Saturday, April 30, 2011

Beyond Control

I am all over the place
And feel like a mess
When did this start?
Out of control beyond hopelessness

Driving to town and everywhere
Getting things ready for this and that
Did I prioritize my time wisely?
Now I shall reflect

It started during my "holidays"
But now with the quotation marks I have to wonder
Were my "holidays" ever true holidays
Or was it more free time to be more busy?

It is really hard when we do this tiny bit of details
Obligations from family, friends and church
Amounting to days working on end
Not a 9 to 5 job
But an all and in between one
Thinking we're returning a favor
When the favor truly needed is really some "alone time"

How, why or when did I get myself so busy?
And it is really worth getting this dizzy?
Totally out of my hands beyond control
I sacrificed time with him whose related to me

He was mad and questioned my actions
What was the main point I came back home?
To busy myself all over again?
Aren't I busy enough from college already?

It scares me to know that a new semester is just 2 days away
And into the first week I will be flung full throng
Helping out in major events
Is this really the way I want to live?

Haven't got the time to take a breath
Or even to stop and think about what I have
Is being a help to everyone I know
Really helpful or detrimental?

What I want is to just be in control
Of my life events, schedules and time
We all need a break for even God rested on a Sunday
How did I allow my "Sundays" to get robbed out of my hands?

I don't find my self worth in what I do
But in who I am
God's child. Period.
Flashlight! Head knowledge but not hearted.

I wanna be able to gaze at the skies of pink, purple and blue
(Something I really look forward to every time I come back to KK)
Or just count the stars and see whether the row in 3 is still there
To go see the street kids and help them with all I can
Or to just read a book that I picked out for myself

To sip tea and stare into nothing
To play the guitar and piano, singing my heart out
To spend more time with God without having the days to-do list at the back of my head
To meet up with friends without the "rushing" that comes after
To make cards for the people I wanna appreciate
To talk more with my grandma
And to bring my friend places since she came this far

But all this couldn't happen to full capacity
Being drowned in other peoples worries
I wanna help but I'm also human and I needed a break
That break came and I abused it
I have a part to be blamed

When things are beyond me and chores come before me
I need to learn how to say no
A lesson I've tried learning
But never have mastered

So as this new phase comes in
And as I turn my big 2
I better get in control of my life
And make sure God's by my side

If it takes journaling, planning and heart-wrenching "NO's"
I'll do it as I can
The way it should be done

Dear God please help me be in control
When things come and I wished I could do everything
Help me not get over my head but stay intact
That I may fulfill my duties with the least time possible but at its fullest potential
Break down my perfectionism and my will to please others
Help me say no when I want to say no
Yearning for an escape to a place where its just You and me
While others are benefited I stay bewildered
But if things really do get out of hand and beyond my comprehend
I know You'll be in control
For you know me ever so thorough

Then again why didn't I think that in the first place?

To just let go and let God when things are beyond control.
(even if they're IN- control, I'll still let you take control)

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