The Impossible

Signs of the impossible starts happening again

When I thought I could have breath a sigh of relief

It jerks me back up again

Letting me know that its not over and done with

With too many similar signs it's starting to scare me

On earth it seems irrelevant, unattainable and illogical

But somehow somewhere in the realm of the Supernatural

I have a feeling that things are orchestrating to the beat of God's heart

It can be mental torture

To think, think and yet think again

To go into a cycle of illusion 

Which may bring to perceived disillusion

I'm tired of these signs, dreams and impressions

All leading to that same "someone" again

When the matter of the fact is

That it cannot happen for he's already taken

Now all I can do

Is sigh at Heaven

Why this, why now?

Why all over again

I shall guard my heart

And keep my hopes in check

But at the same time not allow a defense mechanism

To block me from receiving true love when it really comes

God, help me in this state of uncertainty

To believe that it will go both ways and not just my way

That when the whole situation does not make any sense 

I will still hold on to the God above common sense

Whether it really happens or not

Whether what we saw was actually what You revealed

May I not take this experience and point a finger at You

But may I be reassured that You are forever faithful

And so I shall continue to believe in The Impossible...

Wish

Stumbled upon this song and just fell in love with it. Have been playing it on repeat for the past week already, and am still not bored, lol! Never knew that Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys had such an intimate relationship with God! So its not that bad after all with the music industry filled with people like this unashamed of their relationship with God and not compromising on their values and beliefs. By the way, one of the Wonder Girls also said that the songs repeating on her mp3 now is Hillsongs! Praise Jesus! :D

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
To see Your first step, hear Your very first word
Tell me, did You ever fall and scrape Your knee?
Did You know Your wounds would one day heal the world?
For just one moment
I wish I could have seen You growing
Learning the ways of a carpenter's son
Just a little boy gazing at the stars
Did You remember creating every one?
If you passed by, would I have seen a child or a King?

Would I have known?
I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
When You left Your footprints upon the waves
To walk along beside You and never look away
Just Your whisper and the wind and sea obey
To see You feed the people 
To feel Your healing in Your touch

I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

To hear you pray in the garden alone
Laying down Your will with each tear
To see You walk that lonely road
Willing to die for me
And in that moment
I know I should have been there
You took my cross and gave Your life
And you live again, oh
And You live again!

Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You rise again
Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, Jesus, face to face

Someday I'll be there, I'm gonna be there
I'll see Your face, Your mercy, Your grace
Someday, someday
I'm going to see You, Jesus

Face to face

External Dictation

External Dictation
That's what I seem to be seeing
(And I'm tired of it)
We live our lives
Based on outward signs
Rather than inward convictions
 
We act in a "certain" way
Joke in a "hurtful" way
Confront in an "emotional" way
Defend in a "justifiction" way
And forget about living His way
 
We whine and sulk about how life's treating us
How people misunderstand us
How it is not fair
How things are not how they are suppose to be
And how we ever ended up in that state of despair

We go on and on and on
Blaming everyone else
Circumstances and situations
Our upbringing and family backgrounds
Justifying the way we are living

Never realizing that we're so self-centered
When we think the way that we think
Victimizing ourselves
Blaming it on others
When the blame should be on the devil

We allow external dictatorship
To tell us who we should love
Who we should be in a relationship with
How we should treat or joke about someone
Or basically how we should live our lives

External dictatorship comes in all forms
Circumstances and situations
Misunderstood confrontation
And dysfunctional accountability
Sucking the lives out of us when in the right context
All the above should be really helping us

For all I know Oprah Winfrey was molested as a child
And look where she is now
She didn't allow external circumstances dictate her future
Something we can actually learn from her
To not sulk, dwelling on the past
But to press on towards a bright future

Plus as a child of God
I have more to believe in and to be happy about
For this I shall:
Stop behaving in a pitiful way
Of allowing external things, circumstance or sayings
To dictate my thoughts, beliefs and actions
I shall look inward
To the One who shall dictate where I should go
And not allow external dictations to dictate me no more...

 

"We don't have a right to have a thought in our mind that isn't in the heart of God." ~ Bill Johnson.

Open Doors & so much more

Open doors and so much more
The things happening in my life
Leads to what He stands for
Answered prayers, no more insecure

Realized my jerking and dancing in the Spirit
Took away the 'joyful' part of me for a 'minute'
The confusion and disillusion
The many questions and not so helpful interventions

Been praying for 'open doors'
Since all my life (as a Christian)
"God bring them to me, it'll be easier that way
then me forcing You down their throat." I pray

And so a dear friend of mine
Shares how just in her 3 short months as a Christian
Have been experiencing open doors
Here, there and everywhere

Despite the odds and challenges she faces
She obeys.
Preferring things to slow down a bit
She reluctantly follows His voice
(But it still works!)

Sharing with me on how a 'neighbor' got saved
Through her 'visible' jerking
And how a taxi driver paid her
For the prophecy and prayer she gave

I was 'jealous' and wanted that
Facebook chatted with her to ask to pass me the anointing
And at that very moment received a timely message
From a 'treasure' we found from Treasure Hunt

And in it was a message from a girl from Iran
A friend of a friend (our founded trasure) 
Asking me about Christ and Church
Hungry for the knowledge of my King

And so that open door came
A huge, big one which opened right in my face
Confirming for the 'hundredth' time that I belong to my church
Despite the many many skeptical thoughts

Brought her to church
Didn't have to do much work
For it was all His doing
And my part in just obeying

So be careful of what you ask for
For when God answers and speaks
He leads you in tremendous ways
Just like how I met my open door

Fear of the Future

No more fear of the future
I think of this I'm quite sure
As I have this liberation
Of having no more tension

Gripped by the fear of not making it
Of being a cleaner or a sweeper
Deceptive thoughts that crept in
Crippling me in that present moment

Confidence lost
And victorious thoughts gone
I seep into this subtle depression
A world where I end up a failure

But I'll never reach my future
Two girls once told me
For when I've reached it
I have my "next" future to "fear" about

So there is no point
In worrying for something
That may never be of realization
For when it comes in motion

I'll be able
For my God is able
I'll be calm in the storms
And strong against the winds

The past months I tried looking, feeling and being happy
But deep down you know it's just all in the making
Right now, I'm totally sick with a bad sore throat
But deep down I feel peace and in the knowing

That my God holds the Universe
My future career, happiness and husband :P
My destiny belongs to Him
Fitting in His palm

And for that I can be reminded of Jeremiah 29:11
Being so sure of the fact that He is sure of my future
Although I'm quite clueless at the moment

via my opera

I have no more fear of the future....

It. Is. REAL.

It is REAL.

The feelings I had in the last semester
The doubts, the pain, the negative wonders
The insecurities deduced to mere "hallucinations"
Were way real than what I thought they would be

How do I know?

The absence of it paints a clear picture
Of how "presently" real it was back then

Now I can smile without pretending
Laugh without having that weird plastic face feeling
And sing like I'm soaring

That I wasn't hallucinating
But actually going through a wilderness
I didn't know and acowledge

Knowing that even in this present darkness
I can see my precious God
And realize that He's taking me out of this phase
Into His marvelous light

I won't doubt that I am weak

Sometimes as a leader
We put up a strong front
Like it's a crime to have feelings
To be real and raw
To be vulnerable and weak to those around you

I've come to realise that its not "just me"
But a part of life
We were wired that way
With emotions and feelings
After the fall of Adam
The negatives of life comes with the package
But my God took that package and redeemed a better one for me

And as a redeemed person
I am partaking of His goodness
Happy and content with where and who I am

So in this I shall be confident
That I'm not some weird person with crazy emotions
Cos I realized that just like me
Most of my friends have these feelings behind closed doors too

So I don't have to worry
Cos as much as I feel bad, sad, tired or neglected
I will eventually feel good, happy, refreshed and accepted
In Christ and in those that He has placed around me

Because..... It. Is. REAL.

Reflections, pains and gains...

As I sit here typing this out
I know that it's my last day in KK somehow
With the need to pack and fly off later
I still can't fathom how aerodynamics can allow me to be here this moment
And transport me there in the matter of hours

Now I'm here
Next thing I'm there
The past few months have been more than just dry
Dry's not the word
Maybe more like the struggle to survive

Because I still feel God
Very much tangible in fact
But that's the thing!
It's all the  jerking, laughing and shaking
Second-guessing the manifested intention

Then there's this whole end-of-diploma dilemma
Should I continue or should I not
Counting the pros and the cons
The time spent and how much the cost
Would suddenly leaving, halt me at a lost?

Also the identity issue
Why I'm not that pretty
Or not that tall
"I'm putting on weight! "
Focusing on what is all wrong

And then the issues societies face
The background clashes
Not sure what to stand for
Everything can be backed up by Word
But what does God say about these?

So a tough sem led me into a tough sem break

Whatever the reason
Ended up sleeping for up to 14 hours
Body clock turned upside down
Diminishing my holiday plans
Of the many things I wanted to do

Coming back this round also opened my eyes
To the things God is doing in my state KK
The significance of the mountain, the rituals, the race
All adding up to the all-knowing facet of my King
Makes me wonder, am I here to stay?

Which then again leads me back to a huge unnecessary problem
What would I do in the future?
Should I still study journalism if I don't want to be a journalist?
Would I ever end up being a "somebody"?
Cos the lie incepted is that I'll end up a nobody

Which reminds me and bring me back to the first few struggles mentioned earlier
The MAJOR one in fact
Stupid "fear-of-the-future"
Crippling me so bad
Disabling my happiness of living in the present

And I realize all these problems and negativity
Are kinda intertwined as a whole
If I'm affected spiritually
My emotional and physical side will be affected eventually
Far worst when it comes mentally

Loosing all confidence in who I am
And what I believe in
Is the stand I'm taking really worth standing for?
Shaken to the bone
Feeling all alone

Oh ya, and the unnecessary attention I'm getting
All from the wrong places when I'm wishing the right
Making me go dizzy
I shall not put up a fight
But what time would it be when the "time is right?"

And the request/demand to actually move out
Out of hostel to a more "homely" place
Something I'd never do at my own wish
With the great things and happenings
I don't wanna miss whatever God's doing

Turning 21 has been crazy.
Funny it seems.
Ironic to my previous post.

What should I do? Who would I be?

When questioned wrongly
Opens a door for the enemy to be grimmy
To feed on that one thought
Expanding and furthering it
Into a whole lie that could even take lives

It's also hard when the people you confide in
Are there but no more there
Feelings evoke sticky situations
Allowing lots of misinterpretations
Maybe I shall keep it all in

But through this over doze of depressing thoughts I remember my Savior
And what He has done on that cross
This one paragraph can defeat all the other negatives
Saved by Grace through faith
In abundance I shall live

The devil may have been happy up til the last paragraph
But I will keep fighting cos I want to be like that post shared on Facebook
I wanna....



I shall fight against my weakness
Cos if handled well could be my greatest strength

I can look at 21 and say: "Hang in there you're still young, so just bear another few decades of striving and surviving in that state of the coming unknown, gripped by the fear of marriage, status and looks. The struggle to survive in a down-trodden economy. To have the simplest life you can, not rich, not poor, just enough with the absence of risks."

Or I can look at 21 and say:" You know what? you're only 21 and even though you've experienced a fair much don't let it stop you from experiencing so much more! The wonders of the unknown kept in the safe palm of your Dad and God. The greatest guarantee is not in money, health or who'll you marry. But the greatest guarantee is your hope in God. And that'll be the only guarantee you'll ever need. And eventually, everything will fall nicely but not perfectly into place. Things need not be perfect, this shall I remind you because when we envision a picture-perfect life, it sends us into a never ending delusion to fight for perfection. So what with the economic downturn. Don't forget who your Daddy is. There will be pain, strains and struggles but rest assured that you'll come through. Never ever second-guess your existence. You were made for a great destiny and so much more. So when the divine timing comes, you won't find the perfect husband, job or reputation. But you will find the right husband, job and have the right reputation. As long as you stay close to Jesus, know who your Father is and know that the Holy Spirit is there to assist you 24/7. Oh ya, and you are beautiful. Don't let the world tell you otherwise. In the meantime, choose to be wise for the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalm 111:10. Be rest assured in Him."

I hear people entering a mid-life crisis in their 30's, 40's or even 50's wondering who and why they are on earth. From sacked professionals to this unemployed pastor with 3 kids. It really scares me, seeing I'm so caught up in a huge identity crisis when I already know where my identity lies in. Then I divinely stumble across this gem just minutes ago that...


Because I have already been found by the One who knows it all. And I'm just on the brink of discovering the greatness and hidden talents of whats on the inside of me because of the One living in me. And I have my whole lifetime to keep discovering... And that is just a pleasant matter of fact.