Beyond Control

I am all over the place

And feel like a mess

When did this start?

Out of control beyond hopelessness

Driving to town and everywhere

Getting things ready for this and that

Did I prioritize my time wisely?

Now I shall reflect

It started during my "holidays"

But now with the quotation marks I have to wonder

Were my "holidays" ever true holidays

Or was it more free time to be more busy?

It is really hard when we do this tiny bit of details

Obligations from family, friends and church

Amounting to days working on end

Not a 9 to 5 job

But an all and in between one

Thinking we're returning a favor

When the favor truly needed is really some "alone time"

How, why or when did I get myself so busy?

And it is really worth getting this dizzy?

Totally out of my hands beyond control

I sacrificed time with him whose related to me

He was mad and questioned my actions

What was the main point I came back home?

To busy myself all over again?

Aren't I busy enough from college already?

It scares me to know that a new semester is just 2 days away

And into the first week I will be flung full throng

Helping out in major events

Is this really the way I want to live?

Haven't got the time to take a breath

Or even to stop and think about what I have

Is being a help to everyone I know

Really helpful or detrimental?

What I want is to just be in control

Of my life events, schedules and time

We all need a break for even God rested on a Sunday

How did I allow my "Sundays" to get robbed out of my hands?

I don't find my self worth in what I do

But in who I am

God's child. Period.

Flashlight! Head knowledge but not hearted.

I wanna be able to gaze at the skies of pink, purple and blue

(Something I really look forward to every time I come back to KK)

Or just count the stars and see whether the row in 3 is still there

To go see the street kids and help them with all I can

Or to just read a book that I picked out for myself

To sip tea and stare into nothing

To play the guitar and piano, singing my heart out

To spend more time with God without having the days to-do list at the back of my head

To meet up with friends without the "rushing" that comes after

To make cards for the people I wanna appreciate

To talk more with my grandma

And to bring my friend places since she came this far

But all this couldn't happen to full capacity

Being drowned in other peoples worries

I wanna help but I'm also human and I needed a break

That break came and I abused it

I have a part to be blamed

When things are beyond me and chores come before me

I need to learn how to say no

A lesson I've tried learning

But never have mastered

So as this new phase comes in

And as I turn my big 2

I better get in control of my life

And make sure God's by my side

If it takes journaling, planning and heart-wrenching "NO's"

I'll do it as I can

The way it should be done

Dear God please help me be in control

When things come and I wished I could do everything

Help me not get over my head but stay intact

That I may fulfill my duties with the least time possible but at its fullest potential

Break down my perfectionism and my will to please others

Help me say no when I want to say no

Yearning for an escape to a place where its just You and me

While others are benefited I stay bewildered

But if things really do get out of hand and beyond my comprehend

I know You'll be in control

For you know me ever so thorough

Then again why didn't I think that in the first place?

To just let go and let God when things are beyond control.

(even if they're IN- control, I'll still let you take control)

Justin Bieber

Just watched Justin Bieber's movie and I have to say that I'm a BELIEBER!!! Just joking, in God I will stay a believer no more, no less. But still I have to say that my cynicism towards him was quite unnecessary seeing he has such great talent not only in singing, but in dancing and playing different instruments. He played jazz (the hardest form of music) on the drums when he was just 8 with a bunch of grown-ups, what was I doing when I was 8? Giving my aunt the excuse of getting my fingers crooked if I played the guitar? (I totally regret that now) Anyways, he is gifted no doubt about that and I believe God had a plan when He crafted him.

But how much of God's plan has Bieber followed and managed to live through? Yes, he prays before concerts and yes, his mom requested for complete healing when his throat was filled with mucus but is his talent overshadowing his faith? Do girls see Jesus when they see him sing? Is he giving the slightest bit of glory to God or savoring every scream and tear millions of girls out there shed for him? I'm impressed with his mom though, being able to refer to how King Herod died due to his pride or how she reminds him that he's not God and that God has put him here for a reason. But still, the way he serenades girls on stage and talks about making out freely makes me wonder.

Justin Bieber. Bieber Fever. Girls being Beliebers. He certainly has outshine many established and mature singer/songwriters. Girls will go wild, running and chasing after him (seems more like attacking to me) until one girl went "oh, they're attacking him, that poor thing". More girls swear that they'll be his wife one day and the interesting but weird part is that a lot of way older girls seems to be falling for him. What do they see in this BOY? I bet they never had a wishlist of their 'husband-to-be' to be younger or "far" younger than them. The scariest part? A young girl of maybe 12 said that she thought about him 99% of her life - life and not time. Thats huge if we try rationalizing it.

However so, after watching the movie, my perspectives of him has totally changed. I totally respect him as an artist now and hopes the best for him. His faith can be seen in bits and pieces of the film but I would really like to see him say "Glory to God!" or something that would cement the whole belief. It is actually quite dangerous to see so many girls yearning for more of him than for more of what is truly needed. Fantasizing about being his wife when they can be out there being a much more significant blessing to others than he is to them. For all I know this may be another of the devil's scheme to sugar coat things which will lure us towards him and away from God in the most unassuming way.

Anyways, who am I to judge or cast the first stone when I am not befitted. I seriously wish all the best for his budding and blossoming career and hope that he will never get distracted or deviate from the Truth (with all the lime lights and girls, it is just that easy) That though Usher is a great friend and mentor, he'll be able to surround himself with more godly people who don't glorify sex, money and girls in and underlying way.

First thing I said when the show ended? "Thank God I haven't fallen for him". Cos my sister's friend when to the show an "I don't love him but I don't hate him" person and came out not being able to get him out of her head. She asks for prayer. =) But I don't think its that bad. Just comes to show how well-painted a person can be due to the tip top marketing strategy managers can show us whether the person is really like that in real life. no cameras. no fans. nothing. Just God.

But after all is said and done, I'm still grateful that although I admire him, I don't yearn for him and spend my hours fantasizing over a boy. That even though I may not have tickets to see Justin Bieber live, I have a ticket to Heaven (much more valuable) - Jesus. And that to me, God is still number 1 and would forever remain number one because unlike many other girls who got their hearts stolen by Bieber, my heart has already been won over by someone far special - God. no replacements, no person, nada!

I think he means never say never to God. =P

We have so much

Frustrated that the automatic lock on our car doesn't work

- Saw people riding bicycles, they'll never have the chance of getting behind a wheel

Why are my clothes so old?

- Remembered who they were going to be given to after they're in much worse shape, how many years would it be for them?

Sulking about the fact that I never got the money to curl my hair

- How about the people who have no hair at all

Choosy about the food I eat

- What about those who have zero options to choose from

Looked down at my worn out shoes

- Thought about those who have never worn any

Complaining about my lagging internet connection

- There are millions who have never touched a keyboard

Why is the mute pedal on my piano not functioning well

- Some people practice on drawn boards

Jealous cos I can't sing too well

- How bout the people whose vocal box cant work?

Tired of going to school

- How bout the many geniuses who had no chance at education

Sick of washing the dishes

- There are people who don't even eat from dishes

anything to add?

Sole Sinner

Half an hour more and Good Friday would be over

But in this last few minutes I still wanna ponder

On the day that my Jesus laid down his life for me

That day that changes all of history including the life of me

Every week towards the coming Easter

I learn something different

This year I keep hearing the phrase

"Even if you were the only person on earth,

Jesus would still have died for you".

Think about it

My sinful nature

Sinning in the dark

In my own thoughts

In my mindless actions

Hurtful words

Done whether subconsciously or consciously

Nothing in comparison to God's purity

Yet He'd still send His only son to die for a sole sinner

Writing this down

My heart beats faster

It seems so literal it scares me

I a sinner

Him totally sinless

The sum is not comprehensible and would not equate

Yet "I + God = "

Would Jesus really go through the suffering

The beatings and torture

The pain of his flesh being ripped out for me

The crown of thorns pressed into his forehead

Being spat on and slashed at

To the point where he didn't look human

It.Is.Scary.

But he still went through it

A normal human being no less

Asked God to take away his cup

Poured out in prayer in his last few hours

Hoping that maybe there would be an alternative

But there wasn't

And it was done.

I don't have to question whether I'm worthy of his love

The sacrifice my father in heaven paid for me

Because He saw me worthy

Not in my own strength but by His grace

I shall not remember this only on Good Fridays

But everyday of my life I shall remain grateful

Humbled and filled with awe and adoration

To my Father who've sent His son on Earth

To pay that painful price for me

On that cross I'm sure He thought of me

And I believe He was thinking of you

John 19:30

"It is finished."

Our sins are all taken

Fully paid by his blood

You are made worthy to be loved and to be called His Precious

Embrace it

Live it

Share it

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Things aren't changing

To his place I'm visiting

And things aren't changing

Its really saddening

When nothings advancing

The fridge is still "lightless"

And the paint can filled with bricks is still holding its door shut

His carpet is "spongeless"

And I don't doubt whether there's fleas on his mattress

The sad thing is he's blinded to all these

Saying that his house is clean

Fooling himself when everyone sees

That his place maybe neat but far from clean

The sadder part is that he's belief is not changing

Still as hard as he was against my convictions

He truly is a hard shell to crack

Making his covering an even stronger defense

Its sad that nothings happening

Although we have been praying

Seems easier to give up

Than to pray without hitting the target

He stills keep ranting

On and on about our "mysticism"

It really hurts in the heart

Thats why we need a spiritual covering

Just in case we get swayed to his message

Brain washed in any way

But that won't happen

And I stand my ground on that

For now I'll still keep on believing

Even though things aren't changing

For my God is more than forgiving

And He's way bigger than anything

I will continue praying

And never stop hoping

Until that day which is coming

Where things will start changing...

Empty Compassion

We all have emotion

But can we say we have compassion?

When we see a girl without slippers

And feel sympathy towards her

Thats just emotion

Compassion exists when we start to take action

A profound statement from cell group last night

"Compassion starts from the heart

Then to the hands"

If we don't live it, no point feeling it

We see beggars, widows, orphans

Street kids, cripples and the blind

Yet sometimes we cast a blind eye

Thinking they should get a life

Well, God gave them a life

Not to be ridiculed and spat on

But to be loved and cared for

Precious souls not lower than you and me

Cant wait to help out with my cell members

As we do the little that we can

To touch their hearts and dirty little hands

We will mean the whole world to them

I admit I have been sucked up in sympathy for them

Thinking them in the lower class and I in the middle

But I've got the hierarchy all wrong

They are above me and I have to feel honored to be able to help them

Emotions plus Empathy

Equating to Emptiness

For what difference would it make

If I'll forever be self- centered

To the girl who has no electricity in her home

No place in the fridge for it serves more as a box

The delight when she says "This is my Deepavali meal!"

When you peek in the pot, its only 'maggi soup'

I wanna be the difference for people like her

I was told there are 2 kinds of people

Those who walk through life without making a difference in this world

And those who walks through life who dares and cares to make a difference for somebody

I choose to be the latter and I dare you to it

We can keep preaching and we can keep sharing

But would they even understand whatever we're blabbering?

People don't care how much you know

Until they know how much you care

We're the only Jesus they see right now

No point reasoning or contemplating

What. Will. Jesus. Do?

Let's make this statement real and more than just cool

I wanna make a change

To be the change

As a person we cannot change the world

But we can definitely change the world of a person

Here are my hands and feet

My time and effort

I lay them before You

Use me as Your servant

As I turn this emotion into true compassion

Help me love like You do

And see things the way You see

For I'm not gonna live this way no more

with just EMPTY COMPASSION...

After Desert Times

"Jesus was here!"

Thats what you'll hear

At the end of prayer meeting

From a new girl

This is her second time

Someone who's young in faith

(but is growing ever so quickly)

Saw a vision as we were closing our prayer

We prayed for exams

We prayed for Sarawak

We held hands in unity

And a strong light she saw

6 of us in a tight circle

A strong white light in the centre of us all

She tried looking up to see

How high will this light really be

Too bad we ended with "Amen"

The moment our grasped hands let go

The vision was no more

She couldn't see how far the light could go

While explaining

It started coming

The light resembled Jesus

And that He was near

Why can't she see the end of the light?

For all we know it may reach the Heavens

A revelation came

"Do not measure My love"

Desert times

This was how I felt

And I bet the members did too

At the state of our prayer group

Even before the sem started

I was praying with heart

Asking God where is He taking us

On the path where our seniors started

Prayer is good

But why pray every night

Don't you have friends to be with?

And aren't you suppose to be studying?

There were questions

There were doubts

Not only from others

But also from me

A dry season came

And on His word we sustained

It may have became mechanical

Or just duty to go through the motions

But we stayed faithful

And the members continued attending

Even though there was no fire

God saw our heart's desire

It was dry times

Like in a hot desert

With no water in sight

You'd think the Holy Spirit hide

Walking on dry ground with rocks all around

Yet holding onto our faith

And tapping onto others

Every night we still came to pray

And tonight God came to show us the way

Out of the desert and into green pastures

He came and stood in the form of light

In the centre of the circle

Revealed to her sight

I'm excited for prayer

And believe there's more in store

As we take the focus off ourselves

And start praying for others as well

God will come and when He comes

It'll be like a roaring lion

Or a strong wind smack in our face

We better be ready

For its after desert times.....

(WooHoo!!!)