Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Love of a true Father

The Love of a true Father
That is what I felt last night
As he held me in his arms
The pains, the fears, the harsh words thrown at
Evaporated into the air around me
So naturally and easily.

That even right now writing this
I have no questions
Or "after-events" pondering
Of whether it was just a temporal emotion
I have no doubt about the true fact
That my Daddy God loves me.

Took me quite a bit lot to muster up courage
To walk to up to the front
Tell my pastor I needed a father's hug
After lights were soon to be shut
And everyone getting ready, all packed to leave
Thought to myself 
"I'll never forgive myself if I don't deal with this foreign-ness now"
To have arms wrapped around me
Minus the awkwardness and the unnatural feeling of when two bodies collide

You see my pastor felt that there were people who needed a mother's or father's love
To be assured of who they were as their sons and daughters
He willingly and selflessly allowed us to come up to him and his wife in front
To feel that LOVE we may have never felt before

I wanted to go to the "father figure"
Emotions, fear and unworthiness held me back
My legs were shaking I was afraid the short walk up front
Will end up with me collapsing half-way
It ended and I couldn't.

Was feeling so disappointed in myself 
How would I ever be able to have a warm hug with my "unloving" dad
If I can't even hug someone with so much care?
Thanks to friends who were patient and caring
Making sure I have my hug of "healing" before the service ends
I mustered up everything within me
And with legs stills shaking and my heart pounding
I didn't need to say anything
And Pastor just said with a smile on his face
"Now you're finally brave enough to come for a hug"

Words spoken as he held me in his arms
Right at the bulls eye of my childhood's tainted past
Assuring that "I'm a good girl"
And that "I am smart"
Being proud of who I am and who I've become
Giving me more gifts
Blessing me so generously 
Washing away the feelings of being 

I thank God for this hug
Not the exact, but the closest resemblance
Of the Father's heart of God for me
Insecurities and the feeling of being stupid
Of never being good enough
Or never living up to my earthly dad's standards

Have been trade in.
And replaced. 
By the truth which come forth from my Daddy God's heart.

The restoration process is almost complete
For this I know indeed
That last night
I so really, truly felt
The Love of a true Father.

(and I hope that you would feel that love too)

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