Thursday, March 31, 2011

Standing on Empty

To stand on empty
I'd rather be a bird and be free
To soar in the sky
With nothing in mind

I feel like I'm standing on this tiny island
2 by 2 feet
Just enough to hold me
The sand so yellow I feel hollow

It's not the first time
It happened after TT
It's happening after Easter
The emptiness after a big event

You work and work, You do and you do
And then it is all over
With a pat on the back and praises abounding
The last thing to expect is the feeling of nothing

I get that a lot
Working so hard to achieve something
And when it is all over and done with
A slight depression enters and nothing

I hate that
The way I feel the way that I feel
I'd rather cry or be enraged with emotions
But I guess sometimes things or in this case emotions don't come as you want

No tears, no anger
No happiness, no joy
Not even the slightest feeling of achievement
Just pure numbness as numb as it can be

You feel so desperate you'd rather any kind of emotion
I try to feel happy but that would be lying
I try to cry but the tears would never start falling
I try to find something, anything within me and all I see is emptiness

We're so used to being busy
That the moment I have free time
I just don't know what to do
And everything seems grey and blue

I have to trust that God will see me through and fast
Cos finals are next week
And to stay in such nothingness will be weak
I have to fight and start making things right

I have to move away from this island I stand
The Island of Empty
And move onto standing on the direct will of God
His Word and who He is

Took a walk but couldn't concentrate
Tried talking to God with no return
Text-ed a friend with no reply
Tried reaching my inner feelings with no avail

But in God I put my trust
And on His solid rock I stand
A step away from the lonely Island
And onto His strong promises for me

To know that He knows what I'm going through
That even though I'm not feeling anything
He still feels for me
And He knows exactly to the very core of what I'm going through

To me I may feel nothing
But He takes this nothingness and turns it into a something
And that will be a wonderful and incredible "something"
Although I haven't a clue whatsoever of anything

I wont stay true to my feelings
For right now I don't feel anything
But I'll stay true to my Faith
For God is my everything

And that is one step of faith away from this Island
And onto what God has in stored
No more standing on empty
For my faith stands on a God that has so much more...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Easter Nite was a great success, not because of anything but because of God. Ok, credits have to be given to the commitee and also to those who helped us in prayer and deeds plus the many churches backing us up. I stand amaze at how God has crafted it all together in the most interesting and mysterious ways. He truly is beyond us and thats just the beauty of it- to not be able to fathom the fullness of Him.

To receive so many praises and all is very satisfying, but I should not get over my head but give it all back to God. However, there are still some negative facts to it and its not very pleasant. Not going to spill it out, but to pray without ceasing we truly must.

The event was a success
And it was truly a beautiful mess
That turned out to be more than whats to be expected
When 36 people gave their lives to God

So what now?
For revival is already at our doorstep
Are we going to continue the work that has been started
Or is it too much to ask for cos we also have academics to muster

Before this event came and through the preparation and course of it
There were so many times I questioned myself (just yet again)
Am I really in the centre of God's will?
Would He approve of what I'm doing for Him?

Are these the right questions?
To say that I'm doing this for Him
Sounds like I'm doing Him a favor
And hoping in turn He'll return me a favor

Questions, doubts and fears creeps in
The questioning becomes more than just pure questioning
It becomes questions that are rather demanding
Wanting something in return because of my "sacrifice"

"I sacrificed my sleep to do devotion"
-"Please help me with my course work"
"I'm spending so much time with the proposal"
-"You gotta give me a pass for my midterm"

When questions starts becoming doubtful and forceful
I have to stop there and then to keep myself in check
Thank God for mothers
Cos I needed mine when I was blind

Blinded to the way I was questioning God
My silent tone which God can only hear
Assuming its ok to question Him so much
That I didn't know I actually crossed the line

To think that all these so called "sacrifices"
Are actually gonna bring me magic in return
To have good grades without putting in the hours
And to think I'll be able to finish my assignment nicely at the last minute

God is not Santa Claus
My mom reminds me all the time
But somehow somewhere I secretly wished He was
Without realizing it

For we have heard of how students get good grades supernaturally
Or how they finish assignments in half the time others use
But I have to stop being mystical
And to start being real

If I wanna serve God like I say I do
I'll have to prioritize and not be too fickle
To not think that what I do is sacrifice
For they come nowhere near the true Sacrifice

To switch the focus off me and towards God
And to not think too highly of myself
But be humble in all things
And to still as a student keep my responsibilities

What is done is done
I didn't give my best this sem in terms of academics
And to face the music I must
Without secretly or fantasizing that it will be suddenly all ok

I have to start working hard
And forget about the "sacrifices"
That are not even sacrifices to begin with
If I did them all with the longing of a wonderful return

I have learnt my lesson
I serve God because I want to
And because I love Him
And through serving Him that is how I show Him
Not because deep down in a dark corner of my heart
I really want something from Him in return
For what is a "sacrifice" when I'm still living comfortably?
The true Sacrifice laid it all for me
Took my shame and and all my pain
And there would be nothing in this world
That I can do to compare with it
Yet I still mutter under my breath
And question Him
Wondering why He isn't helping me in ways
When I have to really look at it from a not-so-childish angle

I pray that He will forgive me
For being so childish and selfish
To think that what I did was "sacrifice"
Having a mindset of Cain
When I should be an Abel
I'm gonna work on my perspective from now on
To stop thinking that being a christian is all sunshine and butterflies
But to start being real and understand that it aint going to be easy

For my dearest Father in Heaven
The least I could do is to be a
(On His terms and not mine)

Father, I need your help on this and I know You'll help me. I love You.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

When God messes things up

Things have not been going on as planned so far
One thing after another
Problem after problem
Directed at us in ways unknown

Why do these happen?
Isn't it too much to handle?
We're only at a college level you know?
How come so many hindrances?

To plan such an event
We will have to work with God hand in hand
For once we take the focus off him and onto the plans
We miss the whole point and without an Anchor we sink

People getting sick,Plans being questioned
Being called a cult
And the so many times it rained during our outdoor prayers
Isn't it all enough?

Yet I see interns taking leaves
People working 'til over midnight
Countless of corresponding emails
And groups praying in the rain

I can't stop but to just think in wonder
Of all these spiritual giants
Young in stature but big in faith
Not allowing the devil to take over

Things may not go as planned
People may pull out the last minute
There will be sleepless nights
And there are already plans of revenge
(In a joking manner, but we've already prayed and asked for forgiveness =))

We may get distracted and deviate from the core purpose of it all
But God is our constant reminder and always brings us back on track

Just look at the prayer meetings
And the committee and all that are involved
Giving their best in all they do
And trusting God in all the rest

I believe just through this Easter project
People have grown in faith by leaps and bounds
Not only in character but most importantly in our faith
Thanking God for even the screw ups

I've learned something from everyone here
Their servants heart
And heart of worships
To make the fullest out of their college years

I am truly blessed
To be surrounded by such wonderful people

The event is 2 days away
And still there are things that are not half way there
But in God we trust
And to believe in revival we must

And through it all
One thing I have learnt
We could come up with the best plan possible
And people will give their best they will
But when God messes things up
It will seem like a total mess
But trust me
It will be beautiful
For He knows His ways even though it may seem illogical
You better believe that there's a bigger plan
And I'm learning every step of the way!

God is good. Out of the box. But good. =)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Being Wanted

I have never felt this wanted before
Not by a person but by so many
Lol, it's not by guys but by many people
Who hold important posts in this college

I guess going to the Leadership camp has opened many doors for me
To emcee in different events and help out in anyway I can
But somehow there's just too many events and too many dates
Too torn in between to miss out on any, I'll hate

But I have committed myself to CF
And there is where my decision lies
But what about the harvest field
If not me then who?

Taking up these posts wont be easy
Going through the interviews wasn't even easy
I didn't plan to go in the first place
Why was I there at the right or wrong time?

They can really talk you into helping them out
Bending their rules for you
Giving you favors
Just so you can help them for that few days

Have this been what I have always been looking for?
To be known, needed and wanted?

Its hard to say for ironically I hate attention
People won't believe it
But seriously I do

Don't know what it is
Is it the way I speak, laugh or present?
Or is it the way I look too young to be my age?
Or is it even my height? (lol)

What I want is to be God's light
To shine not for me but for Him
So that when people see me
They don't see me but God

It's easy to say that
Really easier said then done

I hope my heart is right where it's suppose to be
To be filled with humility even in the midst of this activities
To not be proud cos so many people know me
But look beneath and to see what lies under it all

I have to stop being fickle
And start making important decisions
To prioritize my time
And not leave God behind

I guess being wanted isn't how I thought it will be
I was seriously confused and walked back with a heavy heart
So what if so many people want you to help out
I only have 2 hands and 2 feet

Talked to close friends about it
Saying that I hope I had a twin to help me out
But she answered, "then you'll just have double the problem"
They really opened my perspective on this situation I'm going through

I hate where I am right now
To have to choose between so many
Cos somehow in one way or another
Its not just events but friend ties involved

God, please help me
Show me which to choose
And which to not
To have the courage to just say no
And to not give in and please everyone
But You

But at least people can that I'm a christian
And so far comments have not been negative
If only they can see my heartbeat for God
And what I'm trying to live out

It will really make being wanted all the more worth it...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Jesus Culture Band

Its 3 in the morning
And I just cant sleep
Its not the 4 hour nap I took this afternoon
But this new cd that I'm hearing

Jesus Culture Band
Taking worship to a whole new level
Not letting time limit them
Nor allowing cool riffs to distract us

The simplicity and sincerity in their music
The way they sing the songs they sing
And play the songs they play
It's just freaking awesome!!

Wanted to take a walk
Just to spend some time with God
But then it started raining
And I bet that He wants me staying in

To continue to listen to the songs
That literally gives me goosebumps
Ushering me into His holy presence
To not try but to simply flow

"Love Never Fails"
The cd goes back to song 1
And my tears starts coming
Without any warning

Read a book before this happened
While listening to this cd my friend burned for me
The songs were so intense
I had to either quit reading or unplug my earphones

Is it possible?
For people to be able?
To bring heaven down?
And make His presence known?
Making His love real?
His grace felt?
Feeling Him like He's right there in the room?

It's just crazy how God works sometimes
To touch you through a cd given by a friend
Or to come across another friend's blog featuring the soundtrack
(I first came to know this band through a friend's blog)
Or to hear it in a friends car all by coincidence

It's not Hillsongs you see
We hear them everywhere
But its another worship team
Subtle and not under the lime light

Their songs are so strong that they compelled me
To turn on my broadband all over again
And to just take this post now
To blog at 3 am for the glory of our Lord

Woke my roommate up
But just couldn't stop singing to the song playing in my earphones
I was being as soft as I can
But when the spirit comes it comes and it is unstoppable

This band is truly "one of a kind"
For who dare say that they will live a "Jesus Culture"
Its a lot to live up to
But with hearts abandoned they are willing

No fancy names nor fancy clothes
Just pure hearts of worship
They're not only gifted and talented
I believe they were appointed

Just like Hillsongs and Planet Shakers
To usher people into the Holy of Holies
Where we can meet our God face to face
Just caught up in the embrace of His holiness

I wish their cds were sold here
Too bad they're arent
Can someone please help get them a license?
(lol, just joking! but there must be a reason why they're not sold here)

Go hear them out!
They're really good
Not cos of their strong vocals
Or good guitar skills
Neither cos of the cool drum beats
Nor the catchy tunes

Ok, all this come into consideration

But its the honesty of their lyrics
The sincerity in the way they sing
Their hearts cry to not relent until God touches them
To fill them with a love that never fails
To tell God how beautiful He is
To be daring to say
"Where You go I will go"
"What You say I say"
"What You pray I pray"
Truly following a "Jesus Culture"

They are not distracting
But points us to Christ
I think they have helped me with my worship
Sometimes you just dont have the words
But they have helped me say some things I never thought before
Through their songs
They're just being real

We should adopt a "Jesus Culture" as well
Saying "Here is my heart, You can have it all"

For isn't that what true Christian living is all about?


Checked my results
They were better than expected
Glad I could maintain my CGPA
To God be the glory
For I do it all for His name

But so what if I did well?
Would I not praise Him if I did less than average?
Does my results really define the person I am?
Or is it just a stat that will be forgone the next sem?

We all say that its ok
Just do your best
And leave the rest

But I do believe that our marks and results
Do define or maybe show and reveal a part of us
Some way or some how of some sort

Like obesity.
It is the result of gluttony and over-eating.

Big Mansions.
The result of hard earned cash whether dirty or not.

Our Spirituality.
The result of time carved out to spend time with God.

So results do show a little of who we are
Whether we have put in enough hours into our studies
Whether we paid attention in lectures
Whether we took down enough notes
Or do tutorials to say the least

But there would never be a definite answer
For some students spend hours studying
But not getting the results they want or even passing
While others party away and do last minute reading
Yet they score really well or way above average

So does an A1 = A Genius?
A 100% = Someone Perfect?
Or a C- = A Retard?
And a 0% = Someone Stupid?


People cant be judged based on numbers or alphabets
They have to be known
To be heard
To be seen through the eyes of God

So don't tell me you're stupid just because you didn't too well in your exams
Or that I'm smart cos I did ok

We're all the same one way or another
And God didn't make mistakes when He created us
I bet you are better in stuff that others are not
So just leave it to God and live your life to the fullest

Besides we have more important things to do
Than cry and get depressed over poor results

Lives are at stakes
There are fishes everywhere
And we are called to be fishermen

I'd rather concentrate on the result of my faith
True outward righteous living
From the inside of a vulnerable heart
Where studies are focused on the Word
And listening to the greatest Teacher of all
In the form of seeing miracles
And just living in the centre of His will, grace and mercy

Results of tests and exams
Are only earthly standards
But I want to live up to my Father's standards
And that to me is the result that truly matters...