Sunday, January 20, 2013

Remove Not

Remove not these emotions that you have placed within me since the day I was created 
Remove not the capability to feel happiness,
hope, determination, patience, love and thanksgiving 
Remove not the capacity to feel compassion, 
to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice instead of evil

But most of all, remove not the ability to cry when sadness sees fit for tears,
Remove not the ability to feel sorrowful, confused and lost at times 
when my emotions seem to tether between reality and a self-conjured wall of security 

Remove not the yearning to be the person you want me to be
and even more than that, 
Remove not the urge to make a difference in this life
and banish notions of wanting to exist, breathe and eat                                                    
Remove not these feelings that give me a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift You have placed within me 
The difference that separates me from the animals and plants 
You have given me a soul that is capable of feeling the good and also the bad
A soul that rages against the unfairness of life 
a soul that weeps when it is afflicted
a soul that learns day by day to depend on You
for renewal, restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me that makes me human, my friend 
Remove not my feelings despite the pain because without the pain
I would not have learnt to reach for you for comfort and unfailing love
Remove not these feelings for they become the stepping stones for me 
Stairways to honesty and acknowledgement of the times when I fail 
that You were there to accept the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my Friend remove them not

*something a dear friend wrote back in 2005, I was 14 back then, but she scripted whats on my mind right now, putting disorganized thoughts, feelings and responses to paper. This is part of growing up but I know I'm in safe Hands. 

Life on the Other Extreme

When life takes a toll on you
You see things from a different light
Not the Light you're thinking off
But it's funny how my brain works

When I'm stressed out and depressed

Seeing the night view eases the  heart
I see art as the blood drops in that cleared water toilet bowl
Walking down 4-storey flights of stairs becomes therapeutic
Wondering what taxi drivers think of the negative stigma attached to them
Makes me over think too much

I also realize that its a mad world out there
A lanyard you put on with a tag on it
And there you have it

Curious stares from citizens and immigrants alike
Some tourist even know whats our local paper

I play a psychology game to keep myself protected
Lanyard goes on when its not safe
Off when I don't want unnecessary attention 

Life as who I'm right now ain't all that easy
Not because of the present being
But cos of all of the negative stories
Case studies, experiences all too extreme
Making me perceive my present world
More scary than it seem

But it is FUN!
And life's a journey
Can't believe I got "conned" into this field
With nothing on my mind to study
This blog saved me when I was Form5
At the end of a great depression
I found my avenue of expression
It started cos my friends were earning money with ads on it
It started the same for me
But nevertheless I found myself differently

Never thought that I could write and just write
And it just eased my soul
What I couldn't say with my mouth
I just did it with my fingers

Never was it my dream to be a journalist
I mean who writes that as an essay when you're standard two
I wanted to be a teacher, lawyer or psychologist
But skeptically ended up being a journalist.

It's too soon to tell
And time would only tell
But I'm excited with what I'm doing
And love my job as so it seems
Its just life on the ......Other Extreme. :)

Friday, January 18, 2013

I Cannot

I just cannot write for what I do not believe in
I cannot be given assignments paraphrased
Cos no one else wants them

I just cannot keep quiet and see all the corruption
I cannot sit back when I have a mouth to speak
And a hand to write

I just cannot handle the cultural shock I'm facing
Being "sheltered" all my life
Isn't really all that helpful

I just cannot pen down words that are not in my soul
I love justice
Not cos it's cool but cos it is right

I just cannot go on demonstrations
If I do not understand the cause
Was it really for mankind or more for "humane-kind"

I just cannot bring myself to do things
Even if it gives a salary
It's the passion that will make me keep my job

I just cannot stand it when everyone speaks in euphemisms
Trying to guess what's happening or already have been happening
Its really hard for a 21 year old

I don't want to be conned into doing assignments I do not agree to
But its the experience that counts
And if I don't see it now, I'll never fight for change

I did not understand the phrase
"Evil triumphs when righteous men do nothing" as a college freshie
Three years later into the working world, I finally understood

I cannot sit back and relax
Complaining and blaming
Without doing anything

And as I'm pacing around in this office cos I'm alone here writing a "not-heeded" story, I choose to believe that God is righteous, faithful and ever-loving. I go over to my boss' desk and see a wooden plaque by his board. It meant Peaceful with the the verse Micah 6:9 at the bottom. I bent forward to take a closer look:

"And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justice, to love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God."
I can see the difficulty faced
But I just cannot.

*I love my bosses, they're really kind and friendly, taking real care of me, fifth day as an intern and I'm seeing so much already. Can't believe there's so many righteous people in my country, but I still question the ones on top. It just boggles my "naive" mind.

Monday, January 14, 2013

How is love seen?

How is love seen?
How is it shown?
Is it an untouchable feeling?
I don't even know why I'm asking.

Surrounded by couples with the lack of affection
Getting caught up in all the "no action"
Is this the way love is?
How God intended it to be?

So how much love would you show
A life partner, teacher or friend
Your mother or father
Babies and aunties
Cat's, dogs or any emotional being

How do we convey the strong feeling inside
Is it supposed to be kept in till the day of "I do?"
Bottled up like we're robots
Just because?

Like how far can affection get
Before it turns to lust?
Or unhealthy love?
Or infatuation with the form rather than the being?

God created my heart
The blood running through my veins
The way my heart skips a beat
I was created to feel and to be real

To feel, know, receive and give LOVE
To understand the true essence of it
Not mincing it because I feel insecure
But to give from that overflowing from above

I don't love from a lack of love
With the hope of receiving love to make me complete
I am made whole
Fully and completely loved by the true definition of Love

But how do you show love?
When church goers restrain themselves from showing affection
To their partners and spouses
Is it cos they were wired that way?

Or is it because of a stigma attached
That leaders should not be all mushy?
When somehow I figured
That God put those mushy feelings in us

He ravishes His love on us
So why are we holding it back?
We try our best to return it to God
But go half-heartedly  when it comes to men

PDA seems negative
A public display of affection is detrimental
But does that mean we should never publicly announce our love?
Even when the feeling's so strong, erupting in our soul?

If we publicly display our affection in the right way
With the 5 love languages God gave us
I think the word PDA is what we really need at the moment
To tell the world and be true to our feelings

To stop living in denial
Or under the pressure of what people are thinking
We should Love. Out. Loud
The way we were born to love and to be loved

God was affectionate.
He died to have a relationship
To fight for something worth fighting for
Love drove Jesus to the cross

It was all because of LOVE.

So if it took God to show His love through such a violent act
What does it take for us when it's already been done
So we sit back and relax, sucking in our feelings
Or follow-through this given break-through

I'm still not sure how love is seen
Or should it actually be seen?
But one thing for sure
I'm not satisfied with the love that surrounds

I'd rather it be strong, honest, real and raw
That we will be willing to die for the sake of a friend or loved one
A love so strong it moves you to action and not only through speech
A love that is conveyed the Godly way

Like the words of a song by Megan Nicole:
I wanna be blown away
I wanna be swept off my feet
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe
I wanna be lost in love
I wanna be your dream come true
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you

The lyrics may sound cheesy but I think this secret desire is in most of our hearts
If only we would stop living in denial
And just be humans
The way God created us to be, filled with hormones, emotions and desires

Sometimes non-Christians are more fulfilled in this area because they're not afraid
We need to start coming to terms with ourselves
Without over spiritualizing stuff thinking God will show us the one
When we already have feelings for someone

God gave us a brain packed with wisdom
The freedom of choice to make honest decisions
Choices to pick from because He is not limited
Yet we wait and delay without making a move

When I meet my special someone
I want my heart to sing the lyrics of Megan's song
A young girl who's honest with her feelings
Unashamed to be real

But my strongest desire is to feel that last line
To be scared of how strong I feel for that special one
Because the love of God scares me
To the point of death, He paid a price 
(Now that, is scary)

Knowing that that love freely given and sacrificially paid for
May not be returned on that equation
Or may even be rejected and ridiculed upon
He still chose to LOVE

God showed His love through an action that changed history
And that is why I'm part of the world's greatest love story
But He also chose to give us love partners as life partners
That we may all share of this love

So back to the question:
How is love seen?