Unappreciated

UNAPPRECIATED.

That's how I've always felt being around him

And 20 years later

Nothing has changed

Hurts when you actually understand what's he saying

And the older you get

You'd think he'll respect

But it seems more ridiculous than it could ever get

To be verbally abused

Is better than physical

At least you don't bleed right?

But the pain inside

May last a lifetime

Woke up early this morning

To go for a prayer climb

Great what God is doing in our church

To see the youth take ownership and run that hill at 7 in the morning

I'm so proud of them

Speaking in toungues so loud

People thought we were indians

Claimed the land

Believing this lantern carnival would be life transforming

Not cos of us

But cos of God

Led them in a quick prayer to my unliking

Had to rush back before 8

Cos his car broke down for like the 288th time

Talk about sacrificial love.

Coming back this round and the last few times

The belittling has lessen as so I thought

I.was.wrong

Shouted at in front of his workers

Belittled, compared

Strip of my dignity

And of my worth as a daughter

Who was driving the car now?

Felt unappreciated

I would never be good enough for him

No matter how hard I try

Being below average is not nice to be heard of

Hurts even  more coming from your own dad

I wasn't gonna let him speak to me like that

I bet even his workers could see that his communication is handicapped

I followed instructions and directions exactly the way he said it

But oh no, he is "always" right and forever will be

Spoke up for the first time in my life in front of others

Heard my voice breaking but couldn't care less

I'm gonna put up with the same fight my mom went through

Cos that's just the way it is in complicated relationships

Silence.

After a "scene" and picking up the second worker

All the way to the work place

In my mind I was thinking

What have he gone through so bad

That would make him come to border lines like these?

Is there even a license given for people with not just a failed life

But who've been through a lifetime of hopelessness and defeat

To raise their voice, curse and spit

Anytime they like?

"Lord, help me love the man he have become is."

Thank God for a book I misplaced in the car

Found it and read it

Pretending to be indulged in it

While waiting for him and his workers to get their stuff out

Tried to not stare at the limping employee with his limping employer

Life has been hard and tough on him

But I guess it naturally manifests into his surroundings

With the pride, hate and arrogance he embraces

Dropped his workers

Now we have to head to his car that is older then me =.=''

Always breaking down, always giving problems

If I can't drive I'll feel embarrassed sitting in his

Seat belts don't work and you can practically see the moving road under you 

That's what you get when you let your heart win.

Not humbled enough to allow your brothers and sisters to get you a decent car.

The journey I dreaded-

It was just me and him

Thank God Britt Nicole was on the speakers

Blasted it to avoid conversation
And to show him I'm proud of the music I listen to

To not let his silence dictate my faith no more

To show him that as I grow up the more I'll defend and speak out for my faith

Whether he likes or not

Asked whether I have eaten yet or wanna go get a drink

The unchristian part of me wanted to scream

"I have to go to work, you idiot!"

To let him realize that I'm actually doing him a favor 

And avoiding the words "I'm fasting"

Like the discussion isn't heated enough already

How can you feel like everything's ok

When everything wasn't just a second ago?

Is that what pretending does?

Erase faults and leave situations hanging

When there's still a tenseness in the air between you?

Tears flowed mercilessly

Why did Britt Nicole have to sing about such things?

Talk about the "right" timing

"When she cries" was playing

But like usual he was oblivious

I guess that happens when you're aging

Couldn't wait to drop him at the petrol station where his car stayed the night

Poor car over-nighting and abandoned in places unknown for the hundredth time

Said a good bye

Drove off

And the tears came harder and stronger

Just couldn't stop

Asked God why this and why now?

When I already submitted the day to Lord

Asking Him to be in control of the day

As my sis says

Dad's timing is always "perfect"

When you have church events

He sends a cry for help

Talk about spiritual warfare at its best

I had to clean up my act

A day of work is before me and there's no time for pity-party and a teary face

I need to be strong and move on 

With God on my side

=)

With children's church and youth later tonite

Tomorrow's church bulletin

And decoration plus a presentation on my agenda

No way am I gonna allow the devil to win this

As I drove round the round-about

And whispered a word of prayer before reaching my church

I smiled with a slight smirk on my face

Not because of avenged

But because the devil has been defeated

Because there is nothing that can happen

That would make me love my dad less

Even if the devil uses emotions to get at me

The feeling of feeling unappreciated

I know I'm not fighting against flesh and blood

Or in this case, my OWN flesh and blood

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."~Ephesians 6:13

I know its not my dad himself when he belittles me

Its the devil behind it

And even though it seem so insurmountable to believe he'll come to Christ

I believe he WILL one day

And now as I draft this post with a smile on my face

With Britt Nicole on my computer speakers just yet again

The right song is playing at the right time

I'm "hanging on" and I know it's Divine

Cos even though my dad does not appreciate me (now)

My Heavenly One does...

"And I'm hanging on to every word He speaks, cos it's all I need...."