Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Everyday Miracles- Making it a norm

Miracles, signs and wonders have been happening so frequently in the past 3 days that I have to constantly digest all that is happening. God is good. Making short and long legs grow even, giving height to those who wants more (thinking they're too short) , healing my ulcer (yes, He not only heals cancer but even small things like ulcers), taking away headaches, pains and tummy aches. The latest and most incredible was of a girlfriend who had her right eye blind. Even she herself wasn't sure of why her right eye started deteriorating when she was 15 and became completely blind in one eye. Having about 4 to 5 surgeries in a period of about 4 years, with each surgery amounting to about 10 to 20K, it was crazy. The emotional, physical, psychological and relational pain she and her family had to go through. But I saw God put a stop to it, and opened that right blinded eye, right before my very eye. The girls were in tears. The guys and all were overwhelmed. For I believe it was the first time for every person there, to have witnessed how great a miracle. 

She started crying and gazing, saying that she can see clearly. That gush of excitement and adrenaline rushing, can't help us comprehend what we just saw. Is it true that she can really see? Or is she being pressured to say that cos we were so many. I regretted that I doubted in my heart when we were praying, "Can You really open her eye? I know You can, but maybe not tonight? Silly me, O little of Faith!!! I was being so naive and being very rude and undeserving, doubting the hand of God, the creator of the Universe, the One who created the human body including the eye!

My friend did a few test on her, to see how much in percentage was her healing. At first she saw blur colors and shadows of people. Being able to see an outline of her surrounding, something she couldn't do before. (That's why she avoided sitting at the left of people just in case she didn't know they were even there in the first place.) But that night, she could vaguely make out those at her right. But it still gets better. We continue to pray as she could only make out shadows and outlines, for clearer vision, she needed to be able to read out words with the use of her right eye. We prayed and prayed, and after perseverance, worshiping God with a guitar, she made out the words of a shirt wore by a friend on her right "Miracle under the Azzuro Moon", our prom night's theme, sounded sweeter than it really was, spoken by a person who couldn't even make out the letters before. We started screaming, crying, some literally wailing, while I just fell to my knees to touch the tar road to know that all this was really happening. We were all truly overwhelmed with God's miraculous healing power.

We praised God and thanked Him. We believe this is just the start of a season of overflowing with miracles and signs and wonders. The big and small, the significant and insignificant. All that matters to God. I pray that as this miracle happens to a girl who has known God, strengthens her faith and the faith of the witnesses, more miracles such as this should happen upon pre-believers as well to show how real and loving our Father God is.

As for me, I shall doubt no more and have a renewal of the mind, having an expectancy for more of such happenings to arise. To believe that God won't stop this healing movement but escalate it faster and swifter and more rampantly. To start getting used to it. Cos isn't that what His word is all about? To bring Heaven on earth and to see everyday miracles become an interesting norm?

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me 
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Luke 4:18-19

PS: Sorry for the bad recording, it was our first time. :) It would get better in the next miracle healing, so do stay updated! Love y'all!

Subtle and Special Reminders

Its really crazy how things are happening these days
Nights on average with about 3 to 5 hours of sleep
Passing up assignments at 4.49 when its due at 5
Running countless of trips to and fro in a huge college-not fun
And having assignments being passed up later than the deadline

However, God has proven His grace and mercy over and over again
The favor given was never seen so great
Teacher who swears they'll never postpone deadlines, postponed them
Lecturer not present at her table during the deadline
Giving us space, making time ample

This one time I felt so alone
Cos we did the ultimatum by reshuffling the whole class
Groups where people didn't hate each other but wasn't fond of each other
Forced to do assignments together
Talk about the culture clashes, background mixes and communication lapse

It was the bright idea of a class rep and her assistant
To mix the students around to avoid being too clicky
Cliques broken for just one sem
To foster more friendships were our attempt
Little did we know that in people's hearts, they weren't content

But I don't regret
Because I still survived this sem
The hardest sem just yet
But I have a feeling I'll say that for every next sem
Cos it just gets more challenging as every year gets

1 subject on the Malaysian Constitution
Another on our Mass Media
Journalism 2, where deadlines are deadlines
And the tutor treating us like "real" journalists
Wanting genuine prominent interviews with "unreasonable" deadlines
(I doubt its unreasonable deadlines but some famous people just make things more difficult)

Toughest subjects just yet
And we were 'smart' enough to reshuffle
Making the lone riders the need to hustle
Giving us lessons to learn
And bringing out in teammates, their true colors

This one time I was rushing this particular assignment
Doing almost everything all by myself
Worried of the content, the Harvard referencing
Is my analyzation critical enough
Meeting the standard of higher education?

Through the running from CITC to class and back again
With my legs so tired but forced to carry me
A "not-so-close-friend" bumps into me
Saying "You haven't told me about your angels stories!"
A "we'll sit down one time and I'll share with you" comes from me

And then for that split moment as we rushed to our different destinations
She going off somewhere while I to class
With the adrenaline of rushing accompanying my
Something within gently reminds me
"Don't forget your glory encounters, and know that I am here"

A subtle, gentle yet special reminder
Coming from a friend whose curious of the Supernatural
Someone I meet less than 3 times a month
Reminding me that I have special encounters to share
And being adamant that until she hears them than only its fair

Or the way the skies were beholding the stars
Like a blackboard cleanly erased
Making the next few strokes of a chalk not vague
So many stars, so bright and beautiful
Gently reminding me again of my wonderful Creator

This special reminders means so much to me
That God comes through the strong sounds of rushing winds
But also through a still small voice that no one else can hear
If only we're quiet enough, to stop and breath
From the busy life we live than only can we see

The greatness of our God
The wonder of taking pleasure in all of His beauty
The stars, the trees, my college and friends
The sense of the urgency of a 'deadly' deadline
With a subtle and special reminder that God is still in control

I realize that although I want Him always on my mind
Busyness may subconsciously rob Him away
But nothing is too hard for Him
And with ease He just eases back into my thoughts
With the Subtle and Special Reminders He gives....

Monday, November 28, 2011

Life is Beautiful

Something I got out of my devotion today..... *cheers!

Monday, November 14, 2011

One Thing Remains

As I'm tossed and thrown into the sea of assignments, tutorials and unreasonable deadlines, I know that His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. No matter how hard I try to outrun myself in finishing my work on time, regretfully pushing God's time aside, I will never ever outrun His love for me. His grace, love and mercy is sufficient for me. No matter how tired, confused, stressed and messed up I am in the whirlwind of my college life right now, ONE THING REMAINS, my love for Him would never fail as well.....I feel like I'm falling in love with my Jesus more and more and more and more each day!

Verse 1:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing... Remains (repeat)

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me (3x)

Verse 2:
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death, In life, I'm confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there's nothing that can
separate my heart from Your great love

PS: Got suddenly reminded of this song when I was surfing the internet in Singapore, wanted to feel God even when I was far from home(hostel) and the words 'Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me" came and I "googled" it (because I have a vague memory of hearing this song in church once) and the moment I heard it,  I was just overwhelmed with His presence that it brought me goosebumps and tears! Now in my room as I'm finishing up on my tutorial (gotta stop the procrastination) , and hearing the birds start to chirp to the rise of a new day, no fear has come, only contentment, knowing that as a new day dawns, His love for me is no less  still the same.... and the renewal of mind that comes with it just makes me feel His love for me increases every single day. I just love this song that speaks of a simple yet frequently forgotten or unearthed truth....

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Deep words

Deep words I still have to digest but will cherish.... God is just blessing every aspect of my life. I guess when we take a step towards Him, He seriously takes 10 steps towards us, and messes up our whole life in a very interesting and peculiar way. I stand in awe of what my God is doing in my life. May you experience the same! Cheers!

It was all Me

Even as I continue to soar so fast and high in my (long and interesting) spiritual journey with God, it is really really easy to take an accidental, subconscious step of pride and just fall off the cliff into my own self-destruction if I think all these crazy, heavenly (yep! I went to heaven), divine happenings happened because of.....ME.

You see, I have been true a really dry season in the last semester, seeking God and wanting a touch from Him, although He showed up in the most peculiar ways I wanted to hear directly from Him, to know Him and see Him. Little did I know that you really have to be careful with what you ask for because He is just blowing my mind with what He's doing in my life right now. Open doors everywhere (strangers, random people), friends that I have been praying for asking me about God, classmates being more aware of CF (even if it's cos there are "cute guys" from the photos), people from elsewhere attending our CF, 3rd Heaven experiences, dreams, bible insights, divine answers, favor with God and men and so much more.

If I think that all these are coming at me because of my works or effort, the way I pray every night in our hostel prayer group, how I fasted, the way I'm reading more of the bible or how I'm being such a good child of God obeying His commandments I am totally WRONG. God allows me to experience His greatness because of Him and not me.

It is something I have been learning in my church, that spiritual gifts, promises, financial blessings, life in abundance is given to us not because we're good enough (base on what we do for Him) but what He wants to give us just because HE IS LOVE.

I can fall very easily into pride thinking that my self-effort has brought me to where I am today, smack right in the bulls-eye of God's promises and blessings for me. But God knows best and even before I can bask in my self-righteous glory, he led me to this through my devotion time.

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

To not dampened the effect and truth which jumped out at me, I'll just copy the whole thing from my devotion.

"....we all want credit for the stuff we do. And God is the same way. When he does something great, he wants us to know that it was him- all him. ...Through Jesus death, we were brought to life. Our sinful hearts were transformed into hearts that desire him. We were made pure, holy and blameless in his sight. And we had absolutely nothing to do with it...it's all him. Knowing that we have such an amazing gift-salvation- it's tempting to think that we were somewhat responsible. We want to think that because we did something good, God rewarded us. But God says, "No way. You've got nothing to brag about....it was all me." It's only through God's grace that we're saved. Take time today to thank him for his grace and for your salvation that's not dependent on who you are or what you've done- only on who he is and what he's done."

I don't have to explain anymore, you get the picture. =)

Open Hearts

Open hearts
Which takes me by surprise
Subconsciously, I see Faith arise
To personal preference they start to demise
To all that have been spoken they did not deny

Open hearts
I just stand amaze
At what God is doing in your own lives
Of the biblical truth you did not deprive
And even on little understanding you stand on what is right

Open hearts
I see your persistence
On doing your part in our God-man relationship
In fulfilling your role
As a true follower of Christ

Open hearts
I just don't know what to say
Seeing you being so interested
In something that is (unrightfully) controversial
You're putting aside personal preference
And that's a big step to redemption

Redemption of the times lost
The emotions caused
When you thought you walked out on God
And followed the ways of this earth

Open hearts
I pray that you'll experience what I've experienced
A Heavenly experience I can't fully fathom
To just break down Satan
By believing in the supervention

Open hearts
Revival takes more that one person
More than just God (He can but He wants us to be partakers)
It needs your participation
And your perseverance

Perseverance when no one's open
Or when they look at you one kind
Questioning your doctrine
Belittling your intention

Open hearts
I can just see the many things God's gonna do through you
If you continue to seek His face and know His hands
To understand that you are truly His beloved
Worthy to do be his heir and to do His work

Open hearts
Just continue to stay open
For God does not like us lukewarm
We either get in or get out
Or just totally get run over

Run over as in if we continue to stay on the fence
Compromising for the sake of integration
We kinda compromise on the way God wants to manifest
Sugarcoating and just hindering the true work God wants to bless

Open hearts
Continue to stay open to the things of God
And not of this world
Be cautious of what you let in
For the heart is also where He resides

Open hearts
I'm humbled and blessed to have you as friends
Showing me that God cares and He shares
Good things that He wants His children to experience
Heavenly experiences and all of His promises

Open hearts
Frankly speaking I was afraid to share
Fearing what might people think
But with your persistence and childlike faith
You have erased all of that

Open hearts
Seeing you making sure you heard my whole experience
And the crazy things God is doing in my church
In that mamak stall what I truly saw
Was a "Welcome" sign at your hearts door

A sign that speaks of maturity beyond your years
Welcoming the move of God wanting to hear more
Without a judging or questioning spirit
Of course you have to check it
And not just be led by blind faith

Open hearts
I am truly blessed by you
I pray that God will expand that opened heart of yours
That you may experience the wind that will just rush in and through you
Setting your hearts ablaze with the refiner's fire

Open hearts
I can just go on and on and on
Because I'm just so amaze at your openness
And view on this amazing move of God
Things to you just don't seem to be odd

Open hearts
May you continue to love God with all you have
And to know that you are truly save
I still stand amazed
At the open hearts you have

Open hearts
You know who you are
And I totally love you
Am praying for you
Knowing that in mighty ways
God is gonna totally use you...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


It's 2.22 a.m. and I'm still not sleeping
Checking notifications on FB
Doing assignments and checking gmail
All in a days work
Its just that my days work is only starting

I have been really really really busy lately
To the point where I have a heap of clothes unfold
Some still hanging on hangers to dry
Table full of books, things and stuff
That I can't seen to put anything anywhere cos no table spot is in sight

2 days of public holiday has gone in an blink of an eye
Time isn't really on my side these days
And thus, the late late nights

Almost got so overwhelm just now knowing that I'm gonna be attack
As I am physically and mentally tired
This vulnerability has caught the attention of the devil
And it seems to wanna make my heart beat faster
Enter in thoughts and fear of the future
Making everything seem so utterly worthless

Tomorrow and the day after
Classes from 8 to 4
With few breaks in between
So help me God

Assignments and tutorials pile up
I just can't seem to handle it
So busy with CF
Have I forsaken academics?

Talked to my mom on the phone again
Telling her that I won't be sleeping yet again
Assignments up and time is up
By my own strength it shan't be done

As she prayed for me and I for her
I got reminded of how my friend and I prayed together
After an amen your worries miraculously disappears
Because suddenly you look at circumstances through the eyes of God

You suddenly realize although all your life you'd have
It's kinda overrated saying that we should see it from "God's Perspective"
But the truth of the matter is that prayer works
And after praying you see that God is way way bigger than the situation at hand

The heaviness in your heart leaves immediately
And you have confidence in yourself knowing that God will see you through
That because I took care of God's business
He would surely take care of mind

As long as through this busyness
I never loose focus of God
And then is where I realize
That God has been with me all along

So close
So near
So real
That I don't really feel busy after all.......

Monday, October 24, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

God's faithfulness

Even as so many things are happening this semester, the good still outweighs the bad and I'm still holding onto God's faithfulness. I shall be reminded of the great things He's been doing in my life. =)

That was first day of my new semester (this sem) and I was dumbfounded and in awe of what God was doing in my life so quickly! The previous night, talking to my mom, I was just so excited and told her I can't wait for what God's gonna do in me and through me this sem, and the next day, the above "open door" happened. Talk about glory speed! God is truly amazing and when I testified about it during our hostel night prayer, one of our friend Jansen (really proud of him), asked for his own open doors as well. Right after prayer, he went to mamak and a not-so-close friend just walked up to him and told him about his life worries and all!!! I was reminded then, about something Bill Johnson said that when a testimony is being testified, the same anointing of the testimony enters the room or place and that is actually what happened right after prayer!!! God is good. So as you read this testimony, may the anointing reach you and may you witness an "open door" as soon as possible! Be blessed for God is moving. Asking God to enlarge my capacity as too many "open doors" are coming my way, too fast and too quick! But that is a good problem ay...... God bless!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Where I am I shall not be Shaken

It hurts when you're being questioned
Asked to "check it", recheck, and check again
Whether you're at the right place
Whether you're being lead astray
Deviated from the truth?

The feeling is so real I would not deny it
Just because friends seemingly know what they see
And advice what they deem
I shall not be shaken
Even though feelings are so real
I feel my hands numb while typing this

Question after question
Attack after attack
To God I must bring this confusion
And not let the devil attack

You try praying
But you don't know where to start
Are what they're saying true?
Am I being taught not the things of the bible?
But the things which are grey?

You try worshiping the Lord
But the truth of the matter is
The feelings and hurts you feel
Are real and there
No point sweeping them under the rug
And saying that "I'm strong" when I'm not

You start to question and wonder
Not God but yourself
Did I hear the Lord wrongly?
Did I make an abrupt change too quick?
Did I present my case to the Lord?
And actually waited for His view on all of this?

It's been more that a year I have asked the Lord
A tad too long ever since I knew I wasn't growing
But the confirmations came
And answer after concrete answer
I knew where I was suppose to go
Deep down I so really know

Checked with Pastors
Talked to different leaders
Had the encouragement of family
But not of many friends

And then this happens
Where because of your decision
Friendships may end in "ruin"

This week has been tough for me
Two days of crazy happenings
And an assignment deadline

Glad I made it through
But after all the busyness
And you actually have time to ponder
You wonder
What in the world is happening?
What is their problem?

When they say the harsh things they say
Are they saying them out of a love?
Or all out to condemn?
Why the crude words and so much questions?
Why question God's anointed one so deep?
Does it even matter or add onto their faith?
When they see themselves worthy to judge?

The truth hurts further when they come from close friends
People you actually love
You think to yourself
"Do they see me so stupid?
That even I wouldn't know whether I'm receiving the right teachings?"
Why do they question my move?
Is it an insecurity in them projected on me?

The love test comes
And you start choosing to love those who hurt you
Whether or not they know they're hurting you

I had to be so sure that I'm doing the right thing
(something quite unnecessary after all the confirmations from wise older ones)
But my surrounding tells another story
And presenting to God my case with tears
I knew I have nothing to fear

As I tried worshiping for it was hard
To wonder what I'm doing is the right thing?
Why my move is affecting so many people
He reminds me to take out a prophecy I received
The written scribbling I was so excited about
In one of the prophetic workshops I attended
(God's word but people still doubt prophets)

Glance through and came to this phrase
This was taken before my courageous move

"I'll do something new and people may not understand or receive.
Persevere because it's from God."
(not the misunderstanding part, but the part where I should move.)

I get confirmed and encouraged all over again
By my Father who makes sure I don't waver
Showing me full proof of His clear direction for me
And I'm not going the wrong way
For this I am sure of

But then again
The critics may continue criticizing
And people may still be wondering
Why I am where I am

It just hurts because you don't know whether the harsh words thrown at you
And all the personal attacks coming from different people indirectly
Are actually genuine concern of where I'm going in my faith
Or just out there to cause dispute against my new found family
Because they move so strong in the Holy Spirit and the Supernatural
Some may say they've entered too grey an area

But deep down I'm so sure and confident of this
The place which God have called me to be in
Shaken this week
But confident now
Knowing that my father God knows what I'm going through
And He WILL see me through
Although it is a painful journey
I look back onto the prophecies spoken over me
Having the full encouragement from my family
(They are wise discerning people you see)
And continue to love my friends no matter what reaction they would bring me
And see how the sequence of some AMAZING events have brought me into a family
Who focuses on pleasing God and God alone
I'm so sure that God wants me to stay where I am
For I'm growing just so much it takes my breath away
I shall not be moved

For God knew this was coming
And He asked me to persevere
Therefore it makes perfect sense to stay
Where I am I shall not be Shaken....

Saturday, October 8, 2011

A True Worshipper

Was talking to my mom the other night
Reliving and describing with the best that I can
All that God has been doing in me
And it took hours
Cos the emotions, tone and words conveyed
Just cant seem to mirror exactly 
The magnitude of God's work
In my life right now

It. Is. Indescribable.

Was telling her I had a breakthrough of a past hurt
That there are so many "open doors" beyond me
Asking me to tell them about Christ
Random people taking notice of me
Talking to me
The great experiences I'm having in my new church
The way God is touching CF
Touching the lives of my friends
Giving me favor with men
Extending prayer group
Truly understanding that I'm loved  by my Father
And the prophecy given to me that God wants to bless me in the artistic
Something about my singing and worship...

Jokingly said
(With a tad of pride or self-glorification)
That I can be a worship pastor
She saw right through me
Better than even I see myself
(sometimes it scares me)

Anyways she went on in a very reasoning yet "matter-of-fact" tone

"I think ah, we must always be worshipers ya, like really worship God and have a heart of worship, I think it is important to worship God all the days of your life, that is most important. Whether in front of people or not with a true worshiping heart, to first be a worshiper. Then the next level only think about worship leading ya? If not how to worship lead if you're not a worshiper? Doesn't really make sense right? So I think the key is to just worship the Lord first. Anything after that would be the next level. So first, be a worshiper. Than only a worship leader, if not than it would only be like, like, like...a.. what's that, rock leading, like a performance, and you don't want that to happen ya?"

This is what I can sort of remember although not verbatim
Notice the fact that she didn't even mention about me being a worship pastor
Cos what my mom emphasized on was the heart of a true worshiper
And not the glory or fame that (may) come with worship leading

She threw me back onto the "selfless" road
Where God takes centre stage and not me
Put my perspective back on track to what true worship is all about
And through the whole topic what jumped out at me were the words
"To worship God all the days of my life"

You see my mom is not really musically inclined
Neither is she tone deaf (I think)
But we always joke about the way she sings out of tune or off-key
And wonder where did my sis and I get our musical talents from
Getting involved in worship at a very young age
Seeing how my mom is the way she is

But that night God opened my spiritual knowing of worship
To a whole new different arena
From the mouth of my mom who had no clue about music

We always say it's not about the music
It's not about the lights
It's not about the talented musicians
The guitar riffs, the offbeat drum beats, the solo singing
But the manifest presence of God
And our undivided attention towards Him
As we offer our devotion through worship

But how much of that do we really live out and know?

Hearing my mom say the things she said that night
Humbled me all over again
That its not about standing on stage and looking good in the eyes of man
But worshiping God wholeheartedly 
Satisfying Him as the only One who deserves my adoration
In the privacy of my own room
Where no one else sees

For a girl who loves music
Took lessons,
And can tell when a drum beat is off or whether one's singing in key
To hear her mom musically handicapped and all
Talk about the true meaning of being a worshiper
Made me realize that I have to have my feet on the ground
No matter how high my spiritual journey takes me
To not be proud but humbled by the fact
That God loves me so much that He wants to lavish me with new gifts and talents
Not because of who I am
But because of His love and grace

Father I pray that before anything or whatever I do
Be it leading worship up front
Or singing in my own room
I would know and know in my heart
That I'm not performing to an audience
But singing to an audience of One
To understand the gem of truth
My mother has
-of what worship is truly all about
 to be 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Love of a true Father

The Love of a true Father
That is what I felt last night
As he held me in his arms
The pains, the fears, the harsh words thrown at
Evaporated into the air around me
So naturally and easily.

That even right now writing this
I have no questions
Or "after-events" pondering
Of whether it was just a temporal emotion
I have no doubt about the true fact
That my Daddy God loves me.

Took me quite a bit lot to muster up courage
To walk to up to the front
Tell my pastor I needed a father's hug
After lights were soon to be shut
And everyone getting ready, all packed to leave
Thought to myself 
"I'll never forgive myself if I don't deal with this foreign-ness now"
To have arms wrapped around me
Minus the awkwardness and the unnatural feeling of when two bodies collide

You see my pastor felt that there were people who needed a mother's or father's love
To be assured of who they were as their sons and daughters
He willingly and selflessly allowed us to come up to him and his wife in front
To feel that LOVE we may have never felt before

I wanted to go to the "father figure"
Emotions, fear and unworthiness held me back
My legs were shaking I was afraid the short walk up front
Will end up with me collapsing half-way
It ended and I couldn't.

Was feeling so disappointed in myself 
How would I ever be able to have a warm hug with my "unloving" dad
If I can't even hug someone with so much care?
Thanks to friends who were patient and caring
Making sure I have my hug of "healing" before the service ends
I mustered up everything within me
And with legs stills shaking and my heart pounding
I didn't need to say anything
And Pastor just said with a smile on his face
"Now you're finally brave enough to come for a hug"

Words spoken as he held me in his arms
Right at the bulls eye of my childhood's tainted past
Assuring that "I'm a good girl"
And that "I am smart"
Being proud of who I am and who I've become
Giving me more gifts
Blessing me so generously 
Washing away the feelings of being 

I thank God for this hug
Not the exact, but the closest resemblance
Of the Father's heart of God for me
Insecurities and the feeling of being stupid
Of never being good enough
Or never living up to my earthly dad's standards

Have been trade in.
And replaced. 
By the truth which come forth from my Daddy God's heart.

The restoration process is almost complete
For this I know indeed
That last night
I so really, truly felt
The Love of a true Father.

(and I hope that you would feel that love too)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Where should I start?


I guess I just have to start from the latest and work myself down to try to document all that God has been doing in my life....God is good just because. And I love Him so...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

It's your life

Camp, workshop, seminar or not....we should always be reminded of this. 

Friday, September 2, 2011


That's how I've always felt being around him
And 20 years later
Nothing has changed
Hurts when you actually understand what's he saying
And the older you get
You'd think he'll respect
But it seems more ridiculous than it could ever get
To be verbally abused
Is better than physical
At least you don't bleed right?
But the pain inside
May last a lifetime

Woke up early this morning
To go for a prayer climb
Great what God is doing in our church
To see the youth take ownership and run that hill at 7 in the morning
I'm so proud of them
Speaking in toungues so loud
People thought we were indians
Claimed the land
Believing this lantern carnival would be life transforming
Not cos of us
But cos of God

Led them in a quick prayer to my unliking
Had to rush back before 8
Cos his car broke down for like the 288th time
Talk about sacrificial love.

Coming back this round and the last few times
The belittling has lessen as so I thought

Shouted at in front of his workers
Belittled, compared
Strip of my dignity
And of my worth as a daughter
Who was driving the car now?
Felt unappreciated

I would never be good enough for him
No matter how hard I try
Being below average is not nice to be heard of
Hurts even  more coming from your own dad

I wasn't gonna let him speak to me like that
I bet even his workers could see that his communication is handicapped
I followed instructions and directions exactly the way he said it
But oh no, he is "always" right and forever will be

Spoke up for the first time in my life in front of others
Heard my voice breaking but couldn't care less
I'm gonna put up with the same fight my mom went through
Cos that's just the way it is in complicated relationships

After a "scene" and picking up the second worker
All the way to the work place

In my mind I was thinking
What have he gone through so bad
That would make him come to border lines like these?
Is there even a license given for people with not just a failed life
But who've been through a lifetime of hopelessness and defeat
To raise their voice, curse and spit
Anytime they like?

"Lord, help me love the man he have become is."

Thank God for a book I misplaced in the car
Found it and read it
Pretending to be indulged in it
While waiting for him and his workers to get their stuff out

Tried to not stare at the limping employee with his limping employer
Life has been hard and tough on him
But I guess it naturally manifests into his surroundings
With the pride, hate and arrogance he embraces

Dropped his workers
Now we have to head to his car that is older then me =.=''
Always breaking down, always giving problems
If I can't drive I'll feel embarrassed sitting in his
Seat belts don't work and you can practically see the moving road under you 

That's what you get when you let your heart win.
Not humbled enough to allow your brothers and sisters to get you a decent car.

The journey I dreaded-
It was just me and him
Thank God Britt Nicole was on the speakers
Blasted it to avoid conversation
And to show him I'm proud of the music I listen to
To not let his silence dictate my faith no more
To show him that as I grow up the more I'll defend and speak out for my faith
Whether he likes or not

Asked whether I have eaten yet or wanna go get a drink
The unchristian part of me wanted to scream
"I have to go to work, you idiot!"
To let him realize that I'm actually doing him a favor 
And avoiding the words "I'm fasting"
Like the discussion isn't heated enough already

How can you feel like everything's ok
When everything wasn't just a second ago?
Is that what pretending does?
Erase faults and leave situations hanging
When there's still a tenseness in the air between you?

Tears flowed mercilessly
Why did Britt Nicole have to sing about such things?
Talk about the "right" timing
"When she cries" was playing
But like usual he was oblivious
I guess that happens when you're aging

Couldn't wait to drop him at the petrol station where his car stayed the night
Poor car over-nighting and abandoned in places unknown for the hundredth time

Said a good bye
Drove off
And the tears came harder and stronger
Just couldn't stop

Asked God why this and why now?
When I already submitted the day to Lord
Asking Him to be in control of the day
As my sis says
Dad's timing is always "perfect"
When you have church events
He sends a cry for help
Talk about spiritual warfare at its best

I had to clean up my act
A day of work is before me and there's no time for pity-party and a teary face
I need to be strong and move on 
With God on my side

With children's church and youth later tonite
Tomorrow's church bulletin
And decoration plus a presentation on my agenda
No way am I gonna allow the devil to win this

As I drove round the round-about
And whispered a word of prayer before reaching my church
I smiled with a slight smirk on my face
Not because of avenged
But because the devil has been defeated
Because there is nothing that can happen
That would make me love my dad less

Even if the devil uses emotions to get at me
The feeling of feeling unappreciated
I know I'm not fighting against flesh and blood
Or in this case, my OWN flesh and blood

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."~Ephesians 6:13

I know its not my dad himself when he belittles me
Its the devil behind it
And even though it seem so insurmountable to believe he'll come to Christ
I believe he WILL one day

And now as I draft this post with a smile on my face
With Britt Nicole on my computer speakers just yet again
The right song is playing at the right time
I'm "hanging on" and I know it's Divine

Cos even though my dad does not appreciate me (now)
My Heavenly One does...
"And I'm hanging on to every word He speaks, cos it's all I need...."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Something right now that seems foreign to me
Even though I was "thrown" into it at a very young age
Never realizing why or for who I did it back then
Following and serving just out of obedience

At 10 I started leading kids in worship
When I myself was still a kid
Handpicked, chosen to go overseas
Praying on stage for participants in Hong Kong
Singing and dancing
I must say it was lots of fun

Have been a worship leader
A clown
A game master
Done dramas
Done skits
Done object lessons

Took its toll on me when it became "reaching expectations"
Outwardly I was or thought I was a blessing
But inwardly I felt empty and used
To reach out to a few hundred children
To show children workers how things ought to be
It was wrong of me to think that way

I guess when you enter your teens
And start having a mind of your own
You start wondering what am I here for?
And why am I doing this?
Rightful questions questioned wrongfully
Almost resulting in bitterness

Sometimes we turn into human-doings
When we should stay human-beings
Subconsciously allowing works to precede the heart
Serving men and leaders
Forgetting Jesus the true boss 
Messing up the definition of serving and servanthood

I resented it at one point
To the point of falling into depression
Went back to KK and didn't wanna have anything to do with it
Ironically, served in children, youth, worship and sports ministry
Happens when you're able and related to leaders

Is there such a thing as too much of it?
What is the exceeding mark?
When should we stop and breath?
There has to be breathers
So we can take it all in
From the one who breathes life

How would you know that you're called by God Himself
And not by the leader because they're forever lacking of people
To serve from ones heart
Not because they're talented, a pastor's kid or just being nice
But to be truly CALLED.

Somehow I feel like I wanna serve again
But this time it comes from my heart
Not because someone has called me
But because I have heard from Him
And I shan't be afraid

No one is indispensable
But everyone is irreplaceable
Whether its in the children's ministry
Or worship team
I would follow where God leads

I was naturally placed in it
I followed and serve obediently
Enjoyed it actually
But age and reasoning came in
I felt neglected at one point 
And I resented it
But I'm older now
And I realize that God brings us through times
All for a bigger purpose and plan
We see the thread
He sees the tapestry
The bigger picture

I wanna come back now
I wanna serve my King
For its more than a physical act or thing
Its character building
And spiritual maturing

I wont resent you no more
For I was wrong to do so
For when I was soaking during "carpet time"
I felt Him saying
"Come back to serve Me, with Me"

and then I realize that I don't serve Him on my own, I do it together with Him
and that makes it a lot easier because I'll get tired serving on my own and in my flesh
but with him supernatural strength is my portion
and I have fear no more
as I come back to 

This Sem's Exam

This sem's exam
Was the worst one by far

Day 1 of exam:
Accidentally switched my exam slip and didn't check the name.
Wrote my friend's index number on my exam sheet.
Didn't know until 11 that same night.
Didn't really sink in until I realized I'd be getting his marks and mine his.
(If he was a better student I wouldn't mind....just kidding!honesty rules!)

Day 2 of exam:
Screwed up a whole 25 marks question.
Was blank totally.
Never felt like that in my whole college life.
Panicked for a moment.
Roughly calculated in my head whether I could still get an A.
I doubt it.

Day 3 of exam:
Exam on a Sunday.
Not cool.
Had 2pm paper. 
Decided to go for 5pm service.
Was persuaded to go for the 10 am one too.
Caved in.
God will honor my decision.
Went to church.
Was blessed.
Prayed over for Divine wisdom.
Went into exam hall all energized.
Came out thinking "what if I don't do well?"
What kind of a testament would it be?
(Sometimes I don't dare say the paper was easy and God was good
because what if I don't do well? Then God isn't good? what is the 
balance between pulling God into the state of our exams but not letting
it define the greatness of our God despite the results?)

Day 4 of exam (last day):
Woke up rushing to the bathroom.
Food poisoning.
Must be the chicken my friend gave me from bazar.
Had diarrhea more than 4 times.
Prayed it wont happen in the exam hall.
It didn't.
 Thanked God.
Just as I was about to shout "FREEDOM!"
Was told that I had an interview to clean up my mess about the switched exam slips.
Interview in.
Interview out.
No conclusion yet.
Case brought to board of examiners.
Praying that God's grace would redeem my carelessness. 

How my exams have fair this sem?
Only time would tell......

But always believing.
That God knows what I'm doing.
As He continues designing.
His master plan for me.