Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Feeling Betrayed

They say it feels like you're stabbed in the heart
The knife in, twisted hard
Yet I beg to differ
Cos I still can't quite figure

My heart does not feel anything
Well at least for now
So much for emotions
A concoction of all things related to depression

Yet again that's not exactly how it feels
More like how thoughts overtake emotions
Thoughts you never gave a second glance to
Haunt you mercilessly with the absence of compassion

You start to wonder
Why this, why now, why me?
Why of all people you?
Bitter hidden agendas sugarcoated in the name of "friendship"

Its's a downward spiral
Towards the unknown of a never ending cycle
The pain of having to walk down a nightmare
An initially perceived pretty memory lane

You give in your all
Your time, effort, love and affirmation
Breaking down in the same river so many times
Yet you struggle to stay afloat, to survive

The many nights crying and countless times of forgiving
The numerous times of almost giving up
So is this where it comes to a halt?
The end of a friendship built upon lies?

You don't know what to do or say
Because right now it seems that all are in vain
Self-guilt starts to creep in
Biting you off your self-worth, dignity and integrity

It's already been three days
Yet the pain won't go away
You put on the forced smile
Hoping ignorance will make it okay

Yet today in my alone time with God
When I once again play these four chords
Something within me changes
A similar situation causing a different reaction

Speechless yet once again
This round not because of the wonder of His love
But because of the power of deception
Leaving me in an unspeakable state

My heart yearns for Him
Longing for a comfort that's already there
Yet today there was a tinge of something else
A subtle realization coming its own way

How do I put words to it?
It's like I felt what He felt
The betrayal of a special loved one
Paired with other nameless emotions

He knew on that cross
That many will come to Him
Yet others will turn away
Betraying their relationship with Him

Yet despite being all knowing
Seeing the beginning from the end
Knowing He'll be hurt time and time again
He still chose to LOVE.

It's unimaginable and unthinkable
Really out of this world
The comparison so pathetic
Me being hurt by one to Him hundreds of billions

Yet above it all
The pain, betrayal and rejection
He still chose LOVE
He still chose you and me

I begin to wonder
About the awe of my Creator
The God of emotions
Didn't exempt Himself from it

From different descriptions in the bible
To what I'm feeling right now
As the water starts to calm down
And LIFE flows through once again

I'm not deducing my feelings
Or the fact that this friendship maybe a hoax
Caught up in sticky emotions and insecurities
Confusing events jading you again and again and again

Yet I know that I'll be okay
That at the end there will be a silver lining
Although not knowing whether in this friendship to stay
But just understanding that God's got my back in every single way

Though I feel stupid and utterly humiliated
Thinking about whether this was true grace portrayed on my part
I'll choose to not waver on what I believe in
And know that the sun will rise yet again another day

And right now as I reach over to open a small note
From a really dear friend of mine
My tears start to fall
Knowing that I'll be alright

Nothing about what happened
She just got me a guitar pick
Asking me to continue to play
For the glory of my God

And that's what I'll do
No matter where I stand in this journey called life
I'll look up into the skies and see where my help comes from
It comes from the Lord...

Friendships either make you or break you
The power of influence from the few closest to you
Yet when one falls and shatters
Seemingly fallen glass pieces with no repair

You look at the ones still beautiful as new
Though a bit worn out
It just comes to show
That it stood the test of time

I'm boggled by the timing of this
With two major deadlines this week
And not so good news from back home
That someone who loves you will have the decency to do that to you

That it has to happen at my highest of highs
When I'm halfway across the earth
Exploring and journeying into more of the unknown
In awe, content and gratefulness of a childlike spirit

Yet I'm still strongly supported and comforted
By the authenticity that God has placed around me
Where this betrayal came from and how will it end
I have yet to know

But while in the waiting
I'll look at all those beautiful, worn out glasses
Not in a glass cupboard but on my table
Ready for me anytime of the day

Thanking God for them and for this I am eternally grateful....

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