Sunday, August 11, 2019

Breathe... Just breathe

Breathe... Just breath
I repeated over myself in my head
Take a deep breathe
Everything will be ok

I paced back and forth
Calming myself down
Mentally tracing back to where I last put my pendrive
The pendrive with today's sermon in it

No pendrive means no sermon
And no sermon means half the congregation
Would have come to receive nothing
Nothing because of my carelessness

Thankful for my mom
Thankful for my friend
One to be in the car with me as I sped home
The other to be waiting for the sermon by his inbox

Mind racing and tears falling
Still trying to think how did I left it
As I thoroughly remember my steps
Taking it out of the CPU and putting it into my bag

But what's done is done
And what seems to be done was really undone
To swallow my pride and hope for the best
Thankfully testimony time stood in the gap

Throughout the whole process
I find my mind racing
In all sorts of different directions
Self-doubt, shame and justification

Why am I ever again so clumsy?
Am I ever gonna change?
I have been non-stop that's why
Identity if not protected attacked once again

I took my thoughts captive
And allow truth to slip in
I am not my actions
I am worthy of my birthright

As a child of God
A child who still makes mistakes
A daughter who still slips sometimes
I am a child of God

Why today? Why now?
Why before my last year of BSSM?
I fight the thoughts that scream mercilessly at me
Not believing that it was a sin consequence

I remember a pastor once started a group devotion
Among other leaders he told them to breathe
To breathe in and breathe deep
That this act has saved his life countless of times

And so did it mine
For this time around
A panic attack could have had me
But deep breathing saved me

Breathe in courage
Exhale fear
Breathe in love
Exhale self-hatred

I choose to believe in the One who sets me free
That with every breathe I breathe
I breathe Him in
Him inside me, that's all that I need

And so I will embrace this simple yet profound practice
To breathe in when I feel like falling
To breathe in when I feel the world's against me
To breathe in knowing that He's got me

To know that the God who breathed life into Adam
Is the same God that breathes into me
That the very existence of my being is because of Him
And in that I rest on His unfailing love, comfort and grace

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
And all things means ALL things
And sometimes it's just as simple (but just as important)

As breathing.... just breathing...

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Define "Precious"

I just came back from an adventurous road trip two days ago and as adventurous as it was, it was also filled with lots of communicating with God, reflecting upon my past year and asking what lies ahead for 2019. We literally drove through California, Nevada and Arizona, so the lots of driving also meant lots of time conversing with God.

And so I asked God, "What's in store for me in this New Year?" and before He could tell me the things or plans He wanted me to do, He told me, "Define, precious. For you are precious to me".

That startled me as it sort of came out of nowhere. But it got me thinking and pondering and wondering. So I found the definition for the word "PRECIOUS" and it wrecked me.

From the Merriam Webster dictionary, "precious" means:
  1. of great value or high price
  2. highly esteemed or cherished
  3. excessively refined
  4. great or thoroughgoing (complete)
Reading this list once again brings tears to my eyes. That I'm so precious to the Maker of the universe. That amongst the wonders of creation, God looks out at me and calls me "precious". And when we really truly understand the meaning of what this word entails, it changes our perspective, our world view. The way we see ourselves, the way we see others, the way we look at circumstances knowing that whatever we're going through, it does not change who we are- precious in God's sight.

If we're able to look at each other with the true value that God has placed on us, things are gonna change. Relationships will be restored, friendships nurtured, loved ones seen in a whole new meaning and light. Abuse, divorce and wars will decrease because children, spouses and countries are precious. Human trafficking and sex slavery will not be an issue because lives are precious. Priorities will be reprioritized because the importance of friends and family far outweighs the temporal satisfaction of materialism and meaningless wealth. We may talk differently, act differently, behave differently because we cherish the ones before us. 

It also speaks on "self-love". That if God sees me as precious, I should carry myself in a way that's reflecting of how He sees me. To be patient with myself, to pay attention to my wants and needs, to say that it's ok to not be ok and that God will see me through. To not be so hard on myself, knowing there's grace in every season. To handle myself with kindness as how I handle the ones I love. 

So this year, let's be kind to ourselves because that's the heart of the Father for us. He is a good, loving and kind Father, therefore, that is our inheritance. Before we get out our new years resolutions,  rewrite new goals and re-dig old dreams, let's allow ourselves to sit in the comfortably of our own identities as precious children in the safe arms of a Father. And from there allow the dreams, visions, thoughts and plans to unfold. Flowing out of the certainty of our identity. Knowing that He will make all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). 

Bless you all and may you have a wonderful New Year!!! 2019 will be amazing!!!

Image may contain: sky, tree, mountain, outdoor and nature
Picture taken while driving nearby Mammoth Lakes during our road trip. 

Friday, November 23, 2018

My First Man

As I open my heart to the man You present before me
I can't help but let the tears fall free
The many years of waiting 
The many years of healing
Patiently holding on for the right timing

Keeping myself from casually dating
Controlling myself from playfully flirting
Never really dare dreaming
But always tenderly believing
That there was someone out there who was also waiting

Who kept and saved himself for the "right" one
Not awakening passion before it's right time
Allowing You to unravel me before him
Veil lifted and vision restored
The "beginning" of a tale of just "you and me"

With fresh eyes the pursuit begins
He stays unfazed through my struggles and confusion
Despite the age gap, the odd timing and the long distance
He pursues and persists, pushing past the awkwardness and piercing beyond the surface
He shows me a part of his heart that was meant to be filled only by me

So I think, I ponder and I pray
Still somewhat awestruck by all that's happen
Along with the flow I go
Starting to warm up to the comfortably of being with you
How you find your way into my brain countless of days at a time

9358 miles between us
Yet I feel  you closer than those around me
6 hours and 51 min of talking
Yet you're never tired of me
Rather you'd listen to me fall asleep, finding pleasure in that

And then I come across this song
"First Man" by Camila Cabello
I listen closely and halfway through have an epiphany
Like it was a song from me to God
Being aware that I was finally ready, ready to be in love

We come to the part where she sings "I promise he loves me, he'll never hurt me"
And remember how he gets sad whenever I'm sad
The tears turn into sobbing and from sobbing into weeping
The good kind of crying that brought release, healing, hope and relief
My fear of men fading

Is it even legal to pick parts of song and throw the rest away?
For I've never felt safe love from my earthly dad
But Daddy God, I feel you releasing me to him
Trusting him in his love and care for me
And I trust Your judgement because... 

"You were the first Man that really loved me"

Camila Cabello - First Man (Official Audio)

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

An Unfinished Process (BSSM 2nd Year)...

Hello!!! Hope this blogpost finds you well!! Attached here is an email I just wrote to my fund supporters on my journey in BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) and I would love to share it here with you guys too! Feel free to ask questions through the comments or email me at for more information. Any help whether through support, encouragements or finance is deeply and greatly appreciated! God bless!!! 

Dear all!!

I hope you are all doing well and constantly awed by the hands of our loving Father. Just a little life update, I have just graduated from my first year of BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Redding, California and am now enjoying my summer break back in Malaysia with dear friends and family. Just want to say a big thank you for all your support, be it through prayer, finance or encouragements. I am truly blessed by all of you!

During my First Year graduation, Bill Johnson the father of our house released a prayer of blessing, telling us graduates that "us" standing there was not just "us" ourselves, but it was a representation of many nations, families and people. That those who have covered us with prayer and finance were also represented there with us. He even went on to pray that all that we have learned will be supernaturally received and transferred to all of you and that what Bethel has not seen, we will see in our home countries and churches. It's unlike anything I have seen or heard before. Seeing a leader "fight" for many years to see revival in his city, only to release it to the nations of the world in hope that we will experience even more, really exemplifies God's heart for His kingdom.

The other good news is that I am honored to be accepted for my second year in BSSM!!! It is truly God, as my acceptance email came just few days after my interview, and I'm blown away by God's goodness and acceleration. Two of my friends have paid for my deposit and part of my tuition fee but I'm still in need of more funds for my complete tuition fee which is due 1st of August this year. 

I will like to once again invite you on this journey of my second year of BSSM. I have learned so much in my first year, more so than I can comprehend. And God has been opening doors and favor where I have brought a group of graduated first year students to a little village called Ontolob (in the North of Borneo) to speak to the youth of an almost forgotten tribe called Sandayo about their identity and how powerful of a people group they are. It was a wonderful time together, where we saw God replaced lies with the Truth, young ones being consumed and touched by the powerful presence of God and others making clear life choices in prioritizing their time with God. It was amazing!

Also, we went to speak to a youth group in Kota Kinabalu city where the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit was felt. Some received salvation for the first time while others were convicted and blessed by the message. Prophetic words were also given out, encouraging them to walk in their true identity. It is really evident that BSSM has helped us as students with a heart of revival see what we can do when we partner with Christ.

As for me personally, I realized that when I'm speaking or sharing now, it's no more just mechanical but I feel LIFE flowing out through me. It's so tangible that I know it is not by my own strength but through partnering with the Holy Spirit that this is achieved. There's still so much to do though. I hope to do more prophetic evangelism and invade my city with the love of God! I'll also be sharing in my home church about my past year in BSSM and the tremendous transformation God has done in and within me. I am truly a changed person. I hope to record the message, so do let me know if you want the recording and I can send it to you!

Forgive me for this substantially long email, but feel free to email me to ask anymore questions or about what I have learned thus far. I have received many dreams and prophecies about my second year and am hopeful for an even more adventurous year of discovering the heart of revival and what it means to live "Heaven on earth". Below are some photos of our mission trip after graduation plus the link for my tuition fee donation and personal account number for my expenses in Redding. No obligation though! Thanks once again for your support and keep in touch!!!

Love & Blessings,

Group photo of our Sandayo Youth Conference in June 2018. 

The team of BSSM first year graduates with Cikgu Jaman (centre), 
the leader who made all of these happen!

Last group photo of our Revival Group headed by our wonderful and powerful 
South African Pastor, Richard Gordon 
(bottom centre with the coolest dreadlocks)!!!

Link for tuition fee donation (due 1st of August 2018):

Link for living expenses (Malaysian Account):
Public Bank: 4895-3163-14

May God continue to bless you above and beyond and may you go from glory to glory to glory!!!! The only way from here is up!!!! Bless y'all! :D 

Saturday, March 3, 2018

It's OK Not to be OK

Something that has been "astounding" me in the past week is how people here in the US will tell you they're "not OK" when they're really not. First it was surprising and then it became intriguing because back home in Malaysia, we almost NEVER say we're not ok. Any typical conversation will go like this:

A: Hi! How are you?!
B: Good! Everything is good....

When obviously something is not OK (based on their countenance) and then you're forced to guess what's truly happening in that persons world. Is it their boss? School? Spouse? Finances? Ministry stress? Boy-girl issues or just that time of the month again? Our compassion towards them then turn into an unnecessary burden-bearing that stems from an ungodly messianic nature, cos face it! We wanna save the entire universe but that was never God's plan for us cos He already did that. All we need to do is walk in-step with Him and live out our destinies alongside Him. When we realize we're not the Messiah and have no business filling that role, the pressure comes off. My mom could turn from a worrier to a (prayer) warrior, I don't have to be caught up in anxiety over my dad's health condition and salvation and I can trust that God has my sister and her destiny safely in the palm of His hand more than I could ever comprehend.

One important thing I learned here is that my emotions can serve as "warning flags" and show me how my heart is feeling, but it does not deserve the "driver's seat" of my life. I master my emotions, not the other way around. I do not deny them too, because that could bottle up and create an unforeseen volcanic eruption which may just hurt those closest to me.

I realize that I grew up super sensitive not because I was a problem child, but because it was a "gift" from God. I remember puking in front of a leader because I was feeling a religious spirit and being in the sick room the first two weeks of my high school "career" just cos it was Muslim dominated and although I tried my best to make things work, I just couldn't. I'm picking up on things in the Spirit that just wasn't mine. Reading books such as "Happy Intercessor" by Beni Johnson and "The Veil" by Blake Healy also helped tremendously.

A mentor told me that once I have the perception change in my head concerning my "gift of sensitivity" I could change the world!!!! How uplifting and relieving that felt! That I'm not a burden to those around me cos I'm picking up on stuff but it's God giving me permission to "see" or "feel" into the spiritual realm, that with the authority invested in me, I can speak to death whatever has to die and breathe life into what needs to live. I just love it!!! And so I'll share a song here that has deeply helped me in my years of growing pains and teenage bewilderment. It's really is ok to not be ok.... because God sees, He knows, He understands, and He would never let us stay in that state for too long. If only we allow Him in.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

A Rude Awakening

So I was brought up in a super conservative, super religious and a super full of the "fear-of-men" type culture. One being that I'm Asian, the other being that I was brought up in a country where Islam is the main religion, bringing shame which naturally seeps into every sphere of society, including the church.

Being raised in a single parent family did not help too. Because my dad was verbally abusive, my mom left him, bringing two young girls along. My sister was a newborn and I was almost three when the separation happened. The move was great, really helpful to our spiritual upbringing, but it did not help us in our "hormonal" upbringing. hahaha! You see, my mom's side of the family were filled with powerful women (mostly single), totally sold out to God. Naturally conveying the message that to be powerful for Jesus, it is better to be single (which is a total lie, now that I'm seeing) and that it's culturally normal and even accepted for men to be less passionate for Jesus than their spouse (another crazy lie we should just laugh at). Also, we have never talked about sex. 27 years of my life and not one word muttered (Ok, that maybe a little exaggerating. Maybe we did talk about it when '50 Shades' came out, and how we discussed that was not how sex was created to be, end of story).

With that said, I was brought up thinking that every christian is a virgin until marriage, up until I came to BSSM. Man did I have a great "Rude Awakening" from the Lord! To fly all the way from Asia to America to have a cultural shock was great in itself, but to realize that most Christians have already had multiple sexual encounters with multiple sexual partners was mind blowing to my "religious" brain. Benji Nolot. director of Nefarious (a documentary about sex trafficking and sex culture- you should go watch it) said that there are two points that hinders the advancement of the Kingdom.

1. Sexual Immorality.
2. Taking Offense

Easy to say that I have passed the first test with flying colors, it's been really tricky to navigate through not taking offense too easily when I see my pals "not living up to the standard God has called us to walk in". It was something I had to desperately ask God for help in, because I realise that most of my most precious and closest friends here at BSSM were not virgins, and if God could look at them as spotless and forgiven, who am I to hold a grudge on them and hold them accountable to their past sins? I'm not God, therefore I'm not judge, and so all I have to do is ask God how He see'd them and look at them through the eyes of my Father. There goes my "ideal marriage" of marrying a virgin! hahaha! But I also took a stupid vow when I was 12 to not marry a guy with tattoos. It's kinda backfiring right now, cos I so want a tattoo too (Seriously! Got the word and spot and "yes" from God more than three times now. All I need now is the finance! lol!)

You see, I'm all about revival. My heart beats for the things of God and I wanna go where He wants me to go, marry the man He says "yes" to, reach a lost generation and fight against human trafficking. However, if I'm gonna allow my religious background to continuously take offense at the things of the world, it's really gonna hinder me from doing the Father's will. Jesus spent most of His time with sinners, prostitutes and tax collectors (corrupt government) and although He hated the sin, He never once hated the sinner. Instead, He chose to look in the face of  "ugliness" and say "I love you". #mindblown

So I asked my Revival Group Pastor, how do I not take offense yet at the same time seek to be understood. And he gave four simple steps (yes, christian principles need not be rocket science):

1. Never Assume
2. Seek to Understand
3. Be Understood
4. Find a Resolution

Don't need to come in with too much emotion. Look at the person through the eyes of Jesus. And just love. If Jesus can forgive His betrayers, we can too. And so even as I'm walking through this "Rude Awakening" I'm super grateful to God that He has placed the right mature people around me for such a time as this. And for this I'm eternally grateful. God is so understanding, He's blowing my mind!

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Jesus, Help Me

Coming to BSSM is more than I could comprehend. Help me, Jesus.

On the side note: Please leave a comment if you're reading so I know people are reading and so I can continue posting, cos I'm really not sure whose reading but I wanna know. Hope to be more interactive with my viewers cos bringing people along on this journey is way cool!!! Also, does anyone know how to link Instagram here? Cos it's way easier with that app now, plus you get to see cool photos of whoever I'm talking about! (With their consent of course). Happy Chinese New Year to those back home, and Happy Valentines!