To receive so many praises and all is very satisfying, but I should not get over my head but give it all back to God. However, there are still some negative facts to it and its not very pleasant. Not going to spill it out, but to pray without ceasing we truly must.
The event was a success
And it was truly a beautiful mess
That turned out to be more than whats to be expected
When 36 people gave their lives to God
So what now?
For revival is already at our doorstep
Are we going to continue the work that has been started
Or is it too much to ask for cos we also have academics to muster
Before this event came and through the preparation and course of it
There were so many times I questioned myself (just yet again)
Am I really in the centre of God's will?
Would He approve of what I'm doing for Him?
Are these the right questions?
To say that I'm doing this for Him
Sounds like I'm doing Him a favor
And hoping in turn He'll return me a favor
Questions, doubts and fears creeps in
The questioning becomes more than just pure questioning
It becomes questions that are rather demanding
Wanting something in return because of my "sacrifice"
"I sacrificed my sleep to do devotion"
-"Please help me with my course work"
"I'm spending so much time with the proposal"
-"You gotta give me a pass for my midterm"
When questions starts becoming doubtful and forceful
I have to stop there and then to keep myself in check
Thank God for mothers
Cos I needed mine when I was blind
Blinded to the way I was questioning God
My silent tone which God can only hear
Assuming its ok to question Him so much
That I didn't know I actually crossed the line
To think that all these so called "sacrifices"
Are actually gonna bring me magic in return
To have good grades without putting in the hours
And to think I'll be able to finish my assignment nicely at the last minute
God is not Santa Claus
My mom reminds me all the time
But somehow somewhere I secretly wished He was
Without realizing it
For we have heard of how students get good grades supernaturally
Or how they finish assignments in half the time others use
But I have to stop being mystical
And to start being real
If I wanna serve God like I say I do
I'll have to prioritize and not be too fickle
To not think that what I do is sacrifice
For they come nowhere near the true Sacrifice
To switch the focus off me and towards God
And to not think too highly of myself
But be humble in all things
And to still as a student keep my responsibilities
What is done is done
I didn't give my best this sem in terms of academics
And to face the music I must
Without secretly or fantasizing that it will be suddenly all ok
I have to start working hard
And forget about the "sacrifices"
That are not even sacrifices to begin with
If I did them all with the longing of a wonderful return
I have learnt my lesson
I serve God because I want to
And because I love Him
And through serving Him that is how I show Him
Not because deep down in a dark corner of my heart
I really want something from Him in return
For what is a "sacrifice" when I'm still living comfortably?
The true Sacrifice laid it all for me
Took my shame and and all my pain
And there would be nothing in this world
That I can do to compare with it
Yet I still mutter under my breath
And question Him
Wondering why He isn't helping me in ways
When I have to really look at it from a not-so-childish angle
I pray that He will forgive me
For being so childish and selfish
To think that what I did was "sacrifice"
Having a mindset of Cain
When I should be an Abel
I'm gonna work on my perspective from now on
To stop thinking that being a christian is all sunshine and butterflies
But to start being real and understand that it aint going to be easy
For my dearest Father in Heaven
The least I could do is to be a
(On His terms and not mine)
Father, I need your help on this and I know You'll help me. I love You.