Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sing your song

We tend to compare ourselves with others these days
Never feeling confident about ourselves
We base who we are on what is seen on TV, internet and magazines
Having the need to be a certain weight or height
To truly feel a self-fulfillment

Trying to do things that are beyond us
To actually find our self-worth
Playing the same game no one never played
-If only I was smarter, taller or slimmer
More confident, prettier or musically inclined
The list goes on
And no one is exempted

We compare ourselves with celebrities, siblings and friends
How can he be so funny?
Why can she sing so well?
I wish I had those brains
Are people that good looking even for real?

Focusing on all the wrong  places
Instead of what matters most

We were all wonderfully and fearfully made
Unique in our own different ways
Yet we tend to turn a blind eye on the beauty in ourselves
Painting a hideous picture of what we see in the mirror
Thinking that we could be better

My mom just told me
About singing my own song
Never allowing me to compare myself with others
For I have my journey crafted out for me
No point walking in the path of someone else

God gave me a song
And its my duty to sing it
To sing it well with all my heart
And to never doubt who I am
And all that's within me

No point comparing songs with anyone else
For God's got it written especially for me
And He wrote one especially for you
Sing it well with all your might
And know that the Author of your song is always right

We may get out of key or even out of tune at some point
But who cares because this is your song
And without failures how would we ever learn?
Besides you're singing for Him and no one else
And to Him you'll sound ever so beautiful

Without tuning ourselves to the One who has perfect pitch
We will totally get it all wrong
But once we let go and not try to hard
As the breathing steadies and rhythm takes place
Take courage and sing that one written song specifically for you

He hears you sing
And He'll sing it with you
After all He wrote the song
According to who you truly are
His child

So the next time you start whining and thinking
Why others have it all together
Way better than you
The self esteem and self confidence all gone
And you forget the purpose you live for

Remember that you have your own song to sing
A song so beautiful it'll take His breath away
They have their song to sing too so just leave it to them
And know that you can do it, so just

Sing your song!

You are not alone

So many things have been happening lately
Caught up in my own emotions
Seeing others get caught up in theirs
Making me feel all the more worry

It's not easy neither is it good
To be going through the same vicious cycle
Over and over again
With no form of breakthrough or escape

The feeling? - HOPELESSNESS.

We feel we're not good enough
Or even good for nothing
Doubting our true value
Priceless in God's eyes

We ask why
We ask how
Why does this happen to me?
How did it even start?

Whether you feel depressed
Or all alone
Sick of yourself
Needing someone to hold

Know that you're not alone
For there are so many people going through the same thing
The same emotions and the same feelings
Having the same wants and needs

Do not let your present sadness hinder you from future happiness

For as we fight the feelings that we feel
And push through the heartache and depression
We will be able to see the light or that silver lining
And that eternal happiness?
Nothing comes near

Talk to God
Casting all your care upon him;
for he careth for you
(1 Peter 5:7)

There is a light at the end of this tunnel
And as you crawl through what seems to be of no escape
Know that you're not alone for there are people around you
And most of all there's a God who adores you

That tunnel may give you scraped knees
And a backache
The feeling of being lost
In a scary maze

You may not see the light just yet
But in due time, in His time
You'll find your way out
And look back onto what seems like a priceless journey

It is a part of life
Don't shorten it "just because"
Live your life to the fullest
By not being the finisher of it


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Going to church and seeing the children sing for their moms
How the youth appreciated their mothers effort
How the husbands prayed for their wives
And how each mom teared up as their children gave them hugs
Really made me miss my mom all the more

My mom is really super woman
Juggling work, home and ministry
Training my maid to be a good cook
And always keeping the best interest of me and my sis

As the pastor today shared about the great things and attributes about his mom
I can't stop but think of how my mom have helped me through my darkest moments
She never gave up on me when even I gave up on myself
And always hold me closed letting me know that God is still in control

My thoughts brought me down memory lane and I started to remember of

The time she celebrated with me 
When I finished my Grade 8 ballet with an unexpected distinction
The shuffling to ballet classes for about 10 years paid off
Taking time off work just to make sure I attend my lessons
So many times I cried and wanted to give up
She never allowed it
And now I am grateful

The time when she would lie with me on my bed
When I was going through depression
The feeling of not being able to sleep
And the frustration of seeing a glimpse of that 5 am sunlight
Warning me that I wasted a whole night and the new day would feel hazy
Yet she still laid there beside me
Loosing her sleep ever so willingly

The time when she cried with me
When I lost half my life's savings to a friend I thought was "dear"
We aren't very rich and I needed that money for college
She was more heartbroken than I for she said it was my carefully saved "ang pau's"
Yet she asked me to forgive
And told me with God money should not be an issue

Or zooming way back into time when I wasn't even born yet
When she prayed and prayed for a dear little baby
Someone she can call her own little child
Her prayers paid off and after 9 years
I was born

Or how she could build up the courage to walk away from "bondage"
During the phase my sister was born
To leave a life of security and companionship
With a newborn in hand and our futures at stake
It wasn't easy and 'till now 
I don't know how she did it

Or how she was bold enough to bring my sis and I all the way to Alor Star
A mother with 2 young daughters
A new home, a new job and new schools
It wasn't easy and there was a lot of quarreling
As I was entering my teens
But then is when we really bloom
Where my sister learnt the bass
And I learnt to worship lead
A whole book can be written on that 5 special years
And my mom plays the part as 2nd lead
Allowing God to take the main role

I can go on and on and on
But blogpost are not pages so we have to stop somewhere

My mom is very special
Hard to describe because she doesn't like attention
Even going back during the sem break
One of her close friends told me and deb that we should help her out
Cos all she does is work and work ever so selflessly
And she just seem to be living for the sake of me, deb and God

She's weird in a way 
Because when other mom's ask their children to do well in studies
She always asks us to do better in ministries
(that's why though the limited finance, 
she never stingy on paying for lessons because she believes its a tool for serving God)
And every time I call home telling that I may not be able to maintain my CGPA
As long as I don't cut out my time with God everything would be ok

She's more excited than me for our prayer group
And I tell her every single detail that happens there
Because I do need the covering
And the many prayers she gives me
She tells me to never give up
And make sure I'm always in the centre of God's will
And told me that prayer group is there not because of me but because of God
And to know that God wants it there even more than any of us

I truly thank God for her
For no other mom could fit me better than her
She's the greatest mom in the world
Because she's my mom and God gave her to me
God gave me a gift
Which gave me the gift of life
For without her I wouldn't be drafting this post
And being in awe of how God crafts things out

If you're reading this I hope you will be blessed
To know how much you've blessed me
And to know how much you mean to me
Besides God you are my world
And as I breathe from day to day
I'll never forget this gift of life you gave me
Never giving up on me and deb
And always holding onto the promises of God
You've been through storms and crashing seas
Yet you rise above them with what seems like ease
Never letting words or actions hurled at you
Hinder your faith and relationship with God
Because of you
I am who I am today
And my faith is where it is today
Because I model after the greatest role model ever
On behalf on deb and myself
I would like to thank you
For putting up with our tempers and tantrums
And for making sure we're deeply rooted in God's word
What did we do to deserve a mom like you
Only God knows and I'm truly grateful
And I love you!

Saturday, May 7, 2011


I've been waiting my whole life
For this one special moment I got
Just to be with you

You're my Shooting Star

Followed the advice of a friend to sit down and have quiet time on my own. To ponder and reflect on all the happenings of the past week. Things were over my head and out of hand and I needed the support. Glad that I decided against the urge to go out with friends and to just sleep in until 1 o'clock. Caught up with a friend by phone and shared everything. Like always, she gave me good advice.

As I sat by the curb on a quiet spot to talk to God and thank Him for everything. Gazing into the skies, I also pondered and reflected on the indescribable things that happened this past week. God definitely allowed it but now I want to know whether He was happy with how I responded. The answer came. " You are my shooting star, but everlasting". God was proud of me and everything fell into place. I love who I am not because of me but because I belong to Him. A child of God. Because He is the biggest part of my life, I slowly begin to realize that everything whether good or bad happens for a reason and God allows it. We may not or never  understand but that's the beauty of it. I can't seem to fathom shooting stars, and the feeling of excitement and exhilaration that comes after it. 

So what causes a shooting star? It happens when tiny bits of dust and rocks called meteoroids falls into the earth's atmosphere and  burns up. Too me, shooting stars depicts who we are in Christ. In our darkest moments we fall down, and then is when God appears and shines His light in us and through us. Dust and rocks are "happenings" beyond us we can't seem to understand. Yet when we allow God to interfere and use us, we burn and brighten up because of His work in us and His cleansing fire, turning into these beautiful streaks of light which people wait hours upon to see a glimpse of them. The difference however is that though real meteoroids or shooting stars are short-lived only happening only about 1 to 2 seconds, we're not. And if we get things done right, we'll have all of eternity to spend with our Father. 

I want to be God's shooting star and continue to shine for Him wherever I go. That when people see me they will stand amaze at the Creator. Because being His shooting star, I go against science and don't just shine for the moment but into everlasting. And my response to God when He told me this? "God, You are my shooting star, only everlasting" I love the creator of shooting stars soo much!!!

Did God Really Come?

On the night of 3rd May, I was really really tired. Took a nap and slept straight away. Awaken by my alarm to the time that showed 10.15. "Could I skip prayer? How did Xp and the rest do it" I thought to myself. To go for prayer every week night for a year. 

Went to our prayer spot and no one was there. Someone came and I was truly encouraged, but left his bible and said he'll be back. He was gone for about 15 minutes. Leaving me there with questions and loneliness. "Would the rest be coming? Why are they late? I bet they're not as tired as me so they have no excuse. Do they even want to come for prayer anymore? Or should I stop the meetings so we can spend more time with the harvest?" My flesh came in and nonsense followed. Paced around praying to God. "God, if you want me to stop prayer group then please tell me." Seriously, I think it was me who wanted to stop it, directing the question to God to feel more substantiated. Heard the word "stop" which stopped me in my tracks. Listened closely again and heard the words "don't stop prayer group" 2 times. Wasn't very convinced with the direction prayer group was going, didn't feel the commitment from myself and others. Above all, I felt loneliness. (No kidding)

Eventually they came and it was already real late, almost 11. Tried to put on a smile and make prayer meeting happen. 2 new girls came, freshmen full of life. Ever so grateful to the one who brought them. One new girl even brought down her torchlight, finally we could see each other and flip our bibles more easily. Accidentally asked them to turn to Matthew 28 when it was suppose to be Matthew 10. Corrected myself and talked about the harvest being plentiful but harvesters few. Asked a girl who was going through persecution to sit in the centre of our circle so we could pray for her. What happened next no one would expect.

As we laid our hands on her and prayed, someone saw Jesus sitting beside her, telling her everything would be ok. After some time, the girl being prayed for started speaking in a different tongue and her voice was somewhat like thunder and lightning but also of a loving grandfather. It was authoritative yet loving at the same time. Truly hard to describe. The voice called us "My children" and told us many things like "I am here and the end times is near". A lot more that are more personal but nevertheless it touched most of us. I cried, the others cried and even a guy cried. That was how powerful and overwhelming the whole experience felt. The guy playing the guitar started to strum in a way he had never strum before and his fingers pressing the chords did not feel any pain. It was like the Holy Spirit took over. Recalling these still makes my heart beat faster. Some of us felt static in the hand that was touching her. The voice was so loud and powerful people from the canteen came out to see. The whole experience was truly indescribable.

When the encounter ended, all I could do was put my hands to my head and say "What just happened?" Even the guy next to me was so overwhelmed he leaned down with his guitar. I asked the group how they felt. Besides some being speechless or even with no reaction due to skepticism I think, most of them said they have never had an encounter like this before. It was scary yet we didn't want it to end. Though it was 1 plus, we talked and talked and shared our feelings. It was all good. Society Day was on the next day so some of them left, but some couldn't sleep. Discussed the whole experience with 2 of the core people. We all felt doubt creep in during the encounter but rebuked it immediately for we didn't wanna miss out on anything. One girl even said that during prayer in her heart she prayed that she could see, feel and hear God. God came before us, literally, so near. 3 of us didn't want to got to bed. The presence was still there, we didn't want the feeling to end.

Clear conscience came in the next day. Was it really God that came? Or was it another? If it was really Him, why the change of voice and some questionable content. But it didn't stop us from sharing the encounter with people. Despite the doubt, we just couldn't keep out mouths shut. I guess that happens when something unheard off has happened right before your eyes. I bet not a lot of people can say they have had such an encounter.

Whether God really came or not is still something we have to find out. But whatever happened I thank God for it, for He must have found us fit to allow it. To know that we could handle it whether good or bad and to trust that we would use this as a learning tool. I stand in awe with the way things are going and how God is leading. The 2 freshies were so excited about the encounter they asked whether this happened every night. Truthfully, no. It was our first. But they said they were definitely coming again to continue to pray with us and intercede for our college. So there is something good that come out of it. The girl was blessed, these freshies were excited, and the older ones were comforted. We were all speechless.

Most importantly. God answered my prayer. The hostel prayer group MUST go on. And to go on it shall.

Feeling the Fulfillment

Finally got my hands on a keyboard whose desktop's internet connection is consistent. After this wacky, crazy, hectic weekend.... I feel fulfilled. Don't know why, don't know how, but I believe it's God.

Non stop on holiday
Non stop back in college
Life was a whirlwind
How I survived I still stand amaze

MC-ing for 3 major college events
In one week, it is super lethargic
And whatever happened in our prayer group
Takes more of our sleep and energy away

Been grumbling in my mind quite a few times
Why did I promise to MC so many events?
I could have stayed home a week longer
And spend time with my family or watch TV together

Slept at 2 and 4 am for a few nights
How I survived the next day I'll never know how
Felt worried and anxiety the night before mass call
What if I failed an MC I could recall

Did my job as best as I could
Received comments bad and good
The bad overpowered the good
Sucking the life out of me
Making me feel not really me

Continued to lead prayer meeting despite feeling so tired
Pulled myself off the bed
Dragged myself to the prayer spot
And sat there when no one was punctual
I felt lonely with no direction

Some indescribable things happen
Controversial in fact
Free thinkers even came
Questioning my bible knowledge

Despite all these happenings
And all the wondering's
Whether the life I am living
Really is worth the things I was doing

To MC all the events that were beyond my capacity
And to lead prayer when members wasn't committing
(or at least I felt)
And to do so many things
I thought of neglecting

Well the check list and to do list
Are all done and have passed
And seriously surprisingly
I really feel fulfilled

God knew I could handle it
That is why He allowed it
And I'm glad He did

The MC-ing to gain a platform
To be known in college and to share the gospel
The prayer leading
To be tested and to learn the ways of God and how He works

This past week was tiring
But it was truly fulfilling

You be God's servant
And just do what is given
Faithfully and obediently
Give it all you got
And leave the rest to Him
The reward of partnering with Him?
The Feeling of Fulfillment.

My Freshmen Year

Seeing so many freshmen come into hostel and college
Brings back memories of how I was just like anyone of them
Clueless, excited, curious and expectant for a new life
To start afresh and anew where (maybe) no one have known you before
And things of the past whether dark or light can be hidden by a personal chance

I came not knowing what to expect
Just knew that there would be no more uniforms!
(dreaded that in the beginning, but enjoying the advantage now)
And that classes wouldn't be as hectic as high school or even primary

There were doubts and fears
Would I make any friends?
Would I be accepted?
Would I do well in my studies?
Would I be able to hand wash my own clothes?
Keep my room tidy?
Be punctual for classes?
Get lost in this huge campus?
Manage my finance?
Fall into peer pressure ?
Like how my friend clubbed the first few months of her college year
(some of which I couldn't keep, besides the clubbing)

There were so many mix emotions
But I think the greatest one was wondering whether my roommate was a Christian
And if not, would she allow me to tear off that 3 charms by the door
Cos I know I'm fully protected nothing else needed
I couldn't eat or think straight the day I was gonna enter hostel
How am I gonna play my guitar and sing to the Lord?
Or even have my quiet time without being watched?

She came in a week later.
My worries were in vain.

She wasn't a Christian but still allowed me to tear them off
Thank God!

Met a bunch of Indians
Fell in love with who they were
And their different backgrounds
Spent almost every night in the canteen hanging out with them
I guess if I stayed in my room the whole time
The fear of loneliness will creep in beside me
But I'm one year wiser now
And I don't do that anymore

Auditioned for TalentTime Night
Just for the stamp to get my free ticket
Ended up in the finals
And unexpectedly received the title
(that in itself is a story to tell, click here)

Went for classes and got a bit of a culture shock
Not only of its different system but of the environment
 Some people in my class I thought weird
But now I truly cherish and admire
In the beginning we were't bonding
Got some of us worried
But now we're slowly connecting

Went to Melaka for a photo shoot
Ipoh for a Hillsong conference!
Both with amazing people
And filled with unforgettable moments
Would never know how I ended up in these places
Crazy how life can get as easy as it shows

Got lost in college quite a few times
Still got lost this year
Confirms the absence of my sense of direction

My Freshmen year 
Not that easy to sum it all here
But it was seriously a roller coaster ride
With God controlling the operating computers
He knew when to hyped things up when I was feeling homesick
Or slowed things down when I couldn't hold a grip
To get me prepared on the verge of a hill
Or hold me intact on a vertical loop
To be by my side when I though I could die
And to give me the feeling of exhilaration and excitement
Besides this crazy ride with overwhelming moments
By God's grace
I managed to finish a full circuit
Fulfilled. Proud. Grateful.

I came with the intention of keeping things simple
Didn't plan to serve in CF or any societies whatsoever
Thought that life before was way too hectic 
  Wanted to "rest"and stay undercover
Things went exactly the opposite
Way more than whatever I expected
Shows how God has better plans and a higher purpose
I don't wanna be a Jonah.

I'm a senior now
And a year wiser
I wanna lookout for the freshmen
Just like how my Father in Heaven looked over me
That way they can see His love
And one day accept him

For whether its my freshmen or senior year
The end time is near
And I have to do something

Live everyday to its fullest and never regret a moment
Accept the praises by giving God the glory
Thanking Him for this pleasant life I live
And keeping Him in mind all of the time
For everything happens for a reason
A lesson I truly learnt
In my freshmen year
(The best year of my life so far)