True Love

True love....

Sometimes so overrated but the true essence of it undermined. 

We see "it" in movies

Hear "it" on the radio

Ever so often deduced to sexual intimacy

Or dangerous infatuation, running wild and free

True love....

My generation is deeply in lack of it

Choosing someone based on their looks 

Status and exterior

Opting for a temporal bliss when internal beauty is the defining factor

Treating the "chosen" one more like a trophy rather than a partner

Such self fish greed we possess

The things we do in the name of "love"

True love....

In these last days is truly hard to find

Just watch Gone Girl and you'll rethink of marriage

50 Shades of Grey and your love life turns greyer 

Manipulation, lies, violence and dominance

Is what dominates the current social culture

True love....

Unlike pain does not demand to be felt

It comes naturally, mysteriously, sometimes in the most unassuming ways

Between the least expected people 

But that's the beauty of it

The surprise and adrenaline it brings

Just cos you never saw it coming

True love....

Stands the test of time 

Knows no boundaries 

And has no depth

The longer you spend with that person

The deeper in love you fall 

Those precious moments waking up to beauty beside you, messy hair, bed head, no make up and all

True love....

Takes bravery, courage and vulnerability

The risk to be honest with someone 

The need for transparency 

With the added probability of being rejected

Yet you try and see whether it'll work

Because the greatest regret would be of not trying at all

True love....

Is what I hope to achieve

I haven't met mine yet

But I'm still waiting...

Patiently waiting

For God honours those who wait doesn't He?

And I've come to a point in my life where I know without a doubt that "Papa knows best"

And He knows what's best for me

He would never short change me

True love....

Something so pure, so rare, so extremely hard to find

But I still believe in it

I see it in the eyes of my favourite worship leaders and pastors

Through the genuity of my childhood friends parents

Old, wrinkled yet still so full and filled with the capacity to love

A love so subtly strong 

It takes your breathe away

True love....

Is my ultimate life goal

Because when two become one

You'd go further and stronger

And plus the fact that you two would have many mini "you's"

Oh such bliss true love could bring

True love....

I have faith that I'll meet that guy

I'll choose to love him with all my heart

For it's just a foreshadow of when the True Groom meets His spotless Bride

Such glory it embodies 

The power it holds

Purity, beauty and the bond that comes with staying holy

True love....

I'm hoping that "us" will happen soon

Cos I'm not that young anymore and the clocks ticking

So please God, help us "both" see when it's time to see

Despite the age gap, family background or cultural differences

Let our "yes" be decisions we both make

And that we'll choose to see our "yes" comes through till the end of days 

True love.... 

Is evident and I'm sure of it

My "Happily Ever After" as we ride through eternity

Call it day dreaming or even wishful thinking 

But I truly believe in it.

Because these three remain..

Faith, Hope & Love

But the greatest of these is LOVE..

And in that I rest my case. 

Worship in Rest

Swimming in the abyss of uncertainty
I find myself striving
Not feeling Him beside me
Despite all the positive uttering

Trying hard to find emotional stability
Realizing it was not just a simple trigger
But rather a sleeping disorder
Who knew?

Then I flashback to my high school period
Not the many days but the "everydays"
I struggle to get out of bed
Snoozing the phone alarm, hoping for another 15 minutes

Or the times I sleep for more than 12 hours
Dreading to face another day
Secretly procrastinating
That I won't have to face another day of dissertation

But yet I finished and I conquered
Well not exactly until results are out
But hey! To me submitting it before the deadline
Is already a bonus in itself considering my "last-minutancy"

I try to get "fixed"
Inner healing they say
Let's dig deep
Into our being and into our past

The pass hurts and pass judgement
Weighing out the weight of my family background
The preconceived and rather unfair notion
"That men who don't respect women are no man at all"

My view of men...
God, help me
There's a reason for a Bride AND Groom
Please help me see

But as I either oversleep or not sleep at all
I realize that honoring God and the way He wired us helps
24 hours a day
8 for sleep. 8 for work. 8 for fun!

I just need to motivate myself to get into that cycle
Like how Kris Valloton quotes:
"I need a new perspective of life...Or maybe just a nap.."
But I'm not getting my much sleep or even naps!

This is a year of REST.
Literally, if we follow God's calendar.
From Joseph Prince to Cindy Jacobs
They're all saying or rather prophesying!

But how do I get it?
The bible says the only thing we need to strive towards
Is to rest
"Cool word play, God" but I don't quite get it

I need rest
I need sleep
Or my emotional tank will be almost empty
And I'll just end up or whiny and cranky

Not Good.

Thus, I'm writing this post
Or rather just rambling about
In the wee hours of the first quarter of the morning
Convincing myself that "writing" is also "worship"

Because I can't quite feel Him in my worship
Unlike times where I just play the guitar and soak in His presence
All I feel is a void of emptiness
Conveniently blaming it on the lack of sleep

But it's funny when you're in the height of stress
Pressured to meet deadlines and requirements
At the height of all the "doing" rather than "being"
I give credit to "not feeling"

This cos as I was pushing and pressing into His presence
The truth or rather another aspect (from His multidimensional truths)
Of worship came in
WORTH-SHIP...

We always use the word "praise and worship" in church
Yet through the depths of not feeling
I realized that this word has more meaning
More powerful than my careless use of it

"WORSHIP"
When we apply it to God
We think of songs sang and hands lifted
Or maybe a knelt-down posture

Yet when we (or rather I) apply it to other things
Such as secular music or a celebrity
The weight of it becomes heavier
In a very disturbing way

"Don't worship that artist"
"Don't worship your looks"
Suddenly the words takes on a heavier meaning
But kinda in the wrong way

We tend to gratify things deeper
When we view them from a negative extreme
I got it all wrong
Because worshiping God is way more than what is seen

It embodies the reason of creation
The meaning of real relationship
In olden days they may have worship ancient Kings
But today, I worship the King of Kings

Man, just that sound
"The King of Kings"
Brings worship to a whole new level
Like the sound of my keyboard "clicking"
Apart from the many songs we sing
This is also worship
Because I'm exalting my King

So I hope that my Dad receives this worship
And finds joy in the "sound of my typing"
Because in this season I feel Him closer when I'm writing
More so than when I'm "worshiping"...

He looks past the exterior
Even when I'm worship leading
Because when others see me as a worship leader
All He sees is His daughter in worship
And because He knows it all
I shall not be afraid
I shall stay in rest, even if I don't feel like it.

The End of Days

Not sure how to sum up the last day of this year, but this song totally echoes my heart's cry...

You came to earth that You created
You walk beneath the stars You named
You came from Heaven holding freedom
Jesus Christ the Lord our God

Gonna sing until my voice won't let me
As thunders roar I'll shout Your praise

You authored life and write Yourself in
You dwelt in time that you designed
Creator lived in His creation
Completely man, Completely GOd

Gonna sing until my voice won't let me
As thunders roar I'll shout Your praise
You're the God of everlasting wonder
Your love outlasts the End of days

I'll lift Your name higher and higher
I'll sing Your praise louder and louder
Your love goes deeper and deeper
You reign forever and ever

Note: Despite the tragedies happening in Malaysia, the up's and down's of life, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever and for that I put my faith in this constant.

Managing Expectations

Being in my 20's, I'm beginning to realize that not everything is a Fairy Tale and neither do we all have perfect "happy endings". The TV has formed very false representations of what life truly is and for that, I'm feeling like an onion. Peeling the layers off, one by one, erasing the unrealistic ideals yet holding to the hopes and dreams I want in my life (which by the way, changes every second). As you grow older, you realize that that dream house, job, partner or car isn't as ideal as what you thought it would be. I mean, who doesn't want a gorgeous looking partner, with a high paying salary and a bungalow, with a perfect garden, big enough for your five beautiful children to run about, yet protected by that perfect white picket fence you surround your house with. That's the dream for most of us.

However, I'm beginning to realize that all is not as it seems. The battle here is "aesthetic living vs. practicality". A big house means more floors to clean, more curtains to wash, more bed sheets to rinse and more backaches that comes with it. A bigger car means that it's harder to find a car park, a bigger risk of hitting other cars with yours, the amount of fuel mileage it consumes, leading it to the more petrol it swallows. And it's almost impossible to look gorgeous while doing housework because there's no point in having not so clean floors compared to looking pretty while doing it. (Screw desperate housewives for that, lol!) I mean, the prettier the light looks, the harder it is to change it's light bulbs if you know what I mean. I tried changing them in my house and have come down to a conclusion that pretty stuff takes more time, effort and sweat to manage. Rethinking of what I would want in my own future home when the time comes, because there are so many things to wonder about. All of sudden, my mom, dad and aunts look like superheroes. I mean, how did they manage? With their own jobs, bills to pay, children to care for, transportation they need to settle, I mean, managing a household seems like a whole art skill in itself. Yet, they never left me and my sister hungry. It's truly amazing.

And so, I'm starting to manage my expectations, I don't even know what my dream job is or if there's actually such a thing, because all those television series with high-flying lawyers and super smart forensic people are totally sensationalized to keep their audience-ship. Nothing I have ever thought or imagined actually turns out to be as it is in reality. We get a job because we need to survive. We get married because that's the social norm and we go through everyday of our lives struggling instead of triumphing. But the matter of the fact is that God never called us to be like that. He created life for pleasure and despite one man's fall, he redeemed the whole situation through another man's resurrection (Romans 5:19). And that is the amazing part.

Despite the global economic downfall, where it was easy for our grandparents to have five to ten kids, now, just having one already needs a lot of pre-thinking and pre-planning. Or like how it maybe even cheaper to eat out than to homecook because with RM50, there's only that much you can buy.

So as life dwindles and maneuvers and swerves in all it's different places, and things don't turn out the way I thought they'll be, I'll just keep the faith that God got's my back. For I know that across the decades, including the timeline of my parents, there was once when they were afraid too of the unknown, about the job they'll get and the family they'll come to nurture, But here I am and this is me, and things didn't turn out that bad. And in that I find my security. The knowing that God created us to be able to handle the setbacks. surprises and pleasant outcomes that comes with life.

Things are different from here on forward. Husbands may not earn enough to maintain households while wives may have to take up jobs and not be able to become the "perfect" homemakers they once intended to be. Needless to say, time spent with their own children maybe inevitably decreasing, but I know that the human mind has the capacity to manage and it just boils down to the managing of our expectations.... (Of course it's not that simple, but you know what I mean.)

You can have mine

Sitting under the Venice night sky
Cold breeze brushing my hair
Chills on my skin
And dress slowly flowing

I ponder on how blessed  I am
And the goodness of my Creator
He created me
He created this

Never have I thought I could spend the night here
Let alone come to Venice
Maybe in my dreams or during my honeymoon
As if the honeymoon isn't a dream too

I look up into the night sky
Down at the dark sea
Only a thin line of lights from St Marco Square
Stretched gently dividing the two

Naturally pondered about life
Although at crossroads I still have pleasure
To leave footprints across Europe
To see historical sights making today, today

Then thoughts of a friend come
Took his own life on a swing
Diagnosed a schizo
Still taken aback by what happened though

We're not too different in age
But why that decision he made?
I wonder and ponder
"This isn't the way" I utter

Questions formed as soon as I got to know
They still linger after answers are given
Why him, why now
People cared but it's still mysterious somehow

Maybe it's Venice that Shakespeare's on my mind
Life's brief candle
Out way too early
Wrong candle wrong move

I ask God in a questioning manner
Not waiting for the answer
Other thoughts seep in
Mystifying what is conveyed

Then I remember when I overheard a young boy
Ever so clearly in his childlike boyish tone
"You can have mine"
He genuinely offers through stretched out hands

They were all playing this elastic night lights
You catapult into the night sky
Better than fireflies because of their longevity
I remember my own and when I used to play it in hostel

All except this one boy
Because his father would not pay
He naturally whined
And that's when his friend offered

"You can have mine"
This four words stuck
Lingered in my mind
Bringing new meaning and not drifting aside

Sitting in this cold Venice wind
I soon began to realize
That God gave me His life
Cos He knew I wouldn't be satisfied with mine

The world's greatest story
The most significant mark in history
HIS-STORY
A beautiful exchange

And to just know that I'm in that story
A protagonist in this epic love story
The ever-knowing almighty being
Trade His life for mine

So don't be discouraged or angry or dismayed
With life, its flaws and the faults it brings
For someone far greater, pure and lovely
Traded his blessings for you and me

And don't be jealous that you're not here in Venice
You'll have your chance
Believe me you'll see
That dreams do come true cos He's a dream maker

But for now just envision anything you think Venice to be
For I heard Shakespeare did not go to every place he wrote about
It was knowledge and a whole world of imagination
Nothing we don't have, you and me....

And if you think that ain't enough
Think of what powers our Father in Heaven behold
You're His precious
So hear Him say

"You can have mine"...

Difficult Goodbyes

I don't remember any "goodbye" being this hard
Can't even reflect to when was my last goodbye
Packing has never been this hard
Parting this intolerable


The last was when I had to leave my friends in Alor Star
A small little town in Malaysia
That because I knew there was no more going back
And precious friendships formed will become tangible no more


But packing everything today
And sitting on my chair in an almost empty room
It dawned on me that this "really is it"
A whole chapter of my uni life coming to an end


And before me a broad horizon unseen vividly
Not knowing what my future holds
But knowing who holds my future
But ironically still having  anticipation, excitement and anxiety mixed altogether


But what amazes me is my attachment to this place
Like time here is not up yet
A lingering effect no one can tell
But your heart strives in seeking understanding


I know I've fallen in love with the people, culture and places here
The weather not so but the rest does more than just compensate
But what is it?
Why this emotion?


Maybe it's the not-so-typical extra long hugs
The whisper in my ear of gratitude for knowing me
"I'm glad to have known people with joy like you
I'm not there yet, but I'll be in understanding His love for us"


The not so appropriate messages of thankfulness for real random prayers
Because they do it right before you're leaving
Making it harder to leave
And all the more easier to break down and cry


It's soo hard.
It really is.
And this morning on my last day in Liverpool
I laid myself down at His feet not metaphorically but literally


Not being able to gauge my emotions
Or taken by surprise of what I'm feeling
My mind can't seem to digest the discourse of heart and soul
But this definitely is one of the most difficult goodbyes...

Can I Please Stay Awake for just another Moment

Life is just too good to be taken for granted
Feeling zombie-like cos it's 2 am
Doesn't stop me from penning this down
Though tired my spirit  leaps
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

It's not that you're feeling sentimental
Because the summer program is coming to a final
But with deadlines met and more time on hand
You feel so great and free like you can achieve anything
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

Looking around in amazement and wonder
The new friendships formed and the crazy laughter
The late nights in town in search for cheap delicious food
The wee hours of the morning spent in the park stargazing
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

The catching up on time spent apart from each other
When old friends meet and connect
"The story of my life" here it goes
What actually happened and what not
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

And then you begin to cast a foreshadow
If life right now is already filled with wonder
Then how many more in the future there'll be
The journey of life and all of its perks
Can I please stay awake for another moment?


The excitement of getting through a job interview
The first confession, first love, first kiss
The first attempt of cooking a full meal
The curiosity of what the future unfolds
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

For understanding a deeper revelation of His word
The indescribable God encounters ahead
His magnificent power exemplified in ways no man has seen
New miracles never heard or written in all of history
Can I please stay awake for another moment?

The young ones first word
Or maybe their first steps
The lingering in the lovers arms for "just a bit longer"
The way your gaze is fixated on the way they sleep
Can I please stay awake for another moment.....