Standing on Empty

To stand on empty

I'd rather be a bird and be free

To soar in the sky

With nothing in mind

I feel like I'm standing on this tiny island

2 by 2 feet

Just enough to hold me

The sand so yellow I feel hollow

It's not the first time

It happened after TT

It's happening after Easter

The emptiness after a big event

You work and work, You do and you do

And then it is all over

With a pat on the back and praises abounding

The last thing to expect is the feeling of nothing

I get that a lot

Working so hard to achieve something

And when it is all over and done with

A slight depression enters and nothing

I hate that

The way I feel the way that I feel

I'd rather cry or be enraged with emotions

But I guess sometimes things or in this case emotions don't come as you want

No tears, no anger

No happiness, no joy

Not even the slightest feeling of achievement

Just pure numbness as numb as it can be

You feel so desperate you'd rather any kind of emotion

I try to feel happy but that would be lying

I try to cry but the tears would never start falling

I try to find something, anything within me and all I see is emptiness

We're so used to being busy

That the moment I have free time

I just don't know what to do

And everything seems grey and blue

I have to trust that God will see me through and fast

Cos finals are next week

And to stay in such nothingness will be weak

I have to fight and start making things right

I have to move away from this island I stand

The Island of Empty

And move onto standing on the direct will of God

His Word and who He is

Took a walk but couldn't concentrate

Tried talking to God with no return

Text-ed a friend with no reply

Tried reaching my inner feelings with no avail

But in God I put my trust

And on His solid rock I stand

A step away from the lonely Island

And onto His strong promises for me

To know that He knows what I'm going through

That even though I'm not feeling anything

He still feels for me

And He knows exactly to the very core of what I'm going through

To me I may feel nothing

But He takes this nothingness and turns it into a something

And that will be a wonderful and incredible "something"

Although I haven't a clue whatsoever of anything

I wont stay true to my feelings

For right now I don't feel anything

But I'll stay true to my Faith

For God is my everything

And that is one step of faith away from this Island

And onto what God has in stored

No more standing on empty

For my faith stands on a God that has so much more...

I Miss Ballet...

Sacrifice?

Easter Nite was a great success, not because of anything but because of God. Ok, credits have to be given to the commitee and also to those who helped us in prayer and deeds plus the many churches backing us up. I stand amaze at how God has crafted it all together in the most interesting and mysterious ways. He truly is beyond us and thats just the beauty of it- to not be able to fathom the fullness of Him.

To receive so many praises and all is very satisfying, but I should not get over my head but give it all back to God. However, there are still some negative facts to it and its not very pleasant. Not going to spill it out, but to pray without ceasing we truly must.

The event was a success

And it was truly a beautiful mess

That turned out to be more than whats to be expected

When 36 people gave their lives to God

So what now?

For revival is already at our doorstep

Are we going to continue the work that has been started

Or is it too much to ask for cos we also have academics to muster

Before this event came and through the preparation and course of it

There were so many times I questioned myself (just yet again)

Am I really in the centre of God's will?

Would He approve of what I'm doing for Him?

Are these the right questions?

To say that I'm doing this for Him

Sounds like I'm doing Him a favor

And hoping in turn He'll return me a favor

Questions, doubts and fears creeps in

The questioning becomes more than just pure questioning

It becomes questions that are rather demanding

Wanting something in return because of my "sacrifice"

"I sacrificed my sleep to do devotion"

-"Please help me with my course work"

"I'm spending so much time with the proposal"

-"You gotta give me a pass for my midterm"

When questions starts becoming doubtful and forceful

I have to stop there and then to keep myself in check

Thank God for mothers

Cos I needed mine when I was blind

Blinded to the way I was questioning God

My silent tone which God can only hear

Assuming its ok to question Him so much

That I didn't know I actually crossed the line

To think that all these so called "sacrifices"

Are actually gonna bring me magic in return

To have good grades without putting in the hours

And to think I'll be able to finish my assignment nicely at the last minute

God is not Santa Claus

My mom reminds me all the time

But somehow somewhere I secretly wished He was

Without realizing it

For we have heard of how students get good grades supernaturally

Or how they finish assignments in half the time others use

But I have to stop being mystical

And to start being real

If I wanna serve God like I say I do

I'll have to prioritize and not be too fickle

To not think that what I do is sacrifice

For they come nowhere near the true Sacrifice

To switch the focus off me and towards God

And to not think too highly of myself

But be humble in all things

And to still as a student keep my responsibilities

What is done is done

I didn't give my best this sem in terms of academics

And to face the music I must

Without secretly or fantasizing that it will be suddenly all ok

I have to start working hard

And forget about the "sacrifices"

That are not even sacrifices to begin with

If I did them all with the longing of a wonderful return

I have learnt my lesson

I serve God because I want to

And because I love Him

And through serving Him that is how I show Him

Not because deep down in a dark corner of my heart

I really want something from Him in return

For what is a "sacrifice" when I'm still living comfortably?

The true Sacrifice laid it all for me

Took my shame and and all my pain

And there would be nothing in this world

That I can do to compare with it

Yet I still mutter under my breath

And question Him

Wondering why He isn't helping me in ways

When I have to really look at it from a not-so-childish angle

I pray that He will forgive me

For being so childish and selfish

To think that what I did was "sacrifice"

Having a mindset of Cain

When I should be an Abel

I'm gonna work on my perspective from now on

To stop thinking that being a christian is all sunshine and butterflies

But to start being real and understand that it aint going to be easy

For my dearest Father in Heaven

The least I could do is to be a

PLEASING SACRIFICE

(On His terms and not mine)

Father, I need your help on this and I know You'll help me. I love You.

When God messes things up

Things have not been going on as planned so far

One thing after another

Problem after problem

Directed at us in ways unknown

Why do these happen?

Isn't it too much to handle?

We're only at a college level you know?

How come so many hindrances?

To plan such an event

We will have to work with God hand in hand

For once we take the focus off him and onto the plans

We miss the whole point and without an Anchor we sink

People getting sick,Plans being questioned

Being called a cult

And the so many times it rained during our outdoor prayers

Isn't it all enough?

Yet I see interns taking leaves

People working 'til over midnight

Countless of corresponding emails

And groups praying in the rain

I can't stop but to just think in wonder

Of all these spiritual giants

Young in stature but big in faith

Not allowing the devil to take over

Things may not go as planned

People may pull out the last minute

There will be sleepless nights

And there are already plans of revenge

(In a joking manner, but we've already prayed and asked for forgiveness =))

We may get distracted and deviate from the core purpose of it all

But God is our constant reminder and always brings us back on track

Just look at the prayer meetings

And the committee and all that are involved

Giving their best in all they do

And trusting God in all the rest

I believe just through this Easter project

People have grown in faith by leaps and bounds

Not only in character but most importantly in our faith

Thanking God for even the screw ups

I've learned something from everyone here

Their servants heart

And heart of worships

To make the fullest out of their college years

I am truly blessed

To be surrounded by such wonderful people

The event is 2 days away

And still there are things that are not half way there

But in God we trust

And to believe in revival we must

And through it all

One thing I have learnt

We could come up with the best plan possible

And people will give their best they will

But when God messes things up

It will seem like a total mess

But trust me

It will be beautiful

For He knows His ways even though it may seem illogical

You better believe that there's a bigger plan

And I'm learning every step of the way!

God is good. Out of the box. But good. =)

Being Wanted

I have never felt this wanted before

Not by a person but by so many

Lol, it's not by guys but by many people

Who hold important posts in this college

I guess going to the Leadership camp has opened many doors for me

To emcee in different events and help out in anyway I can

But somehow there's just too many events and too many dates

Too torn in between to miss out on any, I'll hate

But I have committed myself to CF

And there is where my decision lies

But what about the harvest field

If not me then who?

Taking up these posts wont be easy

Going through the interviews wasn't even easy

I didn't plan to go in the first place

Why was I there at the right or wrong time?

They can really talk you into helping them out

Bending their rules for you

Giving you favors

Just so you can help them for that few days

Have this been what I have always been looking for?

To be known, needed and wanted?

Its hard to say for ironically I hate attention

People won't believe it

But seriously I do

Don't know what it is

Is it the way I speak, laugh or present?

Or is it the way I look too young to be my age?

Or is it even my height? (lol)

What I want is to be God's light

To shine not for me but for Him

So that when people see me

They don't see me but God

It's easy to say that

Really easier said then done

I hope my heart is right where it's suppose to be

To be filled with humility even in the midst of this activities

To not be proud cos so many people know me

But look beneath and to see what lies under it all

I have to stop being fickle

And start making important decisions

To prioritize my time

And not leave God behind

I guess being wanted isn't how I thought it will be

I was seriously confused and walked back with a heavy heart

So what if so many people want you to help out

I only have 2 hands and 2 feet

Talked to close friends about it

Saying that I hope I had a twin to help me out

But she answered, "then you'll just have double the problem"

They really opened my perspective on this situation I'm going through

I hate where I am right now

To have to choose between so many

Cos somehow in one way or another

Its not just events but friend ties involved

God, please help me

Show me which to choose

And which to not

To have the courage to just say no

And to not give in and please everyone

But You

But at least people can that I'm a christian

And so far comments have not been negative

If only they can see my heartbeat for God

And what I'm trying to live out

It will really make being wanted all the more worth it...

Jesus Culture Band

Its 3 in the morning

And I just cant sleep

Its not the 4 hour nap I took this afternoon

But this new cd that I'm hearing

Jesus Culture Band

Taking worship to a whole new level

Not letting time limit them

Nor allowing cool riffs to distract us

The simplicity and sincerity in their music

The way they sing the songs they sing

And play the songs they play

It's just freaking awesome!!

Wanted to take a walk

Just to spend some time with God

But then it started raining

And I bet that He wants me staying in

To continue to listen to the songs

That literally gives me goosebumps

Ushering me into His holy presence

To not try but to simply flow

"Love Never Fails"

The cd goes back to song 1

And my tears starts coming

Without any warning

Read a book before this happened

While listening to this cd my friend burned for me

The songs were so intense

I had to either quit reading or unplug my earphones

Is it possible?

For people to be able?

To bring heaven down?

And make His presence known?

Making His love real?

His grace felt?

Feeling Him like He's right there in the room?

It's just crazy how God works sometimes

To touch you through a cd given by a friend

Or to come across another friend's blog featuring the soundtrack

(I first came to know this band through a friend's blog)

Or to hear it in a friends car all by coincidence

It's not Hillsongs you see

We hear them everywhere

But its another worship team

Subtle and not under the lime light

Their songs are so strong that they compelled me

To turn on my broadband all over again

And to just take this post now

To blog at 3 am for the glory of our Lord

Woke my roommate up

But just couldn't stop singing to the song playing in my earphones

I was being as soft as I can

But when the spirit comes it comes and it is unstoppable

This band is truly "one of a kind"

For who dare say that they will live a "Jesus Culture"

Its a lot to live up to

But with hearts abandoned they are willing

No fancy names nor fancy clothes

Just pure hearts of worship

They're not only gifted and talented

I believe they were appointed

Just like Hillsongs and Planet Shakers

To usher people into the Holy of Holies

Where we can meet our God face to face

Just caught up in the embrace of His holiness

I wish their cds were sold here

Too bad they're arent

Can someone please help get them a license?

(lol, just joking! but there must be a reason why they're not sold here)

Go hear them out!

They're really good

Not cos of their strong vocals

Or good guitar skills

Neither cos of the cool drum beats

Nor the catchy tunes

Ok, all this come into consideration

But its the honesty of their lyrics

The sincerity in the way they sing

Their hearts cry to not relent until God touches them

To fill them with a love that never fails

To tell God how beautiful He is

To be daring to say

"Where You go I will go"

"What You say I say"

"What You pray I pray"

Truly following a "Jesus Culture"

They are not distracting

But points us to Christ

I think they have helped me with my worship

Sometimes you just dont have the words

But they have helped me say some things I never thought before

Through their songs

They're just being real

We should adopt a "Jesus Culture" as well

Saying "Here is my heart, You can have it all"

For isn't that what true Christian living is all about?

Results?

Checked my results

They were better than expected

Glad I could maintain my CGPA

To God be the glory

For I do it all for His name

But so what if I did well?

Would I not praise Him if I did less than average?

Does my results really define the person I am?

Or is it just a stat that will be forgone the next sem?

We all say that its ok

Just do your best

And leave the rest

But I do believe that our marks and results

Do define or maybe show and reveal a part of us

Some way or some how of some sort

Like obesity.

It is the result of gluttony and over-eating.

Big Mansions.

The result of hard earned cash whether dirty or not.

Our Spirituality.

The result of time carved out to spend time with God.

So results do show a little of who we are

Whether we have put in enough hours into our studies

Whether we paid attention in lectures

Whether we took down enough notes

Or do tutorials to say the least

But there would never be a definite answer

For some students spend hours studying

But not getting the results they want or even passing

While others party away and do last minute reading

Yet they score really well or way above average

So does an A1 = A Genius?

A 100% = Someone Perfect?

Or a C- = A Retard?

And a 0% = Someone Stupid?

NOT AT ALL!

People cant be judged based on numbers or alphabets

They have to be known

To be heard

To be seen through the eyes of God

So don't tell me you're stupid just because you didn't too well in your exams

Or that I'm smart cos I did ok

We're all the same one way or another

And God didn't make mistakes when He created us

I bet you are better in stuff that others are not

So just leave it to God and live your life to the fullest

Besides we have more important things to do

Than cry and get depressed over poor results

Lives are at stakes

There are fishes everywhere

And we are called to be fishermen

I'd rather concentrate on the result of my faith

True outward righteous living

From the inside of a vulnerable heart

Where studies are focused on the Word

And listening to the greatest Teacher of all

In the form of seeing miracles

And just living in the centre of His will, grace and mercy

Results of tests and exams

Are only earthly standards

But I want to live up to my Father's standards

And that to me is the result that truly matters...