Swimming in the abyss of uncertainty
I find myself striving
Not feeling Him beside me
Despite all the positive uttering
Trying hard to find emotional stability
Realizing it was not just a simple trigger
But rather a sleeping disorder
Then I flashback to my high school period
Not the many days but the "everydays"
I struggle to get out of bed
Snoozing the phone alarm, hoping for another 15 minutes
Or the times I sleep for more than 12 hours
Dreading to face another day
That I won't have to face another day of dissertation
But yet I finished and I conquered
Well not exactly until results are out
But hey! To me submitting it before the deadline
Is already a bonus in itself considering my "last-minutancy"
I try to get "fixed"
Inner healing they say
Let's dig deep
Into our being and into our past
The pass hurts and pass judgement
Weighing out the weight of my family background
The preconceived and rather unfair notion
"That men who don't respect women are no man at all"
My view of men...
God, help me
There's a reason for a Bride AND Groom
Please help me see
But as I either oversleep or not sleep at all
I realize that honoring God and the way He wired us helps
24 hours a day
8 for sleep. 8 for work. 8 for fun!
I just need to motivate myself to get into that cycle
Like how Kris Valloton quotes:
"I need a new perspective of life...Or maybe just a nap.."
But I'm not getting my much sleep or even naps!
This is a year of REST.
Literally, if we follow God's calendar.
From Joseph Prince to Cindy Jacobs
They're all saying or rather prophesying!
But how do I get it?
The bible says the only thing we need to strive towards
Is to rest
"Cool word play, God" but I don't quite get it
I need rest
I need sleep
Or my emotional tank will be almost empty
And I'll just end up or whiny and cranky
Thus, I'm writing this post
Or rather just rambling about
In the wee hours of the first quarter of the morning
Convincing myself that "writing" is also "worship"
Because I can't quite feel Him in my worship
Unlike times where I just play the guitar and soak in His presence
All I feel is a void of emptiness
Conveniently blaming it on the lack of sleep
But it's funny when you're in the height of stress
Pressured to meet deadlines and requirements
At the height of all the "doing" rather than "being"
I give credit to "not feeling"
This cos as I was pushing and pressing into His presence
The truth or rather another aspect (from His multidimensional truths)
Of worship came in
We always use the word "praise and worship" in church
Yet through the depths of not feeling
I realized that this word has more meaning
More powerful than my careless use of it
When we apply it to God
We think of songs sang and hands lifted
Or maybe a knelt-down posture
Yet when we (or rather I) apply it to other things
Such as secular music or a celebrity
The weight of it becomes heavier
In a very disturbing way
"Don't worship that artist"
"Don't worship your looks"
Suddenly the words takes on a heavier meaning
But kinda in the wrong way
We tend to gratify things deeper
When we view them from a negative extreme
I got it all wrong
Because worshiping God is way more than what is seen
It embodies the reason of creation
The meaning of real relationship
In olden days they may have worship ancient Kings
But today, I worship the King of Kings
Man, just that sound
"The King of Kings"
Brings worship to a whole new level
Like the sound of my keyboard "clicking"
Apart from the many songs we sing
This is also worship
Because I'm exalting my King
So I hope that my Dad receives this worship
And finds joy in the "sound of my typing"
Because in this season I feel Him closer when I'm writing
More so than when I'm "worshiping"...
He looks past the exterior
Even when I'm worship leading
Because when others see me as a worship leader
All He sees is His daughter in worship
And because He knows it all
I shall not be afraid
I shall stay in rest, even if I don't feel like it.