Sunday, August 11, 2019

Breathe... Just breathe

Breathe... Just breath
I repeated over myself in my head
Take a deep breathe
Everything will be ok

I paced back and forth
Calming myself down
Mentally tracing back to where I last put my pendrive
The pendrive with today's sermon in it

No pendrive means no sermon
And no sermon means half the congregation
Would have come to receive nothing
Nothing because of my carelessness

Thankful for my mom
Thankful for my friend
One to be in the car with me as I sped home
The other to be waiting for the sermon by his inbox

Mind racing and tears falling
Still trying to think how did I left it
As I thoroughly remember my steps
Taking it out of the CPU and putting it into my bag

But what's done is done
And what seems to be done was really undone
To swallow my pride and hope for the best
Thankfully testimony time stood in the gap

Throughout the whole process
I find my mind racing
In all sorts of different directions
Self-doubt, shame and justification

Why am I ever again so clumsy?
Am I ever gonna change?
I have been non-stop that's why
Identity if not protected attacked once again

I took my thoughts captive
And allow truth to slip in
I am not my actions
I am worthy of my birthright

As a child of God
A child who still makes mistakes
A daughter who still slips sometimes
I am a child of God

Why today? Why now?
Why before my last year of BSSM?
I fight the thoughts that scream mercilessly at me
Not believing that it was a sin consequence

I remember a pastor once started a group devotion
Among other leaders he told them to breathe
To breathe in and breathe deep
That this act has saved his life countless of times

And so did it mine
For this time around
A panic attack could have had me
But deep breathing saved me

Breathe in courage
Exhale fear
Breathe in love
Exhale self-hatred

I choose to believe in the One who sets me free
That with every breathe I breathe
I breathe Him in
Him inside me, that's all that I need

And so I will embrace this simple yet profound practice
To breathe in when I feel like falling
To breathe in when I feel the world's against me
To breathe in knowing that He's got me

To know that the God who breathed life into Adam
Is the same God that breathes into me
That the very existence of my being is because of Him
And in that I rest on His unfailing love, comfort and grace

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
And all things means ALL things
And sometimes it's just as simple (but just as important)

As breathing.... just breathing...

No comments: