Breathe... Just breathe

Breathe... Just breath
I repeated over myself in my head
Take a deep breathe
Everything will be ok

I paced back and forth
Calming myself down
Mentally tracing back to where I last put my pendrive
The pendrive with today's sermon in it

No pendrive means no sermon
And no sermon means half the congregation
Would have come to receive nothing
Nothing because of my carelessness

Thankful for my mom
Thankful for my friend
One to be in the car with me as I sped home
The other to be waiting for the sermon by his inbox

Mind racing and tears falling
Still trying to think how did I left it
As I thoroughly remember my steps
Taking it out of the CPU and putting it into my bag

But what's done is done
And what seems to be done was really undone
To swallow my pride and hope for the best
Thankfully testimony time stood in the gap

Throughout the whole process
I find my mind racing
In all sorts of different directions
Self-doubt, shame and justification

Why am I ever again so clumsy?
Am I ever gonna change?
I have been non-stop that's why
Identity if not protected attacked once again

I took my thoughts captive
And allow truth to slip in
I am not my actions
I am worthy of my birthright

As a child of God
A child who still makes mistakes
A daughter who still slips sometimes
I am a child of God

Why today? Why now?
Why before my last year of BSSM?
I fight the thoughts that scream mercilessly at me
Not believing that it was a sin consequence

I remember a pastor once started a group devotion
Among other leaders he told them to breathe
To breathe in and breathe deep
That this act has saved his life countless of times

And so did it mine
For this time around
A panic attack could have had me
But deep breathing saved me

Breathe in courage
Exhale fear
Breathe in love
Exhale self-hatred

I choose to believe in the One who sets me free
That with every breathe I breathe
I breathe Him in
Him inside me, that's all that I need

And so I will embrace this simple yet profound practice
To breathe in when I feel like falling
To breathe in when I feel the world's against me
To breathe in knowing that He's got me

To know that the God who breathed life into Adam
Is the same God that breathes into me
That the very existence of my being is because of Him
And in that I rest on His unfailing love, comfort and grace

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
And all things means ALL things
And sometimes it's just as simple (but just as important)

As breathing.... just breathing...

Define "Precious"

I just came back from an adventurous road trip two days ago and as adventurous as it was, it was also filled with lots of communicating with God, reflecting upon my past year and asking what lies ahead for 2019. We literally drove through California, Nevada and Arizona, so the lots of driving also meant lots of time conversing with God.

And so I asked God, "What's in store for me in this New Year?" and before He could tell me the things or plans He wanted me to do, He told me, "Define, precious. For you are precious to me".

That startled me as it sort of came out of nowhere. But it got me thinking and pondering and wondering. So I found the definition for the word "PRECIOUS" and it wrecked me.

From the Merriam Webster dictionary, "precious" means:

1. of great value or high price
2. highly esteemed or cherished
3. excessively refined
4. great or thoroughgoing (complete)

Reading this list once again brings tears to my eyes. That I'm so precious to the Maker of the universe. That amongst the wonders of creation, God looks out at me and calls me "precious". And when we really truly understand the meaning of what this word entails, it changes our perspective, our world view. The way we see ourselves, the way we see others, the way we look at circumstances knowing that whatever we're going through, it does not change who we are- precious in God's sight.

If we're able to look at each other with the true value that God has placed on us, things are gonna change. Relationships will be restored, friendships nurtured, loved ones seen in a whole new meaning and light. Abuse, divorce and wars will decrease because children, spouses and countries are precious. Human trafficking and sex slavery will not be an issue because lives are precious. Priorities will be reprioritized because the importance of friends and family far outweighs the temporal satisfaction of materialism and meaningless wealth. We may talk differently, act differently, behave differently because we cherish the ones before us. 

It also speaks on "self-love". That if God sees me as precious, I should carry myself in a way that's reflecting of how He sees me. To be patient with myself, to pay attention to my wants and needs, to say that it's ok to not be ok and that God will see me through. To not be so hard on myself, knowing there's grace in every season. To handle myself with kindness as how I handle the ones I love. 

So this year, let's be kind to ourselves because that's the heart of the Father for us. He is a good, loving and kind Father, therefore, that is our inheritance. Before we get out our new years resolutions,  rewrite new goals and re-dig old dreams, let's allow ourselves to sit in the comfortably of our own identities as precious children in the safe arms of a Father. And from there allow the dreams, visions, thoughts and plans to unfold. Flowing out of the certainty of our identity. Knowing that He will make all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). 

Bless you all and may you have a wonderful New Year!!! 2019 will be amazing!!!

Picture taken while driving nearby Mammoth Lakes during our road trip. 

My First Man

As I open my heart to the man You present before me

I can't help but let the tears fall free

The many years of waiting 

The many years of healing

Patiently holding on for the right timing

Keeping myself from casually dating

Controlling myself from playfully flirting

Never really dare dreaming

But always tenderly believing

That there was someone out there who was also waiting

Who kept and saved himself for the "right" one

Not awakening passion before it's right time

Allowing You to unravel me before him

Veil lifted and vision restored

The "beginning" of a tale of just "you and me"

With fresh eyes the pursuit begins

He stays unfazed through my struggles and confusion

Despite the age gap, the odd timing and the long distance

He pursues and persists, pushing past the awkwardness and piercing beyond the surface

He shows me a part of his heart that was meant to be filled only by me

So I think, I ponder and I pray

Still somewhat awestruck by all that's happen

Along with the flow I go

Starting to warm up to the comfortably of being with you

How you find your way into my brain countless of days at a time

9358 miles between us

Yet I feel  you closer than those around me

6 hours and 51 min of talking

Yet you're never tired of me

Rather you'd listen to me fall asleep, finding pleasure in that

And then I come across this song

"First Man" by Camila Cabello

I listen closely and halfway through have an epiphany

Like it was a song from me to God

Being aware that I was finally ready, ready to be in love

We come to the part where she sings "I promise he loves me, he'll never hurt me"

And remember how he gets sad whenever I'm sad

The tears turn into sobbing and from sobbing into weeping

The good kind of crying that brought release, healing, hope and relief

My fear of men fading

Is it even legal to pick parts of song and throw the rest away?

For I've never felt safe love from my earthly dad

But Daddy God, I feel you releasing me to him

Trusting him in his love and care for me

And I trust Your judgement because... 

"You were the first Man that really loved me"

Camila Cabello - First Man (Official Audio)

An Unfinished Process (BSSM 2nd Year)...

Hello!!! Hope this blogpost finds you well!! Attached here is an email I just wrote to my fund supporters on my journey in BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) and I would love to share it here with you guys too! Feel free to ask questions through the comments or email me at tricialim.my@gmail.com for more information. Any help whether through support, encouragements or finance is deeply and greatly appreciated! God bless!!! 

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear all!!

I hope you are all doing well and constantly awed by the hands of our loving Father. Just a little life update, I have just graduated from my first year of BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Redding, California and am now enjoying my summer break back in Malaysia with dear friends and family. Just want to say a big thank you for all your support, be it through prayer, finance or encouragements. I am truly blessed by all of you!

During my First Year graduation, Bill Johnson the father of our house released a prayer of blessing, telling us graduates that "us" standing there was not just "us" ourselves, but it was a representation of many nations, families and people. That those who have covered us with prayer and finance were also represented there with us. He even went on to pray that all that we have learned will be supernaturally received and transferred to all of you and that what Bethel has not seen, we will see in our home countries and churches. It's unlike anything I have seen or heard before. Seeing a leader "fight" for many years to see revival in his city, only to release it to the nations of the world in hope that we will experience even more, really exemplifies God's heart for His kingdom.

The other good news is that I am honored to be accepted for my second year in BSSM!!! It is truly God, as my acceptance email came just few days after my interview, and I'm blown away by God's goodness and acceleration. Two of my friends have paid for my deposit and part of my tuition fee but I'm still in need of more funds for my complete tuition fee which is due 1st of August this year. 

I will like to once again invite you on this journey of my second year of BSSM. I have learned so much in my first year, more so than I can comprehend. And God has been opening doors and favor where I have brought a group of graduated first year students to a little village called Ontolob (in the North of Borneo) to speak to the youth of an almost forgotten tribe called Sandayo about their identity and how powerful of a people group they are. It was a wonderful time together, where we saw God replaced lies with the Truth, young ones being consumed and touched by the powerful presence of God and others making clear life choices in prioritizing their time with God. It was amazing!

Also, we went to speak to a youth group in Kota Kinabalu city where the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit was felt. Some received salvation for the first time while others were convicted and blessed by the message. Prophetic words were also given out, encouraging them to walk in their true identity. It is really evident that BSSM has helped us as students with a heart of revival see what we can do when we partner with Christ.

As for me personally, I realized that when I'm speaking or sharing now, it's no more just mechanical but I feel LIFE flowing out through me. It's so tangible that I know it is not by my own strength but through partnering with the Holy Spirit that this is achieved. There's still so much to do though. I hope to do more prophetic evangelism and invade my city with the love of God! I'll also be sharing in my home church about my past year in BSSM and the tremendous transformation God has done in and within me. I am truly a changed person. I hope to record the message, so do let me know if you want the recording and I can send it to you!

Forgive me for this substantially long email, but feel free to email me to ask anymore questions or about what I have learned thus far. I have received many dreams and prophecies about my second year and am hopeful for an even more adventurous year of discovering the heart of revival and what it means to live "Heaven on earth". Below are some photos of our mission trip after graduation plus the link for my tuition fee donation and personal account number for my expenses in Redding. No obligation though! Thanks once again for your support and keep in touch!!!

Love & Blessings,

Tricia 

       

Group photo of our Sandayo Youth Conference in June 2018. 

The team of BSSM first year graduates with Cikgu Jaman (centre), 

the leader who made all of these happen!

Last group photo of our Revival Group headed by our wonderful and powerful 

South African Pastor, Richard Gordon 

(bottom centre with the coolest dreadlocks)!!!

Link for tuition fee donation (due 1st of August 2018):

https://my.bssm.net/donations/transactions/new?student_binder=24849

Link for living expenses (Malaysian Account):

Public Bank: 4895-3163-14

May God continue to bless you above and beyond and may you go from glory to glory to glory!!!! The only way from here is up!!!! Bless y'all! :D 

It's OK Not to be OK

Something that has been "astounding" me in the past week is how people here in the US will tell you they're "not OK" when they're really not. First it was surprising and then it became intriguing because back home in Malaysia, we almost NEVER say we're not ok. Any typical conversation will go like this:

A: Hi! How are you?!
B: Good! Everything is good....

When obviously something is not OK (based on their countenance) and then you're forced to guess what's truly happening in that persons world. Is it their boss? School? Spouse? Finances? Ministry stress? Boy-girl issues or just that time of the month again? Our compassion towards them then turn into an unnecessary burden-bearing that stems from an ungodly messianic nature, cos face it! We wanna save the entire universe but that was never God's plan for us cos He already did that. All we need to do is walk in-step with Him and live out our destinies alongside Him. When we realize we're not the Messiah and have no business filling that role, the pressure comes off. My mom could turn from a worrier to a (prayer) warrior, I don't have to be caught up in anxiety over my dad's health condition and salvation and I can trust that God has my sister and her destiny safely in the palm of His hand more than I could ever comprehend.

One important thing I learned here is that my emotions can serve as "warning flags" and show me how my heart is feeling, but it does not deserve the "driver's seat" of my life. I master my emotions, not the other way around. I do not deny them too, because that could bottle up and create an unforeseen volcanic eruption which may just hurt those closest to me.

I realize that I grew up super sensitive not because I was a problem child, but because it was a "gift" from God. I remember puking in front of a leader because I was feeling a religious spirit and being in the sick room the first two weeks of my high school "career" just cos it was Muslim dominated and although I tried my best to make things work, I just couldn't. I'm picking up on things in the Spirit that just wasn't mine. Reading books such as "Happy Intercessor" by Beni Johnson and "The Veil" by Blake Healy also helped tremendously.

A mentor told me that once I have the perception change in my head concerning my "gift of sensitivity" I could change the world!!!! How uplifting and relieving that felt! That I'm not a burden to those around me cos I'm picking up on stuff but it's God giving me permission to "see" or "feel" into the spiritual realm, that with the authority invested in me, I can speak to death whatever has to die and breathe life into what needs to live. I just love it!!! And so I'll share a song here that has deeply helped me in my years of growing pains and teenage bewilderment. It's really is ok to not be ok.... because God sees, He knows, He understands, and He would never let us stay in that state for too long. If only we allow Him in.

A Rude Awakening

So I was brought up in a super conservative, super religious and a super full of the "fear-of-men" type culture. One being that I'm Asian, the other being that I was brought up in a country where Islam is the main religion, bringing shame which naturally seeps into every sphere of society, including the church.

Being raised in a single parent family did not help too. Because my dad was verbally abusive, my mom left him, bringing two young girls along. My sister was a newborn and I was almost three when the separation happened. The move was great, really helpful to our spiritual upbringing, but it did not help us in our "hormonal" upbringing. hahaha! You see, my mom's side of the family were filled with powerful women (mostly single), totally sold out to God. Naturally conveying the message that to be powerful for Jesus, it is better to be single (which is a total lie, now that I'm seeing) and that it's culturally normal and even accepted for men to be less passionate for Jesus than their spouse (another crazy lie we should just laugh at). Also, we have never talked about sex. 27 years of my life and not one word muttered (Ok, that maybe a little exaggerating. Maybe we did talk about it when '50 Shades' came out, and how we discussed that was not how sex was created to be, end of story).

With that said, I was brought up thinking that every christian is a virgin until marriage, up until I came to BSSM. Man did I have a great "Rude Awakening" from the Lord! To fly all the way from Asia to America to have a cultural shock was great in itself, but to realize that most Christians have already had multiple sexual encounters with multiple sexual partners was mind blowing to my "religious" brain. Benji Nolot. director of Nefarious (a documentary about sex trafficking and sex culture- you should go watch it) said that there are two points that hinders the advancement of the Kingdom.

1. Sexual Immorality.
2. Taking Offense

Easy to say that I have passed the first test with flying colors, it's been really tricky to navigate through not taking offense too easily when I see my pals "not living up to the standard God has called us to walk in". It was something I had to desperately ask God for help in, because I realise that most of my most precious and closest friends here at BSSM were not virgins, and if God could look at them as spotless and forgiven, who am I to hold a grudge on them and hold them accountable to their past sins? I'm not God, therefore I'm not judge, and so all I have to do is ask God how He see'd them and look at them through the eyes of my Father. There goes my "ideal marriage" of marrying a virgin! hahaha! But I also took a stupid vow when I was 12 to not marry a guy with tattoos. It's kinda backfiring right now, cos I so want a tattoo too (Seriously! Got the word and spot and "yes" from God more than three times now. All I need now is the finance! lol!)

You see, I'm all about revival. My heart beats for the things of God and I wanna go where He wants me to go, marry the man He says "yes" to, reach a lost generation and fight against human trafficking. However, if I'm gonna allow my religious background to continuously take offense at the things of the world, it's really gonna hinder me from doing the Father's will. Jesus spent most of His time with sinners, prostitutes and tax collectors (corrupt government) and although He hated the sin, He never once hated the sinner. Instead, He chose to look in the face of  "ugliness" and say "I love you". #mindblown

So I asked my Revival Group Pastor, how do I not take offense yet at the same time seek to be understood. And he gave four simple steps (yes, christian principles need not be rocket science):

1. Never Assume
2. Seek to Understand
3. Be Understood
4. Find a Resolution

Don't need to come in with too much emotion. Look at the person through the eyes of Jesus. And just love. If Jesus can forgive His betrayers, we can too. And so even as I'm walking through this "Rude Awakening" I'm super grateful to God that He has placed the right mature people around me for such a time as this. And for this I'm eternally grateful. God is so understanding, He's blowing my mind!

Jesus, Help Me

Coming to BSSM is more than I could comprehend. Help me, Jesus.

On the side note: Please leave a comment if you're reading so I know people are reading and so I can continue posting, cos I'm really not sure whose reading but I wanna know. Hope to be more interactive with my viewers cos bringing people along on this journey is way cool!!! Also, does anyone know how to link Instagram here? Cos it's way easier with that app now, plus you get to see cool photos of whoever I'm talking about! (With their consent of course). Happy Chinese New Year to those back home, and Happy Valentines!

Take the Risk

Risk is so worth taking when you know you’re in a safe environment. Here at bethel, we are always asked to take risk and even when we “fall” the leaders and mentors always makes sure that they are there to catch us when we fall. The safety net we need because we will never succeed without failure. So I took a risk to sing a spontaneous song I heard about breaking of shame when the accuser of the brethren comes into attack and accuse you, questioning your devotion for God. I was encouraged by a mentor, took the step of faith, found the right key and sang for the devil to see that he has no hold on me. Little did I know that my friend Dan Hutchcraft actually have friends from worship mob. The band who came up with that spontaneous song. I believed this would encourage them because their song spoke to me in my deep season of need and through the power of Youtube, a girl from Malaysia saw hope through a song. So take risk where you know you can. Cos beyond the risk, more often than not, glory is awaiting on the side cos its really all about Jesus. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st4n3DzXlIA

PS: The Director of Worship Mob personally inbox me on FB to ask which was the song I sang because he wanted to encourage the worship leader. I love how all these is so seriously Kingdom. hahaha!

❤️

Faith in Men

Coming to BSSM, God has been transforming me from the inside out not just in breaking down strongholds and false beliefs but also in redeeming my faith in men. Yes, the male species that we christian girls are so worried about because good godly men seem to be on the verge of extinction. Most decent looking godly men are more often than not- taken. While the rest of the pool are either too young age wise or too young maturity wise. The gender ratio in church seems to also be quite alarmingly lopsided with most christian women either on fire and single or married with a less-than-passionate husband. I'm not going to say it's a sad reality because I don't have a global view on that, however, it's quite natural to see in most churches how there are so many more single ladies than single men.

Before coming here, I seriously almost gave up the potential of ever getting married just because I didn't see any potential man I could marry in my immediate community. Plus the fact that my parents were divorced also didn't help my view on marriage. It almost came to point of remaining single forever, or settling for less-than-best and the latter really scared me deep. I'll rather be on fire, free and super in love with Jesus than to be bounded in a relationship where I struggle in my freedom to worship. Thus, there was not one single option I could see myself actually risking.

But then "heaven invaded earth" and more than an idea or a concept, it became a true fact. A fact that scared me so much, I'd be so afraid that I will wake up one day and think that all of these was just a dream. You see, here in BSSM, we have 1,400 students (more or less) being chosen from a pool of 5000 applicants, so you cannot doubt that God wanted you here for such a time as this. Some people I hear, come to find mates but majority actually come with a deep hunger for the "more" of God. And that kind of aligns all of us on the same page. We don't have to necessarily manipulate ourselves into relationships but chase after God and allow Him to guide and lead us to the right one.  Because in true fact, there is actually tons of attractive, good-looking, godly men out there and we just have to open our eyes and see.

My Revival Group Pastor was on duty for collecting the offering once and he broke off the spirit of poverty over us. Not just poverty over finance, but poverty over our health, career and how we viewed the opposite sex. That changed my entire worldview. I realized that I have always held onto a poverty outlook of the opposite sex because I viewed them through the lens of my father. And that was unfair to men in general. No wonder it was so hard for me to go on dates or just hang out with guys because I'm already building cases against them as a self-defense mechanism before even allowing them in and even forfeiting myself for a great non-romantic friendship.

Here, I see men all around, passionately pursuing God and working on their own identity, that it has really restored my faith in men and changed my negative outlook on them. We can be going to the gym together and I don't feel sexualized. Or we can be ministering and prophesying to another and there is not one tinge of pride or performance in there. No trying to "put myself out there" so I can at least get a chance of "hooking a fish" but total surrender to the will of God in their lives. Including who they will spend the rest of their lives with. That's super romantic.

I on the other hand have to release myself from the tension of having to "marry the first guy I date" and allow the situation to unfold before me because there is beauty in the process. There is beauty in getting to know more about someone beyond the surface and there is beauty in thriving relationships.

And so with that I rest my case. I will leave the pursuit to the man and not try to "man-handle" myself into the arms of the one I think I love, but allow the one God has seen fit for me to pursue me. That takes a lot of faith and surrender.

When we were younger, we always dream of how we will meet Prince Charming and how he will sweep us off our feet and make us look so good with a Knight on our arm. But as I'm maturing in age and identity, I'm beginning to see that it's not so much about me and how my man will make me look good anymore but how I can help him with all my heart and see him walk into his destiny. It is about me making him look good to the world because as they say "Behind every successful man is a successful woman" and behind the scenes, I will love on him so much, it's impossible for him to not recognize his own gifts and walk into his destiny. As I've mentioned before, "I want to be so in love with my man that it would make it extremely hard for me to hurt him". I think this resembles the heart of the Father and that's why I think that it's a risk worth taking. For after coming here and seeing with my very own eyes that there are good godly men out there, my faith in men have truly been restored. (That and faith in myself to allow the right man into the depths of my heart, and I'm praying that it will be the same for you too.)

Revelation of His Goodness

I'm being so overwhelmed by the goodness of God in these last days that it's just blowing my mind of how such a good God He is and that He enjoys seeing what we enjoy. Been joining Cheer here and even as I'm practicing, I'm like "What is life?!!" screaming in my head! hahaha... Watched all the "Bring it On's" as a young girl and being part of a cheer squad seemed like a faraway or even impossible dream just cos the Cheer community back home comes nowhere near the US. And then there's a cheer squad here in BSSM and I just can't fathom the chances and opportunities, God is offering me. He doesn't see secular or sacred. He doesn't compartmentalize the things we love under spiritual or "nonspiritual". He just loves to see His children enjoying the things we love. We were wired and created in His image, and our love for dance, music, maths or science was of original design by Him and through Him. We don't prioritize the arts back home just because it doesn't "make enough money" to sustain a family but I'm starting to see the arts in whole different light. God made me for dance not cos He wants to "use" me on stage, but cos it's our "love language". He's constantly dancing over me and what can I do but not withhold my praise? He is really blowing me religious box time and time again here in BSSM and for that I'm forever grateful. God, You're just too good. I love<You.

Finding My Lost Phone

During my Christmas break in Seattle, I lost my phone. And almost immediately I had to reject the voice of the enemy mercilessly whispering in my head. See, I'm known to be one of the clumsiest in my family and if I were to lose this one, it would be my third i phone in two years and fear and disappointment could creep in so fast, robbing me of my identity- something I've been "fighting" to keep, embrace and reclaim here in BSSM. I consciously made myself busy so that my thoughts wouldn't go into a downward spiral because I knew that losing my phone does not make me a loser. Although naturally, shame could easily attach itself to me and cause me to be hard on myself, thinking how could I ever be so clumsy and careless. I chose to consciously partner with the truth of what God said about me over and over again to not allow shame to creep in. I withheld telling my family back home in Malaysia, as to not worry them, but also in believing that my phone will be miraculously found.

Being in the Bethel community of crazy and miraculous signs and wonders, anything is possible and I've personally seen testimonies of God's provision. Cars, cash, bicycles and plane tickets are given by God so freely, it truly is a glory zone of supernatural provision and so I believed that I could get back my phone.

I recalled where I last had it and it was either in H&M (where I was crazy shopping cos of the sales, totally regret that now), on the bus back from Seattle to Puyallup or on the streets of Seattle when I was rushing to catch the bus. I called all three contacts and was blown away by how kind they were and how much each of them wanted to help and hoped that I would get my phone back. Back in Malaysia, this would never happen. Chances of ever finding back your phone is zero to nil, just because if someone found it, they will sell it. If the police found it, they will sell it too. But I knew that this was an attack of the enemy and what the enemy has stolen, it has to give back no matter what.

While doing all the necessary procedures such as calling the different contacts, I also had two options in terms of prayer. I knew I could pray for a new phone cos anything is possible here, but more than that, I wanted my old phone back because of the prophecies and photos embedded in the memory. This past 5 months have been totally life-changing and most of the memories documented were in my phone. I just needed it back. I began to pray everyday for a Good Samaritan to pick it up and call the emergency contact my friend put in there. I prayed almost all day everyday, holding onto the highlights in 2017 and believing for a greater 2018, at the same time suppressing all negativity that were on the verge of bubbling up.

Time came when I was suppose to fly home to Redding from Seattle and I still didn't hear from anyone. My host family prayed for my lost phone even as they sent me to the airport, believing for a miracle. Came home without a phone, did laundry and all the necessary, and started preparing myself to come back to school. On the 31st of December, my roommate and I decided to host a New Year Eve's party and whilst we were busy decorating, I got an FB message from my friend from Seattle, saying that my lost phone got found and that she'll be driving down to Seattle to collect it and mail it to me!!! I was ecstatic! Overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness I couldn't believe it. God answered my prayer to the T! You see the H&M manager was collecting all the stuff from the lost and found on the last day of the year and she saw my phone, charged it and saw the number to call if retrieved! God is so amazing and I couldn't believe it!

Through this, I learned three things.

1. Pray, hope and believe that God will answer your prayer no matter how impossible the situation is.
2. My family wasn't as "judgmental" as I thought. Instead of identifying me as clumsy, they reached out to me through email, hoping and believing that it will return. (I just love my family so much and am super grateful!)
3. Not having a phone with internet connection made me soooo much more productive, I felt so robbed off my time when I actually had it!

After going through a withdrawal period (it was super tough, seeing how much I love taking photos), I had nothing better to do than to clean my room, decorate my wall, do my homework and what not. I became so much more productive, there were no more clothes on my bed waiting forever to be folded, or trash in the garbage needing to be taken out. I even had more time to be creative, it was amazing! I told myself that if I ever get my phone back, I would immediately delete Facebook off my phone and stop paying USD30 for service just cause I could survive with "wi-fi". And so I did. I must say that life has never been better. I don't fund myself wasting time scrolling through stuff that won't edify me, instead I became more happier just living in the moment and not comparing my life to everyone else's highlight reel. I loved it and am still loving it.

So I realized that God (and my partnership) can truly turn things around. We just need to believe and we will see that every storm has a silver lining and that the reward and lessons learned is so much more valuable then the "lost" we encounter. God is amazing, He works wonders as we encamp around His presence, making all things beautiful, turning beauty from ashes in making the lost get found.... even if it's a (stupid) i phone. Hahaha!!

Just Be You

“You’re the most anointed when you’re fully yourself” - Richard Gordon.

Here in BSSM, God is teaching me how to fully embrace and love myself. I think for the first time in my life, I can confidently say that there is no one else I’ll rather be. ❤️

Vulnerability as a Strength

I've been thinking about how the Bethel community is sooo different from where I came from. And I think it's two things. "Vulnerability" and the "Culture of Honour" and both of these can only breed from a place of freedom. Couldn't believe it when my pastor told our group that he just had a SOZO (inner healing) in the morning, I was like, "wait.. did you just give a SOZO or received a SOZO?" And we realised that it was through his honesty and vulnerability that helped us all see ourselves through the eyes of God. Everyone is the same in terms of feelings, hurts and emotions. Either you shove it down in a shame based culture, or be over vulnerable and share or your disappointments all day, everyday. But when you are mature enough to know your own limitations and allow the Holy Spirit to work through the awkwardness and mess, you'll see freedom and hope at the end of the tunnel. And that is when your personal breakthrough becomes other people's breakthrough. As Brene Brown says that vulnerability is key for connection. I believe it's the same between God and men. So may 2018 be a year where we take risks, be vulnerable before the right people and God, and see our relationships thrive under that. For I'm beginning to realise that vulnerability is not so much a weakness, but a strength that if you're willing to face, can bring so much breakthrough and freedom. <3 span="">

Bold Faith, Quiet Trust

Bold Faith & Quiet Trust

That's what she carries with grace & honor

Belief in God we must

But she took it many steps further

She graced the seasons of change

With silent but bold faith 

In times of need

She held onto quiet trust

She was a single mom

But don't be alarmed

For she faced the storms with courage

And in battles stayed calm

Looking back I didn't or couldn't see the price she paid

The sacrifice she kept laying over & over & over

As a child, you are oblivion 

To the finances, schedules and car rides a single mom gave

She sent us for ballet and music lessons

Vocal lessons and tution

Gave us everything we needed 

Above all she prioritised Jesus

That's her life's calling

To raise up two girls to be the most Christ-centered individuals anyone could be

To laugh at fear of the future

And acknowledge God as our Victor

I never knew the stigma attached to being raised by a single mom

Until a high school friend one day was quite surprised

When he found out I was raised by a single mom

I didn't show any signs of what a child with a single parent would typically look like

Other people were even astonished when they knew my dad

Amazed by how well my sis and I were brought up

One even asked us to be "backup" parents for their children

When we were only 15 & 13

See people recognize the strength in someone

When they see those below thrive healthily

And I'm glad that my mom did not raise me alone

But truly partnered with God almighty

She weathered the storms

The dissapointments

Carried me in prayer through my darkest times

And kept laying us at the feet of Jesus over and over again

She did not make her children her idols

But always pointed us to the King

Blessed us with so much more than we could ask for

And I pray that she will see the fruits of what she sowed

Been told to "forget" about her dreams

Been treated unjustly before

Been underestimated so many times

But what men don't see God sees

So thank you Mom for protecting your secret place

For keeping me and Deb in the hands of God

And never allowing us to embrace a poverty mentality

Showing us that true riches lie in all of eternity

We are both adults now
And I pray that what we carry
Would reflect what you "paid" for
We are so glad that God chose you to be our mom

Thanks mom for all you have done

The price you paid for the life we live

You have given us our dreams

May you now live yours...

Happy Birthday, I love you so....

My mom & I with our spiritual weapons! hahaha...

10 Years Redemption, 10 Years Fulfillment

Coming to Bethel School of Superntural Ministry (BSSM), I've gotten to meet lots and lots of different people, young and old from all walks of life. It always leaves me in awe to see how there are soo many more radical Jesus-lovers out there and despite background, skin color or social status, we're so hungry for God, it places us on a same level as one humongous global family. So this is Cheska from the Philippines, a dance teacher that taught me dance in a one day hip-hop workshop my mom signed me and my sister up before we even knew. But I'm so glad she did because back then she didn't know particularly what she was doing, but God knew. God knew that it wasn't just a seed of beautiful connection and friendship He was planting, but also a seed of revival that would eventually connect me to Bethel, because fast forward 10 years of wandering away from God, Cheska is now a third year student in BSSM! She was one  of those friends (or seniors) who cheered me on when I was just "thinking" to come. Little did I know that I was a "sign" from God to her in terms of redemption....

Me and Cheska! Meeting after 10 years in America!

It was when I was reflecting on her 10 year breakthrough that I realized that it was also my 10 year breakthrough of depression!!! I tried taking my own life when I was 16 and 10 years later I'm still ALIVE!!!!!!!! In your face, devil! God is so good to me, and I'm so in expectant for the future and all that it holds! I want to live life in joy and abundance and God is just giving me that!!! So let's kick fear in the face because it's just an illusion! 2018 here we come!!!

Also, here is a link to donate to Cheska for her expenses here in Redding for groceries, rent, etc. If you have a heart for dance and Hollywood, please support her because she has a call to go into dance industry and reform it for Jesus! And man, can she dance! Just do as God leads! You never know, you may just be funding a future Bieber dancer! hahaha..

Paypal: francesca.tabifranca@gmail.com

Or cashapp: $FrancescaTabifranca

Is it for Me or is it Not?

I thought that I didn’t learn much from the worship leading amt (elective) because most of what was shared came from a “mega” church point of view with an abundance of super talented singers and musicians to pick from.. a far cry from what my home church situation is. And then we got Kalley. I’m still marked by what she said. How her sharing about worship came from an overflowing well of substantial depth for the sole purpose of adoring God. How amidst the platform, followers and fame, Jesus will time and time again come back and say “is it for Me or is it not.. is it for Me or is it not.” And then you always come back into the alignment of Him before you and that’s really all that matters. Whatever follows is secondary to the grace we experience when we’re face to face with our first love. And I found myself thinking, “Why so much struggle lord? Why do we go to great lengths to come to a place like Bethel to seek for more of You and then struggle with the enormity of the prophecies spoken over our lives?” In which He replied, “If there is no war, there will be no victory.” So whether it’s direction for the next stage of our lives, finances, miracles or the salvation of a loved one, I’m confident that my “yes” to God whether big or small is a resounding “yes” throughout my generations. Until I see God face to face and spend my ultimate victory in all of eternity. And my relief is that the war has already been won and all we have to do is live out that beautiful story God has written for us. It lies in leaning into Him and abiding. And in that I rest my case. #bssm #worship #grateful


Joanna Finchum (1st Year Worship Pastor) & Kalley Heiligenthal (2nd Year Worship Pastor)

When I do....

When I find the one I love, I want to be so in love with him it will be tremendously hard for me to hurt him...

Looking back on 2017

Coming to BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Redding, California was such a big move. An overwhelming one to say the least in the most challenging yet wonderful experience of my life. Words can’t describe what I feel and all that I have learned here. It is also through wanting to process my thoughts and reflections through blogging that I realised my last post was from December of last year! What a long break I took?! There’s so much going on here that it’s real hard for me to prioritise time to journal so I think blogging will give me that necessary time spent sitting down and reflecting on my process and heart posture. (That, and the fact that I almost never look back on what I’ve written in my journals maybe because I don’t like my handwriting or how I feel that it’s so unworthy or even boring to be looked upon.. something that I might need to dig deeper into maybe?)

Anyways, it’s the 30^th of December, second last day of the year so I thought that I’d might write my feelings of reaching my “American Dream” of attending BSSM after dreaming about it for more than three years. There have been so many testimonies and crazy happenings that I’d thought I’ll just start with these and work myself backwards from here. So I bet (and hope) that there will be more posts coming up soon just to document my life’s journey and how faithful God has been through it all.

So I came here in August, almost not coming due to a deep depression I felt. One so big that my family was worried that I couldn’t take the flight here, just for my own safety. See, I was a “danger” to myself, swallowed up in negative thoughts and partnering with the devil on who I was and meant to be. Bad stuff. Stuff we should never think about because as Bill Johnson says, “We cannot afford to have a thought in our head that is not in His”. For me, it was the exact opposite, super detrimental to my very own well-being.

But through the fire and through the battle, I took that flight on the 24^th of August, with a thousand negative thoughts mercilessly flooding my mind, I spent the first two months questioning, doubting and feeling unworthy about myself. See, when the devil knows that you are one step closer to your destiny, it will do anything to stop you from taking that step and going further in trying to push you to take your own life. So bonkers in reality but so “real” when you’re in depression. It’s crazy.

Fast forward to the here and now, and I can’t but tear up in gratitude of the goodness of my Father. The times He kept singing over me even when I couldn’t hear Him. The times He reached out His hand through the fog and I didn’t hold it being too blinded by my own pain and “sufferings”. The times when He whispered His words of affirmation over me but all I could hear was the devil’s voice screaming in my head. The times where He felt the pain of the emptiness I felt. And the countless times He tried to make me feel found when I felt so lost. He never gave up on me.

And for that I’m forever grateful. When someone does that (let alone our Maker), fights and pursue you time and time again, you seriously can’t help but just give in to the pursuit, only realising that it’s the best decision you can ever make in your entire life. And in response to that, you want to make your life all about Him, the best way you possibly can.

So here I am, with tears streaming down my face, overcome by the reckless love of God. What can I say, when all that He does is leaves me in awe and dumbfounded by His beauty. That and the fact that I lost my phone on Christmas break in Seattle five days ago. Another HUGE reason I can partner with the enemy in saying what a disappointment, careless and clumsy girl I am, which will naturally drive me down the rabbit’s hole once again. But no, I won’t partner with the devil, instead I’ll partner with truth and not let it steal my joy. Although there are loads of prophecies and memories in the form of pictures I treasure with all my heart in there, they’re not my idol. God still reigns supreme over my life and staying in His presence is better than any materialistic thing could offer even if it’s storing prophecies and pleasant memories (good things actually). It’s good in a way because all prophetic words come from Him, so it makes me rely solely on listening to Him directly than being distracted by listening to those recordings. I realised that I have been spending more time on my prophecies than being face to face with Him in His presence without mediation. Sometimes we can be so distracted by the gifts that we subconsciously forget the “Gifter”. 

I do pray for a miracle though, because I still need my phone to connect with family and friends and I don’t have the money to buy a decent one. So please pray for me on that! Haha..  Anyways, I’m so glad that 2017 has been a super blast and coming here to Bethel really got me more than what I bargained for. Really excited to see what God has in store for me in 2018!!! 

Love y’all!

TRUST

|| TRUST ||

It's almost the end of 2016, and as I reflect on life, the year and my journey, I realised that "trust" is what I lacked in the past year, and it's what I need more in the new year.

You see, I've always known that I needed to trust God for the unknown, the future the new adventures and relationships yet I feel that I can never trust enough. We have numerous worship songs on "trust", "walking on water" and "bravery", yet every time i sing it, it gives me just that momentary "5-seconds-of-courage" but after the song has ended and I go back to my daily routine, reality hits like a hard brick wall, and fears, doubts and insecurities mercilessly crawls back.

But two days back it was different. As a mentor of mine shared on prophetic words spoken for 2017, God was speaking. Deep in my heart and mind, I felt Him say, "You have always tried trusting me, but please know that I trust you too." And then it started to sink in. My gifts, talents, future and relationships are entrusted to me by God, for God. The very fact that God chose me to give these talents shows that God knows what He's doing and that He's got my back. Come what may, my circumstances, response and shortcomings does not fret God at all, not one bit. He chose me, and I Him, and that's the greatest partnership the world could ever behold.

So in the next year, I will trust and keep
trusting until I see His promises and prophetic words over me come into fruition. It can't be just trust and no action though. I'll do my part and trust that God will do His, because He's a God of His word and He never lies. So whether it's:

Starting a band
Writing new songs
Opening a business
Establishing partnerships
Pursuing studies (at whatever age)
Forging new friendships
Taking up a new hobby
Investing in new assets
Changing jobs
Falling in love (romantically)
Trying to get pregnant
Buying property
Getting A's on a test
Learning a new instrument
And the list goes on...

Believe that you've always had the faith to "walk on water", but now "trust" God that you won't sink. For if He has planted those desires, dreams, wishes, people and interests in your heart, He totally believes in you too. Trust that His plan for you will be the best "journey" you've ever travelled. For He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. So 2017, we're ready for you!!!!!

"And there will never be a day, You're uncertain of the ones you choose", Mercy by Amanda Cook.

❤️

Bogo Bras- Bras with a Difference

Why Bogo Bras

I've never once talked about products on my blog because I only blog about reflections, revelations and lessons learned or "stuff" on my heart itching to get out without needing face-to-face conversation due to the fear of being judged.... 

But lately, I have a burning passion inside of me. It started back in the summer of 2014 (UK time) when I was finishing my degree in Liverpool. I got exposed to the harsh world of human trafficking and I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to be a part of a global movement to stop human trafficking.

Fast forward two years and I'm back in Malaysia,  even more exposed to this issue after God-given connections and researching on the subject. Malaysia is thought to be one of the countries with the highest population of trafficked victims yet we know nothing about it, because EVERYTHING is hidden. 

My heart is to start raising human trafficking awareness here in Malaysia because women are people and not commodities, designed to love and be loved and not to be used for sexual exploitation or overworked in factories without a minimum wage. 

So when Bogo Bras added me on Instagram, I was more than delighted to join the movement or buy a bra! Anything that will bring awareness and aid trafficked victims is totally my thing. And because I started going to the gym, I was in desperate lookout on a suitable sports bra, so talk about divine timing! 

Bogo Bras Mission 

The mission of Bogo Bras is to support rescued trafficked victims by helping them start their own business through "Support Entrepreneurship". For every bra purchased, one bra is donated to a woman coming out of sex trafficking to start their own business. 

With these donated bras, women will have business opportunities where it'll help enhance their communication skills, money management whilst handling inventory... New skill sets they can take to their new employers while job hunting or even when they learn to start their own businesses one day. 

With more than 45 million trafficked victims in the world today, Bogo Bras creates a safe work place for women to get back on their own feet with crucial support from fellow victims who understands what it feels like to be exploited. 

Trafficked victims usually do not have access to proper education, making it difficult for them to find jobs after being rescued, but Bogo Bras helps them through 3 simple steps:

1. Telling women they can own their own businesses.

2. There are alternative job opportunities.

3. Allowing women to support other women by purchasing a bra. 

I really really support this because after some research, I found out that big brands such as Nike has have had trafficked victims down their supply chain and therefore I'm more cautious in my purchasing these days. With Bogo Bras, not only am I not contributing to the use of human trafficking, but I'm making a statement to go against it and it's real liberating to see such brands come up with these stuff to empower women all over the world!! 

Visit them at bogobras.com for more info! @bogobras