Beyond Control

I am all over the place

And feel like a mess

When did this start?

Out of control beyond hopelessness

Driving to town and everywhere

Getting things ready for this and that

Did I prioritize my time wisely?

Now I shall reflect

It started during my "holidays"

But now with the quotation marks I have to wonder

Were my "holidays" ever true holidays

Or was it more free time to be more busy?

It is really hard when we do this tiny bit of details

Obligations from family, friends and church

Amounting to days working on end

Not a 9 to 5 job

But an all and in between one

Thinking we're returning a favor

When the favor truly needed is really some "alone time"

How, why or when did I get myself so busy?

And it is really worth getting this dizzy?

Totally out of my hands beyond control

I sacrificed time with him whose related to me

He was mad and questioned my actions

What was the main point I came back home?

To busy myself all over again?

Aren't I busy enough from college already?

It scares me to know that a new semester is just 2 days away

And into the first week I will be flung full throng

Helping out in major events

Is this really the way I want to live?

Haven't got the time to take a breath

Or even to stop and think about what I have

Is being a help to everyone I know

Really helpful or detrimental?

What I want is to just be in control

Of my life events, schedules and time

We all need a break for even God rested on a Sunday

How did I allow my "Sundays" to get robbed out of my hands?

I don't find my self worth in what I do

But in who I am

God's child. Period.

Flashlight! Head knowledge but not hearted.

I wanna be able to gaze at the skies of pink, purple and blue

(Something I really look forward to every time I come back to KK)

Or just count the stars and see whether the row in 3 is still there

To go see the street kids and help them with all I can

Or to just read a book that I picked out for myself

To sip tea and stare into nothing

To play the guitar and piano, singing my heart out

To spend more time with God without having the days to-do list at the back of my head

To meet up with friends without the "rushing" that comes after

To make cards for the people I wanna appreciate

To talk more with my grandma

And to bring my friend places since she came this far

But all this couldn't happen to full capacity

Being drowned in other peoples worries

I wanna help but I'm also human and I needed a break

That break came and I abused it

I have a part to be blamed

When things are beyond me and chores come before me

I need to learn how to say no

A lesson I've tried learning

But never have mastered

So as this new phase comes in

And as I turn my big 2

I better get in control of my life

And make sure God's by my side

If it takes journaling, planning and heart-wrenching "NO's"

I'll do it as I can

The way it should be done

Dear God please help me be in control

When things come and I wished I could do everything

Help me not get over my head but stay intact

That I may fulfill my duties with the least time possible but at its fullest potential

Break down my perfectionism and my will to please others

Help me say no when I want to say no

Yearning for an escape to a place where its just You and me

While others are benefited I stay bewildered

But if things really do get out of hand and beyond my comprehend

I know You'll be in control

For you know me ever so thorough

Then again why didn't I think that in the first place?

To just let go and let God when things are beyond control.

(even if they're IN- control, I'll still let you take control)