3 times the repeat...

Three times the repeat
That's what jolted me up from my evening nap
It wasn't one time not just that
But twice before even during my usual sleeps

It has different contents but holds the same meanings
Something initially beautiful and wonderful
Rushed, disorganized and oh so frightening
Like waking up to cry is my only escape

Were those warning signs not yet acted upon
Did it have to repeat itself three times
For me to truly understand
And make a decisive decision to act upon it?

Sometimes things are thrown at you
Beyond what you can handle
And right here right now
I'd realized this is the part where I let it go

Life has this way of chasing you
Dreams even
As if we're not already tired by the days duties already
Needing to accommodate to this weird images during rest time

"Don't worry, don't worry, I got you"
"Trust little child, it's gonna be alright"
I hear my favorite singer from Bethel sing spontaneously
"All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord"

And although the fear did not magically disappear
I know I can lean on Him in every situation
I can converse with Him on what to do next
On my responds, my fears and the risks needed to be taken

It took three times the repeat to catch my attention
But I'm here now not fully ready yet to face the music
But well aware that I'm not alone in this
Just curiously wondering what the other end might perceive of it

This is scary
Like how my future depends on it
The life's of my children's children
Yet I will behold it with grace, faith and courage

Allowing love to knit them together
By the third you know they're not just any accident
Signs you cannot just let pass by
I shall and will read these signs correctly

I took it lightly initially
But now I'm fully aware of the matter at hand
I shall look into this and not linger anymore
Because it took three times the repeat

To really get hold of me....

The Start and the End

When I wake up in the morning
A sleepy smile on my face
I whisper "Good Morning" to You

Waken up, vulnerable yet not afraid
Messy hair, eye bags and all
I know You still see me as beautiful and perfect

I say a little prayer
May You be prevalent in my days circumstance
Every word I say and move I make

The lovely and not so lovely people I meet
The context in which each situation brings
The not so "accidental coincidences"

May words spoken and actions taken
Lead to Your Glory
For Your name only

And as I go through my day
May you be constant in my thoughts
Day dreaming about You is what I long for

Questioning You about things I don't understand
Acknowledging You in every decision I make
Making sure that all that I do puts a smile on Your face

That, is true worship
Not just singing some song at some particular time
But offering my whole life as a worship to You

Come home looking forward to that time again
Alone time with You
Something I was made for

Whether it's playing my guitar
Or soaking with songs from YouTube
You're not picky on which way I choose

I ravish in Your love for me
As I sing to You
And You over me

That bond between us unlike any other
More than the love of a mother
It's a covenant of gold

And when I'm all tired and groggy
Ready to wind down for the day
And on my bed lay

I say another prayer
Thanking You for the day
How good You've been to me

Reflecting on the conversations
Situations and circumstances
I know You're there through and through

And as I drift away
I dream of You and me
And the fun that will be

For when I wake up in the morning
Once again
There You'll be

And the beautiful cycle starts all over again
With You permeating every part of me
It's really a great relief

That You're forever present
Right here, right now
Right through eternity

Thank You, God for who You are
And who You've made me to be
Your Daughter and lover

In You there is no worry
For with me You'll forever be
Right from the start to the very end....

Unassuming Reminders

Just went over to a friend's room

It's my eleventh day here in Liverpool

And although its loads of fun

My neck and shoulders hurt

From a pillow that's not hard enough

She gave me an awesome massage

Something I truly love and always look forward to

We discussed on our weeks reading assignments

And because I brought my guitar

We worshiped.

It doesn't matter whether you're in Malaysia or Liverpool

God's presence is everywhere

So close to you

Just the first few strums on the strings

And you know the true reason "why you're here on earth"

Came back to my room trying my best

To minimize on the procrastination

And get to my readings

Turned on my laptop

Turned on some music

In between readings

I check Facebook to see updates in our class group

Accidentally my eyes move over

To the bottom left corner of my homepage

And photos of 2013 come in sight

How did I get there?

I did not click on anything

A picture of me co-leading worship

Catches my eye

Memories come back and I sigh

That picture taken by a dear friend

Aptly captioned

"We never know how to worship until we know how to love"

Brings me back to my friend's room

Where we sang out heart's out to our Greatest Lover

Then I scroll back a few pictures

A personal feature I wrote in a newspaper during my internship

With a headline given by my editor

"Don't stop dreaming and believing in yourself"

Wow. I stand dumbfounded and amazed.

(I seriously wrote that? And my editor did that?)

I guess God works in the most mysteriously impossible ways

The measure of His love driving Him to an unimaginable level

Where He takes me on this breathless journey

On this road we call LIFE

Life given by True Life

Life has brought me here to Liverpool

A beautiful "picture-perfect" country

Trust me

My Instagram naturally looks better already

The way this city stands is wondrous

Yet aside from the beautiful people

Wonderful architecture and ancient heritage buildings

They still scream out 

What a Wonderful Maker

Reminding me of the goodness of my Creator

Oh ya, when writing the first line of this post

I looked at my computers clock

And it showed 1:11

The three numbers that God never fails to show me

Reminding me of His presence and promises

All these are but unassuming reminders

That God drops here and there

An exciting yet incredibly unconventional way of treasure hunt

Which time limit goes on forever

Just like a child, I'll enjoy this playtime

I'll go back to my readings

He makes life oh so exciting

The reason I live and breathe

Becomes even more heartfelt

Due to these wonderful

Unassuming Reminders...

"You never know how to worship until you know how to love."

My Featured Article.

Translucent tears

It hurts so bad

But the tears won't fall

Held back by the unknown

Is it anger or sorrow?

Feeling like you're gang up upon

From those you think would be the least

With your back against the wall

Your heart hardens, mirroring that wall

But other special people step into help

Indirectly through other conversations

Reminding me that I'm truly blessed

So I tell myself release and just rest

Then the tears fall gently

Accompanied with genuine laughter in between

Knowing that behind you is no more that wall

For it's my God holding my back

Thank you Lord that You see me through

That even when I feel like giving up

You see the end from the start

Helping me, comforting me

That although there's laughter through tears

The hurt isn't easily replaced

But in Your heart I'm placed

A safe haven, truly embraced

You see past that wall I built

Through that fake tone conveying I'm "ok"

The "lol" in my messages

Hoping the pain to be erased

You see my tears whether they fall or not

You've got my back when no one has

And with you there's nomiscommunication 

Because you know me all too well 

You see me through my translucent tears.. 

We Dance

So here I am turning on the lights again and putting on my glasses after tucking myself comfortably under the sheets. What made me do that?

The song "We Dance" by Steffany Frizzell from the new Bethel church album- You make me Brave (yay!).

As it's turned up loud on my ophone to put me to bed, an image of Jesus dancing with me overwhelmed me. Tears start falling before you even realize you're crying and this deep tangible fills the room. Simply amazing. 

I guess the reason why it's different this round it's cos I have seen how Jesus looks like (I wouldn't even say the closest) through the book "Heaven is for real" by a boy who really saw Jesus, confirming a painting of Jesus by another girl who had the same experience. And man is Jesus handsome! Reminds me of Hugh Grant, lol!

But this made the experience even more real like Jesus was right there before me, spinning and  twirling me with every next step as we dance. I then saw myself in a blue Cinderella gown and then it changed to  Belles's from Beauty and the  Beast and then to all these other Disney princesses. That's when the revelation came that I'm so precious to God, more than all these princesses combined!! That I was his favoured and special one! That just gives a whole new meaning to a girl like me who dreams of castles and dresses up till this day (lol!) 

As we were dancing, He instilled in me a higher knowledge of who I am and what joy I brought Him. There was no room for whether or "So I thought I could dance" and no pressure of being in a "Dance Battle" yet it felt like I was "Dancing with the stars"!  Our dance brought a greater truth than any reality show could bring- my identity and relationship with my Groom, Father and Maker! Can you even wrap your mind around that!? Still boggles me! 

Even before this encounter I thought it was nice as an opening dance song for a wedding or a piece where the bride and groom would do a first dance to this song together before opening the dance floor ( I wished we had more dance floors in Asian weddings!) depicting the love of our God and His bride/church. I guess I don't have to wait that long! I've seen it already!

So off I go back now to my land of castles, ball gowns and fine lightings with a crystal dance floor where my First Love sweeps me off my feet yet again. Yes, there will be much love, joy, laughter and dancing... lots and lots of dancing... 

http://youtu.be/fFfw6OSbUwE

My Inner Battle (pt 1.)

I try to wrap my mind around it

Why the feelings?

Why the dismay?

Why such hopelessness 

Despite living a seemingly good life

That stupid feeling returns

Haunting, inviting and oh so magnetic

Mysteriously engaging

Yet so overwhelming

The destruction it brings 

Seems endless and deceiving

Pulling me into unpleasant familiarity

Sucking me in mercilessly 

Its an ongoing battle

Sad but true.

A battle I wish could be stated as

Finished and nailed on the cross 

Yet the feelings are so real 

Fresh and anew

It comes all of a sudden

What was the seed of it?

Fear, rejection or utter disillusionment?

Neither or everything in between

Lost in a maze of transpired illusion

Thoughts run wild

Emotions go numb

You start thinking and thinking

Resulting in the belittlement of yourself

Then you start reflecting

And wondering

And your thoughts get deeper and darker

Into a place no one knows

A place where thoughts become fighters

God-thoughts vs self-thoughts vs devil-thoughts 

A battle so vicious

Like there's no way out... 

He Sees Me Through

It's past the exterior facet
Into my heart He sees
Whether true worship abounds
From deep within me

Days I wake up on the wrong side of bed
Mind instantly flooded with assignment deadlines
Thinking to myself whether they have ever left me
Or were they there substituting sweet dreams

A struggle to get up
That raging "war" with procrastination
Thoughts of defeat, desperation and hopelessness flood in
How do you even be that "women whom the devil fears when she wakes up?"

No one's at home so I blow my shofar
Hoping that something will break in the atmosphere
Took a shower and sang my heart out
"Shout to the Lord", my favorite classic

It was in that moment when I heard God speak
That He honored "that kind" of worship and lavished in it
Telling me that there is a time and place for corporate worship
But just as important a place for private worship

A place where I can sing my heart out and let it all out
Forgetting the accuracy of right harmonization
And worries of pitch perfect singing
Hitting that point of climax that is oh so liberating

Sometimes I do wonder what does God really hears
When He hears our worship
I bet He hears from a realm never accessed by any human being
Either that or keys and notes are powerless to Him
Defying what we call "out of tune"

He sees right through me and there's no room for pretense
Staged presence of how we "should" look during worship
He sees me through the storms
And He sees me through "me"

"Me"; sometimes the only hindrance between me and God
It could be a long journey in from the outside of my heart
I let go of that Simon Cowell "demon" (don't worry, it's just a metaphor :P)
And know that God won't judge my worship

In fact I believes He loves my sacrifice of worship
When it's real, raw and unhampered with
The sincerity and brokenness embedded in it
Something I could only give here on this earth

No point putting up a front with my Jesus
He knows my next thought before I can even think
He sees me through my darkest moments
And He sees me through "me"