Life on the Other Extreme

When life takes a toll on you
You see things from a different light
Not the Light you're thinking off
But it's funny how my brain works

When I'm stressed out and depressed

Seeing the night view eases the  heart
I see art as the blood drops in that cleared water toilet bowl
Walking down 4-storey flights of stairs becomes therapeutic
Wondering what taxi drivers think of the negative stigma attached to them
Makes me over think too much

I also realize that its a mad world out there
A lanyard you put on with a tag on it
And there you have it

Curious stares from citizens and immigrants alike
Some tourist even know whats our local paper

I play a psychology game to keep myself protected
Lanyard goes on when its not safe
Off when I don't want unnecessary attention 

Life as who I'm right now ain't all that easy
Not because of the present being
But cos of all of the negative stories
Case studies, experiences all too extreme
Making me perceive my present world
More scary than it seem

But it is FUN!
And life's a journey
Can't believe I got "conned" into this field
With nothing on my mind to study
This blog saved me when I was Form5
At the end of a great depression
I found my avenue of expression
It started cos my friends were earning money with ads on it
It started the same for me
But nevertheless I found myself differently

Never thought that I could write and just write
And it just eased my soul
What I couldn't say with my mouth
I just did it with my fingers

Never was it my dream to be a journalist
I mean who writes that as an essay when you're standard two
I wanted to be a teacher, lawyer or psychologist
But skeptically ended up being a journalist.

It's too soon to tell
And time would only tell
But I'm excited with what I'm doing
And love my job as so it seems
Its just life on the ......Other Extreme. :)

I Cannot

I just cannot write for what I do not believe in
I cannot be given assignments paraphrased
Cos no one else wants them

I just cannot keep quiet and see all the corruption
I cannot sit back when I have a mouth to speak
And a hand to write

I just cannot handle the cultural shock I'm facing
Being "sheltered" all my life
Isn't really all that helpful

I just cannot pen down words that are not in my soul
I love justice
Not cos it's cool but cos it is right

I just cannot go on demonstrations
If I do not understand the cause
Was it really for mankind or more for "humane-kind"

I just cannot bring myself to do things
Even if it gives a salary
It's the passion that will make me keep my job

I just cannot stand it when everyone speaks in euphemisms
Trying to guess what's happening or already have been happening
Its really hard for a 21 year old

I don't want to be conned into doing assignments I do not agree to
But its the experience that counts
And if I don't see it now, I'll never fight for change

I did not understand the phrase
"Evil triumphs when righteous men do nothing" as a college freshie
Three years later into the working world, I finally understood

I cannot sit back and relax
Complaining and blaming
Without doing anything

And as I'm pacing around in this office cos I'm alone here writing a "not-heeded" story, I choose to believe that God is righteous, faithful and ever-loving. I go over to my boss' desk and see a wooden plaque by his board. It meant Peaceful with the the verse Micah 6:9 at the bottom. I bent forward to take a closer look:

"And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justice, to love mercy

And to walk humbly with your God."

 

I can see the difficulty faced
But I just cannot.

*I love my bosses, they're really kind and friendly, taking real care of me, fifth day as an intern and I'm seeing so much already. Can't believe there's so many righteous people in my country, but I still question the ones on top. It just boggles my "naive" mind.

How is love seen?

How is love seen?
How is it shown?
Is it an untouchable feeling?
I don't even know why I'm asking.

Surrounded by couples with the lack of affection
Getting caught up in all the "no action"
Is this the way love is?
How God intended it to be?

So how much love would you show
A life partner, teacher or friend
Your mother or father
Babies and aunties
Cat's, dogs or any emotional being

How do we convey the strong feeling inside
Is it supposed to be kept in till the day of "I do?"
Bottled up like we're robots
Just because?

Like how far can affection get
Before it turns to lust?
Or unhealthy love?
Or infatuation with the form rather than the being?

God created my heart
The blood running through my veins
The way my heart skips a beat
I was created to feel and to be real

To feel, know, receive and give LOVE
To understand the true essence of it
Not mincing it because I feel insecure
But to give from that overflowing from above

I don't love from a lack of love
With the hope of receiving love to make me complete
I am made whole
Fully and completely loved by the true definition of Love

But how do you show love?
When church goers restrain themselves from showing affection
To their partners and spouses
Is it cos they were wired that way?

Or is it because of a stigma attached
That leaders should not be all mushy?
When somehow I figured
That God put those mushy feelings in us

He ravishes His love on us
So why are we holding it back?
We try our best to return it to God
But go half-heartedly  when it comes to men

PDA seems negative
A public display of affection is detrimental
But does that mean we should never publicly announce our love?
Even when the feeling's so strong, erupting in our soul?

If we publicly display our affection in the right way
With the 5 love languages God gave us
I think the word PDA is what we really need at the moment
To tell the world and be true to our feelings

To stop living in denial
Or under the pressure of what people are thinking
We should Love. Out. Loud
The way we were born to love and to be loved

God was affectionate.
He died to have a relationship
To fight for something worth fighting for
Love drove Jesus to the cross

It was all because of LOVE.

So if it took God to show His love through such a violent act
What does it take for us when it's already been done
So we sit back and relax, sucking in our feelings
Or follow-through this given break-through

I'm still not sure how love is seen
Or should it actually be seen?
But one thing for sure
I'm not satisfied with the love that surrounds

I'd rather it be strong, honest, real and raw
That we will be willing to die for the sake of a friend or loved one
A love so strong it moves you to action and not only through speech
A love that is conveyed the Godly way

Like the words of a song by Megan Nicole:

I wanna be blown away
I wanna be swept off my feet
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe
I wanna be lost in love
I wanna be your dream come true
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you

The lyrics may sound cheesy but I think this secret desire is in most of our hearts

If only we would stop living in denial

And just be humans

The way God created us to be, filled with hormones, emotions and desires

Sometimes non-Christians are more fulfilled in this area because they're not afraid

We need to start coming to terms with ourselves

Without over spiritualizing stuff thinking God will show us the one

When we already have feelings for someone

God gave us a brain packed with wisdom

The freedom of choice to make honest decisions

Choices to pick from because He is not limited

Yet we wait and delay without making a move

When I meet my special someone

I want my heart to sing the lyrics of Megan's song

A young girl who's honest with her feelings

Unashamed to be real

But my strongest desire is to feel that last line

To be scared of how strong I feel for that special one

Because the love of God scares me

To the point of death, He paid a price 

(Now that, is scary)

Knowing that that love freely given and sacrificially paid for

May not be returned on that equation

Or may even be rejected and ridiculed upon

He still chose to LOVE

God showed His love through an action that changed history

And that is why I'm part of the world's greatest love story

But He also chose to give us love partners as life partners

That we may all share of this love

So back to the question:

How is love seen?

My 2013 Resolution

"I want to know Your heart"...♥

6 simple words that could change our world. By realizing the true meaning of it, we see ourselves through the eyes of our Father and what He wants for us and so much more, these 6 words suddenly felt like the world to me. He sees more to me than what I see of myself and my future. My identity and accomplishments (past, present & future) are mirrored in His heart. Now, I just have to keep knowing....


My new year's revolution for 2013 even as the clock strikes 12 later, it may seriously change my perspective of life and in turn- THE WAY I LIVE.

Abuse and detoxification

Abuse and then detoxification
Stuff and things that have happened
Polluting things off its origin
Making it "fit" into what we believe in

In the taxi on the way to college's library
I hear some cars honking
The horn was invented for safety
But now we decide that it's unnecessary

We hear the honk and we get scared
When it's suppose to warn us for safety
Instead we glimpse with fury at the driver
"Why on earth did he do that?!" we wonder

Or how we acknowledge and describe the way God moves
Because He did not work in our "own" preconceived way
Doesn't mean that we should blanket it
Making sure He doesn't do it with other people

The subtle change or way of thought
Thinking its minor but its actually abuse
Makes a whole world of difference
In this we never gave a second thought

Abuse is always or most of the time
Paired with the words "physical" or "verbal"
But how about the way we think?
Are there such things as the abuse of "thoughts"?

Belief shapes paradigm
And paradigm shapes perspective
Which ultimately shapes our actions
So is it time for a paradigm shift?

To not think we know it all
Because only God knows it all
And even with that He chose to keep the "end of the world" -unknowingly
Does that speak of humility?

"Unknowingly" as in, the ultimate secret
I know it may not make any sense
But I'm thinking real hard
And allowing the detoxification to sink in

Its just that sometimes we become so sure of ourselves
Secured in the pattern of thought we have
Deleting every other truth that may come
Just because it did not align to our personal experience

My Pastor once taught me to not "blanket" a certain way
Onto everything else that may seem logically "swayed"
Like most of the world who would conventionally say
Because God is not limited by my thoughts or my "way"

So now in this serious state of being "mentally challenged"
I just have to allow God to move in His own way
The "abuse" may have been done
But then detoxification can also be done

So I'll just allow myself to soak in His LOVE
Knowing that it is not the end of the world
For my Father in Heaven- the future He holds
And for that I'm fully secured even if all else fails....

One Vicious Cycle

One vicious cycle
That's what it looks like
Something drowned and entangled so deep
Of it you really don't know what to think

They say "Second Chances"
Are the chances Grace gives
But what if someone takes that for granted?
How far would Grace comply?

Caught up in this vicious cycle
Trying to come out of it untangled
But for flesh and blood is entangled
How would I come out of this unmangled?

I look up and "believe" that God is in control
Not knowing whether my belief is genuine or artificial
It has come to this point where situation seems beyond all hope
Making it hard to even believe in Hope

"The abused CANNOT help the abuser"
Period.

Something I learned about inner healing
Unnecessary help and mercy
May just come in the way of God's glory
What's right to us is not necessarily right to God

How do you help a person
Who burns the one who helps
How do you help a person
When he's too proud to accept help

Even to the point of death
Evil seems to have a hold on him
Disillusioned in his lonely world of "one"
No one can speak into him

Irrationality clouds his mind
As he demands for 24-hour attention
Whining about how no one cares for him
When those who care only gets hurt

Manipulative in a subtle manner
You won't realized that you are drained
Of your emotions, efforts and intentions
You get sucked in turning the victim

As legal papers are signed
And law and constitutions come in
What seems to be the hard way
May turn out to be the only way

That he needs God
And not fame, riches or pride
The last has brought him to where he is today
But there's still no sign of repenting

I don't know what to think, say or pray
For God has been there and has  never forsake
All I can do now is keep having Faith, Hope and Love
And believe that one day we will all get out of this
One vicious cycle....

In Awe and In Wonder

In awe and in wonder of who my God is
How did this feeling bud?
By sitting down on that hostel car park divider
Kinda my favorite spot to sit when I have the extra time
(especially after midnight where less people's around)
Realizing the times where real significant conversations took place there

I sit down and gaze at the stars
Resting, breathing, reflecting
On why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling
Even after a long day's work
With stress, emotions and a never ending to-do lists
5 more assignments and a big prayer run tomorrow
Deadlines not reached, deserving of "red cards"
But Grace comes in and occupies that void
I understand why I'm here again

Realizing that with God everything and anything is possible
Can't believe that you could do so much and go non-stop
Yet not feel drained out or passed out
But feel such a sense of fulfillment
When God replaces all your "agenda"

Started with a good conversation with my dear Pastor
Where she talked and walked me through this phase of a major transition in life
Having "accidentally" sat through a fire prevention talk which was very helpful indeed
Funny part is, my friend and I thought this was a talk by some outside preacher
On how to maintain the FIRE of God in church
When it was actually some fire department guy teaching on the prevention of fire accidents
The irony! (LOL)

Had lunch with part of the full time team
Who happen to be very wonderful friends
And some of the closest actually
Really look up to them
So easy-going, fun-loving and approachable
One even "found" me the first night of college I felt so "lost" in hostel

Then I was off to print some prayer cards for the run in college tomorrow
RUNTAR in fact, a smaller version of the "life-changing" run: RUNNAT!
Was real excited and thought I could get the printing done by half an hour
Ended up staying there for about 3 hours because they won't do the cutting for me
Talk about flourishing business where they don't need to pay attention to minor details

Got such a headache after that phase
Finished an assignment with dear college bestie which was way overdue
Blood pumping in head, tried to focus on reading the last few touches
Got it printed and couldn't wait to get out of that confinement
Which confined me, my whole afternoon!

Rushed over to a friend's place for the last meeting for our waited run
Was totally excited about the run despite the different technicalities and utter confusion
Took a breather and realized that we were rewriting history
Being the first college to adopt this Prayer Run method
Realizing that news on this would and are already in the process of being covered
I STOP. and think. BECOMING more aware of what God is doing
And wondered how I ended up in it

Then rushed off to see a movie against my convenient liking
Secretly wanted to back out of this plan, planned long ago
For it was a movie I wouldn't choose on my own
But the fact that it's "quality" and not "academic" time with classmates
I went along instead dragging my feet on the inside of my heart

And to my surprise this movie caught my full attention I would say!
Hands down the best movie I have seen in 2012
Best movie in fact, on my list after "A Walk to Remember"
Which was seen years ago

The Kingdom truth and intelligent conversations
Reenacting what my dad once told me when I was a kid
When Pi believed in 3 different religions
Still young, still learning, in awe of the many gods
Pi's dad told him not to believe in everything
Because that way, you're not really believing in anything
I guess you know which movie it is now

I love it because it made me think
About this faith I have
And in what I'm really believing in

Not sure what the director was thinking
Or where he came from
The lessons he intended the viewers to take home
Vague but so appealing
To me at least
For that I'm still thinking

STRONG Kingdom truth
Embedded in what seems like a messy sort of confusion
He who has ears let him hear

The power of His irrational love for us
Director Ang Lee has gone beyond my expectation
Despite the Director of Brokeback Mountain not being my fave
This show made me see the creative and ingenious part of him
No wonder the many Academy Awards

I can go on and on and on and on about my day
But somehow somewhere I need to stop for here is not where I stay
I have to move on and not live in the past whether bad, good or awesome!
For my God is a never changing God
Making me realize more and more each day
Of what I blessed girl I am

Therefore to be in awe and in wonder of who I am and who my God is
Shall always be on my mind in a continuous state
For then is where......I AM TRULY LIVING 

Our very own RUNTAR prayer cards!!!

More that just a movie.

Just me being happy with babies!

Prayer Card image courtesy of Andrea Teo! A very dear friend and fellow committee of this RUNTAR 2012!!!