That's how I've always felt being around him
And 20 years later
Nothing has changed
Hurts when you actually understand what's he saying
And the older you get
You'd think he'll respect
But it seems more ridiculous than it could ever get
To be verbally abused
Is better than physical
At least you don't bleed right?
But the pain inside
May last a lifetime
Woke up early this morning
To go for a prayer climb
Great what God is doing in our church
To see the youth take ownership and run that hill at 7 in the morning
I'm so proud of them
Speaking in toungues so loud
People thought we were indians
Claimed the land
Believing this lantern carnival would be life transforming
Not cos of us
But cos of God
Led them in a quick prayer to my unliking
Had to rush back before 8
Cos his car broke down for like the 288th time
Talk about sacrificial love.
Coming back this round and the last few times
The belittling has lessen as so I thought
Shouted at in front of his workers
Strip of my dignity
And of my worth as a daughter
Who was driving the car now?
I would never be good enough for him
No matter how hard I try
Being below average is not nice to be heard of
Hurts even more coming from your own dad
I wasn't gonna let him speak to me like that
I bet even his workers could see that his communication is handicapped
I followed instructions and directions exactly the way he said it
But oh no, he is "always" right and forever will be
Spoke up for the first time in my life in front of others
Heard my voice breaking but couldn't care less
I'm gonna put up with the same fight my mom went through
Cos that's just the way it is in complicated relationships
After a "scene" and picking up the second worker
All the way to the work place
In my mind I was thinking
What have he gone through so bad
That would make him come to border lines like these?
Is there even a license given for people with not just a failed life
But who've been through a lifetime of hopelessness and defeat
To raise their voice, curse and spit
Anytime they like?
"Lord, help me love the man he
have become is."
Thank God for a book I misplaced in the car
Found it and read it
Pretending to be indulged in it
While waiting for him and his workers to get their stuff out
Tried to not stare at the limping employee with his limping employer
Life has been hard and tough on him
But I guess it naturally manifests into his surroundings
With the pride, hate and arrogance he embraces
Dropped his workers
Now we have to head to his car that is older then me =.=''
Always breaking down, always giving problems
If I can't drive I'll feel embarrassed sitting in his
Seat belts don't work and you can practically see the moving road under you
That's what you get when you let your heart win.
Not humbled enough to allow your brothers and sisters to get you a decent car.
The journey I dreaded-
It was just me and him
Thank God Britt Nicole was on the speakers
Blasted it to avoid conversation
And to show him I'm proud of the music I listen to
And to show him I'm proud of the music I listen to
To not let his silence dictate my faith no more
To show him that as I grow up the more I'll defend and speak out for my faith
Whether he likes or not
Asked whether I have eaten yet or wanna go get a drink
The unchristian part of me wanted to scream
"I have to go to work, you idiot!"
To let him realize that I'm actually doing him a favor
And avoiding the words "I'm fasting"
Like the discussion isn't heated enough already
How can you feel like everything's ok
When everything wasn't just a second ago?
Is that what pretending does?
Erase faults and leave situations hanging
When there's still a tenseness in the air between you?
Tears flowed mercilessly
Why did Britt Nicole have to sing about such things?
Talk about the "right" timing
"When she cries" was playing
But like usual he was oblivious
I guess that happens when you're aging
Couldn't wait to drop him at the petrol station where his car stayed the night
Poor car over-nighting and abandoned in places unknown for the hundredth time
Said a good bye
And the tears came harder and stronger
Just couldn't stop
Asked God why this and why now?
When I already submitted the day to Lord
Asking Him to be in control of the day
As my sis says
Dad's timing is always "perfect"
When you have church events
He sends a cry for help
Talk about spiritual warfare at its best
I had to clean up my act
A day of work is before me and there's no time for pity-party and a teary face
I need to be strong and move on
With God on my side
With children's church and youth later tonite
Tomorrow's church bulletin
And decoration plus a presentation on my agenda
No way am I gonna allow the devil to win this
As I drove round the round-about
And whispered a word of prayer before reaching my church
I smiled with a slight smirk on my face
Not because of avenged
But because the devil has been defeated
Because there is nothing that can happen
That would make me love my dad less
Even if the devil uses emotions to get at me
The feeling of feeling unappreciated
I know I'm not fighting against flesh and blood
Or in this case, my OWN flesh and blood
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."~Ephesians 6:13
I know its not my dad himself when he belittles me
Its the devil behind it
And even though it seem so insurmountable to believe he'll come to Christ
I believe he WILL one day
And now as I draft this post with a smile on my face
With Britt Nicole on my computer speakers just yet again
The right song is playing at the right time
I'm "hanging on" and I know it's Divine
Cos even though my dad does not appreciate me (now)
My Heavenly One does...
"And I'm hanging on to every word He speaks, cos it's all I need...."