The End of Days

Not sure how to sum up the last day of this year, but this song totally echoes my heart's cry...

You came to earth that You created
You walk beneath the stars You named
You came from Heaven holding freedom
Jesus Christ the Lord our God

Gonna sing until my voice won't let me
As thunders roar I'll shout Your praise

You authored life and write Yourself in
You dwelt in time that you designed
Creator lived in His creation
Completely man, Completely GOd

Gonna sing until my voice won't let me
As thunders roar I'll shout Your praise
You're the God of everlasting wonder
Your love outlasts the End of days

I'll lift Your name higher and higher
I'll sing Your praise louder and louder
Your love goes deeper and deeper
You reign forever and ever

Note: Despite the tragedies happening in Malaysia, the up's and down's of life, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever and for that I put my faith in this constant.

Managing Expectations

Being in my 20's, I'm beginning to realize that not everything is a Fairy Tale and neither do we all have perfect "happy endings". The TV has formed very false representations of what life truly is and for that, I'm feeling like an onion. Peeling the layers off, one by one, erasing the unrealistic ideals yet holding to the hopes and dreams I want in my life (which by the way, changes every second). As you grow older, you realize that that dream house, job, partner or car isn't as ideal as what you thought it would be. I mean, who doesn't want a gorgeous looking partner, with a high paying salary and a bungalow, with a perfect garden, big enough for your five beautiful children to run about, yet protected by that perfect white picket fence you surround your house with. That's the dream for most of us.

However, I'm beginning to realize that all is not as it seems. The battle here is "aesthetic living vs. practicality". A big house means more floors to clean, more curtains to wash, more bed sheets to rinse and more backaches that comes with it. A bigger car means that it's harder to find a car park, a bigger risk of hitting other cars with yours, the amount of fuel mileage it consumes, leading it to the more petrol it swallows. And it's almost impossible to look gorgeous while doing housework because there's no point in having not so clean floors compared to looking pretty while doing it. (Screw desperate housewives for that, lol!) I mean, the prettier the light looks, the harder it is to change it's light bulbs if you know what I mean. I tried changing them in my house and have come down to a conclusion that pretty stuff takes more time, effort and sweat to manage. Rethinking of what I would want in my own future home when the time comes, because there are so many things to wonder about. All of sudden, my mom, dad and aunts look like superheroes. I mean, how did they manage? With their own jobs, bills to pay, children to care for, transportation they need to settle, I mean, managing a household seems like a whole art skill in itself. Yet, they never left me and my sister hungry. It's truly amazing.

And so, I'm starting to manage my expectations, I don't even know what my dream job is or if there's actually such a thing, because all those television series with high-flying lawyers and super smart forensic people are totally sensationalized to keep their audience-ship. Nothing I have ever thought or imagined actually turns out to be as it is in reality. We get a job because we need to survive. We get married because that's the social norm and we go through everyday of our lives struggling instead of triumphing. But the matter of the fact is that God never called us to be like that. He created life for pleasure and despite one man's fall, he redeemed the whole situation through another man's resurrection (Romans 5:19). And that is the amazing part.

Despite the global economic downfall, where it was easy for our grandparents to have five to ten kids, now, just having one already needs a lot of pre-thinking and pre-planning. Or like how it maybe even cheaper to eat out than to homecook because with RM50, there's only that much you can buy.

So as life dwindles and maneuvers and swerves in all it's different places, and things don't turn out the way I thought they'll be, I'll just keep the faith that God got's my back. For I know that across the decades, including the timeline of my parents, there was once when they were afraid too of the unknown, about the job they'll get and the family they'll come to nurture, But here I am and this is me, and things didn't turn out that bad. And in that I find my security. The knowing that God created us to be able to handle the setbacks. surprises and pleasant outcomes that comes with life.

Things are different from here on forward. Husbands may not earn enough to maintain households while wives may have to take up jobs and not be able to become the "perfect" homemakers they once intended to be. Needless to say, time spent with their own children maybe inevitably decreasing, but I know that the human mind has the capacity to manage and it just boils down to the managing of our expectations.... (Of course it's not that simple, but you know what I mean.)

You can have mine

Sitting under the Venice night sky
Cold breeze brushing my hair
Chills on my skin
And dress slowly flowing

I ponder on how blessed  I am
And the goodness of my Creator
He created me
He created this

Never have I thought I could spend the night here
Let alone come to Venice
Maybe in my dreams or during my honeymoon
As if the honeymoon isn't a dream too

I look up into the night sky
Down at the dark sea
Only a thin line of lights from St Marco Square
Stretched gently dividing the two

Naturally pondered about life
Although at crossroads I still have pleasure
To leave footprints across Europe
To see historical sights making today, today

Then thoughts of a friend come
Took his own life on a swing
Diagnosed a schizo
Still taken aback by what happened though

We're not too different in age
But why that decision he made?
I wonder and ponder
"This isn't the way" I utter

Questions formed as soon as I got to know
They still linger after answers are given
Why him, why now
People cared but it's still mysterious somehow

Maybe it's Venice that Shakespeare's on my mind
Life's brief candle
Out way too early
Wrong candle wrong move

I ask God in a questioning manner
Not waiting for the answer
Other thoughts seep in
Mystifying what is conveyed

Then I remember when I overheard a young boy
Ever so clearly in his childlike boyish tone
"You can have mine"
He genuinely offers through stretched out hands

They were all playing this elastic night lights
You catapult into the night sky
Better than fireflies because of their longevity
I remember my own and when I used to play it in hostel

All except this one boy
Because his father would not pay
He naturally whined
And that's when his friend offered

"You can have mine"
This four words stuck
Lingered in my mind
Bringing new meaning and not drifting aside

Sitting in this cold Venice wind
I soon began to realize
That God gave me His life
Cos He knew I wouldn't be satisfied with mine

The world's greatest story
The most significant mark in history
HIS-STORY
A beautiful exchange

And to just know that I'm in that story
A protagonist in this epic love story
The ever-knowing almighty being
Trade His life for mine

So don't be discouraged or angry or dismayed
With life, its flaws and the faults it brings
For someone far greater, pure and lovely
Traded his blessings for you and me

And don't be jealous that you're not here in Venice
You'll have your chance
Believe me you'll see
That dreams do come true cos He's a dream maker

But for now just envision anything you think Venice to be
For I heard Shakespeare did not go to every place he wrote about
It was knowledge and a whole world of imagination
Nothing we don't have, you and me....

And if you think that ain't enough
Think of what powers our Father in Heaven behold
You're His precious
So hear Him say

"You can have mine"...

Difficult Goodbyes

I don't remember any "goodbye" being this hard
Can't even reflect to when was my last goodbye
Packing has never been this hard
Parting this intolerable


The last was when I had to leave my friends in Alor Star
A small little town in Malaysia
That because I knew there was no more going back
And precious friendships formed will become tangible no more


But packing everything today
And sitting on my chair in an almost empty room
It dawned on me that this "really is it"
A whole chapter of my uni life coming to an end


And before me a broad horizon unseen vividly
Not knowing what my future holds
But knowing who holds my future
But ironically still having  anticipation, excitement and anxiety mixed altogether


But what amazes me is my attachment to this place
Like time here is not up yet
A lingering effect no one can tell
But your heart strives in seeking understanding


I know I've fallen in love with the people, culture and places here
The weather not so but the rest does more than just compensate
But what is it?
Why this emotion?


Maybe it's the not-so-typical extra long hugs
The whisper in my ear of gratitude for knowing me
"I'm glad to have known people with joy like you
I'm not there yet, but I'll be in understanding His love for us"


The not so appropriate messages of thankfulness for real random prayers
Because they do it right before you're leaving
Making it harder to leave
And all the more easier to break down and cry


It's soo hard.
It really is.
And this morning on my last day in Liverpool
I laid myself down at His feet not metaphorically but literally


Not being able to gauge my emotions
Or taken by surprise of what I'm feeling
My mind can't seem to digest the discourse of heart and soul
But this definitely is one of the most difficult goodbyes...

Can I Please Stay Awake for just another Moment

Life is just too good to be taken for granted
Feeling zombie-like cos it's 2 am
Doesn't stop me from penning this down
Though tired my spirit  leaps
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

It's not that you're feeling sentimental
Because the summer program is coming to a final
But with deadlines met and more time on hand
You feel so great and free like you can achieve anything
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

Looking around in amazement and wonder
The new friendships formed and the crazy laughter
The late nights in town in search for cheap delicious food
The wee hours of the morning spent in the park stargazing
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

The catching up on time spent apart from each other
When old friends meet and connect
"The story of my life" here it goes
What actually happened and what not
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

And then you begin to cast a foreshadow
If life right now is already filled with wonder
Then how many more in the future there'll be
The journey of life and all of its perks
Can I please stay awake for another moment?


The excitement of getting through a job interview
The first confession, first love, first kiss
The first attempt of cooking a full meal
The curiosity of what the future unfolds
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

For understanding a deeper revelation of His word
The indescribable God encounters ahead
His magnificent power exemplified in ways no man has seen
New miracles never heard or written in all of history
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

The young ones first word
Or maybe their first steps
The lingering in the lovers arms for "just a bit longer"
The way your gaze is fixated on the way they sleep
Can I please stay awake for another moment.....

Ain't That Easy...

Just like how the leaves on the tree outside
Brushes and rustles in all their green glory
Are not confused of what they are
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


Just like how the flowers grow
Bees and butterflies dance in their beauty
Exuding a naturally sweet distinct fragrance
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


Just like how an egg is an egg
Whether it came from a chicken, duck or dinosaur
The living creature inside knows full well of their own
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


Just like how a banana tree
Is not confused of what it breeds
Knowing it won't be producing apples or oranges
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


Just like how a hedgehog goes back to its hole
Unashamed neither confused by its spikes
Never comparing it with those of smooth exteriors
It aint't that easy to lose your identity


Just like a dolphin basking in the ocean
Mischievous, carefree, adventurous and playful
Yet not sharing our fear of great white sharks
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


Just like the four seasons
Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter
Neither are threatened but the either
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


Or how when a baby cries for mommy
At the sound of no one else but mom's voice
Assurance comes back safer than a security blanket
It ain't that easy to lose your identity


If babies, nature and prickly creatures
Are not worried of losing themselves
Amidst the seasons and weathering the storms
Than why must I?
Considering my Creator
When results, trouble, people and situations
Strip you of your worth, degrading you off value
Take a moment to look around
At all of creation and at the Creator
They're in no journey of finding their "identity"
They know who or what they really are
So just be rest assured and reminded by things that surround
And the One who made it all
It just ain't that easy to lose yourself....

Photo credit: Elanne Lim

Overlooked Wonders

Amanda Cook from Bethel Church sang a spontaneous song- Wonder, and every time I find myself unsatisfied, tired or bored with life, I sing that song over myself, reminding my "knowing" that there is really wonder out there, His wonder. Reminiscing into free worship she sings...

"May we never lose our wonder,
May we never lose our wonder,
Wide eyes and mystified,
Let me be just like a child,
Staring at the beauty of my King."

And lately in Liverpool, I've been more aware of the "overlooked wonders" surrounding me. Minute details of everyday life, natural science evolving around me, creating wonders curtaining the scientific involvement of different matter, evolving through time and space, exemplified into the most simple outcomes most of this world has forgotten...

Like how the flip side of our pillow is always cold despite the many hours we lay our heads on it.

Or how head bands stay tight along your hairline for the whole day despite the size of your head.

How eggs can be cooked in so many incredible ways and still taste so good despite varying in matter.

Or even how fabric is formed with really tiny lines crisscrossing each other in becoming that t-shirt you're wearing.

Or how as a young adult I still see that same three stars aligned in a straight line as when I was a little girl.

How two people connect with intangible chemistry yet feelings so strong it moves them to take action.

How mathematical questions were formed with solutions, ending up in everyday education being solved by everyday students.

And how six strings on a guitar tuned right become harmonious with wooden keys on a piano.

How a dog connects with its master and friend, knowing when things are not right

How simple words from a loved one can make the hair on your neck tingle

Or even how unstable people can ride a two wheel bicycle stably

Or how the color of leaves can change with the season

How babies grow up to be six feet tall, changing in emotions, mindsets and physicality

How music heals the soul

How we cannot see God but know with all our hearts that He is there

And how we can hear Him in the most mysterious ways, through objects, movies and strangers

All these are but wonderful overlooked wonders... They're everywhere and anywhere. Sometimes we need to take a step back to see. While we're waiting at the traffic light, before we pen down our hearts in a journal, before taking that picture with a camera, we may never get the answers and solutions to all of them, scientifically proven but not scientifically understood by the laymen, giving us even more of the chance to marvel at creation.

No matter how old I grow or how long this journey takes, one thing I know, I'd never want to lose my wonder, of the wonderful things that surrounds. 

"Anyone who thinks fallen leaves are dead has never watched them dancing on a windy day."- Shira Tamir. (Now that's another wonder.)