heart song for You 

Breathe

Sitting in the airport
Pondering over my recent happenings
Overwhelmed by His Grace and Glory
I steady my heart

My flight is delayed says the speakers
And for once in my life I'm happy
Offering me time to reflect on His goodness
It's amazing what my God can do

Sang in the shower with liberation
Felt His presence literally
I didn't want to come out
The fact that He's everywhere comforts me

Understanding my true identity, my destiny
Even with a foreseen "failed" paper
And a hair color "gone-wrong"
I will not be shaken

Meeting Nick Vujicic
And having a good retreat up in Genting
I know I'm surrounded by the right people at the right time
Despite the doubts and self-depreciating

Sitting here is another bonus
Its not frequent that I get to fly MAS
With my sister here next to me
I just know we're His favored daughters

Taking a step at a time
One day at a time
I stand in expectancy for this "rushing" feelings
To occur even more regularly

That feeling not just inside my heart
But permeated into every part of my being
Overwhelming yet indescribable
God just captivates me

I know I've said this before
But God, You take my breathe away.
And me inside Your heart shall stay
For I can never see it any other way...