The Tornadoes inside

As I lean back in this chair thinking of what just happened

Trying to focus on what You're telling me

And at the same time reliving the scenario just now

I feel a turmoil, so subtly fierce inside

Not understanding but subconsciously realizing

The tornado inside of me

Looking at the stars just now

How they seemed to be shining so beautifully

Basking in their wondrous glory

You tell me You painted them for me tonight

For a scene like that I've waited and not seen

For months, hoping, believing

Not only hoping on the stars

But that change back home will start to bud

But nothing happens and all I see is a vicious cycle

Nothing unlike what I feel inside

The merciless wind stirring up of filthy dirt

Getting into my eyes

Making me cry

I let the tears fall and emotions unwind

Hoping that as they sleep

No one will hear me cry

Nothing is said off my lips

Though its a ten-thousand word essay I want to release

The mix feelings and emotions I can't resist

And now You're telling me this

Help me obey and in my heart believe

Goosebumps cover me

Because Your sweet presence is all over me

But my feelings don't get numbed

Instead, from tears of defeat

They turn to tears of relieve

Knowing that you will tame that tornado raging inside of me

My Shammah

Never leaving me nor forsaking me

I look up the skies and the stars are erased

One second they're there
The next they're gone

But You stay the same through the ages

And Your love never changes 

Thank You God

I place the tornadoes into Your hands

For the winds shall cease at You command

And that cycle will subside by Your Grace

I place my future and emotions into Your crafting

Including the ugly things

Like the tornadoes inside....

Driving mindlessly with a Purpose

After visiting our dad I made a random decision to drive down anywhere

Any place that would kill time

You know the feeling of not wanting to go home just yet

To feel free at the wheel and let the miles lead you

Or at least that's just a simple pleasure I love doing

I think its therapeutic and I converse with God good that way

(but gas ain't cheap, so it's not a daily thing :P)

My sister was apprehensive at first thought

But maybe realization of me flying back too fast too soon to KL

Or just wanting to laze around as I drive her as she games on my cell

Or just obliging to the request of her dear older sis

She gave in and asked where should we go

Even I didn't know where we were going

I just knew I wanted to drive

To do this "hobby" I love doing

And spend as much "wasted" time productively

And let the thoughts in my head find focus and alignment

We hadn't any money

Except for an angpau she found in her pocket

We were almost broke

But with KK before us

And with our adventurous states 

We rode off into some randomness

So I drove and drove

Wanting to take a good look at KK

What have been added and subtracted in the absence of my 2 years

Many malls I haven't been to yet

Not as many lights as I thought there would be

But KK is still KK

And I just love it here

Took a longer route  into town to see its night life

Took an even further detour to get ice-cream from a drive-thru McDonalds

My sis had only 5 ringgit and I forgot my purse

(talk about driving illegally! Yikes! I'm sorry!)

So with nothing but 5 bucks and a 3 quarter full tank

We went somewhere way out of the way almost to another district

Got ourselves our sundae cones with the little money that we had

And drove back home fulfilled and satisfied

Throughout the journey we chatted and talked about things

Like where church and the worship team is heading

And the more than a hundred ringgit worth of original CD's she got from the Logos ship

And how excited she was when she bought the "Prophetic Revelations" one

Just as she saw Kim Walker's name on it

Or how we guessed each singer that came next because it was a great mix

With worshipers like Paul Baloche, Jason Upton, Misty Edwards and Brian and Jen Johnson

The cone in my hand was a tad of a hassle

Almost drove all the way back with one hand on the steering wheel

And the same hand switching the signals

Hoping nothing will stain my dress

I'm glad I came back without any mess

I'm gonna miss all of these

Although it is pretty random

Still don't know why I did that

But like what I wanted to do during this holiday

I think I can cross out one and seven

Maybe it something deep inside of me

A realization of something from within

Something from my heart that haven't really gotten to my head yet

That the next few years of my life won't be where I came from

The place where I was born and brought up

Taken care of and loved

Had a great catching up with 3 of my childhood friends in the afternoon

2 of which played a great part in my early years

Went to kindergarten, church and primary school together

To each others houses for play dates and stuff

Haven't been in contact for years

But we just continued like it was all yesterday

No awkwardness, no empty space

Just childhood friends re-connecting

The funny thing is they're all guys

Funny how things work in life?

That feeling in my heart about my life and future

Is still slowly making its sweet stroll travelling to my mind

This one I need God to  help me figure

Up here I'm clueless with what the future holds

But the One who holds my heart has it all in parts

Where He would slowly reveal my destiny before me

But being a Christian does not make you a robot

Far from that it makes you more in touch with your emotions

Inclined to what's happening around my surroundings

Unlike the world who numbs itself with the cliche

I just thrust myself into His arms

And let His love for me make my fear fade away

I'm gonna miss my sister, my friends and my family

My church where I led worship today

And the many food I can't eat just anywhere

The piano that stands so grandly in my living room

The park where I used to shoot baskets late into the night

The friends who live just walks away

And the time I spent praying with a dear friend around the park

As we pray for our "taman", school and community

I guess all these would have to be locked up in my mental diary

Precious moments turned memories

That will stay with me all the days of my lives

Heritage and legacies

Testaments of who I am today

A very very huge part of me that accompanied me

Through my growing pains and growing up

(I guess there would be more blogpost on this)

I could just keep writing on and on and on

On what I've learnt here and the sentimental which follows

But I have to stop somewhere

And just thank God as I stare

At the beauty of where I grew up

A place I have grown to love

Roots gripped onto the earth of where I'm standing

A heritage of more than all the research could show

So driving mindlessly did bring myself at ease

As I gaze upon the destinies He has in stored for me

I have to let go of the wonders I've been through

Torn in between

With both views in sight

In front of and behind me

Of one I have to choose...

on which is centred on God....

I beg to differ because when the destination's Heaven, we live our lives differently...

and therefore I believe

More than A Handful of Reminders

It's 2.40 something in the morning, listening to Kina Grannis and pondering on the good things that are happening (not a very good mix I guess :P) around me and miles and miles apart from me. God is good. God is stronger. And God moves the same everywhere. Not sure why I'm so emotional but I just believe that its a very special night although nothing big or important has happened tonight. It's not the wind in my hair or the stars twinkling in the night. Not even the sweet voice of my favorite favorite singer. It is God.


I get so many reminders channeled from the web, the bible, friends and directly from God that it just continues to substantiate the truth of how real He is to me and how strong our relationship is. I'm truly glad, compressed with bursting happiness yet at the same time humbled with reverent awe of how God never fails to intricate His presence through more than a handful of reminders... I'm not gonna say more as this feeling is indescribable.


But before ending, I shall show you a conversation which sealed my day up very nicely from a straight A student I truly admire.

He was referring to something he found out through my blog and then going on to say what he said. And then we chatted about some other stuff like how I should not keep praising him bout his good grades and bring the "straight A student" thing into every thing we talk about.(But I see God in that as well!) Anyways, I apologized. And then he pointed out something that I have not really paid attention to.

Another divine reminder = My precious walk with God...

And I'll just leave it at there.....

Blessings- Laura Story

Every time I come back home, I get introduced to another talented contemporary Christian artist (through my sister whose life just evolves around music) and this time it's Laura Story, the lyricist of the very popular song "Indescribable" that got borrowed and made famous by another very influential Christian artist, Chris Tomlin. :) When I first heard this song as my sister explained to me the story behind it, I was immediately drawn and now I feel like we can all relate to it one way or another.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

All I need is You

If You hold everyone on earth, how about the guy who just died? Dear Father, help me understand and continue to believe. However so, questions and fears would never come in the way of my love for You.

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU....

(talk about mix feelings, man!) 

Life is Fragile (even in times of happiness)

Celebrating Chinese New Year have so far been great

I hope it sounded cheerful

Because I really am happy with the many things that are happening

However

The things that life throws at you when you least expect

A decaying tooth or a broken DVD

Hurting so bad making eating hard

Or not seeing the motion picture move fluidly

Cuts, pauses and jerks here and there

Making that "what-should-have-been" a wholesome experience

Oh so not hopeful at all

I have a friend whose brother just passed away

On the first day of the Chinese New Year

It was a big shocker 

He just got married and has a baby on the way

Future lying ahead of him

Allowing him to achieve everything he had ever imagined

But  like the words from a Band Perry's song

It got cut with the "sharp knife of a short life"

The most horrible and unthinkable thing here is the way he passed

They were playing fireworks in the morning when it happened

One was lit up but it didn't spark up

So he went closer to have a look at it

With head over cracker

The timing so bad

It blew up in his face and that was the end.

But what stunts me more is the way his sister responds to it

She acts way calm in her text messages and all

Just describing it as it was and when the funeral will take place

 Things just doesn't fall in place

We even thought that it was just a gruesome joke

But this joke which life plays on us

Is no joke at all

It just gave me a bigger sense of urgency

That life is precious. PRICELESS. 

And everything but pointless.

Then I look at this special person I love

How God have been protecting him so much

No matter how many times he turned his back on Him

No matter how long he has turned His back on God

Accidents after mishaps

It's like even lighting can't kill him

Seeing how many car accidents, falls, crashes, debts

And getting into trouble with the cops and officials 

He has gotten himself into

Yet he is still alive

(wow/sigh)

It pains me to see him like that

Cooking utensils older than me

Cooked our CNY dinner

Its the same dishes every year (lol)

But I don't whine and just enjoy it

Of course I do ask why always the same...

And then the many times I've turned him down

My hectic schedule does nothing to allow

Breakfast, dinner, teatime or supper

Something that can just squeeze in to strengthen the bond

And every time I try to post pone

He says it's ok with a cheery tone

Covering  up on the hurt and the feeling of being alone

What can I do or what can I say?

To make those emotions go away

"It's Jesus that you need!"

Sometimes I wanna scream in his face

But with that tone and emotions evoke

Is his true happiness and salvation

My real priority?

It's like you have prayed all you can

And cried out with all your heart

Placing his live in God's hands

But his very dull future remains a dull future

More accidents to come

Bigger debts that amounts to figures I don't want to think of

And you look at God and just ask God

"WHY?"

You pray until you go numb

Cos it has been that way your whole life

And I'm entering my third decade

But his life has been nothing but a poor facade

I'll just have to hold onto the little faith that I have for him right now

And pray that God will enlarge and expand it

Giving me a reason to live and believe

That he would be saved before he passes on

Although it seems so impossible

But my God is the God of the impossible 

And it's not by might

But His that he will be saved

As for my dear friend's brother who just passed away

I pray that his family will all feel ok

Although it may be a hard time to pull through

I pray that this crisis will lead them to Christ

Please Lord

Show them Your Glory!

For in times when life seem so fragile

Like a solid vase with crack lines on it

Or when our lives feel like they are hanging by a thread

Know that that is pure, strong golden thread

That would eventually turn into a strong golden rope

With God at the other end

And right here in your heart

You have nothing to worried about

Just look at Him 

And see those worries fade away

The same way I have felt many times

Even when LIFE IS FRAGILE...

PS: Life back home here is not that bad. I'm actually having loads of fun with family and friends that there's not enough time! And lots and lots of people have been wanting to talk to me about my spiritual experiences, booking time and having lunch and all. So God really is my silverlining. But sometimes I don't know what to conclude on situations when we get literally pulled in between 'life and death'. But God is still good. And like what I said in blogs define, I'm just trying to be real here. Cos life as a Christian is not all fancy-pancy with sunshines and rainbow all day. It would definitely be in Eternity, but right here, right now, I'm still in the midst of battling different things, but with God on myself, who can be against me?

Someone so Beautiful

I was taking my shower when this thought came in as I was singing to a song "Indelible" by Brooke Fraser Brooke Ligertwood. It's a very beautiful song which slipped my mind for a couple of months but being in awe of who God is, this song brought back revelation of the greatness of Him. The pre-chorus goes "how could Someone so beautiful, feel something for me...", and the moment I sang that line I just saw this picture of me somewhere in a magnificent wide forest with streaks of blue in a dark night's sky, gazing up at the stars and seeing a glimpse of my Creator. Something so beautiful, indescribable, that makes me breathless. Then I think again, seriously, how could someone so beautiful feel anything for me? This small girl sitting here not having a clue of what the next part of her life would be. Yet He cares so much and wants to be involved with this tiny little thing (me). It just amazes me and keeps me knowing although it can be VERY unbelievable that my Father God in Heaven really cares about me! He who spoke life into living beings, the stars twinkle at His commands, mountains and seas parts before Him giving Him the honor He deserves, and flowers so beautiful dressed in the finest colors which makes the mixing of colors in a palette so dull. So huge and magnificent my God is. The song's true meaning came to life in my thoughts and deep down I am rest assured that no matter what comes my way, I am safe and sound in my Daddy's arms. And that's just the beauty and plus point of having a relationship with 'Someone so Beautiful'.......