Sacrifice?

Easter Nite was a great success, not because of anything but because of God. Ok, credits have to be given to the commitee and also to those who helped us in prayer and deeds plus the many churches backing us up. I stand amaze at how God has crafted it all together in the most interesting and mysterious ways. He truly is beyond us and thats just the beauty of it- to not be able to fathom the fullness of Him.

To receive so many praises and all is very satisfying, but I should not get over my head but give it all back to God. However, there are still some negative facts to it and its not very pleasant. Not going to spill it out, but to pray without ceasing we truly must.

The event was a success

And it was truly a beautiful mess

That turned out to be more than whats to be expected

When 36 people gave their lives to God

So what now?

For revival is already at our doorstep

Are we going to continue the work that has been started

Or is it too much to ask for cos we also have academics to muster

Before this event came and through the preparation and course of it

There were so many times I questioned myself (just yet again)

Am I really in the centre of God's will?

Would He approve of what I'm doing for Him?

Are these the right questions?

To say that I'm doing this for Him

Sounds like I'm doing Him a favor

And hoping in turn He'll return me a favor

Questions, doubts and fears creeps in

The questioning becomes more than just pure questioning

It becomes questions that are rather demanding

Wanting something in return because of my "sacrifice"

"I sacrificed my sleep to do devotion"

-"Please help me with my course work"

"I'm spending so much time with the proposal"

-"You gotta give me a pass for my midterm"

When questions starts becoming doubtful and forceful

I have to stop there and then to keep myself in check

Thank God for mothers

Cos I needed mine when I was blind

Blinded to the way I was questioning God

My silent tone which God can only hear

Assuming its ok to question Him so much

That I didn't know I actually crossed the line

To think that all these so called "sacrifices"

Are actually gonna bring me magic in return

To have good grades without putting in the hours

And to think I'll be able to finish my assignment nicely at the last minute

God is not Santa Claus

My mom reminds me all the time

But somehow somewhere I secretly wished He was

Without realizing it

For we have heard of how students get good grades supernaturally

Or how they finish assignments in half the time others use

But I have to stop being mystical

And to start being real

If I wanna serve God like I say I do

I'll have to prioritize and not be too fickle

To not think that what I do is sacrifice

For they come nowhere near the true Sacrifice

To switch the focus off me and towards God

And to not think too highly of myself

But be humble in all things

And to still as a student keep my responsibilities

What is done is done

I didn't give my best this sem in terms of academics

And to face the music I must

Without secretly or fantasizing that it will be suddenly all ok

I have to start working hard

And forget about the "sacrifices"

That are not even sacrifices to begin with

If I did them all with the longing of a wonderful return

I have learnt my lesson

I serve God because I want to

And because I love Him

And through serving Him that is how I show Him

Not because deep down in a dark corner of my heart

I really want something from Him in return

For what is a "sacrifice" when I'm still living comfortably?

The true Sacrifice laid it all for me

Took my shame and and all my pain

And there would be nothing in this world

That I can do to compare with it

Yet I still mutter under my breath

And question Him

Wondering why He isn't helping me in ways

When I have to really look at it from a not-so-childish angle

I pray that He will forgive me

For being so childish and selfish

To think that what I did was "sacrifice"

Having a mindset of Cain

When I should be an Abel

I'm gonna work on my perspective from now on

To stop thinking that being a christian is all sunshine and butterflies

But to start being real and understand that it aint going to be easy

For my dearest Father in Heaven

The least I could do is to be a

PLEASING SACRIFICE

(On His terms and not mine)

Father, I need your help on this and I know You'll help me. I love You.