More than skin deep

Waking up with the absence of peace
I look around and go out for a drink
Realising it's not time to rise yet
I wonder why the "jolt up"

Coming back in I turn off the lights
With uneven heartbeat I force myself to sleep
It's a long day of work
And an important night ahead

I shudder at the thought.

Questions pounding as quick as my heart skips
The presence of shame, guilt and defeat creeps in
The hurt still fresh and raw
Shouldn't I be over it by now?

Realising no one does or will ever understand
I realise this pain has such a hold on me
Tried to hide, forget and suppress it
But without acknowledgement it eats even more of me

Gain support from the most unlikely friend
"Mind blown" he said he was
Coming from him who's very much a work in progress
The genuine remark is like balm to a deep sore

But that's only temporal
The justified feeling it brings
For hurt's not just skin deep
It lies right within

But the problem is how do you forget
When no one stood behind you and for you
When the battlefield gave me an unfair disadvantage
Yet I still walk back in

What if history repeats itself?
What if I can't lead the way I hope to?
What if the same thing happens?
And no one will stand for me?

There will ALWAYS be those that doubt you.
But I shall remember the One who never once did
For it's not from  by some weird coincidence
That I am where I am today

He gave it all for me
So I shall give it all for him

Hurt will leak out from the way I speak or do
Therefore hurt has to go and come back no more
Easier said than done
I thank God for the prayers spoken..