Breathe... Just breathe

Breathe... Just breath
I repeated over myself in my head
Take a deep breathe
Everything will be ok

I paced back and forth
Calming myself down
Mentally tracing back to where I last put my pendrive
The pendrive with today's sermon in it

No pendrive means no sermon
And no sermon means half the congregation
Would have come to receive nothing
Nothing because of my carelessness

Thankful for my mom
Thankful for my friend
One to be in the car with me as I sped home
The other to be waiting for the sermon by his inbox

Mind racing and tears falling
Still trying to think how did I left it
As I thoroughly remember my steps
Taking it out of the CPU and putting it into my bag

But what's done is done
And what seems to be done was really undone
To swallow my pride and hope for the best
Thankfully testimony time stood in the gap

Throughout the whole process
I find my mind racing
In all sorts of different directions
Self-doubt, shame and justification

Why am I ever again so clumsy?
Am I ever gonna change?
I have been non-stop that's why
Identity if not protected attacked once again

I took my thoughts captive
And allow truth to slip in
I am not my actions
I am worthy of my birthright

As a child of God
A child who still makes mistakes
A daughter who still slips sometimes
I am a child of God

Why today? Why now?
Why before my last year of BSSM?
I fight the thoughts that scream mercilessly at me
Not believing that it was a sin consequence

I remember a pastor once started a group devotion
Among other leaders he told them to breathe
To breathe in and breathe deep
That this act has saved his life countless of times

And so did it mine
For this time around
A panic attack could have had me
But deep breathing saved me

Breathe in courage
Exhale fear
Breathe in love
Exhale self-hatred

I choose to believe in the One who sets me free
That with every breathe I breathe
I breathe Him in
Him inside me, that's all that I need

And so I will embrace this simple yet profound practice
To breathe in when I feel like falling
To breathe in when I feel the world's against me
To breathe in knowing that He's got me

To know that the God who breathed life into Adam
Is the same God that breathes into me
That the very existence of my being is because of Him
And in that I rest on His unfailing love, comfort and grace

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
And all things means ALL things
And sometimes it's just as simple (but just as important)

As breathing.... just breathing...

Define "Precious"

I just came back from an adventurous road trip two days ago and as adventurous as it was, it was also filled with lots of communicating with God, reflecting upon my past year and asking what lies ahead for 2019. We literally drove through California, Nevada and Arizona, so the lots of driving also meant lots of time conversing with God.

And so I asked God, "What's in store for me in this New Year?" and before He could tell me the things or plans He wanted me to do, He told me, "Define, precious. For you are precious to me".

That startled me as it sort of came out of nowhere. But it got me thinking and pondering and wondering. So I found the definition for the word "PRECIOUS" and it wrecked me.

From the Merriam Webster dictionary, "precious" means:

1. of great value or high price
2. highly esteemed or cherished
3. excessively refined
4. great or thoroughgoing (complete)

Reading this list once again brings tears to my eyes. That I'm so precious to the Maker of the universe. That amongst the wonders of creation, God looks out at me and calls me "precious". And when we really truly understand the meaning of what this word entails, it changes our perspective, our world view. The way we see ourselves, the way we see others, the way we look at circumstances knowing that whatever we're going through, it does not change who we are- precious in God's sight.

If we're able to look at each other with the true value that God has placed on us, things are gonna change. Relationships will be restored, friendships nurtured, loved ones seen in a whole new meaning and light. Abuse, divorce and wars will decrease because children, spouses and countries are precious. Human trafficking and sex slavery will not be an issue because lives are precious. Priorities will be reprioritized because the importance of friends and family far outweighs the temporal satisfaction of materialism and meaningless wealth. We may talk differently, act differently, behave differently because we cherish the ones before us. 

It also speaks on "self-love". That if God sees me as precious, I should carry myself in a way that's reflecting of how He sees me. To be patient with myself, to pay attention to my wants and needs, to say that it's ok to not be ok and that God will see me through. To not be so hard on myself, knowing there's grace in every season. To handle myself with kindness as how I handle the ones I love. 

So this year, let's be kind to ourselves because that's the heart of the Father for us. He is a good, loving and kind Father, therefore, that is our inheritance. Before we get out our new years resolutions,  rewrite new goals and re-dig old dreams, let's allow ourselves to sit in the comfortably of our own identities as precious children in the safe arms of a Father. And from there allow the dreams, visions, thoughts and plans to unfold. Flowing out of the certainty of our identity. Knowing that He will make all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). 

Bless you all and may you have a wonderful New Year!!! 2019 will be amazing!!!

Picture taken while driving nearby Mammoth Lakes during our road trip.