Coming to BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Redding, California was such a big move. An overwhelming one to say the least in the most challenging yet wonderful experience of my life. Words can’t describe what I feel and all that I have learned here. It is also through wanting to process my thoughts and reflections through blogging that I realised my last post was from December of last year! What a long break I took?! There’s so much going on here that it’s real hard for me to prioritise time to journal so I think blogging will give me that necessary time spent sitting down and reflecting on my process and heart posture. (That, and the fact that I almost never look back on what I’ve written in my journals maybe because I don’t like my handwriting or how I feel that it’s so unworthy or even boring to be looked upon.. something that I might need to dig deeper into maybe?)
Anyways, it’s the 30th of December, second last day of the year so I thought that I’d might write my feelings of reaching my “American Dream” of attending BSSM after dreaming about it for more than three years. There have been so many testimonies and crazy happenings that I’d thought I’ll just start with these and work myself backwards from here. So I bet (and hope) that there will be more posts coming up soon just to document my life’s journey and how faithful God has been through it all.
So I came here in August, almost not coming due to a deep depression I felt. One so big that my family was worried that I couldn’t take the flight here, just for my own safety. See, I was a “danger” to myself, swallowed up in negative thoughts and partnering with the devil on who I was and meant to be. Bad stuff. Stuff we should never think about because as Bill Johnson says, “We cannot afford to have a thought in our head that is not in His”. For me, it was the exact opposite, super detrimental to my very own well-being.
But through the fire and through the battle, I took that flight on the 24th of August, with a thousand negative thoughts mercilessly flooding my mind, I spent the first two months questioning, doubting and feeling unworthy about myself. See, when the devil knows that you are one step closer to your destiny, it will do anything to stop you from taking that step and going further in trying to push you to take your own life. So bonkers in reality but so “real” when you’re in depression. It’s crazy.
Fast forward to the here and now, and I can’t but tear up in gratitude of the goodness of my Father. The times He kept singing over me even when I couldn’t hear Him. The times He reached out His hand through the fog and I didn’t hold it being too blinded by my own pain and “sufferings”. The times when He whispered His words of affirmation over me but all I could hear was the devil’s voice screaming in my head. The times where He felt the pain of the emptiness I felt. And the countless times He tried to make me feel found when I felt so lost. He never gave up on me.
And for that I’m forever grateful. When someone does that (let alone our Maker), fights and pursue you time and time again, you seriously can’t help but just give in to the pursuit, only realising that it’s the best decision you can ever make in your entire life. And in response to that, you want to make your life all about Him, the best way you possibly can.
So here I am, with tears streaming down my face, overcome by the reckless love of God. What can I say, when all that He does is leaves me in awe and dumbfounded by His beauty. That and the fact that I lost my phone on Christmas break in Seattle five days ago. Another HUGE reason I can partner with the enemy in saying what a disappointment, careless and clumsy girl I am, which will naturally drive me down the rabbit’s hole once again. But no, I won’t partner with the devil, instead I’ll partner with truth and not let it steal my joy. Although there are loads of prophecies and memories in the form of pictures I treasure with all my heart in there, they’re not my idol. God still reigns supreme over my life and staying in His presence is better than any materialistic thing could offer even if it’s storing prophecies and pleasant memories (good things actually). It’s good in a way because all prophetic words come from Him, so it makes me rely solely on listening to Him directly than being distracted by listening to those recordings. I realised that I have been spending more time on my prophecies than being face to face with Him in His presence without mediation. Sometimes we can be so distracted by the gifts that we subconsciously forget the “Gifter”.
I do pray for a miracle though, because I still need my phone to connect with family and friends and I don’t have the money to buy a decent one. So please pray for me on that! Haha.. Anyways, I’m so glad that 2017 has been a super blast and coming here to Bethel really got me more than what I bargained for. Really excited to see what God has in store for me in 2018!!!