Monday, December 31, 2012

My 2013 Resolution

"I want to know Your heart"...♥

6 simple words that could change our world. By realizing the true meaning of it, we see ourselves through the eyes of our Father and what He wants for us and so much more, these 6 words suddenly felt like the world to me. He sees more to me than what I see of myself and my future. My identity and accomplishments (past, present & future) are mirrored in His heart. Now, I just have to keep knowing....

My new year's revolution for 2013 even as the clock strikes 12 later, it may seriously change my perspective of life and in turn- THE WAY I LIVE.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Abuse and detoxification

Abuse and then detoxification
Stuff and things that have happened
Polluting things off its origin
Making it "fit" into what we believe in

In the taxi on the way to college's library
I hear some cars honking
The horn was invented for safety
But now we decide that it's unnecessary

We hear the honk and we get scared
When it's suppose to warn us for safety
Instead we glimpse with fury at the driver
"Why on earth did he do that?!" we wonder

Or how we acknowledge and describe the way God moves
Because He did not work in our "own" preconceived way
Doesn't mean that we should blanket it
Making sure He doesn't do it with other people

The subtle change or way of thought
Thinking its minor but its actually abuse
Makes a whole world of difference
In this we never gave a second thought

Abuse is always or most of the time
Paired with the words "physical" or "verbal"
But how about the way we think?
Are there such things as the abuse of "thoughts"?

Belief shapes paradigm
And paradigm shapes perspective
Which ultimately shapes our actions
So is it time for a paradigm shift?

To not think we know it all
Because only God knows it all
And even with that He chose to keep the "end of the world" -unknowingly
Does that speak of humility?

"Unknowingly" as in, the ultimate secret
I know it may not make any sense
But I'm thinking real hard
And allowing the detoxification to sink in

Its just that sometimes we become so sure of ourselves
Secured in the pattern of thought we have
Deleting every other truth that may come
Just because it did not align to our personal experience

My Pastor once taught me to not "blanket" a certain way
Onto everything else that may seem logically "swayed"
Like most of the world who would conventionally say
Because God is not limited by my thoughts or my "way"

So now in this serious state of being "mentally challenged"
I just have to allow God to move in His own way
The "abuse" may have been done
But then detoxification can also be done

So I'll just allow myself to soak in His LOVE
Knowing that it is not the end of the world
For my Father in Heaven- the future He holds
And for that I'm fully secured even if all else fails....

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

One Vicious Cycle

One vicious cycle
That's what it looks like
Something drowned and entangled so deep
Of it you really don't know what to think

They say "Second Chances"
Are the chances Grace gives
But what if someone takes that for granted?
How far would Grace comply?

Caught up in this vicious cycle
Trying to come out of it untangled
But for flesh and blood is entangled
How would I come out of this unmangled?

I look up and "believe" that God is in control
Not knowing whether my belief is genuine or artificial
It has come to this point where situation seems beyond all hope
Making it hard to even believe in Hope

"The abused CANNOT help the abuser"

Something I learned about inner healing
Unnecessary help and mercy
May just come in the way of God's glory
What's right to us is not necessarily right to God

How do you help a person
Who burns the one who helps
How do you help a person
When he's too proud to accept help

Even to the point of death
Evil seems to have a hold on him
Disillusioned in his lonely world of "one"
No one can speak into him

Irrationality clouds his mind
As he demands for 24-hour attention
Whining about how no one cares for him
When those who care only gets hurt

Manipulative in a subtle manner
You won't realized that you are drained
Of your emotions, efforts and intentions
You get sucked in turning the victim

As legal papers are signed
And law and constitutions come in
What seems to be the hard way
May turn out to be the only way

That he needs God
And not fame, riches or pride
The last has brought him to where he is today
But there's still no sign of repenting

I don't know what to think, say or pray
For God has been there and has  never forsake
All I can do now is keep having Faith, Hope and Love
And believe that one day we will all get out of this
One vicious cycle....

Friday, December 7, 2012

In Awe and In Wonder

In awe and in wonder of who my God is
How did this feeling bud?
By sitting down on that hostel car park divider
Kinda my favorite spot to sit when I have the extra time
(especially after midnight where less people's around)
Realizing the times where real significant conversations took place there

I sit down and gaze at the stars
Resting, breathing, reflecting
On why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling
Even after a long day's work
With stress, emotions and a never ending to-do lists
5 more assignments and a big prayer run tomorrow
Deadlines not reached, deserving of "red cards"
But Grace comes in and occupies that void
I understand why I'm here again

Realizing that with God everything and anything is possible
Can't believe that you could do so much and go non-stop
Yet not feel drained out or passed out
But feel such a sense of fulfillment
When God replaces all your "agenda"

Started with a good conversation with my dear Pastor
Where she talked and walked me through this phase of a major transition in life
Having "accidentally" sat through a fire prevention talk which was very helpful indeed
Funny part is, my friend and I thought this was a talk by some outside preacher
On how to maintain the FIRE of God in church
When it was actually some fire department guy teaching on the prevention of fire accidents
The irony! (LOL)

Had lunch with part of the full time team
Who happen to be very wonderful friends
And some of the closest actually
Really look up to them
So easy-going, fun-loving and approachable
One even "found" me the first night of college I felt so "lost" in hostel

Then I was off to print some prayer cards for the run in college tomorrow
RUNTAR in fact, a smaller version of the "life-changing" run: RUNNAT!
Was real excited and thought I could get the printing done by half an hour
Ended up staying there for about 3 hours because they won't do the cutting for me
Talk about flourishing business where they don't need to pay attention to minor details

Got such a headache after that phase
Finished an assignment with dear college bestie which was way overdue
Blood pumping in head, tried to focus on reading the last few touches
Got it printed and couldn't wait to get out of that confinement
Which confined me, my whole afternoon!

Rushed over to a friend's place for the last meeting for our waited run
Was totally excited about the run despite the different technicalities and utter confusion
Took a breather and realized that we were rewriting history
Being the first college to adopt this Prayer Run method
Realizing that news on this would and are already in the process of being covered
I STOP. and think. BECOMING more aware of what God is doing
And wondered how I ended up in it

Then rushed off to see a movie against my convenient liking
Secretly wanted to back out of this plan, planned long ago
For it was a movie I wouldn't choose on my own
But the fact that it's "quality" and not "academic" time with classmates
I went along instead dragging my feet on the inside of my heart

And to my surprise this movie caught my full attention I would say!
Hands down the best movie I have seen in 2012
Best movie in fact, on my list after "A Walk to Remember"
Which was seen years ago

The Kingdom truth and intelligent conversations
Reenacting what my dad once told me when I was a kid
When Pi believed in 3 different religions
Still young, still learning, in awe of the many gods
Pi's dad told him not to believe in everything
Because that way, you're not really believing in anything
I guess you know which movie it is now

I love it because it made me think
About this faith I have
And in what I'm really believing in

Not sure what the director was thinking
Or where he came from
The lessons he intended the viewers to take home
Vague but so appealing
To me at least
For that I'm still thinking

STRONG Kingdom truth
Embedded in what seems like a messy sort of confusion
He who has ears let him hear

The power of His irrational love for us
Director Ang Lee has gone beyond my expectation
Despite the Director of Brokeback Mountain not being my fave
This show made me see the creative and ingenious part of him
No wonder the many Academy Awards

I can go on and on and on and on about my day
But somehow somewhere I need to stop for here is not where I stay
I have to move on and not live in the past whether bad, good or awesome!
For my God is a never changing God
Making me realize more and more each day
Of what I blessed girl I am

Therefore to be in awe and in wonder of who I am and who my God is
Shall always be on my mind in a continuous state
For then is where......I AM TRULY LIVING 

Our very own RUNTAR prayer cards!!!

More that just a movie.

Just me being happy with babies!

Prayer Card image courtesy of Andrea Teo! A very dear friend and fellow committee of this RUNTAR 2012!!!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Ending a Season

Ending a season
That's what convocation does
It forces me to think back, relax
And ponder on how God has placed me here in TARC KL

The people, blessings and circumstances
All adding on to a bigger picture
A picture which I yet still can't see
Because my eyes can't behold the vastness of it

But God sees it
And He know the ending result
Where stronger strokes of paint
Resembles the hardship, tears and pain

While gentle strokes of freedom
Mixed with too much water
Gives it a softer feel
Of the times I just fly and soak in His love for me

Still can't believe its been over 2 years now
Since I left the comfort of my home
And the security of a "strong" shelter
Never expecting that SO much would happen in my 2 years here

I had my plans
But God had His too
And it's just so overwhelming
That He's plans are just mind- blowing

They say the best years of your life
Would be your college years
I'm seeing that and so much more
For a life lived for God reaches far greater and more

I'm still a work in progress
Still shaping, still learning
To be more Christlike
And to be able to mirror His heart

And at 21, it plays an even more significant role
Stepping into freedom where mom won't always be there
Where paying bills and washing clothes (on time) is a necessity
And finding my ultimate destiny truly lies on living by His Voice

It's a bit scary
But seeing Him see me through my diploma season
I've come to know that trusting Him would be my ultimate freedom
As I end this season, and go into the new......

Thank You Daddy, for all of Your blessings. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Jennifer Tai Photo artistry

So, I have always been interested in photography, especially ones with people inside. I love taking scenery's but there's just something about portraits and candid shots that seem to inspire me, giving me that inner feeling of being just grateful with life despite all the talk on how bad the world is becoming. Giving me a sense of Faith, Hope & Love. The Gift of the One in us (whether we're yet to discover it) shining through the glistening of the eyes...real magical and sometimes surreal indeed. Making me fall in love with my loved ones all over again and even strangers I see in pictures just because.....

So when I came across Jennifer Tai Photo Artistry's Facebook page, I just couldn't stop looking through the pretty pictures she took of families, weddings and babies. If I ever become a professional photographer (which I highly doubt), I'll wanna be someone like her, taking portraits of people all year round because unlike just capturing studio shots and wedding pictures, only depicting a present happiness, I can make time stand still, locked up with just a click, capturing that precious moment of love which stood against the test of time. Where outer beauty fades off, giving in to where true beauty lies- messy babies, wrinkled smiles, dirty children and "sick-in-love" older or even young couples. True beauty defined. 




Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Impossible

Signs of the impossible starts happening again
When I thought I could have breath a sigh of relief
It jerks me back up again
Letting me know that its not over and done with

With too many similar signs it's starting to scare me
On earth it seems irrelevant, unattainable and illogical
But somehow somewhere in the realm of the Supernatural
I have a feeling that things are orchestrating to the beat of God's heart

It can be mental torture
To think, think and yet think again
To go into a cycle of illusion 
Which may bring to perceived disillusion

I'm tired of these signs, dreams and impressions
All leading to that same "someone" again
When the matter of the fact is
That it cannot happen for he's already taken

Now all I can do
Is sigh at Heaven
Why this, why now?
Why all over again

I shall guard my heart
And keep my hopes in check
But at the same time not allow a defense mechanism
To block me from receiving true love when it really comes

God, help me in this state of uncertainty
To believe that it will go both ways and not just my way
That when the whole situation does not make any sense 
I will still hold on to the God above common sense

Whether it really happens or not
Whether what we saw was actually what You revealed
May I not take this experience and point a finger at You
But may I be reassured that You are forever faithful

And so I shall continue to believe in The Impossible...

Friday, November 9, 2012


Stumbled upon this song and just fell in love with it. Have been playing it on repeat for the past week already, and am still not bored, lol! Never knew that Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys had such an intimate relationship with God! So its not that bad after all with the music industry filled with people like this unashamed of their relationship with God and not compromising on their values and beliefs. By the way, one of the Wonder Girls also said that the songs repeating on her mp3 now is Hillsongs! Praise Jesus! :D

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
To see Your first step, hear Your very first word
Tell me, did You ever fall and scrape Your knee?
Did You know Your wounds would one day heal the world?
For just one moment
I wish I could have seen You growing
Learning the ways of a carpenter's son
Just a little boy gazing at the stars
Did You remember creating every one?
If you passed by, would I have seen a child or a King?

Would I have known?
I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
When You left Your footprints upon the waves
To walk along beside You and never look away
Just Your whisper and the wind and sea obey
To see You feed the people 
To feel Your healing in Your touch

I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

To hear you pray in the garden alone
Laying down Your will with each tear
To see You walk that lonely road
Willing to die for me
And in that moment
I know I should have been there
You took my cross and gave Your life
And you live again, oh
And You live again!

Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You rise again
Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, Jesus, face to face

Someday I'll be there, I'm gonna be there
I'll see Your face, Your mercy, Your grace
Someday, someday
I'm going to see You, Jesus

Face to face

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

External Dictation

External Dictation
That's what I seem to be seeing
(And I'm tired of it)
We live our lives
Based on outward signs
Rather than inward convictions
We act in a "certain" way
Joke in a "hurtful" way
Confront in an "emotional" way
Defend in a "justifiction" way
And forget about living His way
We whine and sulk about how life's treating us
How people misunderstand us
How it is not fair
How things are not how they are suppose to be
And how we ever ended up in that state of despair

We go on and on and on
Blaming everyone else
Circumstances and situations
Our upbringing and family backgrounds
Justifying the way we are living

Never realizing that we're so self-centered
When we think the way that we think
Victimizing ourselves
Blaming it on others
When the blame should be on the devil

We allow external dictatorship
To tell us who we should love
Who we should be in a relationship with
How we should treat or joke about someone
Or basically how we should live our lives

External dictatorship comes in all forms
Circumstances and situations
Misunderstood confrontation
And dysfunctional accountability
Sucking the lives out of us when in the right context
All the above should be really helping us

For all I know Oprah Winfrey was molested as a child
And look where she is now
She didn't allow external circumstances dictate her future
Something we can actually learn from her
To not sulk, dwelling on the past
But to press on towards a bright future

Plus as a child of God
I have more to believe in and to be happy about
For this I shall:
Stop behaving in a pitiful way
Of allowing external things, circumstance or sayings
To dictate my thoughts, beliefs and actions
I shall look inward
To the One who shall dictate where I should go
And not allow external dictations to dictate me no more...

"We don't have a right to have a thought in our mind that isn't in the heart of God." ~ Bill Johnson.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Open Doors & so much more

Open doors and so much more
The things happening in my life
Leads to what He stands for
Answered prayers, no more insecure

Realized my jerking and dancing in the Spirit
Took away the 'joyful' part of me for a 'minute'
The confusion and disillusion
The many questions and not so helpful interventions

Been praying for 'open doors'
Since all my life (as a Christian)
"God bring them to me, it'll be easier that way
then me forcing You down their throat." I pray

And so a dear friend of mine
Shares how just in her 3 short months as a Christian
Have been experiencing open doors
Here, there and everywhere

Despite the odds and challenges she faces
She obeys.
Preferring things to slow down a bit
She reluctantly follows His voice
(But it still works!)

Sharing with me on how a 'neighbor' got saved
Through her 'visible' jerking
And how a taxi driver paid her
For the prophecy and prayer she gave

I was 'jealous' and wanted that
Facebook chatted with her to ask to pass me the anointing
And at that very moment received a timely message
From a 'treasure' we found from Treasure Hunt

And in it was a message from a girl from Iran
A friend of a friend (our founded trasure) 
Asking me about Christ and Church
Hungry for the knowledge of my King

And so that open door came
A huge, big one which opened right in my face
Confirming for the 'hundredth' time that I belong to my church
Despite the many many skeptical thoughts

Brought her to church
Didn't have to do much work
For it was all His doing
And my part in just obeying

So be careful of what you ask for
For when God answers and speaks
He leads you in tremendous ways
Just like how I met my open door

Monday, October 1, 2012

Fear of the Future

No more fear of the future
I think of this I'm quite sure
As I have this liberation
Of having no more tension

Gripped by the fear of not making it
Of being a cleaner or a sweeper
Deceptive thoughts that crept in
Crippling me in that present moment

Confidence lost
And victorious thoughts gone
I seep into this subtle depression
A world where I end up a failure

But I'll never reach my future
Two girls once told me
For when I've reached it
I have my "next" future to "fear" about

So there is no point
In worrying for something
That may never be of realization
For when it comes in motion

I'll be able
For my God is able
I'll be calm in the storms
And strong against the winds

The past months I tried looking, feeling and being happy
But deep down you know it's just all in the making
Right now, I'm totally sick with a bad sore throat
But deep down I feel peace and in the knowing

That my God holds the Universe
My future career, happiness and husband :P
My destiny belongs to Him
Fitting in His palm

And for that I can be reminded of Jeremiah 29:11
Being so sure of the fact that He is sure of my future
Although I'm quite clueless at the moment
via my opera
I have no more fear of the future....

Friday, September 28, 2012

It. Is. REAL.

It is REAL.

The feelings I had in the last semester
The doubts, the pain, the negative wonders
The insecurities deduced to mere "hallucinations"
Were way real than what I thought they would be

How do I know?

The absence of it paints a clear picture
Of how "presently" real it was back then

Now I can smile without pretending
Laugh without having that weird plastic face feeling
And sing like I'm soaring

That I wasn't hallucinating
But actually going through a wilderness
I didn't know and acowledge

Knowing that even in this present darkness
I can see my precious God
And realize that He's taking me out of this phase
Into His marvelous light

I won't doubt that I am weak

Sometimes as a leader
We put up a strong front
Like it's a crime to have feelings
To be real and raw
To be vulnerable and weak to those around you

I've come to realise that its not "just me"
But a part of life
We were wired that way
With emotions and feelings
After the fall of Adam
The negatives of life comes with the package
But my God took that package and redeemed a better one for me

And as a redeemed person
I am partaking of His goodness
Happy and content with where and who I am

So in this I shall be confident
That I'm not some weird person with crazy emotions
Cos I realized that just like me
Most of my friends have these feelings behind closed doors too

So I don't have to worry
Cos as much as I feel bad, sad, tired or neglected
I will eventually feel good, happy, refreshed and accepted
In Christ and in those that He has placed around me

Because..... It. Is. REAL.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Reflections, pains and gains...

As I sit here typing this out
I know that it's my last day in KK somehow
With the need to pack and fly off later
I still can't fathom how aerodynamics can allow me to be here this moment
And transport me there in the matter of hours

Now I'm here
Next thing I'm there
The past few months have been more than just dry
Dry's not the word
Maybe more like the struggle to survive

Because I still feel God
Very much tangible in fact
But that's the thing!
It's all the  jerking, laughing and shaking
Second-guessing the manifested intention

Then there's this whole end-of-diploma dilemma
Should I continue or should I not
Counting the pros and the cons
The time spent and how much the cost
Would suddenly leaving, halt me at a lost?

Also the identity issue
Why I'm not that pretty
Or not that tall
"I'm putting on weight! "
Focusing on what is all wrong

And then the issues societies face
The background clashes
Not sure what to stand for
Everything can be backed up by Word
But what does God say about these?

So a tough sem led me into a tough sem break

Whatever the reason
Ended up sleeping for up to 14 hours
Body clock turned upside down
Diminishing my holiday plans
Of the many things I wanted to do

Coming back this round also opened my eyes
To the things God is doing in my state KK
The significance of the mountain, the rituals, the race
All adding up to the all-knowing facet of my King
Makes me wonder, am I here to stay?

Which then again leads me back to a huge unnecessary problem
What would I do in the future?
Should I still study journalism if I don't want to be a journalist?
Would I ever end up being a "somebody"?
Cos the lie incepted is that I'll end up a nobody

Which reminds me and bring me back to the first few struggles mentioned earlier
The MAJOR one in fact
Stupid "fear-of-the-future"
Crippling me so bad
Disabling my happiness of living in the present

And I realize all these problems and negativity
Are kinda intertwined as a whole
If I'm affected spiritually
My emotional and physical side will be affected eventually
Far worst when it comes mentally

Loosing all confidence in who I am
And what I believe in
Is the stand I'm taking really worth standing for?
Shaken to the bone
Feeling all alone

Oh ya, and the unnecessary attention I'm getting
All from the wrong places when I'm wishing the right
Making me go dizzy
I shall not put up a fight
But what time would it be when the "time is right?"

And the request/demand to actually move out
Out of hostel to a more "homely" place
Something I'd never do at my own wish
With the great things and happenings
I don't wanna miss whatever God's doing

Turning 21 has been crazy.
Funny it seems.
Ironic to my previous post.

What should I do? Who would I be?

When questioned wrongly
Opens a door for the enemy to be grimmy
To feed on that one thought
Expanding and furthering it
Into a whole lie that could even take lives

It's also hard when the people you confide in
Are there but no more there
Feelings evoke sticky situations
Allowing lots of misinterpretations
Maybe I shall keep it all in

But through this over doze of depressing thoughts I remember my Savior
And what He has done on that cross
This one paragraph can defeat all the other negatives
Saved by Grace through faith
In abundance I shall live

The devil may have been happy up til the last paragraph
But I will keep fighting cos I want to be like that post shared on Facebook
I wanna....

I shall fight against my weakness
Cos if handled well could be my greatest strength

I can look at 21 and say: "Hang in there you're still young, so just bear another few decades of striving and surviving in that state of the coming unknown, gripped by the fear of marriage, status and looks. The struggle to survive in a down-trodden economy. To have the simplest life you can, not rich, not poor, just enough with the absence of risks."

Or I can look at 21 and say:" You know what? you're only 21 and even though you've experienced a fair much don't let it stop you from experiencing so much more! The wonders of the unknown kept in the safe palm of your Dad and God. The greatest guarantee is not in money, health or who'll you marry. But the greatest guarantee is your hope in God. And that'll be the only guarantee you'll ever need. And eventually, everything will fall nicely but not perfectly into place. Things need not be perfect, this shall I remind you because when we envision a picture-perfect life, it sends us into a never ending delusion to fight for perfection. So what with the economic downturn. Don't forget who your Daddy is. There will be pain, strains and struggles but rest assured that you'll come through. Never ever second-guess your existence. You were made for a great destiny and so much more. So when the divine timing comes, you won't find the perfect husband, job or reputation. But you will find the right husband, job and have the right reputation. As long as you stay close to Jesus, know who your Father is and know that the Holy Spirit is there to assist you 24/7. Oh ya, and you are beautiful. Don't let the world tell you otherwise. In the meantime, choose to be wise for the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalm 111:10. Be rest assured in Him."

I hear people entering a mid-life crisis in their 30's, 40's or even 50's wondering who and why they are on earth. From sacked professionals to this unemployed pastor with 3 kids. It really scares me, seeing I'm so caught up in a huge identity crisis when I already know where my identity lies in. Then I divinely stumble across this gem just minutes ago that...

Because I have already been found by the One who knows it all. And I'm just on the brink of discovering the greatness and hidden talents of whats on the inside of me because of the One living in me. And I have my whole lifetime to keep discovering... And that is just a pleasant matter of fact.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The more I seek You

The more I seek You
The more I find  You

The more I find You
The more I love You

I want to sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breath
Feel Your heart beat

This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming...

Till the day I can feel and lay on Your chest tangibly, I shall savor You  in every other way that I can...

Song lyrics by Kari Jobe, photo via

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Turning 20

Turning 20. A drafted title lost and buried under the many titles I see on my posts lists. (Talk about procrastination) Being lazy to find it, I shall just retype this post title and get along with it. But its not just mere procrastination here, I mean, I am a great procrastinator (something I'm not proud of) but never to this extend. I have broken my own record - procrastinating for more than 360+ days. Somehow, I feel that blaming ''procrastination" may be unseen for because deep down I know that ''procrastination" is not the culprit here but rather "Gerontophobia". Yep! Googled to find the real term for "the fear of getting old" and I got that.

I guess turning 20 really scared me because it was a "one-step-forever-taken/no chances of going back" out of my teen hood and into adulthood. No more being sweet sixteen, or nineteen really scared me. Scared me enough to delay blogging about if for a year. Not sure why I felt that way. Maybe it was the fear of more heavy responsibilities. Maybe it was the fear of not being able to whine or get things my way like how I used to when I was a kid. Maybe because by law I would be charged with a heavier sentence if I ever commit any crime compared to the leniency if I was still under 18. (Just kidding! Not going to happen :P) Maybe it was the fear of my future and everything that comes with it. Maybe it was the fear of not being able to act goofy, gullible and wacky at the same time all in the name of fun rather than to look stupid. I really don't know. But one thing's for sure. I didn't want to turn 20. Rather, I thought of Peter Pan and his good fortune of never aging.

But one day short of a year later, I'm starting to realize that with a true understanding of this God-given life and the beauty that comes with it, I'll be able to age with grace. Maybe even grow into someone more beautiful as I grow older not because I'll have money to buy cosmetics to doll myself up but because I'll mature in the things of God and know more and more of my true identity, worth and value in Christ. To see the true beauty that my Father sees in me. To be what I've been hoping and praying to be, a Proverbs 31 woman.

I'll be turning 21 tomorrow and I'll be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But in this past one year, so many wonderful things have happened in my life that it leaves almost no room for doubt, knowing that God's got my back! As long as I'm in my Savior's plan, not doing things my way but His, even the fear of the future goes away and I'll  be living right in the centre of His appointed destiny for me with life in abundance that it'll just blow my mind far reaching beyond what I've ever dreamed of or imagine.

People say turning 21 is like finally receiving your key to freedom and independence. Some people even buy real key charms to wear as a resemblance. My mom got one for me but she made sure it got paired up with an additional cross to resemble that I'm never doing it alone, always putting God first in my life. I love her so!!!

If I were still the same me a year ago, I might even go into a minor hypertension-anxiety phase thinking that I would never be able to make it in life. But I'm a year older now and a tad wiser by the grace of God and I shall walk into being 21 with confidence knowing that God is by my side. Which reminds me of a sentence I saw in my sister's devotion that made me come to terms with my Gerontophobia and the unknown future that comes with it. "That there are no guarantees in life unless you are committed to God. Because that is the greatest guarantee you can hope for, which also happens to be the only one you will ever need because it guarantees you things and happenings far beyond you've ever imagined." Therefore I shall not fear getting old but be excited of what God's going to do in me and through me in the years to come!! Excited to be turning 21!!! PEACE!

I got saboed turning 20!!!

Part of the best gifts God has given to me :)

Bullied.....and bullied :p

PS: I wouldn't have put these photos up a year ago, but with a more secure me now, I really don't mind! Had lots of crazy fun btw! But fingers crossed, sure hope I'll be spared this time. A girl's gotta feel beautiful on her birthday don't you think?! 

And just to spare you the eye sore of weird pictures of me splashed with water, flour and cream....


Friday, April 20, 2012

I need You

I feel lousy right now
And that's why I need You here somehow
Although sometimes I've vowed
To never think bad or look down
On my circumstances and whereabouts
Somehow I just end up sitting here in a sulk

I hold myself from blaming ministry
From blaming the situations I'm in
Or the circumstances I get thrown into
Looking back it seems like I've grown a lot
But how much have I actually grown?

The talk with mom this morning
Was very very eye opening
Events and before the beginning of me and deb
History untold kept tight and unfold
Suddenly like a ram with tiny unseen cracks
Bursting out in a full force measure
Something I can't quite take and swallow
Rushing waters at a speed so fast
Emotions go untame but I stay in control
I need to be strong

To grow up I should
Thinking of the way and the journey this far
It has not been easy and I'm amazed at the outcome
God is good.
God is soveriegn.
And He knows best.

But regret does come in
Was I ever a good older sister?
An obedient daughter?
Sometimes I wished to redeem myself
But the pass is the pass
No point crying over spilt milk
Or undoing what had already been done
Or doing what is undone
Wait, I can still do the latter!

So there I was sucked up in the mesh of emotions
Should I go home? Go over to Dad's? Or go for prayer?
None of which I momentarily preferred

Started pacing around
Something not good at all
Then I started talking to You
Tried to praise You in song but words didn't come out
Figuring out the words of a song in my head
How did it go again?
And there it was like a wind that hits so fast
Goosebumps all over my arms and legs
Not unlike anything that has never happened before
But something so new and fresh, raw yet real
You caught me offguard with that speed You were coming at
I stand amazed
You don't need to hear words off my lips
Yet You read what's written on my heart
Right there in the centre of Your awe-inspiring presence
Letting me realize that You're here for me
You've always been
Making me feel so even more sure that
I need You............ desperately.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Confirmation to control thoughts!

 Browsing through Facebook after scripting my Conscious-subconscious Virtual Reality post!

Conscious-subconscious Virtual Reality

I look at the fan above us
Hearing the squeaking sound it makes
Trying not to picture the loose wires inside
Afraid that it would not hold and just fall

I look at his wardrobe's four legs
Two of them missing
Though leaned on the wall
How does it hold weight still standing?

I look at the carpet we're sitting on
Sponge-less arrayed with ugly holes
A bug ripped of it's wings or a giant ant?
How long has it made it its deathbed?

I look at his work shirt I bought him
New it should still be looking
But ball pen stains trickled his chest pocket
Looking like a sentimental shirt grandpas can't let go off

I look at the pants he's wearing
Thought he shortened one of his old long ones
Turned out to be trash being rid off
From a housemate he chased out

I look at his legs
Pains me to see them all scratched and skinny
The impact, motions and toughness they went through
Trying to erase the mental picture of him in a wheelchair

As I sit there and listen, to the "good" news, the bad news and the becoming's of him. I can't help to slightly giggle and laugh-an uncontrollable me. Smirking in defeat, not the kind where you feel superior, but the kind tinged with a semi-sigh, I think to myself for the first time, are all this for real? For that split second as subconsciousness entered my conscience, "Is this real? Am I dreaming? Is this virtual or reality? I feel like I'm watching a drama unfold before me". I think to myself, wondering whether these is all that I've been through for more than 2 decades of my life, not like I'm on the outside looking in, but more like being behind a production complete with video cameras and lights, the umbrella thingy's for proper lighting and the long head mics above. Virtual happenings turned believable reality. Catching myself from entering a subtle building of hallucination, I realize that this was my defense mechanism, an on-off button flipping at any right moment, adapting to the present environment. Not allowing fear to enter in, I brushed off the harmful thoughts that tried to protect me, thoughts that came in out of a certain "nowhere", disguising itself as a form of defense, tricking me into a battlefield where my side of the battle was many times lost, the Battlefield of the Mind.

Snapping myself out of the subconsciousness creeping into my conscious, I craft my swift prayer as thoughts, "God, I trust in You. I don't know when or how he'll ever change, but I put my trust in You. But even the word trust right now, has an ambiguous meaning for me. What does trust actually mean? I shall google it later. Do I put trust in You for his eternal destiny? Or do I trust in the trust that I'm putting in You? Whether that trust is actually trusting you in the first place or just a word I've come to learned through people and church? Do I even know what it means or how it feels to TRUST? ". And then fear accompanied by slight flickers of the words 'future' and 'work' comes in and I put a stop to it before it went too far. I need to trust God right now even if I don't truly understand, especially with the half-here-not-there kinda state I was in. I reasoned to myself knowing that I have gone passed the "Why me?" stage of my family circumstance, but now it has gone to "It is really me and what shall I do about it and how can I see God work with me through it?" Reality hits and every negative thought of it being a mind game dissipates.

This I've learned, that I need to take control of my conscious thinking and also my subconscious. To not allow virtual thinking grab hold of my reality turning it into an "acceptable" comfort-covered disgusting lie. I need to submit my thoughts to God and give Him the control of everything and anything that's happening in me and around me, to trust in Him even though earthly situations don't align. That even though I may not know fully how to, by faith I shall do, surrendering my thoughts, my plans, my future, my life into His hands, and especially the people that means the most to me. To understand that He is ALL-KNOWING, knowing what runs through my head whether it's the conscious, subconscious, virtual or reality.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Treasure Hunt

Treasure Hunt tonight was mind-blowing! I don't know where to start. We got different clues and so many hits! It however didn't start on a high note for me. I accidentally got locked out of my room and had no access to my keys, phone, purse and bag. " How would I write down my clues without a pen and notebook?" Looked at the time and decided against the hassle of getting a spare key from the guards cos it was late and I didn't want to be late. Had thoughts, comments and doubts about Treasure Hunting because the flesh came in. Bumped into a friend who said that my state was exactly what Jesus told the disciples to do when they went out taking nothing for their journey except a staff- no bread, no bag, no money and wear sandals but not an extra shirt. The humour and irony :P
So I rushed off for a quick dinner with a dear friend and walked to church. Was asked to be a leader this night and I had 3 others in my team. Was a but frightful. Prayed individually and received different clues. Got together and combined our clues which were separated into 5 categories: Name, needs, appearance, location and others. We had blue shirt, blue slippers, i phone, cancer, stomach ache, loose (something, anything like hair or shoelace) , the color red etc. Location was Jusco!
The moment we entered Jusco, there were so many red signs and people in blue shirts everywhere!!! Where do we start? We found our first treasure- blue shirt, blue slippers with an i phone in hand. Come on!! Showed him the clues we wrote down earlier and with hands on hips he asked, " So how do you all get this ah?" It is GOD! Asked him whether he had any  pain, he had a stomach ache the previous night. We offered to pray for him but he was reluctant and said it was fine. Although we didn't get to pray for him, we walked out of that shop faith boosted knowing there were greater things ahead.
We then went to the lower ground and one team member immediately pointed to 2 girls passing by who looked familiar. They didn't resemble any of our clues but we felt a leading. After chasing them down, we found out they were friends of some friends who were Christians too. And we shared with them John 15 about the vine and branches and it was very timely for them. They were both serving in church, leading actually in worship and dance and were seeking further directions and these were God's confirmation for them. As I was watching them, tears just welled up in my eyes and I did not understand. God then revealed that He was so please with them that He was filled with tears of joy for them. Released it to them and they had tears too. They were so encouraged and encouraging at the same time that I could not believe it. Found more mutual friends and common ground throughout our conversation and by the way, we realized earlier that one girl was holding a red bottle and the other holding a red bag in which the red bag clue was confirmed and written on our team mates paper. They were part of our treasures!!! They told us that they have heard of these but never thought that they would actually be real "treasure" actually hunted down. God speaks to  believers and pre-believers alike and Treasure Hunt is for all!
Another significant one is where we met 3 very interested Iranians. As we were chatting with them introducing ourselves and telling them about our clues, I felt urged to ask about a family need. We told them that God wants to bless them and we would like to pray for them asking them for prayer requests. To our surprise they gave very specific ones. One guy asked for prayer for his brother in Iran who had.....cancer! One of my clue! I couldn't believe it! His girlfriend had stomach aches and her brother had a problem with his visa. Talked to them more and got to know them better. They were interested in coming to church! Prayed for them, changed contacts and saw them leave with big smiles on their faces. It's amazing the way God works so Divinely, am in total awe of His manifesting power!
Good Crazy things didn't just happen with our team. There were teams who prayed for a person in a wheel chair who felt heat in her legs, another who left early but came back suddenly saying " I feel like I'm going to fly and this heat in my heart" tell me what the bible says and so much more! I feel that there is really a great breakthrough in the spiritual atmosphere and all this happened just as doubt crept into my mind about Treasure Hunt. Amazing how God works and throws up back on perspective ay?
It would be too long a blogpost if I write down everything and the way I feel but I believe this is just a start of the many blogsposts on the more Treasure Huntings to come. Have your way dear Lord! I want to be Your Treasure Hunter and a true believer! Come on, more Lord!
The Ultimate Treasure HuntTreasure Hunts incorporates the use of words of knowledge (clues) that you write on your Treasure Map to find Treasures (people) who need a supernatural encounter with God through an encouraging prophetic word or healing. This is not about preaching or arguing with people, but rather giving them a practical demonstration of the goodness of God. Treasure hunts are a great tool for those who have felt intimidated by witnessing to family members, friends, co-workers, and those in the community. Through this fun and easy method you become empowered with confidence and competence to bring supernatural encounters to people around you. Through treasure hunts you can become a world changer, transforming your community one encounter at a time!
For more information, read Kevin Dedmon's book, The Ultimate Treasure Hunt, published by Destiny Image, 2007.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

God's Promises

Psalm 116, verses 1 and 2
I love the Lord because he hears my voice
And my prayer for mercy
Because he bends down to listen
I will pray as long as I have breath!

Reading the NLT version in plain english
Helps me to understand sometimes
More of the Father's heart  for me

When I pray and talk to Him
He doesn't just hear me from heaven
But stoops down to listen to a gentle plea of His daughter
As I whisper into His ear
Deep down I'm so sure that He is near

It's like when fear and doubt of the unknown
Takes a hold of you something you can't control
Like when you leave your family for college
Or when a pastor says He'll be flying more often

You breathe out a shaky breath
Thinking what can I do without them here?
But God reaches down from His throne
And makes His plans and promises for us known

And now I know that I'm not holding onto His promises by a thread
But my fingers are starting to gain strength tugging it closer
I want it to eventually stay close in the palm of my hands
Fingers gripped fervently around it
Not even the one who steals, kills and destroys can come in between

Dear God, 
Help me trust and believe in the plans and promises You have revealed to me
To believe that a revelation will form into realization and than an actualization
That when I truly and fully understand my identity and entitlement because of You
I can achieve anything and everything that I set my heart and faith up to
Bring me back to a safe environment where I can dream childlike dreams again
Open my eyes to a world with no limitations
Take me into the Heavens where I can access what I can't on earth
And bless whoever is reading that they may achieve the dreams you have set for them too
That they may enter the fullest capacity of Your chosen and Divine primary destiny for them
For I believe that once we know the glorious splendor and richness of Your dreams for us
We will never ever wanna fall short of Your promises....