Deep words

Deep words I still have to digest but will cherish.... God is just blessing every aspect of my life. I guess when we take a step towards Him, He seriously takes 10 steps towards us, and messes up our whole life in a very interesting and peculiar way. I stand in awe of what my God is doing in my life. May you experience the same! Cheers!

It was all Me

Even as I continue to soar so fast and high in my (long and interesting) spiritual journey with God, it is really really easy to take an accidental, subconscious step of pride and just fall off the cliff into my own self-destruction if I think all these crazy, heavenly (yep! I went to heaven), divine happenings happened because of.....ME.

You see, I have been true a really dry season in the last semester, seeking God and wanting a touch from Him, although He showed up in the most peculiar ways I wanted to hear directly from Him, to know Him and see Him. Little did I know that you really have to be careful with what you ask for because He is just blowing my mind with what He's doing in my life right now. Open doors everywhere (strangers, random people), friends that I have been praying for asking me about God, classmates being more aware of CF (even if it's cos there are "cute guys" from the photos), people from elsewhere attending our CF, 3rd Heaven experiences, dreams, bible insights, divine answers, favor with God and men and so much more.

If I think that all these are coming at me because of my works or effort, the way I pray every night in our hostel prayer group, how I fasted, the way I'm reading more of the bible or how I'm being such a good child of God obeying His commandments I am totally WRONG. God allows me to experience His greatness because of Him and not me.

It is something I have been learning in my church, that spiritual gifts, promises, financial blessings, life in abundance is given to us not because we're good enough (base on what we do for Him) but what He wants to give us just because HE IS LOVE.

I can fall very easily into pride thinking that my self-effort has brought me to where I am today, smack right in the bulls-eye of God's promises and blessings for me. But God knows best and even before I can bask in my self-righteous glory, he led me to this through my devotion time.

⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

To not dampened the effect and truth which jumped out at me, I'll just copy the whole thing from my devotion.

"....we all want credit for the stuff we do. And God is the same way. When he does something great, he wants us to know that it was him- all him. ...Through Jesus death, we were brought to life. Our sinful hearts were transformed into hearts that desire him. We were made pure, holy and blameless in his sight. And we had absolutely nothing to do with it...it's all him. Knowing that we have such an amazing gift-salvation- it's tempting to think that we were somewhat responsible. We want to think that because we did something good, God rewarded us. But God says, "No way. You've got nothing to brag about....it was all me." It's only through God's grace that we're saved. Take time today to thank him for his grace and for your salvation that's not dependent on who you are or what you've done- only on who he is and what he's done."

I don't have to explain anymore, you get the picture. =)

Open Hearts

Open hearts
Which takes me by surprise
Subconsciously, I see Faith arise
To personal preference they start to demise
To all that have been spoken they did not deny

Open hearts
I just stand amaze
At what God is doing in your own lives
Of the biblical truth you did not deprive
And even on little understanding you stand on what is right

Open hearts
I see your persistence
On doing your part in our God-man relationship
In fulfilling your role
As a true follower of Christ

Open hearts
I just don't know what to say
Seeing you being so interested
In something that is (unrightfully) controversial
You're putting aside personal preference
And that's a big step to redemption

Redemption of the times lost
The emotions caused
When you thought you walked out on God
And followed the ways of this earth

Open hearts
I pray that you'll experience what I've experienced
A Heavenly experience I can't fully fathom
To just break down Satan
By believing in the supervention

Open hearts
Revival takes more that one person
More than just God (He can but He wants us to be partakers)
It needs your participation
And your perseverance

Perseverance when no one's open
Or when they look at you one kind
Questioning your doctrine
Belittling your intention


Open hearts
I can just see the many things God's gonna do through you
If you continue to seek His face and know His hands
To understand that you are truly His beloved
Worthy to do be his heir and to do His work


Open hearts
Just continue to stay open
For God does not like us lukewarm
We either get in or get out
Or just totally get run over

Run over as in if we continue to stay on the fence
Compromising for the sake of integration
We kinda compromise on the way God wants to manifest
Sugarcoating and just hindering the true work God wants to bless

Open hearts
Continue to stay open to the things of God
And not of this world
Be cautious of what you let in
For the heart is also where He resides

Open hearts
I'm humbled and blessed to have you as friends
Showing me that God cares and He shares
Good things that He wants His children to experience
Heavenly experiences and all of His promises

Open hearts
Frankly speaking I was afraid to share
Fearing what might people think
But with your persistence and childlike faith
You have erased all of that

Open hearts
Seeing you making sure you heard my whole experience
And the crazy things God is doing in my church
In that mamak stall what I truly saw
Was a "Welcome" sign at your hearts door

A sign that speaks of maturity beyond your years
Welcoming the move of God wanting to hear more
Without a judging or questioning spirit
Of course you have to check it
And not just be led by blind faith

Open hearts
I am truly blessed by you
I pray that God will expand that opened heart of yours
That you may experience the wind that will just rush in and through you
Setting your hearts ablaze with the refiner's fire

Open hearts
I can just go on and on and on
Because I'm just so amaze at your openness
And view on this amazing move of God
Things to you just don't seem to be odd

Open hearts
May you continue to love God with all you have
And to know that you are truly save
I still stand amazed
At the open hearts you have

Open hearts
You know who you are
And I totally love you
Am praying for you
Knowing that in mighty ways
God is gonna totally use you...
peace!

Busy?

It's 2.22 a.m. and I'm still not sleeping
Checking notifications on FB
Doing assignments and checking gmail
All in a days work
Its just that my days work is only starting
like.......now.

I have been really really really busy lately
To the point where I have a heap of clothes unfold
Some still hanging on hangers to dry
Table full of books, things and stuff
That I can't seen to put anything anywhere cos no table spot is in sight

2 days of public holiday has gone in an blink of an eye
Time isn't really on my side these days
And thus, the late late nights

Almost got so overwhelm just now knowing that I'm gonna be attack
As I am physically and mentally tired
This vulnerability has caught the attention of the devil
And it seems to wanna make my heart beat faster
Enter in thoughts and fear of the future
Making everything seem so utterly worthless

Tomorrow and the day after
Classes from 8 to 4
With few breaks in between
So help me God

Assignments and tutorials pile up
I just can't seem to handle it
So busy with CF
Have I forsaken academics?

Talked to my mom on the phone again
Telling her that I won't be sleeping yet again
Assignments up and time is up
By my own strength it shan't be done

As she prayed for me and I for her
I got reminded of how my friend and I prayed together
After an amen your worries miraculously disappears
Because suddenly you look at circumstances through the eyes of God

You suddenly realize although all your life you'd have
It's kinda overrated saying that we should see it from "God's Perspective"
But the truth of the matter is that prayer works
And after praying you see that God is way way bigger than the situation at hand

The heaviness in your heart leaves immediately
And you have confidence in yourself knowing that God will see you through
That because I took care of God's business
He would surely take care of mind

As long as through this busyness
I never loose focus of God
And then is where I realize
That God has been with me all along

So close
So near
So real
That I don't really feel busy after all.......

God knows best...

God's faithfulness

Even as so many things are happening this semester, the good still outweighs the bad and I'm still holding onto God's faithfulness. I shall be reminded of the great things He's been doing in my life. =)

That was first day of my new semester (this sem) and I was dumbfounded and in awe of what God was doing in my life so quickly! The previous night, talking to my mom, I was just so excited and told her I can't wait for what God's gonna do in me and through me this sem, and the next day, the above "open door" happened. Talk about glory speed! God is truly amazing and when I testified about it during our hostel night prayer, one of our friend Jansen (really proud of him), asked for his own open doors as well. Right after prayer, he went to mamak and a not-so-close friend just walked up to him and told him about his life worries and all!!! I was reminded then, about something Bill Johnson said that when a testimony is being testified, the same anointing of the testimony enters the room or place and that is actually what happened right after prayer!!! God is good. So as you read this testimony, may the anointing reach you and may you witness an "open door" as soon as possible! Be blessed for God is moving. Asking God to enlarge my capacity as too many "open doors" are coming my way, too fast and too quick! But that is a good problem ay...... God bless!

Where I am I shall not be Shaken

It hurts when you're being questioned
Asked to "check it", recheck, and check again
Whether you're at the right place
Whether you're being lead astray
Deviated from the truth?

The feeling is so real I would not deny it
Just because friends seemingly know what they see
And advice what they deem
I shall not be shaken
Even though feelings are so real
I feel my hands numb while typing this

Question after question
Attack after attack
To God I must bring this confusion
And not let the devil attack

You try praying
But you don't know where to start
Are what they're saying true?
Am I being taught not the things of the bible?
But the things which are grey?

You try worshiping the Lord
But the truth of the matter is
The feelings and hurts you feel
Are real and there
No point sweeping them under the rug
And saying that "I'm strong" when I'm not

You start to question and wonder
Not God but yourself
Did I hear the Lord wrongly?
Did I make an abrupt change too quick?
Did I present my case to the Lord?
And actually waited for His view on all of this?

It's been more that a year I have asked the Lord
A tad too long ever since I knew I wasn't growing
But the confirmations came
And answer after concrete answer
I knew where I was suppose to go
Deep down I so really know

Checked with Pastors
Talked to different leaders
Had the encouragement of family
But not of many friends

And then this happens
Where because of your decision
Friendships may end in "ruin"

This week has been tough for me
Two days of crazy happenings
And an assignment deadline

Glad I made it through
But after all the busyness
And you actually have time to ponder
You wonder
What in the world is happening?
What is their problem?

When they say the harsh things they say
Are they saying them out of a love?
Or all out to condemn?
Why the crude words and so much questions?
Why question God's anointed one so deep?
Does it even matter or add onto their faith?
When they see themselves worthy to judge?

The truth hurts further when they come from close friends
People you actually love
You think to yourself
"Do they see me so stupid?
That even I wouldn't know whether I'm receiving the right teachings?"
Why do they question my move?
Is it an insecurity in them projected on me?

The love test comes
And you start choosing to love those who hurt you
Whether or not they know they're hurting you

I had to be so sure that I'm doing the right thing
(something quite unnecessary after all the confirmations from wise older ones)
But my surrounding tells another story
And presenting to God my case with tears
I knew I have nothing to fear

As I tried worshiping for it was hard
To wonder what I'm doing is the right thing?
Why my move is affecting so many people
He reminds me to take out a prophecy I received
The written scribbling I was so excited about
In one of the prophetic workshops I attended
(God's word but people still doubt prophets)

Glance through and came to this phrase
This was taken before my courageous move

"I'll do something new and people may not understand or receive.
Persevere because it's from God."
(not the misunderstanding part, but the part where I should move.)

I get confirmed and encouraged all over again
By my Father who makes sure I don't waver
Showing me full proof of His clear direction for me
And I'm not going the wrong way
For this I am sure of

But then again
The critics may continue criticizing
And people may still be wondering
Why I am where I am

It just hurts because you don't know whether the harsh words thrown at you
And all the personal attacks coming from different people indirectly
Are actually genuine concern of where I'm going in my faith
Or just out there to cause dispute against my new found family
Because they move so strong in the Holy Spirit and the Supernatural
Some may say they've entered too grey an area

But deep down I'm so sure and confident of this
The place which God have called me to be in
Shaken this week
But confident now
Knowing that my father God knows what I'm going through
And He WILL see me through
Although it is a painful journey
I look back onto the prophecies spoken over me
Having the full encouragement from my family
(They are wise discerning people you see)
And continue to love my friends no matter what reaction they would bring me
And see how the sequence of some AMAZING events have brought me into a family
Who focuses on pleasing God and God alone
I'm so sure that God wants me to stay where I am
For I'm growing just so much it takes my breath away
I shall not be moved

For God knew this was coming
And He asked me to persevere
Therefore it makes perfect sense to stay
Where I am I shall not be Shaken....

A True Worshipper

Was talking to my mom the other night

Reliving and describing with the best that I can

All that God has been doing in me

And it took hours

Cos the emotions, tone and words conveyed

Just cant seem to mirror exactly 

The magnitude of God's work

In my life right now

It. Is. Indescribable.

Was telling her I had a breakthrough of a past hurt

That there are so many "open doors" beyond me

Asking me to tell them about Christ

Random people taking notice of me

Talking to me

The great experiences I'm having in my new church

The way God is touching CF

Touching the lives of my friends

Giving me favor with men

Extending prayer group

Truly understanding that I'm loved  by my Father

And the prophecy given to me that God wants to bless me in the artistic

Something about my singing and worship...

Jokingly said

(With a tad of pride or self-glorification)

That I can be a worship pastor

She saw right through me

Better than even I see myself

(sometimes it scares me)

Anyways she went on in a very reasoning yet "matter-of-fact" tone

"I think ah, we must always be worshipers ya, like really worship God and have a heart of worship, I think it is important to worship God all the days of your life, that is most important. Whether in front of people or not with a true worshiping heart, to first be a worshiper. Then the next level only think about worship leading ya? If not how to worship lead if you're not a worshiper? Doesn't really make sense right? So I think the key is to just worship the Lord first. Anything after that would be the next level. So first, be a worshiper. Than only a worship leader, if not than it would only be like, like, like...a.. what's that, rock leading, like a performance, and you don't want that to happen ya?"

This is what I can sort of remember although not verbatim

Notice the fact that she didn't even mention about me being a worship pastor

Cos what my mom emphasized on was the heart of a true worshiper

And not the glory or fame that (may) come with worship leading

She threw me back onto the "selfless" road

Where God takes centre stage and not me

Put my perspective back on track to what true worship is all about

And through the whole topic what jumped out at me were the words

"To worship God all the days of my life"

You see my mom is not really musically inclined

Neither is she tone deaf (I think)

But we always joke about the way she sings out of tune or off-key

And wonder where did my sis and I get our musical talents from

Getting involved in worship at a very young age

Seeing how my mom is the way she is

But that night God opened my spiritual knowing of worship

To a whole new different arena

From the mouth of my mom who had no clue about music

We always say it's not about the music

It's not about the lights

It's not about the talented musicians

The guitar riffs, the offbeat drum beats, the solo singing

But the manifest presence of God

And our undivided attention towards Him

As we offer our devotion through worship

But how much of that do we really live out and know?

Hearing my mom say the things she said that night

Humbled me all over again

That its not about standing on stage and looking good in the eyes of man

But worshiping God wholeheartedly 

Satisfying Him as the only One who deserves my adoration

In the privacy of my own room

Where no one else sees

For a girl who loves music
Took lessons,
And can tell when a drum beat is off or whether one's singing in key

To hear her mom musically handicapped and all
Talk about the true meaning of being a worshiper

Made me realize that I have to have my feet on the ground

No matter how high my spiritual journey takes me

To not be proud but humbled by the fact

That God loves me so much that He wants to lavish me with new gifts and talents

Not because of who I am

But because of His love and grace

Father I pray that before anything or whatever I do

Be it leading worship up front

Or singing in my own room

I would know and know in my heart

That I'm not performing to an audience

But singing to an audience of One

To understand the gem of truth

My mother has

-of what worship is truly all about

 to be 

A TRUE WORSHIPER ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

amen.

The Love of a true Father

The Love of a true Father

That is what I felt last night

As he held me in his arms

The pains, the fears, the harsh words thrown at

Evaporated into the air around me

So naturally and easily.

That even right now writing this

I have no questions

Or "after-events" pondering

Of whether it was just a temporal emotion

I have no doubt about the true fact

That my Daddy God loves me.

Took me quite a bit lot to muster up courage

To walk to up to the front

Tell my pastor I needed a father's hug

After lights were soon to be shut

And everyone getting ready, all packed to leave

Thought to myself 

"I'll never forgive myself if I don't deal with this foreign-ness now"

To have arms wrapped around me

Minus the awkwardness and the unnatural feeling of when two bodies collide

You see my pastor felt that there were people who needed a mother's or father's love

To be assured of who they were as their sons and daughters

He willingly and selflessly allowed us to come up to him and his wife in front

To feel that LOVE we may have never felt before

I wanted to go to the "father figure"

Emotions, fear and unworthiness held me back

My legs were shaking I was afraid the short walk up front

Will end up with me collapsing half-way

It ended and I couldn't.

Was feeling so disappointed in myself 

How would I ever be able to have a warm hug with my "unloving" dad

If I can't even hug someone with so much care?

Thanks to friends who were patient and caring

Making sure I have my hug of "healing" before the service ends

I mustered up everything within me

And with legs stills shaking and my heart pounding

I didn't need to say anything

And Pastor just said with a smile on his face

"Now you're finally brave enough to come for a hug"

Words spoken as he held me in his arms

Right at the bulls eye of my childhood's tainted past

Assuring that "I'm a good girl"

And that "I am smart"

Being proud of who I am and who I've become

Giving me more gifts

Blessing me so generously 

Washing away the feelings of being 

Unappreciated

I thank God for this hug

Not the exact, but the closest resemblance

Of the Father's heart of God for me

Insecurities and the feeling of being stupid

Of never being good enough

Or never living up to my earthly dad's standards

Have been trade in.

Erased.

And replaced. 

By the truth which come forth from my Daddy God's heart.

The restoration process is almost complete

For this I know indeed

That last night

I so really, truly felt

The Love of a true Father.

(and I hope that you would feel that love too)