Friday, September 28, 2012

It. Is. REAL.

It is REAL.

The feelings I had in the last semester
The doubts, the pain, the negative wonders
The insecurities deduced to mere "hallucinations"
Were way real than what I thought they would be

How do I know?

The absence of it paints a clear picture
Of how "presently" real it was back then

Now I can smile without pretending
Laugh without having that weird plastic face feeling
And sing like I'm soaring

That I wasn't hallucinating
But actually going through a wilderness
I didn't know and acowledge

Knowing that even in this present darkness
I can see my precious God
And realize that He's taking me out of this phase
Into His marvelous light

I won't doubt that I am weak

Sometimes as a leader
We put up a strong front
Like it's a crime to have feelings
To be real and raw
To be vulnerable and weak to those around you

I've come to realise that its not "just me"
But a part of life
We were wired that way
With emotions and feelings
After the fall of Adam
The negatives of life comes with the package
But my God took that package and redeemed a better one for me

And as a redeemed person
I am partaking of His goodness
Happy and content with where and who I am

So in this I shall be confident
That I'm not some weird person with crazy emotions
Cos I realized that just like me
Most of my friends have these feelings behind closed doors too

So I don't have to worry
Cos as much as I feel bad, sad, tired or neglected
I will eventually feel good, happy, refreshed and accepted
In Christ and in those that He has placed around me

Because..... It. Is. REAL.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Reflections, pains and gains...

As I sit here typing this out
I know that it's my last day in KK somehow
With the need to pack and fly off later
I still can't fathom how aerodynamics can allow me to be here this moment
And transport me there in the matter of hours

Now I'm here
Next thing I'm there
The past few months have been more than just dry
Dry's not the word
Maybe more like the struggle to survive

Because I still feel God
Very much tangible in fact
But that's the thing!
It's all the  jerking, laughing and shaking
Second-guessing the manifested intention

Then there's this whole end-of-diploma dilemma
Should I continue or should I not
Counting the pros and the cons
The time spent and how much the cost
Would suddenly leaving, halt me at a lost?

Also the identity issue
Why I'm not that pretty
Or not that tall
"I'm putting on weight! "
Focusing on what is all wrong

And then the issues societies face
The background clashes
Not sure what to stand for
Everything can be backed up by Word
But what does God say about these?

So a tough sem led me into a tough sem break

Whatever the reason
Ended up sleeping for up to 14 hours
Body clock turned upside down
Diminishing my holiday plans
Of the many things I wanted to do

Coming back this round also opened my eyes
To the things God is doing in my state KK
The significance of the mountain, the rituals, the race
All adding up to the all-knowing facet of my King
Makes me wonder, am I here to stay?

Which then again leads me back to a huge unnecessary problem
What would I do in the future?
Should I still study journalism if I don't want to be a journalist?
Would I ever end up being a "somebody"?
Cos the lie incepted is that I'll end up a nobody

Which reminds me and bring me back to the first few struggles mentioned earlier
The MAJOR one in fact
Stupid "fear-of-the-future"
Crippling me so bad
Disabling my happiness of living in the present

And I realize all these problems and negativity
Are kinda intertwined as a whole
If I'm affected spiritually
My emotional and physical side will be affected eventually
Far worst when it comes mentally

Loosing all confidence in who I am
And what I believe in
Is the stand I'm taking really worth standing for?
Shaken to the bone
Feeling all alone

Oh ya, and the unnecessary attention I'm getting
All from the wrong places when I'm wishing the right
Making me go dizzy
I shall not put up a fight
But what time would it be when the "time is right?"

And the request/demand to actually move out
Out of hostel to a more "homely" place
Something I'd never do at my own wish
With the great things and happenings
I don't wanna miss whatever God's doing

Turning 21 has been crazy.
Funny it seems.
Ironic to my previous post.

What should I do? Who would I be?

When questioned wrongly
Opens a door for the enemy to be grimmy
To feed on that one thought
Expanding and furthering it
Into a whole lie that could even take lives

It's also hard when the people you confide in
Are there but no more there
Feelings evoke sticky situations
Allowing lots of misinterpretations
Maybe I shall keep it all in

But through this over doze of depressing thoughts I remember my Savior
And what He has done on that cross
This one paragraph can defeat all the other negatives
Saved by Grace through faith
In abundance I shall live

The devil may have been happy up til the last paragraph
But I will keep fighting cos I want to be like that post shared on Facebook
I wanna....

I shall fight against my weakness
Cos if handled well could be my greatest strength

I can look at 21 and say: "Hang in there you're still young, so just bear another few decades of striving and surviving in that state of the coming unknown, gripped by the fear of marriage, status and looks. The struggle to survive in a down-trodden economy. To have the simplest life you can, not rich, not poor, just enough with the absence of risks."

Or I can look at 21 and say:" You know what? you're only 21 and even though you've experienced a fair much don't let it stop you from experiencing so much more! The wonders of the unknown kept in the safe palm of your Dad and God. The greatest guarantee is not in money, health or who'll you marry. But the greatest guarantee is your hope in God. And that'll be the only guarantee you'll ever need. And eventually, everything will fall nicely but not perfectly into place. Things need not be perfect, this shall I remind you because when we envision a picture-perfect life, it sends us into a never ending delusion to fight for perfection. So what with the economic downturn. Don't forget who your Daddy is. There will be pain, strains and struggles but rest assured that you'll come through. Never ever second-guess your existence. You were made for a great destiny and so much more. So when the divine timing comes, you won't find the perfect husband, job or reputation. But you will find the right husband, job and have the right reputation. As long as you stay close to Jesus, know who your Father is and know that the Holy Spirit is there to assist you 24/7. Oh ya, and you are beautiful. Don't let the world tell you otherwise. In the meantime, choose to be wise for the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalm 111:10. Be rest assured in Him."

I hear people entering a mid-life crisis in their 30's, 40's or even 50's wondering who and why they are on earth. From sacked professionals to this unemployed pastor with 3 kids. It really scares me, seeing I'm so caught up in a huge identity crisis when I already know where my identity lies in. Then I divinely stumble across this gem just minutes ago that...

Because I have already been found by the One who knows it all. And I'm just on the brink of discovering the greatness and hidden talents of whats on the inside of me because of the One living in me. And I have my whole lifetime to keep discovering... And that is just a pleasant matter of fact.