It's OK Not to be OK

Something that has been "astounding" me in the past week is how people here in the US will tell you they're "not OK" when they're really not. First it was surprising and then it became intriguing because back home in Malaysia, we almost NEVER say we're not ok. Any typical conversation will go like this:

A: Hi! How are you?!
B: Good! Everything is good....

When obviously something is not OK (based on their countenance) and then you're forced to guess what's truly happening in that persons world. Is it their boss? School? Spouse? Finances? Ministry stress? Boy-girl issues or just that time of the month again? Our compassion towards them then turn into an unnecessary burden-bearing that stems from an ungodly messianic nature, cos face it! We wanna save the entire universe but that was never God's plan for us cos He already did that. All we need to do is walk in-step with Him and live out our destinies alongside Him. When we realize we're not the Messiah and have no business filling that role, the pressure comes off. My mom could turn from a worrier to a (prayer) warrior, I don't have to be caught up in anxiety over my dad's health condition and salvation and I can trust that God has my sister and her destiny safely in the palm of His hand more than I could ever comprehend.

One important thing I learned here is that my emotions can serve as "warning flags" and show me how my heart is feeling, but it does not deserve the "driver's seat" of my life. I master my emotions, not the other way around. I do not deny them too, because that could bottle up and create an unforeseen volcanic eruption which may just hurt those closest to me.

I realize that I grew up super sensitive not because I was a problem child, but because it was a "gift" from God. I remember puking in front of a leader because I was feeling a religious spirit and being in the sick room the first two weeks of my high school "career" just cos it was Muslim dominated and although I tried my best to make things work, I just couldn't. I'm picking up on things in the Spirit that just wasn't mine. Reading books such as "Happy Intercessor" by Beni Johnson and "The Veil" by Blake Healy also helped tremendously.

A mentor told me that once I have the perception change in my head concerning my "gift of sensitivity" I could change the world!!!! How uplifting and relieving that felt! That I'm not a burden to those around me cos I'm picking up on stuff but it's God giving me permission to "see" or "feel" into the spiritual realm, that with the authority invested in me, I can speak to death whatever has to die and breathe life into what needs to live. I just love it!!! And so I'll share a song here that has deeply helped me in my years of growing pains and teenage bewilderment. It's really is ok to not be ok.... because God sees, He knows, He understands, and He would never let us stay in that state for too long. If only we allow Him in.

Take the Risk

Risk is so worth taking when you know you’re in a safe environment. Here at bethel, we are always asked to take risk and even when we “fall” the leaders and mentors always makes sure that they are there to catch us when we fall. The safety net we need because we will never succeed without failure. So I took a risk to sing a spontaneous song I heard about breaking of shame when the accuser of the brethren comes into attack and accuse you, questioning your devotion for God. I was encouraged by a mentor, took the step of faith, found the right key and sang for the devil to see that he has no hold on me. Little did I know that my friend Dan Hutchcraft actually have friends from worship mob. The band who came up with that spontaneous song. I believed this would encourage them because their song spoke to me in my deep season of need and through the power of Youtube, a girl from Malaysia saw hope through a song. So take risk where you know you can. Cos beyond the risk, more often than not, glory is awaiting on the side cos its really all about Jesus. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st4n3DzXlIA

PS: The Director of Worship Mob personally inbox me on FB to ask which was the song I sang because he wanted to encourage the worship leader. I love how all these is so seriously Kingdom. hahaha!

❤️

10 Years Redemption, 10 Years Fulfillment

Coming to Bethel School of Superntural Ministry (BSSM), I've gotten to meet lots and lots of different people, young and old from all walks of life. It always leaves me in awe to see how there are soo many more radical Jesus-lovers out there and despite background, skin color or social status, we're so hungry for God, it places us on a same level as one humongous global family. So this is Cheska from the Philippines, a dance teacher that taught me dance in a one day hip-hop workshop my mom signed me and my sister up before we even knew. But I'm so glad she did because back then she didn't know particularly what she was doing, but God knew. God knew that it wasn't just a seed of beautiful connection and friendship He was planting, but also a seed of revival that would eventually connect me to Bethel, because fast forward 10 years of wandering away from God, Cheska is now a third year student in BSSM! She was one  of those friends (or seniors) who cheered me on when I was just "thinking" to come. Little did I know that I was a "sign" from God to her in terms of redemption....

Me and Cheska! Meeting after 10 years in America!

It was when I was reflecting on her 10 year breakthrough that I realized that it was also my 10 year breakthrough of depression!!! I tried taking my own life when I was 16 and 10 years later I'm still ALIVE!!!!!!!! In your face, devil! God is so good to me, and I'm so in expectant for the future and all that it holds! I want to live life in joy and abundance and God is just giving me that!!! So let's kick fear in the face because it's just an illusion! 2018 here we come!!!

Also, here is a link to donate to Cheska for her expenses here in Redding for groceries, rent, etc. If you have a heart for dance and Hollywood, please support her because she has a call to go into dance industry and reform it for Jesus! And man, can she dance! Just do as God leads! You never know, you may just be funding a future Bieber dancer! hahaha..

Paypal: francesca.tabifranca@gmail.com

Or cashapp: $FrancescaTabifranca

Looking back on 2017

Coming to BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Redding, California was such a big move. An overwhelming one to say the least in the most challenging yet wonderful experience of my life. Words can’t describe what I feel and all that I have learned here. It is also through wanting to process my thoughts and reflections through blogging that I realised my last post was from December of last year! What a long break I took?! There’s so much going on here that it’s real hard for me to prioritise time to journal so I think blogging will give me that necessary time spent sitting down and reflecting on my process and heart posture. (That, and the fact that I almost never look back on what I’ve written in my journals maybe because I don’t like my handwriting or how I feel that it’s so unworthy or even boring to be looked upon.. something that I might need to dig deeper into maybe?)

Anyways, it’s the 30^th of December, second last day of the year so I thought that I’d might write my feelings of reaching my “American Dream” of attending BSSM after dreaming about it for more than three years. There have been so many testimonies and crazy happenings that I’d thought I’ll just start with these and work myself backwards from here. So I bet (and hope) that there will be more posts coming up soon just to document my life’s journey and how faithful God has been through it all.

So I came here in August, almost not coming due to a deep depression I felt. One so big that my family was worried that I couldn’t take the flight here, just for my own safety. See, I was a “danger” to myself, swallowed up in negative thoughts and partnering with the devil on who I was and meant to be. Bad stuff. Stuff we should never think about because as Bill Johnson says, “We cannot afford to have a thought in our head that is not in His”. For me, it was the exact opposite, super detrimental to my very own well-being.

But through the fire and through the battle, I took that flight on the 24^th of August, with a thousand negative thoughts mercilessly flooding my mind, I spent the first two months questioning, doubting and feeling unworthy about myself. See, when the devil knows that you are one step closer to your destiny, it will do anything to stop you from taking that step and going further in trying to push you to take your own life. So bonkers in reality but so “real” when you’re in depression. It’s crazy.

Fast forward to the here and now, and I can’t but tear up in gratitude of the goodness of my Father. The times He kept singing over me even when I couldn’t hear Him. The times He reached out His hand through the fog and I didn’t hold it being too blinded by my own pain and “sufferings”. The times when He whispered His words of affirmation over me but all I could hear was the devil’s voice screaming in my head. The times where He felt the pain of the emptiness I felt. And the countless times He tried to make me feel found when I felt so lost. He never gave up on me.

And for that I’m forever grateful. When someone does that (let alone our Maker), fights and pursue you time and time again, you seriously can’t help but just give in to the pursuit, only realising that it’s the best decision you can ever make in your entire life. And in response to that, you want to make your life all about Him, the best way you possibly can.

So here I am, with tears streaming down my face, overcome by the reckless love of God. What can I say, when all that He does is leaves me in awe and dumbfounded by His beauty. That and the fact that I lost my phone on Christmas break in Seattle five days ago. Another HUGE reason I can partner with the enemy in saying what a disappointment, careless and clumsy girl I am, which will naturally drive me down the rabbit’s hole once again. But no, I won’t partner with the devil, instead I’ll partner with truth and not let it steal my joy. Although there are loads of prophecies and memories in the form of pictures I treasure with all my heart in there, they’re not my idol. God still reigns supreme over my life and staying in His presence is better than any materialistic thing could offer even if it’s storing prophecies and pleasant memories (good things actually). It’s good in a way because all prophetic words come from Him, so it makes me rely solely on listening to Him directly than being distracted by listening to those recordings. I realised that I have been spending more time on my prophecies than being face to face with Him in His presence without mediation. Sometimes we can be so distracted by the gifts that we subconsciously forget the “Gifter”. 

I do pray for a miracle though, because I still need my phone to connect with family and friends and I don’t have the money to buy a decent one. So please pray for me on that! Haha..  Anyways, I’m so glad that 2017 has been a super blast and coming here to Bethel really got me more than what I bargained for. Really excited to see what God has in store for me in 2018!!! 

Love y’all!