Like Sand...

I guess things aren't always as they're perceived to be
Only standing at that situation face to face you'll see
Realizing that it's not all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies
More like when hard brutal reality strikes


You take a step back not knowing what you're against
Breathe in breath out allowing it to sink in
But not deep enough until it drowns you
Struggling hard to stay afloat


And then you go on YouTube in search of a 'remedy'
Hoping that this is when the 'power of music' kicks in
Deep down realizing there's something more tangible you're looking for
Click on 'Kim Walker' to see her express gratitude and love to a Higher Power


"Waiting here for You with our hands lifted high in praise"
"And it's You we adore, singing Hallelujah"
Slowly you feel life come back to you
Cos you were made to worship


And ever so gently the pain, guilt, fear and anxiety fades
Allowing God's presence to invade
Life is all about this - the ups and downs
And the beauty of how we have emotions


Like holding and grasping on to grains of sand
The harder you hold onto them
The quicker they sift out of your grip
Until none is left


So I open my heart to His presence and allow the pain to fade...like sand...

Brouha What?

Brouhaha
This annual dance festival slash NGO
Serving and connecting the community
Through....DANCE.

Loving dance from a very young age
Never have I dreamed that I could be a part of this
With a background of ballet and a little hip hop
Little did I know that life would come up to this- a wonderful halt.

It never occurred to me that along with my summer semester program
Would be bundled up joy, laughter, dance and fulfillment
Crazy costumes, wacky dance moves and giant stick men
Along with thousands of internationals

This three week parade in different locations across Europe
Brings different dance genres together
From street to African to acrobatics
Traditional, tribal and stuff you've never heard of

Putting on the hand made costume
Getting the team together
Dancing with the drum line before us
And stereo truck behind us

It's all so incredible
More indescribable
I could go on and on with my babble
Cos the mark is so indelible

It's like "wow"
I'm a part of something so huge
Not standing by the street side
But on the other side- the inside

To learn the dance moves and be back in the dance studio
Has already been a great experience in itself
But to dance on the streets and twirl with strangers and children
Really creates a special bond

A bond that goes beyond language
Where dance becomes the tool
To connect, engage and live for
I'd like to think that dance makes the world go round
(Along with music and moves and all that goes with it)

I wished there was another Brouhaha this year
But sadly we'll have to wait for the next year
Oh! did I tell you? Malaysia was invited too!
Four awesome dancers flown in bringing Malaysian pride

Even more grateful now that God created us with limbs
Flexible enough to do unimaginable things with
Moving to the rhythm and sound
I bet He was dancing too as He watched us dance

Can't wait for that eternal party!
Where there will be a million times the fun, partying, dance and laughter
I bet there'll be even wackier costumes
But for now I'm more than satisfied with my Brouhaha!!!

Practice time!!!


Not missing out on the football fever!




Finally the day has arrived!



Working the "tribal" look.


The giants!!!


Our Jamaican dance instructor!!!



Our fellow Malaysians adorn in traditional costume who also got featured in the front page of the newspaper!



In our places at the parade! So excited its starting soon!



After party where the dance fest continues at Princes Park!



With other dancers from Spain! Wearing all black similar to them made me feel...... AMAZING!!!



One of my favorite moments at the end of the festival.




Her joy depicts my heart and therefore my heart is full.

PS: I realized you don't have to be a race car driver or a famous celebrity to feel ecstatic, content, honored or appreciated. You just have to be yourself and be proud of it (as cliche as it may sounds). Do what you love and love what you do. You'll find that amazing feelings and experiences comes along with it minus the negative tabloid gossips and merciless paparazzi's. And soon the greatest "celebrities" you'll find, are really those around you.. because they know you. Tirrah! 

Time

What came my way was unforeseen
A 'shot' I thought never coming
Something that resonates at the back of your mind
Doubt pushed away and friendship remained
Bringing hurts and disappointments

I realize that all it takes is one thing needed for it to heal
Of course plus the comfort and presence of God
But that's inevitable so it doesn't quite count
Like how the Bible is always the world's best seller
Therefore taken off the list

That is -TIME.
Time not wasted but lived for and put to good use
Time taken to cry, sob and to ask "why?"
Time spent with true friends constantly by your side
(Even if they're halfway across the earth)

Time taken to play the guitar allowing the tugging of ones heartstrings
Time reading the bible and understanding more of Him
Time to go through the exciting, mundane and tough parts of life
Time getting through ones "to-do-list" or to do nothing
(Doing nothing it seems is as important as doing something)

Time to look up into the night sky gazing into the wonder of the Creator
Time for assignments and rushed deadlines
Time for a novel or a good read just for relaxation
Time for my heart to heal
(Surprisingly better and faster then initially thought)

Time to think of family and loved ones back home
Time to pray and talk to God about all that's within me
Time to pamper oneself with a face mask or treatment
Time to think about what come after this
(Without the crippling effect of the fear of the future)

Time to worship my King
Time to Skype, Whatsapp or Telegram
Time to edit pictures, videos and documented memories
Time for glorious food and ice-cream!!!
(There's no such thing as no time for ice-cream)

I can go on and on and on about how time is so amazing
Almost magical, a miracle
It cannot be returned yet there's so much more to be redeemed
A lifelong journey full of wonderful intricacies
The unknown mysteriously unraveled

Never have I looked at time like that
And never would I look at it the same again
It was time that revealed His resurrection
Time that God slowly took to create this planet
Time that healed my broken heart

It's a great time to be alive.
Though the weather is sucky and seagulls noisy
Readings amounting and workload increasing
Unforeseen unwanted circumstances
And glitches in life

There's also wonderful friends and heartfelt laughter
Great movies to watch on netflix and free shows at the cinema
Really cheap shopping and reasonably priced food here
Most of all it's the wonderful presence of God
Making it all the more worth while living

Yes, it's really a great great TIME to be alive.

Feeling Betrayed

They say it feels like you're stabbed in the heart
The knife in, twisted hard
Yet I beg to differ
Cos I still can't quite figure

My heart does not feel anything
Well at least for now
So much for emotions
A concoction of all things related to depression

Yet again that's not exactly how it feels
More like how thoughts overtake emotions
Thoughts you never gave a second glance to
Haunt you mercilessly with the absence of compassion

You start to wonder
Why this, why now, why me?
Why of all people you?
Bitter hidden agendas sugarcoated in the name of "friendship"

Its's a downward spiral
Towards the unknown of a never ending cycle
The pain of having to walk down a nightmare
An initially perceived pretty memory lane

You give in your all
Your time, effort, love and affirmation
Breaking down in the same river so many times
Yet you struggle to stay afloat, to survive

The many nights crying and countless times of forgiving
The numerous times of almost giving up
So is this where it comes to a halt?
The end of a friendship built upon lies?

You don't know what to do or say
Because right now it seems that all are in vain
Self-guilt starts to creep in
Biting you off your self-worth, dignity and integrity

It's already been three days
Yet the pain won't go away
You put on the forced smile
Hoping ignorance will make it okay

Yet today in my alone time with God
When I once again play these four chords
Something within me changes
A similar situation causing a different reaction

Speechless yet once again
This round not because of the wonder of His love
But because of the power of deception
Leaving me in an unspeakable state

My heart yearns for Him
Longing for a comfort that's already there
Yet today there was a tinge of something else
A subtle realization coming its own way

How do I put words to it?
It's like I felt what He felt
The betrayal of a special loved one
Paired with other nameless emotions

He knew on that cross
That many will come to Him
Yet others will turn away
Betraying their relationship with Him

Yet despite being all knowing
Seeing the beginning from the end
Knowing He'll be hurt time and time again
He still chose to LOVE.

It's unimaginable and unthinkable
Really out of this world
The comparison so pathetic
Me being hurt by one to Him hundreds of billions

Yet above it all
The pain, betrayal and rejection
He still chose LOVE
He still chose you and me

I begin to wonder
About the awe of my Creator
The God of emotions
Didn't exempt Himself from it

From different descriptions in the bible
To what I'm feeling right now
As the water starts to calm down
And LIFE flows through once again

I'm not deducing my feelings
Or the fact that this friendship maybe a hoax
Caught up in sticky emotions and insecurities
Confusing events jading you again and again and again

Yet I know that I'll be okay
That at the end there will be a silver lining
Although not knowing whether in this friendship to stay
But just understanding that God's got my back in every single way

Though I feel stupid and utterly humiliated
Thinking about whether this was true grace portrayed on my part
I'll choose to not waver on what I believe in
And know that the sun will rise yet again another day

And right now as I reach over to open a small note
From a really dear friend of mine
My tears start to fall
Knowing that I'll be alright

Nothing about what happened
She just got me a guitar pick
Asking me to continue to play
For the glory of my God

And that's what I'll do
No matter where I stand in this journey called life
I'll look up into the skies and see where my help comes from
It comes from the Lord...

Friendships either make you or break you
The power of influence from the few closest to you
Yet when one falls and shatters
Seemingly fallen glass pieces with no repair

You look at the ones still beautiful as new
Though a bit worn out
It just comes to show
That it stood the test of time

I'm boggled by the timing of this
With two major deadlines this week
And not so good news from back home
That someone who loves you will have the decency to do that to you

That it has to happen at my highest of highs
When I'm halfway across the earth
Exploring and journeying into more of the unknown
In awe, content and gratefulness of a childlike spirit

Yet I'm still strongly supported and comforted
By the authenticity that God has placed around me
Where this betrayal came from and how will it end
I have yet to know

But while in the waiting
I'll look at all those beautiful, worn out glasses
Not in a glass cupboard but on my table
Ready for me anytime of the day

Thanking God for them and for this I am eternally grateful....

3 times the repeat...

Three times the repeat
That's what jolted me up from my evening nap
It wasn't one time not just that
But twice before even during my usual sleeps

It has different contents but holds the same meanings
Something initially beautiful and wonderful
Rushed, disorganized and oh so frightening
Like waking up to cry is my only escape

Were those warning signs not yet acted upon
Did it have to repeat itself three times
For me to truly understand
And make a decisive decision to act upon it?

Sometimes things are thrown at you
Beyond what you can handle
And right here right now
I'd realized this is the part where I let it go

Life has this way of chasing you
Dreams even
As if we're not already tired by the days duties already
Needing to accommodate to this weird images during rest time

"Don't worry, don't worry, I got you"
"Trust little child, it's gonna be alright"
I hear my favorite singer from Bethel sing spontaneously
"All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord"

And although the fear did not magically disappear
I know I can lean on Him in every situation
I can converse with Him on what to do next
On my responds, my fears and the risks needed to be taken

It took three times the repeat to catch my attention
But I'm here now not fully ready yet to face the music
But well aware that I'm not alone in this
Just curiously wondering what the other end might perceive of it

This is scary
Like how my future depends on it
The life's of my children's children
Yet I will behold it with grace, faith and courage

Allowing love to knit them together
By the third you know they're not just any accident
Signs you cannot just let pass by
I shall and will read these signs correctly

I took it lightly initially
But now I'm fully aware of the matter at hand
I shall look into this and not linger anymore
Because it took three times the repeat

To really get hold of me....

The Start and the End

When I wake up in the morning
A sleepy smile on my face
I whisper "Good Morning" to You

Waken up, vulnerable yet not afraid
Messy hair, eye bags and all
I know You still see me as beautiful and perfect

I say a little prayer
May You be prevalent in my days circumstance
Every word I say and move I make

The lovely and not so lovely people I meet
The context in which each situation brings
The not so "accidental coincidences"

May words spoken and actions taken
Lead to Your Glory
For Your name only

And as I go through my day
May you be constant in my thoughts
Day dreaming about You is what I long for

Questioning You about things I don't understand
Acknowledging You in every decision I make
Making sure that all that I do puts a smile on Your face

That, is true worship
Not just singing some song at some particular time
But offering my whole life as a worship to You

Come home looking forward to that time again
Alone time with You
Something I was made for

Whether it's playing my guitar
Or soaking with songs from YouTube
You're not picky on which way I choose

I ravish in Your love for me
As I sing to You
And You over me

That bond between us unlike any other
More than the love of a mother
It's a covenant of gold

And when I'm all tired and groggy
Ready to wind down for the day
And on my bed lay

I say another prayer
Thanking You for the day
How good You've been to me

Reflecting on the conversations
Situations and circumstances
I know You're there through and through

And as I drift away
I dream of You and me
And the fun that will be

For when I wake up in the morning
Once again
There You'll be

And the beautiful cycle starts all over again
With You permeating every part of me
It's really a great relief

That You're forever present
Right here, right now
Right through eternity

Thank You, God for who You are
And who You've made me to be
Your Daughter and lover

In You there is no worry
For with me You'll forever be
Right from the start to the very end....

Unassuming Reminders

Just went over to a friend's room

It's my eleventh day here in Liverpool

And although its loads of fun

My neck and shoulders hurt

From a pillow that's not hard enough

She gave me an awesome massage

Something I truly love and always look forward to

We discussed on our weeks reading assignments

And because I brought my guitar

We worshiped.

It doesn't matter whether you're in Malaysia or Liverpool

God's presence is everywhere

So close to you

Just the first few strums on the strings

And you know the true reason "why you're here on earth"

Came back to my room trying my best

To minimize on the procrastination

And get to my readings

Turned on my laptop

Turned on some music

In between readings

I check Facebook to see updates in our class group

Accidentally my eyes move over

To the bottom left corner of my homepage

And photos of 2013 come in sight

How did I get there?

I did not click on anything

A picture of me co-leading worship

Catches my eye

Memories come back and I sigh

That picture taken by a dear friend

Aptly captioned

"We never know how to worship until we know how to love"

Brings me back to my friend's room

Where we sang out heart's out to our Greatest Lover

Then I scroll back a few pictures

A personal feature I wrote in a newspaper during my internship

With a headline given by my editor

"Don't stop dreaming and believing in yourself"

Wow. I stand dumbfounded and amazed.

(I seriously wrote that? And my editor did that?)

I guess God works in the most mysteriously impossible ways

The measure of His love driving Him to an unimaginable level

Where He takes me on this breathless journey

On this road we call LIFE

Life given by True Life

Life has brought me here to Liverpool

A beautiful "picture-perfect" country

Trust me

My Instagram naturally looks better already

The way this city stands is wondrous

Yet aside from the beautiful people

Wonderful architecture and ancient heritage buildings

They still scream out 

What a Wonderful Maker

Reminding me of the goodness of my Creator

Oh ya, when writing the first line of this post

I looked at my computers clock

And it showed 1:11

The three numbers that God never fails to show me

Reminding me of His presence and promises

All these are but unassuming reminders

That God drops here and there

An exciting yet incredibly unconventional way of treasure hunt

Which time limit goes on forever

Just like a child, I'll enjoy this playtime

I'll go back to my readings

He makes life oh so exciting

The reason I live and breathe

Becomes even more heartfelt

Due to these wonderful

Unassuming Reminders...

"You never know how to worship until you know how to love."

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