Jesus, Help Me

Coming to BSSM is more than I could comprehend. Help me, Jesus.

On the side note: Please leave a comment if you're reading so I know people are reading and so I can continue posting, cos I'm really not sure whose reading but I wanna know. Hope to be more interactive with my viewers cos bringing people along on this journey is way cool!!! Also, does anyone know how to link Instagram here? Cos it's way easier with that app now, plus you get to see cool photos of whoever I'm talking about! (With their consent of course). Happy Chinese New Year to those back home, and Happy Valentines!

Hiding Behind Religion

There are days where I find myself overflowed with gratitude for being born into a Christian family. Other days not so... And this is one of those days. Sometimes I wished I had a previous "gangster-life" or one filled with parties, clubs, dances and getting wasted. Where I lived life in the carefree fast lane until God met me in my darkest and BAM!!!! I become radically transformed!!! But no, this script was never part of my play and no, my life's story would never be a best-seller or one that will keep you transfixed on...(or maybe it would?).

Anyways, it wasn't a great start of the day for me today so here I am unraveling my heart out before I officially start ticking off my to-do list. You see, I've been thinking that sometimes as Christians, we hide behind our religiosity and "niceness" that we don't get the upper hand on situations and circumstances, allowing them to be blown out of proportion and getting out of control. We compare ourselves to other families, their spirituality, their level of communication, unity and sanctity.

I was told today that none of my household members were saints. Not any one of us. That, after sharing a message last week to 30 youth about how we were brought out of sinful nature to be Saints through Christ Jesus. And most of us in this household are either prayer warriors, preachers or worship leaders. So what went wrong? Are we really that far from being who we are supposed to be or was that comment just a momentary lapse of judgement? One that came out of tainted glasses and a shame-based perspective? A shout out into the abyss in the form of criticism but undeniably and utter cry for help? A self-projection of our own weaknesses onto others?

We hide under all these religiousness maybe because that's all the vocabulary we've ever known. Growing up with a strict background, if it's not God then it's the devil. Just one or the other, without space to objectify, room to process or learn and grow. We give blanketed answers, quote standard typical verses, thinking that these are the solution when they're actually not. The only answer I know is JESUS and He's not stagnant but dynamic, ever moving and ever showing grace, ever so merciful and understanding, responding to different situations differently.

We don't realize that we're empowering the devil every time we mention it in the midst of discrepancies we face. "It's the spirit behind her", "He's being used by the devil and he doesn't even know it".. Yes, I understand that there are spiritual powers, forces and principalities trying their hardest to come against us and cause disunity. But what about unique characteristics and different temperaments? If we wanted to point a finger, why not blame human nature? God made us all diverse to prove that there can still be a form of connection and mutuality despite the odds. That we're all different but the same, that at the core of our being lies the One who knows it all and has it all under control.

Typical Christians are very good "runners". We run away from problems, relationships, churches, community, jobs, towns in hope to find some place better never realizing that we should and could well be the "better" for our present surrounding. Instead of sinking with the environment, maybe we could make a stand to make a change. To lift the atmosphere we're in with the presence of the Holy Spirit abiding in us. We are powerful, if only we know it.

So I just hope and pray that Christians who are decades old will stop succumbing and conforming to subtle religious notions while radical game changers will not be shunned when they have something to say. We need each other and will never end well without any either. We need to run this race guilt-free with our heads held high, knowing that He who created me will complete the work in me until the day of Jesus Christ.

Understanding who we are in Christ and embracing our identities as Sons and Daughters of the Most High is the key. A key that too many Christians lack today. So let's start with ourselves. When problems, difficulties or even the enemy comes in the form of petty household issues or through the faces of our loved ones, let's fight alongside each other, together against the enemy and not the other way around. Let's stand strong to fight and not flight, for greater is He that is in me than he who is of the world... So there's really nothing to fear.

It's time we break down these walls, let our guards down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the midst of family. To make room for honesty and reconciliation. To be that safe place for others to find refuge in. To be the solace when they're in need of someone to confide. It's through understanding our weaknesses first that we're able to elevate on our strengths. Besides, you never really know what you're fighting until you really zoom into the opponent and hold it by it's horns. No point swinging our swords in thin air with the enemy sitting by the bench with it's popcorn, laughing at us. It wins with religiosity, but we win with relationship. So let's start coming out of our unhelpful shelters and start being victorious lights... And that could only happen when we stop hiding behind religion....

Deadlines are not Dead Ends

Going through this intense period of a summer semester programme jam packed with syllabus and curriculums usually carried over a year, I'm beginning to see reality at its harshest. How students, falter, crumble and breakdown under the weight of these assignments and weekly deadlines. It's crazy, to see them first-hand and to  hear stories of how students are sinking deeper into this myriad of "to-do's", gasping for air, in desperate need for help and attention they do not seek. Not unlike the two suicide cases of what happened earlier this year in my college. It just brings back so much unwanted memories, and coming from the similar background of fighting depression, I despise the familiarity.


It's only hours ago that I was standing face to face with another relentless deadline, hands frozen due to the lack of blood flowing  in, mind numb due to the intense focus of submitting it on time, body tired due to the lack of sleep, eyes red and swollen due to constant straining between the laptop screen and the mountain of books... who said student life was easy? Even desperate times of rushing to the toilet carried guilt along with it.


This however, did not stop me from thinking about the rest of students, similarly working through the night hoping that something will come out of their effort. Yet there are those who gives themselves too high an expectation without the room for a breather or improvement, escalating the anxiety within themselves, making the fall even harder if or when they do fall. It's never a nice thought or feeling.


You see, I actually missed my deadline this morning (it's bad and I apologized) due to a technical malfunction in the computer system while I was submitting it. Everything within me froze, it was like life was blown out of me and all I could think was "what next" or "what now". This 'zombie effect' takes over and before you can say "it's gonna be ok", guilt, fear, anxiety and every other noun that goes along with that. You pray and pray harder, think and think harder, to come up with the best reasons or excuse to tell your tutor of why the late submission. I immediately sent my tutor (who happens to be the most coolest tutor I've ever known, she's a biker/rocker chick with a whole wardrobe of black leather and red clothes with bleached hair who happens to be half Spanish, half Japanese with a 'Dr.' title due to her research on 'Music and Sexuality' while gaining awards for it, I told you she was cool!) an email to apologize, but either the internet or my blackboard was down that even sending an email took ages.


You don't know what to think or do. I walked all the way to class even though it was a classless day for me just to apologize in person, praying and debating on what the outcome may be. The best scenario, she shows grace and gives me a chance, the worst scenario, she fails me and my whole degree would be doomed, along with the money, time and mental capacity that came along with me to UK.


The former happened, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I guess we give grace because we've received it and that was what she showed me. Her respect to her students is something I've never seen before, and her honour towards people just reflects her heart of gold. It's really hard to describe. I pray that she'll continue to be who she is, because she's definitely more 'Kingdom' than most people I know.


So here I am reflecting on this day of colourful events and it's not even evening yet. I guess though my mind can wander into a whole new dangerous dimension, when fronted with a kind act, can immediately come back to rationality. That life is not just about deadlines and setbacks, but about freedom, joy and as many 'second-chances' as you need. Isn't that what grace is all about? I got to witness a glimpse of it in the most unlikely person, kicking me off guard to see that God is and will always be present in every situation...

Pulling ourselves through this myriad of deadlines

We find ourselves sinking faster than we can say 'help'

Negative thoughts subtly invades

Taking over LIFE's joy, peace and rationale

Thinking we're not good enough

Comparing ourselves to the likes of others

We push ourselves into the walls corner

Helpless with hands in surrender

Only to realize that situations are not as perceived

That the power of what negative thoughts can bring

Is the control of power unlike any other

Permitting the 'killer' called depression to come and take over

If only we looked to our Higher Power

And to Him surrender

Our doubts, fear and negative thoughts

His presence taking over our inner demons

Being dead is not the solution

Was never was and never will be

Being alive we can bring resolution

To the many questions in this world lingering

So whether it's a deadline or a failure

A lost or the lack of satisfaction

Know that time can redeem

An eternal road and not a dead end

When you pull through and keep walking

Looking back you'll see

That that moment where it seemed insurmountable

Is just but a speck in your life's timeline

There's more to life

And there's more to you

You are who you are

And not what you do

So kick back, relax and chill

Take that moment of silence

Or go shopping and have fun

Life is what you make out of it

This I learned through the grace given

Broadening my perspectives and changing my worldview

I see that deadlines are not dead ends

And my worries are just but a tiny speck in His Kingdom of liberty



PS: Not saying that we should miss deadlines, but things would never go your way 100%, do your work, be on time (something I myself need to learn), but don't forget that there's so much more in this world when you turn away from your pen, books and laptop, and bask in the glory of natural creation, just like how it was meant to be in the Garden of Eden.

The Most Perfect 'Mistake'

Turning 23 and coming halfway across the earth to study (well, I'd rather put it as an exploration or adventurous escapade but the technical and boring fact was basically for that 'normal' route we take to 'improve' ourselves career wise) made me realize, reflect and respond to my circumstance differently. Whether it's this 'aging' phase I'm in, stepping out of my shelter/comfort zone or being more attune to what God is saying or doing, I am actually beginning to see the clarity of where He is leading me through this journey we call LIFE.

I can't quite put my finger on when this 'thought' process started, but something about how God wrote my life's story is increasingly, intriguingly mind boggling to me.  You see, I didn't arrive on earth as scheduled with my parents calendric desires.  Instead, I was only due seven years later (this I reconfirmed with my mom) to naturally aging parents. In other words, I was way waaay overdue. I would like to think that my mom prayed, cried and fought for my arrival earnestly everyday but that would be putting words in her mouth, but nevertheless, my arrival was much waited for. A prophecy was given to her one night in a special church service about God wanting to bless her with a baby. The prophecy was fulfilled. And now, here I am, 23 years later, reflecting on the origin, historical context and God's finger prints all over my life.

It was just days ago when I caught myself thinking, if I really were to arrive as intended by my parents timing, I would be 30 by now! That's crazy! I won't even try to go there. To think what 'could have been' just makes me shiver in a ridiculously amusing way. Would I be settled down with three kids by now? What would I be doing as my career? Did I walk into God's intended destiny for me or faltered away from it along my way? Did I marry the man He knew was right for me? Or would I even ever get married? How would things have turn out if I did come out sooner?

Standing amazed, in awe and captivated by the beauty of my life process, I'd come to realize that there is nothing I need to do to make myself feel anymore valuable and worthy than I already am. I've grown to love myself and appreciate the precious 'moments' in which God has blessed me with. As in the beautifully scripted words of John Green, "The definition of humanness is the opportunity to marvel at the majesty of creation", it is only right now that I realized that I am part of creation and therefore I can and should well marvel at myself  too. The possibilities for this insight goes beyond the universe! (If only someone was hipster or cool enough to invent a new word which embodies "indescribable", "unthinkable", "unimaginable", "crazy" and "out of this world" all mashed up in one because) It's just so hard to put it in words. I was made for this! My ligaments, tendons, bones, flesh, muscles and atoms were fearfully put together to create wonderful me! It's so complex yet so simple, making it really hard to understand.

It's like two days ago when I went to get my name printed on a personalized special edition coke bottle. When the bottle with my name and surname came up from the machine, I was too in awe that I didn't want to 'pollute' it with my unworthy finger prints until I almost lost my chance because the machine started going back down, taking my bottled name along with it! The coke personnel and I were like "yikes! Quickly, just grab that thing out of its nozzle!". A good firm yank was all it took and there in my hands was a coke bottle, creatively and specifically personalized, unlike any other coke bottle in the entire world. That, and my finger prints all over it. I guess when I see myself with such infinite value, knowing that my life is worth someone else's and that God's finger prints are all over it, I find myself thinking,

"What better place to be than safe and secured in the hands of the One who made me?"

I look around and look intently. At my family, friends, situation and circumstance in which led me to where and who I am today and I cannot be more grateful. What seemed to look like an honestly 'late' mistake in my book is equated into the most perfect thing ever. He made me in His own timing and logic and with that I will continue singing my praises to Him in to all of eternity. My soul will bless His name for even more than a thousand years. All that has been written in different chapters of my life's book amazes me. The highlights, down sides, exuberating joy and merciless depression, the first day of kindergarten or when our little play slide got caught on fire, to moving to another far away state for five years and then coming back. The relationships established, friendships created, experiences documented and lessons mastered. WOW. To continue, the years back home and then going back to the land across the South China Sea to further studies, the titles won and the opportunity to speak to thousands. DOUBLE WOW. Taking leadership roles, leading nightly prayer meeting and hearing how you changed the lives of others. TRIPLE WOW. And then to go to a church which opened a whole new dimension of the supernatural and how I viewed spirituality with the desperate need of mind renewal. QUADRAPLE WOW. And here and now where I stand on the land of the United Kingdom. What can I say? Enough of 'wows', this is just CRAZY!!! How did I have the ability, capacity or financial stability to end up here?!?

This just goes to show that it's not just me, but God having a huge role as the great Author of my story. Allowing me to arrive seven years late is something that I would be eternally grateful for. Of course, it would also have been a blast but I was just telling this to my friend and she said "you might as well have been my sister's friend" whose wells settled with a beautiful child now. The thoughts could be as wild as they can get!

So here I want to thank God for creating me and this beautiful life and the 'bonuses' that comes with it. Thank YOU (yes, you the reader) for being part of this amazing adventure, because something, somewhere, somehow have led you to this site, thus proving that we've somehow crossed paths in a mysterious way. To all my friends and family, you don't know how much your presence in my life means to me. Words will fail miserably in comparison to how my heart soars right now while writing this.

Gone are the days where I wished I was born in the Bible times or earlier where things were easier without mediated technology. I have come to appreciate my present moment and existence in the here and now. Go read Esther 4:14 and Psalm 139:14. You were made in perfect timing through marvellous workmanship, what more could you ask for?! And it gets better..

If you feel more like a 'dirtbag' or 'crap' more than 'gold', just know that dirt is the only one component in the  whole world (besides cotton but that's just for primary school bean sprouts) where seeds can be planted. Put seeds in gold and what do you get? Come back days later and see the same seed infested gold you placed! Nothing more, nothing less. But God made us through dirt and there must be more of a metaphorical explanation to that or He'd be an awful designer. I mean, heavenly streets were made of gold but 'us' His most valuable creation-dirt? It does not equate! So go ponder on your value in which perfect seeds were invested upon.

I can go on and on and on and on and on about His goodness and greatness! From attending Hillsong Conference to having well known people taking notice of me, I realize this is just part of the perks He's giving to me. And I bet there's way more where that came from! And same goes to you!

So live life, loving it! Continue to marvel at creation (including yourself) and the beauty of everyday simplicity. Hold on tight until your knuckles turn red because He is just gonna blow you away!!!!!!

For now, I'm just glad that God made the most perfect 'mistake' ever in presenting me to this world later than my parents desires. COS THIS IS THE LIFE!!! And I cannot imagine it any other way... So look around and spot these wonderfully 'disguised' blessings that are about to come your way! Tirrah!

The little play slide me and my sister set on fire. Photo Credit: Jared Chong
(Can't believe it's still alive! Thanks for capturing this nostalgic piece Jared! So much memories!)

The one and only name and surname in scripted Coca-Cola bottle!!!











My new album cover. (Kononnya!)